I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life. Yesterday evening marked the final episode of The Bachelor Winter Games. Four episodes was all America could handle, but definitely less than America deserved. USA! USA!
We get a peek into the Cult Headquarters Bachelor Winter House where all the snuggly couples are wearing footsie jammies, eating breakfast, and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.
Chris Harrison appears suddenly out of the immortal Vermont blizzard and enters the house looking less than amused. Turns out that’s just his face during this entire season of this atrocious program.
Chris informs the crew that not only is this the final week (THANK GOD) but that the couples will also have to compete in an ice dancing competition. He seems v excited at the prospect of additional injuries.
Actual footage of Chris Harrison
He also enlightens the crew that the winners will be the reigning king and queen of Bachelor world, with the power to strike down hotter better Bachelor world contestants and determine the breakup schedules of others. Ashley breaks into this conversation with “ARE THERE FANTASY SUITES?” Chris Harrison, shooketh, responds with “SLOW YOUR ROLL.” Chris, you was cold as ice!
The couples head out to a practice sesh with their not-good-enough-for-Dancing with the Stars clearly amazing ice dance coaches. Where ABC found MORE people to stoop this low, IDFK. Dean makes a speech about rocket ships and launching time, then we’re treated to a montage of practice and sexual tension.
Back At The House And Bibi’s Blowup
We head back to the mansion where Down Underers’ Lilly (is she REALLY only 21?!) and Courtney are making out in the hot tub, making snow angels in subzero temps, then shocking their bodies by getting BACK into said hot tub. Kids these days.
Meanwhile and away from the hot tub merriment, Jordan tries to have a v serious convo with Bibi about wtf they’re doing after this whole Vermont thing. Jordan is ready and willing to pursue Bibi and a relationship since that would entail leaving Australia where all living things are poisonous and moving to Miami where only the roving gangs of geckos and stray club promoters pose a real risk. Bibi is all “it’s not you, it’s me” so Jordan goes downstairs and angrily washes dishes. This guy gets me. Bibi starts angrily packing but calls it organizing. They chat again—Jordan is all, “what are we doing” and Bibi is all, “chill tf out, I don’t even have my Insta endorsement yet.”
Same.
Sister runs dramatically upstairs and Jordan waits dramatically downstairs before, more dramatically, making his way up. There are a lot of tears, then Bibi decides to go home. This is probs the most mature course of action considering a) they’ve known each other for four episodes (probs about 4 weeks real time) and b) live LITERALLY across the world from each other. Jordan also leaves and cries all the way back to Australia.
The Ice Dancing
Chris introduces two people I’ve never heard of and Nancy Kerrigan. You may remember her from WHYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY knee-smashing fame. I see you, Tonya Harding.
What commences in the next 10 mins (honestly it could have been 45 … I lost track) is Stassi and Luke crashing into a wall, Dean and Lesley trying to spin each other off the ice, Ashley and Kevin competing to be King and Queen of Canada and ice dancing, and Lilly and Courtney hopping like kangaroos and subsequently eating shit because, hello, don’t hop on the fucking ice.
Fantasy Suites
All of the couples are going on one-on-one dates complete with an optional Fantasy Suite card. Dinner AND potential sex?! JUST like the real world!
Dean and Lesley are up first, and they talk about her double mastectomy and her re-structured boobies. She loves em, which GO GIRL. Dean better not fuck this up. “Never has it crossed my mind that it would deter this relationship.” GOOD JOB, DEAN. This boy has grown tf up. Slightly. Obv they go to the Fantasy Suite and, I assume, have a GREAT time.
Stassi and Luke are next, and her plastic surgery is still v off-putting, but her personality is great. God, I wanna hate them, but these two are cute. Stassi says she can’t do the Fantasy Suite because she “cannot see the shame in (her) mother’s eyes.” DAMN. Are Americans all big whores? We’re a nation of sluts, y’all. Luke assures her that he doesn’t care/it’s totally k and can nurse his blue balls on his own. What a champ.
Yay, time for Lilly and Courtney. They launch into an imaginary convo about this being Courtney’s house complete with all the animals he’s skinned. This would have been good for getting a lady in the mood if that lady were Kendall. Courtney lays it all out and says he’s falling in love andddd Lilly of course reciprocates. Despite their declarations of feelings, they, TOO, sleep in two separate rooms which, AGAIN, does nothing to dispel my feeling that Americans are whores.
