Last night, after weeks of complete uncertainty over who Colton would choose (I kid, we’ve all known for weeks), The Bachelor ended with Cassie as the winner. Unlike most seasons, there was no proposal at the end, but Colton and Cassie both took to Instagram to prove how in love they are. They’ve both posted twice since the finale aired, and all of the posts make me want to throw up in my mouth. What can I say, I’m cynical like that! And because I’ve had to suffer through reading these captions, so should you.
Before reading all of these sappy captions, it’s important to remember that this is a relationship from a TV show, so their entire relationship has to be taken with about a tablespoon of salt. I’m not saying that they’re definitely not into each other at all, but I have eyes and a TV and Cassie looked like she was uncomfortable around Colton for this entire season, including last night when they got back together. I guess things can change, but this is a pretty major 180 from when she literally dumped him in Portugal and he had to chase after her through the streets. (Reading that back, it sounds less like the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks-type love story and more like the intro to an episode of Criminal Minds.)
But back to these photos. Colton started things off with this picture of him and Cassie in bed, because being in bed together is a thing they do now. Don’t you guys know? He was a VIRGIN and now he is NOT! I really want to know who took this picture, because it’s either on a self-timer, which is the least sexy thing in the world, or there’s a third person in the room, which means the photo is 100% staged—and, I take it back, that’s the least sexy thing in the world. Either way, these two are already pros at taking staged candids that look good on Instagram. I see a bright future ahead of them!
In the caption, Colton calls Cassie his “future fiancé” and “future wife,” which would be sweet if we didn’t just watch him basically bribe her with a trip to Spain just so she wouldn’t block his number. That brings me to the end of the caption, which is by far the worst thing I’ve ever read:
Let’s do this thing they call life… together… forever.”
STOP. NO. I HATE IT SO MUCH. This is like Colton read a list of the worst couples Instagram captions and figured out a way to roll them all into one. I really can’t with this whole “doing life together” thing. Like, they’re not even engaged. Congrats Colton, you have a girlfriend, now please just leave us all in peace.
Cassie’s first post revealing her relationship with Colton features a caption that is almost 400 words long. If you’re wondering, so far this article is ~250 words, so congrats for reading 2/3rds of a Cassie Randolph Instagram caption. We’re so blessed. If you don’t feel like reading the caption (I support you), it’s basically a commercial for how going on The Bachelor can change your life. At the end, she talks about the pressures of social media, and how she’s trying not to let others get to her. Honestly, I’m just impressed she managed to type a short-form essay on a touchscreen keyboard.
One hour later, Cassie followed up her Insta manifesto with another post about her and Colton, this time with a mirror selfie of them kissing. Cool. After the first post, Cassie must have gotten a warning from Instagram about her caption length or something, because this time she kept it to one chunky paragraph. She talks about how things weren’t always easy with Colton, but they’ve built an amazing relationship in the last four months, and now they’re stronger than ever. (Said by every couple four months into a relationship because it’s the honeymoon phase.) Here’s the sentence I want printed on my tombstone:
You jumped a fence, took a risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us.
Damn girl. I don’t know if Taylor Swift is hiring any new songwriters right now, but Cassie should really hit her up. I’m happy that Colton and Cassie are happy, and I of course expected them to capitalize on the post-finale buzz, but these captions are kind of sending me over the edge. I really don’t want to know what their text conversations look like, but I’m imagining a lot of run-on sentences and butterfly emojis. Or more likely, they don’t speak to each other except for when Mike Fleiss texts them a reminder of the stipulations in their contracts. Ah, young love.
For his second post of the night, Colton went with a selfie in the car, holding the fake butterfly that Cassie gave him when she got out of the limo on the first night. He says in the caption that Cassie doesn’t know he kept it, but he tags her in the goddamn photo, so I think the secret is out.