IT’S HAPPENING.
Ashley and Kevin OH BOY and we’re having the virgin convo again. She talks about waiting for a nice boy, which, like, yes but c’mon. Treat that shit like a Band-Aid and rip it off if you’re gonna be bringing it up all the damn time. She starts crying again mid-hug because she’s so happy. Does this bitch ever STOP crying? Does Kevin know what he’s in for? After a quick glance at Chris Harrison’s Bang-vitation, the pair decide to go for it. Here’s the room, with the cozy fire and the big cozy bed and …
Have fun kids.
The Ice Dancing
“Dean has eyeliner on today” — a line that pretty much sums up this whole competition. Kevin stumbles and hurts his knee, potentially putting his and Ashley’s event on the line.
They really do sing the Bachelor National Anthem again, and I think about killing myself.
Dean and Lesley are up first, and for some reason their routine fills me with rage. As the American couple, I expected them to really impress me. They did not. Four thumbs down.
Next are Courtney and Lilly, and their disgustingly cute routine employs weird leg lifts, hopping like marsupials, and adorable awkwardness which has me feeling nauseous.
Luke and Stassi dance to a v Russian number with a split at the end. Way to go.
Fucking finally, newly de-flowered Ashley and Kevin perform a routine full of Chris Harrison’s innuendos about the fact that, yes, they probs did it. Chill Chris, chill.
After tears and blood and sweat and whatever the fuck else, The Bachelor Winter Games crowns Ashley and Kevin its victors. The confetti flies, I cry, and Ashley declares herself a Bachelor success story.
After The Final Fucking Rose
I hope to never see any of you again.
I can’t believe I’m staying up for this shit. CHRISTIAN IMMEDIATELY BRINGS UP THE JACUZZI. Then, we’re treated to a clip show of all the horrible moments from these four weeks I’ll never get back. Chris immediately puts Bibi on the spot and she fights back tears while recounting her relationship with Jordan, who, for the record, is a standup dude. You fucked up, Bibi! Chris speaks more Japanese to Yuki and she declares, “I HAVE GOOD TIME … BEN IS MY BEST FRIEND.” Well, that answers that question.
Courtney And Lilly’s Interview
Declaring that their love was immediate, Lilly and Courtney are still together. These two got an RV and drove across the great US of A together. They went to New York, DC, Nashville, Arkansas (why?), the Grand fucking Canyon, and several other places I can’t remember and taped it all along the way. Apparently, they’ve both moved to LA and are living it up. Congrats, kids.
Lesley And Dean’s Interview
We welcome Dean in his v American bowtie and Lesley, who is looking fly. After their montage, Dean talks about Lesley’s enthusiasm and Lesley talks about Dean not giving a fuck but being nice. Then Dean TOTALLY PROPOSES TO LESLEY IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE wait, no he doesn’t. He gives her a key to his house. Wtf? Chris Harrison is always playing with my emotions.
LIES.
Luke And Stassi’s Interview
Luke’s cold, endorsement-less eyes.
Now it’s time for Stassi from BELARUS NOT RUSSIA but lives in Sweden. Phew. Luke isn’t on stage yet, so that’s not a great sign. Stassi talks about how real it was while at the Vermont mansion and how Luke totally ghosted her after the show. Luke pops out to v limited applause. STASSI INTRODUCES HERSELF AND LOL. Luke tries to say that they had super intense convos about where they were in life, and Stassi is all “was I unconscious during these conversations?” GIRL YAAAASSSSS SLAAAAAAAAAAY.
Luke is fucking scrambling. Stassi is all, “WTF how can you just cut me out of your life” and Luke honestly is such a fuckboY right now. I thought more of him. Stassi is all, “LOL I must have missed when we broke up” and asks Chris to fucking move it along with the next relationship. Thank GOD she didn’t Fantasy Suite this man.
Ashley And Kevin’s Interview
Same.
We get a peek back at Kev and Ashley’s v romantic relationship and then welcome the reigning champs of The Bachelor Winter Games. Ashley apparently went to Canada, he went to Boston, and now they’re hanging out in LA which, yay. She talks about the virginity thing and the Fantasy Suite and yah they def did it although they’re playing coy now. Good for you, kids. Setting a great example.
Clare’s Interview
“I’m not not psycho.”
“I never give up on anything.” CLEARLY. Clare, who began way back on Juan Pablo’s season, is def the resident Bach hag who will continue going on these shows until she lands a victim potential mate. She is APPARENTLY in love now, with NONE OTHER THAN Benoit. I knew she’d end up with this guy. Benoit apparently texted her, which led to FaceTiming, which led to Netflix and chilling, and the rest is history. “I’ve always wanted a man who wouldn’t give up on me.” They talk about love and believing in themselves etc. while Clare talks about how he puts up with her crazy. Find you a man who can. Then, in a DRAMATIC TWIST, Benoit totally proposes with a STUNNING ring and some French sprinkled in for good measure. Love is real, you guys. Guess Clare won’t be on next season’s Bachelor in Paradise.
Images: Giphy (11); ABC (6)
In this week’s exciting episode, the girls are jetted off to Paris for a week of urine-soaked streets, possible pick-pockets, and line dancing at the world’s most famous strip club. Europe is so magical. Speaking of magical, I’m taking over The Bachelor recap this week since the betch that usually writes them is like, probably also in Europe I assume. I mean, where else does anyone go these days?
Scary hands-having Bachelor Arie entertained us even more this week with his deep downward spiral into actually becoming one of the women. At least he didn’t cry this week … that we saw.
The girls take in all the sights and sounds of the city, talking about the ZEN/SIN river (American education—I see you), gondola rides (send help), and the majestic hotel boat providing by Uniworld which I’ve literally never fucking heard of.
Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison shows up to appear disinterested offer super helpful advice to Arie while they both say the words JOURNEY and AMAZING as much as possible. Where will Chris spend the next week? Does he jet down to Nice for a nude beach adventure? Is he hanging out with Quasimodo at Notre Dame? Is he busy getting shithoused in Bordeaux? The world needs to fucking know.
We switch back to the girls sitting around admiring Krystal’s Grease-inspired outfit just as Lauren B. gets picked for a super exciting Euro date.
Did Krystal raid Olivia Newton-John’s closet for this black number? Did Bekah M make a stop at OshKosh for this child’s romper?
One-On-One With Lauren B
Lauren B, human wallpaper, is whisked away on a boat and meandering tourist date with world’s most feminine man Arie for what feels like a full 24 hour kidnapping. While I was only slightly interested in the riveting conversation literal silence and comments on wheels of cheese going on, I couldn’t help but notice THE HICKEY ON ARIE’S NECK. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
After traipsing through the city and not getting mugged, the happy couple heads to a quaint dinner. It starts out pretty much in the same vein as the rest of the date:
ARIE: Let’s toast to a silent date—it was so perfect
LAUREN B: Cheers omg
ARIE: This Champagne is so good
LAUREN B: This is amazing
ARIE: It was so busy today. Paris was insanely busy.
LAUREN B: I was so scared.
ARIE: I could see you were scared. It’s k.
LAUREN B: Thanks for saying that.
ARIE: No pressure
LAUREN B: Mmmkay.
ME: 
Lauren B proceeds to tell Arie how hard it is to open up to him which is, like, slightly understandable considering she’s known him for about four hours. Out of NOWHERE, Arie lays his balls on the table and talks about his baby mama which NO ONE knew he had and how said baby mama proceeded to have a miscarriage. This was some heavy shit. “I totally get your trust issues since MY BABY DIED.”
Unable to function because of Arie’s sob story
Lauren B tries to one-up Arie’s dead baby story with a broken engagement story but, understandably, falls a little short. She still gets the rose tho, because we can’t all have dead children stories to lay on the line.
Group Date At The Moulin Rouge
Surprise, it’s group date time, and the producers at ABC decide to take the girls and Arie to the not-at-all sketchy area of Montmartre where the Moulin Rouge is. The girls proceed to literally shit themselves and offer up some real gems of quotes:
GIRL 1: Wait is it really the Moulin Rouge
GIRL 2: OMGGGGG HOLY SHITTTTTT
GIRL 3: This is SO amazing, omg, this is the best thing to happen to me (v sad)
Thus commences roughly five to 10 minutes of screaming. Is it that exciting? I almost got mugged here. The girls and Arie then meet Miss Janet, the madam—err, head stage lady at the Moulin Rouge. Miss Janet’s accent is notably not French. Is it Australian? German? British? Who IS SHE?