Of course, all the faces of BachelorNation wanted to similarly capitalize on the finale, so there were dozens of Bachelor alums commenting on all their photos. I’ve done you all the service of condensing some of my (least) favorites:
First of all, 10,000 eye-rolls to Colton for still bringing up that stupid gate fence every chance he gets. We get it, you jumped over a thing once in Portugal, can we please move on with our lives? Jade chimes in to declare that “love wins,” which I’m pretty sure is a slogan that was initially meant to support actual issues like marriage equality, but sure, why not.
Caelynn is obviously sooooo happy for Colton and Cassie, especially because she was basically pimping Cassie out the second she got eliminated. Caelynn is probably still salty she didn’t get chosen to be The Bachelorette, but at least she can comment something nice on her friend’s Insta.
Aaaaand rounding things out, we have thirsty Ashley I. being thirsty, as per usual. “Giddy” seems like way too strong of a word for people she’s probably met like, one time.
Congratulations to Colton and Cassie, but you better believe they’re both getting muted on Instagram for the foreseeable future. We’ll see how many weeks these declarations of love last, before they revert to Flat Tummy Tea #spon and never mention one another again. I’m so sad this season is over, can you tell?
Images: ABC; @coltonunderwood (2), @cassierandolph (2) / Instagram
For the last six months, I’ve spent way more time than I care to admit focused on Colton Underwood’s virginity. From the moment he first appeared on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette (which feels like seven years ago), ABC and Mike Fleiss have been shoving Colton’s sexual history down Bachelor nation’s collective throats. From his relationship with Becca, to the drama in Paradise with Tia, to this never-ending season of The Bachelor, I think literally everyone in America has heard about Colton’s virginity. But what if Colton has been lying about his v-card the whole time? There’s new evidence, and we need to discuss.
Back in February, TMZ posted a Snapchat photo of a young Colton Underwood, with a caption that proudly proclaims “I f*cked a big tittied hoe last night.” Cute, love that. It’s obviously an old picture, because Colton looks about 21 years old. If the caption is real, it obviously blows Colton’s alleged virginity out of the water. But, let’s face it, a Snapchat photo can easily be Photoshopped, or Colton could have just been making a dumb joke. We’ve spent the last year watching his dumb sense of humor on TV, so this really wouldn’t be that shocking.
At the time, TMZ claimed that their sources said the photo was fake, so it didn’t get a ton of press. But this week, the photo resurfaced after Robby Hayes brought it up on the Bachelor Blab podcast. When asked about the topic of Colton Underwood’s virginity, he said “I personally don’t really think he’s a virgin. I saw that picture that came out, I’m sure you did too.” He didn’t stop there: “I actually got sent that picture about two months before it came out by my sister, because this person he sent it to is one of her friends, and so she was like, ‘Oh my God. He’s not a virgin.'”
When this story broke yesterday, I really didn’t know what to think. We all know that Robby Hayes is thirsty AF, and now that his 15 seconds of fame on Vanderpump Rules is over, this is a prime way for him to get some Google Alerts about himself. But still, what if all this is real? What if Colton has really spent an entire year lying to Chris Harrison and all of America, just so he could have a source of income after his failed football career?
My mental state after dealing with 9 months of Colton’s bullsh*t:
Then, last night, a dedicated Betchelor fan DMed us, and said that she was in possession of the fabled Colton Snapchat. Our source would prefer to remain anonymous, but she got the Snap from someone who went to high school with Colton, and is still in a Snapchat group with him. Of course, this still isn’t proof that Colton was being serious when he sent the photo, but it really sounds like it was a real Snap that he sent to people.
In the end, we’ll probably never know if Colton Underwood is (or was) truly a virgin, and I guess it doesn’t really matter that much. But also f*ck Mike Fleiss if he’s been dragging us through this virginity joke-laden hell for the last year and it’s all been a hoax. The end of Colton’s season is only a couple weeks away, and it honestly can’t come soon enough.