The girls proceed to attempt to learn a v complicated stripper routine and Seinne, apparently a dancer, fucking slaaaaaays. Tia fumbles through, which surprises literally no one. Arie looks on, assessing, judging, being creepy.
Once the outfits are on, Arie definitely picks the girl he feels dances best looks best in a thong, to be revealed later. Seinne totally fucks up despite her glam outfit. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, SEINNE! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!
The girls go upstairs for a cocktail date to quell the fears of watching one of their own dance nearly naked in front of hundreds of strangers at the world’s most famous strip club. Arie gets some great one-on-one time with Tia while he strokes her leg with his really odd hands and then skips right to Bekah M for a discussion about being cute and how jealousy is a real human emotion. Bekah’s lashes really distract me during this time, since they remind me of spiders and I really don’t like spiders.
After staring into Bekah’s spider eyes, Arie spends some time with Seinne, during which she says something French and then gets uncomfortably tongue-kissed by Arie. 10 points to Gryffindor.
Despite the French talking and Tia’s leg strokes, Arie predictably gives the rose to ol’ spider lashes—Bekah M. Flash forward to all the girls now forced to sit in the Moulin Rouge with a bunch of horny old French men and watch Bekah and Arie make out on stage. Anyone else think Bekah really pulled off that blonde wig? No? Just me? K.
Kendall And Krystal: The Two-On-One
After listening to Krystal horrifyingly declare herself wife material, it’s time for the two-on-one date with Krystal and Kendall. “This is going to be a very weird day”—Kendall says what everyone is thinking.
Krystal shows up in an outfit she definitely would have found in her dad’s country club attire wardrobe if her whole family didn’t live in a bowling alley.
Arie proceeds to stunningly illustrate the wonders of an old Chateau with his ironclad grasp of art, literature, and history: “I love these old oil paintings.”
Whichever producer thought it would be hilarious to dump two semi-dumb blondes into a maze and watch how fast they can find cheese love, I applaud you. Is the maze a metaphor? For love? For journeys and paid endorsements in the name of love? For how lost Arie feels? Krystal quickly wins—likely because she’s a terrible person and cheated—but also because Kendall isn’t very good at puzzles.
No one seems to win anything after being put through the maze, which is disappointing. Arie proceeds to steal Krystal away for a quick chat about how krazy she actually is. She proceeds to enlighten him with Instagram inspirational quotes and wisdom:
KRYSTAL: I’m so sorry I didn’t come talk to you and I don’t wanna throw away ALL THE COLOR AND TEXTURE AND DEPTH OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
They then make up, make out, and make us all uncomfortable with a lot of strange hand placement.
Krystal then proceeds to throw Kendall under the bus by telling Arie she’s not ready for marriage, which feels weird coming from a woman who doesn’t feel human emotions.
Now it’s Kendall’s turn in the woods with Arie, which is a sentence I really never wanted to type. Real talk—this girl is very normal and down-to-earth for someone who stuffs and travels with dead animals on the reg. Basic bitch and backstabber Arie proceeds to recount his convo with Krystal to Kendall, probably hoping they’ll have a topless French mud fight for his amusement. Kendall is shooketh. She returns to the lounging area and confronts Krystal about her shit-talking in a v mature way. Krystal is on the defensive and takes a page from Becca’s playbook, asking Kendall why she’s even here.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T.
Kendall spits some truth: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t mean you win; it means you hurt somebody.” Kendall’s mind-fucking abilities become legendary at this exact moment, and Krystal begins sparking from the ears and bursts into flames.
Arie comes back from his forest adventure and decides that, well, he can’t decide which girl to keep, so he FUCKING LEAVES THEM BOTH THERE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH. In reality he just tells them to meet him for dinner so they can arm wrestle for his love in a nice restaurant, but we all would have rather seen the other thing.
Everyone arrives at a very nice restaurant with a v nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal took some Xanax time to think about her response and stone-faced Kendall isn’t here for her shit.
KENDALL: You can’t connect with people
KRYSTAL: Yes I can
KENDALL: I really don’t think you know how
KRYSTAL: YES I CAN
KENDALL: Sounds good
KRYSTAL: PUURRRFECT
Arie arrives, right on schedule, and Krystal proceeds to blatantly lie about what she and Kendall have been discussing. “It’s so magical and worth it to be here *BABY PORN SIGH*”. Kendall doesn’t validate any of the bullshit coming from Krystal’s mouth, which just adds to her appeal at this point.
Arie’s spidey senses are tingling, and he takes Kendall back to chat. WE NEVER SEE THIS CHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. WE DEMAND ANSWERS. RELEASE THE TAPES.
Suddenly they return to world’s saddest restaurant, where Arie proceeds to PICK KENDALL.
The happy couple then leave Krazy Krystal alone with the Eiffel Tower and dessert. As the girls watch Krystal’s suitcase rolled away, they pop Champagne.
KRYSTAL: I am floored. I am just floored. I’m so confused … I just felt like, abandoned … does he really want a strong confident woman? I was weak and I’m NEVER WEAK.
ME: 
Poor Krystal just wants to be loved. We watch her cry and talk about weakness while Arie and Kendall make out, sad music swells, and she stares out a window, longingly.
The One-On-One With Jacqueline
Somehow, Jacqueline—let’s call her Jackie cause I don’t feel like typing Jacqueline—gets a one-on-one date and ABC is CLEARLY wanting every drunk white woman in America to think she’s going home. Arie shows up to get her in a clearly too-good-for-him car which he proceeds to break and pretend to fix.
ARIE: There’s like, an air pressure thing-a-ma-doodle I have to fix
JACKIE: I love when men know things about things and do things about things.
This whole exchange moderately distracts from the fact that Jackie literally just made a comparison between their date and shooting a pony. I worry about her.
As they wander away from the car, leaving it to be poached by Parisian car bandits, Arie takes a page out of the Becca K. playbook and Pretty Woman’s the shit out of Jackie, but like, with more Champagne and less actual shopping. Jackie proceeds to overplay her confidence card and ends up looking drunk, sad, and desperate, so I identify with her a lot more now.
They wander up to a very dark and scary restaurant which, I don’t understand why it’s so scary and dark in the middle of the day? Anyway, Jackie immediately launches into her insecurities, which is a rookie fucking move. She accuses Arie of not being that excited about her, and that he’s really just fascinated by the fact that she knows three or more syllable words and doesn’t need an Instagram endorsement to make money. Arie adds fuel to the fire by telling Jackie he does think she’s too smart for him (honestly, not a high bar to begin with) and then gives her the old “I don’t want to hold you back” speech. America collectively readies itself to wave au revoir to bird-face Jackie.
BUT IN A DRAMATIC TWIST Arie keeps Jackie around, probably so that he can a) say he dated a smart girl and b) kick her off next week.
“I don’t see your ambitions and dreams as a hindrance” —OH THANK YOU ARIE YOU ARE SO KIND LET ME MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.
The Rose Ceremony
Where the fuck is Arie staying? What a sad hotel compared to the clearly superior accommodations provided by Uniworld U boat river lines. The girls file into a strange museum/art space that feels off-putting in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. Further adding to my and America’s confusion is Tia’s figure skating/stripper combination jumpsuit that really looks like it came from a boutique in Arkansas. Someone help this girl.
Lord, Jesus fix it.
Arie shows up and proceeds to give a very cliché speech about Paris being the city of love but that he has to kick some bitches off tonight. I may have been drunk during this part. Tia’s pantsuit clearly charms Arie and she, Becca K., and Seinne get roses. Sadly, single mommy and sob-story-teller Chelsea and Jenna Eyebrows get kicked off. Real talk—I def thought Chelsea’s sad story and one-on-one would secure her another week, but I guess I was wrong.
Jenna proceeds to really, and I mean REALLY ugly cry and slobber all over herself. Chelsea borderline keeps it together and probs cements her spot on the next Bachelor spin-off show.
Tuscany is next on Arie’s adventure tour, BUT BEFORE THE END, we catch a glimpse of Lauren B totally shit talking Jackie and everyone else regarding how not easy this journey is. Will she turn on the girls, go full Misery and sequester Arie in a hotel room alone, break his legs, and forbid him from ever leaving her? Stay tuned.
Images: ABC (5); Giphy (8)
Immediately after watching Nick and Vanessa scream at each other off into the sunset, Chris Harrison invites us back to The Bachelor-verse to find out more about exactly how much they have screamed at each other since that day, and to see how Raven and her plastic surgery are doing after being rejected in Finland.