Images: ABC; @betches / Instagram; Giphy
Well, Bachelor fam, the end is in sight. And by “end” I mean the fence jumping scene obviously. This week is my favorite week of every season: Hometowns. Hometowns is always a fun episode, because we get to meet the women’s families and learn a little bit more about their daddy issues background. Plus there’s always at least one woman a season who introduces her less attractive sister who clearly could have been her if her face wasn’t paid for by modern science. Lest we forget Becca’s sister from last season, whose hair grew three inches every time a man lied about being in love with her sister. See? Fun!!
Surprise, surprise. ABC decides to start off an episode that’s meant to be about connecting with family and taking relationships to a deeper level with a close up of Colton’s wet, naked body. At least they’re playing to his strengths. That was a cheap shot, ABC, but I see why you had to do it.
Colton’s talking about what a struggle his journey has been as a white, conventionally attractive man who happens to be a virgin. The horror. He casually throws out Becca’s name and it’s literally the first time he’s mentioned her this entire season. Lol. I forgot he even dated her? How nice of him to start pretending for us he was ever into her.
CAELYNN’S HOMETOWN
Moving on. First up is Caelynn’s hometown, and Colton travels to Virginia to meet up with her, which is confusing because for the last 8 weeks anytime anyone has accidentally breathed in her direction she’s humble bragged about being Miss North Carolina. Do we think Caelynn wears her “Miss North Carolina” sash around Virginia or do you think she’s embarrassed because she could never win in Virginia and had to move to a different state to do so?
Colton spends approximately three seconds around Caelynn’s family before they’re already visibly disgusted by him. Imagine how you’d feel if you watched him for eight weeks, John!!
Caelynn’s sister pulls her aside for some “girl talk,” which is just a thinly veiled pep talk about how Caelynn needs to keep her head in the game and dump his ass so she can become the next Bachelorette. Honestly, I can’t even concentrate on what the sister is even saying because MY GOD what is happening on her eyeballs rn? Like, does she have a lazy eye? Is she just terribly bad at applying false eyelashes? Is she maybe a drunk? IS IT ALL THREE??
Okay, why is Caelynn’s family acting like Colton is America’s bad boy? Like, he’s about as threatening as a neutered golden retriever. The only person who is talking any sense here is John, Caelynn’s STEPdad, not her biological dad, who she has nothing to do with unless it helps her backstory to go farther in this franchise.
JOHN: Let me just ask you though, do you feel like he might be gay?
HAHA. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, JOHN.
Lol. John is amazing. He’s like “why can’t you just be friends tho?” and it’s it’s like, give it some time sweetie. Caelynn’s got about one more week left on this show and then she’ll be singing his praises about what a good guy he is and how she’s just ready to find love herself.
John sits down with Colton next. This should be good. Wait is Colton already asking for her hand in marriage? Why is he making this so weird?
COLTON: I don’t think I love your daughter at all but IF I have to bite the bullet in two weeks do I have your blessing to get married?
Christ, Colton. At least PRETEND like you’re not this close to dumping her! Come on. Have some tact.
Also the look on John’s face at the thought of his daughter being won over by the human equivalent of Humpty Dumpty is f*cking priceless. The date ends with Caelynn telling Colton she’s falling for him and Colton saying it back with about as much enthusiasm as someone who had to be prompted with a cue card that said “SAY IT BACK” (which is absolutely what I assume happened here).
HANNAH’S HOMETOWN:
Next up is Hannah’s hometown, so Colton heads down to Alabama. WAIT. Both Hannahs this season are from Alabama? Can you imagine if the other Hannah had made it to Hometowns and not only were they battling it out for a spot in the Fantasy Suite but also to see who was the better Alabama Hannah? What a missed opportunity, ABC!
For their date, Hannah makes Colton go to an etiquette class so he can learn how to be a Southern gentlemen. Lol k. Like, last time he and Hannah were together he slapped her ass on national television and vigorously rubbed himself on her behind a bush. I think we’re wayyyy past that, Han.