After The Final Rose is generally boring AF, and given that this season of The Bachelor was also boring, Chris Harrison is working hard to get people to stick around, constantly alluding to something “historic” that is going to happen. And even though we all should be able to recognize Chris Harrison’s tricks by now, it works and we all stick around to hear about all the fights Nick and Vanessa have been having and whether or not she’s gonna move to the U.S.
RAVEN
If you, like me, were expecting a Raven post-show makeover, you are mistaken. Raven looks exactly the fucking same (minus a possible casual nose job). She doesn’t even have a new I-Just-Got-Dumped-On-National-Television lob or highlights or anything. Kind of disappointing TBH. Raven would look great with a lob.
Chris: So, why didn’t you like, cry and shit when you got dumped?
Raven: Cry? Lol who am I, Nick? Also I’m going to fucking Paradise now so bye bye Hoxie see you never.
So like, Raven gets to go drink Champagne in Mexico on Orgasm Island and Vanessa gets to…spend her life with Nick Viall. Who is the real winner here?
Vanessa
Then Vanessa comes back and, surprise surprise, four weeks have passed and she’s still annoying.
Chris: We expected there would be some knock-down-drag-out fights between the two of you, have those moments happened?
Vanessa: Every day.
They have apparently not spent much time together between the fact that they’re not allowed to be seen together and they live in different countries, which is why the whole “engagement” thing is pretty tentative right now.
Like, is Vanessa wearing the big-ass ring Nick got her? Duh. But have they like, set a date or invited anyone or really done anything that would signal a wedding will be happening? Nah.
Chris: So you guys haven’t set a date or anything?
Vanessa: Omg no we’re gonna break up as soon as this shoot is over.
Vanessa does reveal that she is leaning toward moving to the U.S. rather than having Nick move to Canada, because who wants free healthcare and a competent leader when you can have….Dancing With The Stars?
Rachel
Finally, Nick and Vanessa get their annoying asses out of the way so we can get to Rachel, who is continuing this season’s Bachelor post-show trend of wearing a fly AF jumpsuit. So what is this big, “historic,” surprise Chris Harrison keeps talking about?
Chris: Are you excited to start your season of The Bachelorette?
Rachel: Well I—
Chris: CUZ IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her journey to love has already begun, and we all get a sneak peek at the season as she meets four of the corniest dudes I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like, seriously, Rachel is a gorgeous lawyer with a fly AF penguin onesie and these clowns are the best the show can do?
So, here are the men in order:
First, Demario, who seemed okay until he had a ring and tickets for them to go to Vegas already prepared. Like, I guess it’s good to know that this dude has enough money to buy two very expensive items that he has a 1/30 chance of actually using, but the whole thing just seemed…extra.
Next we meet Blake—or maybe Blaine? Idk—who looks awkward AF and solidifies that impression by immediately telling Rachel that she “smells good” and telling her that he “wasn’t planning on this” which is an obvious lie. Like…did you just happen to be at the Bachelor studio in a suit when all this was going down? Don’t you have to submit like five applications and a video just to be considered for this show?
Blake then ends his cringeworthy encounter with a horrible side-hug that screams “I’m going to be eliminated week one.”
Enter, Dean who has 30 seconds to let America and Rachel know two things: 1) he is good looking and 2) he is aware that Rachel is black. We knew there was going to be at least one.
Dean: I’m ready to go black, and never go back.
Rachel : Hahahahaha that’s so funny I love that.
Rachel : Dean must be destroyed.
Then, finally, we meet Eric, who uses his time to lay down the following riddle:
Eric: I’m from Baltimore. You’re from Texas. But we’re here right now. I’m happy to be here. It’s a miracle season. What am I?
Rachel: I loved what you just said.
Then the two of them do a little dance as if to say, “Nick’s season is over and it’s time for Rachel! Praise Jesus!”
And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.
RAVEN MEETS THE FAM
We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.
Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.
Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.
Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: ……………..
Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.
Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe.
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM
Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.
Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.
Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?
Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.
Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do.
NICK & VANESSA’S DATE
We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.
And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.
Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?
Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.
Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?
NICK & RAVEN’S DATE
Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia.
Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.
Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism.
Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged.
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.
Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”
Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs.
Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers.
Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory.
Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.
So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet.
Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!