MISS SUE: Don’t worry, just be yourself! Except not the self who just buttered that biscuit like an uncivilized circus animal.
ALSO MISS SUE AND COLTON:
Hannah’s like “that was such a fun day!” meanwhile, Colton looks like he just lived through Vietnam. I can’t wait to see how his newly defeated state of mind plays out when he meets the parents!
Okay, why does Hannah’s mom look like one of Melissa McCarthy’s aliases in Spy? And her Aunt looks like a poor man’s Kate Gosselin? Like, what am I looking at here??
I love how Hannah’s parents disapprove of her dating a man on national television who is also dating 25 other women, but they approve of her budding career as an Instagram thirst trap. Like, your daughter has 600,000+ followers on Instagram, fake dating a man for publicity is probably the least this girl will do for an Instagram partnership.
HANNAH G: I’m just really falling for Colton you know?
HANNAH G’S MOM:
YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CAN’T UNSEE IT.
Colton says he’s falling for her, and she says it back with about as much emotion as someone with vacant doll eyes can possibly have. That said, I do think she’ll make it to next week. Hannah, you’re one lucky girl! Here’s hoping he lasts longer than the obligatory handjob she feels like she has to give him.
TAYSHIA’S HOMETOWN
Colton meets Tayshia in her hometown and she immediately pulls out a red blindfold and gets Colton into the position. Uh oh, Colton. You better watch out or you might be losing your v-card in Tayshia’s red room of pain.
HAHA. Okay, so Tayshia isn’t surprising him with something kinky, instead they’re just going skydiving. Colton, however, looks like he would have rather had a spanking then be forced to jump out of a moving plane.
COLTON: I guess I really shouldn’t have made her bungee jump that one time…
ALSO COLTON: *blubbering* but I don’t want to die a virgin!!
Y’ALL. THAT SCREAM. That was the least attractive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope Tayshia gets cut this week because idk how she’s going to be able to take that scream in the bedroom.
Moving on. We get ready for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family for the first time and her dad is like “Colton is gonna have to be a superstar.” Yeah, you might want to lower that bar, sir. Like, to the floor.
Colton walks in and he is VERY confident for a man who just screamed like a girl on national television. He’s like “I feel like I can do anything now that I didn’t wet myself jumping from that plane like I thought I would.”
Okay, is Colton just going to repeat the exact same speech to every father? Like, he’s not even subbing in any individualized details for each girl. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s dad is practically begging Colton to dump her. He’s like “she’s been divorced once already, please don’t make me pay for another one.”
OMG. He just told Colton he doesn’t have his permission to marry his daughter! I have so much respect for this dude now. THANK YOU for not negotiating with these terrorists ABC and giving into their demands that he not hate Colton’s guts.
TAYSHIA’S DAD: You can’t just microwave a relationship.
COLTON:
Okay, I’m rescinding my earlier respect comment because Tayshia’s dad just CAVED and gave Colton his blessing. He’s like “I feel content to say yes to Colton” and it’s the most lukewarm response I’ve ever heard, and I’m wondering how they managed to keep the gun the producer is holding to his head off camera.
CASSIE’S HOMETOWN
Last up is Cassie’s hometown. If you’ll recall, last week Cassie was almost sent home when she was called out for being too immature and not ready for marriage, but then didn’t because Colton decided that he didn’t care so long as he got laid. I paraphrase.
Cassie takes Colton surfing for their date because apparently it’s her “favorite thing to do.” I’m sure she also loves grabbing a beer with the guys and watching the big game because she just “gets along better with guys.” Mmkay, Cassie.
Okay, how much do we think Colton is going to emasculate himself trying to surf? Oh, as much as possible I guess. He’s flopping around all over the place and it’s like, I thought you were a professional athlete? Where is that athleticism that had you riding the bench for one season? Hmm?
Colton takes a break from humiliating himself in the waves to ask her if she sees a future with him and she’s like “uhhhhh.” Okay is this not EXACTLY what Kirpa and Tayshia tried to say last episode?? Like, Cassie and Colton might have the most chemistry I’ve seen all season (besides that hug between Colton and Ben last week which was positively sizzling), but Cassie is not here to get married. She’s here for Instagram likes and possibly her own spinoff.
Cut to Colton meeting the family and they are…very blonde. Is it just me or does her family look like they’re their own cult?
Also, I love that all the families meet Colton and then immediately tell the girl not to settle. It’s like they were all for them being on The Bachelor until they actually met the Bachelor and realized he has the desirability of a wet sock. At least Colton didn’t open with “did you know that in our past lives we were siblings!!”
Okay, I’m low-key appalled by Cassie’s behavior during this date. Her parents try and voice their concerns to her and she’s acting like me when my mom tried to tell me it was inappropriate to walk around in public wearing a shirt that said “my eyes are up here” at aged 14.
CASSIE’S DAD: You’re only 23 and marriage is a big commitment.
CASSIE:
Yeah, she seems ready to be spiritually and legally bound to someone for the rest of her natural-born life.
Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling for him AND her father flat out refuses to give his blessing. Normally, this is the kiss of death for most girls who get this far, but I have a feeling Colton would go on strike and refuse to do another shower scene if Cassie didn’t at least make it to the Fantasy Suite.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Going into the rose ceremony, I feel like I already know who’s going home. but sure ABC, why not continue to waste our time. As much as Cassie should go home because it’s so clear that she’s only on this show for Instagram likes, I feel like Colton is going to follow his heart dick and keep her around for another week.
Annnnd Caelynn goes home, where I’m sure she will continue to campaign for her spot as the next Bachelorette from afar. To be fair, she knew it was over the second he picked Tayshia and it was down to just her and Cassie.
Meanwhile, Cassie looks more emotional about Caelynn leaving than she has anytime Colton has ever professed his feelings for her. WAIT. Did Caelynn just whisper “get engaged” as her parting words to Cassie?? Y’all, I feel like these two have some shady hidden agenda happening on the side, and those last words to Cassie are only confirming this for me.
Well, betches, that’s a wrap for this week! And if you thought watching Colton ask for four hands in marriage wasn’t torture enough, next week we get to listen to him moan behind closed doors on Monday, and see what cosmetic enhancements the women have gotten since they gained 500,000 instagram followers at the Tell All on Tuesday. See you there!
Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); ABC (2)
Another Monday where most of the country is in subzero temps means no one is leaving the house, so might as well watch some Bachelor. We’re on week 4 of this roller coaster ride of a season (sarcasm), which means about half of the girls are at home thinking of the best IG caption for them to sell that Dyson hair dryer that they can’t live without. (Newsflash: The dryer is about six months old, and you were living before then, so who’s the liar?) Let’s get to it, because I need to go to Whole Foods before I go to bed.
The episode kicks off after last week’s rose ceremony with all the girls having a pow-wow in the living room about how they’re all running out of outfits, and they need to start switching so they don’t repeat. While eyeing up who might be their size, Chris Harrison walks in to tell them it’s time to go to Singapore! A few problems with this: 1) They only find out ONE hour before they leave for Singapore? I hope they aren’t flying Southwest because just finding out one hour prior to flight time with no check in? They’re for sure boarding in group Z. 2) What happened to the baby step cities first?? ABC is now going from the Bachelor Mansion to directly around the world? Something tells me they got a good deal on Spirit Airlines and it was too good to pass up.
Colton and the ladies arrive in Singapore, and Colton’s opening outfit alone tells me he flew across the world and didn’t check a bag, but hey, that’s none of my business. The ladies grab a group drink at Applebee’s Singapore, and then head back to the hotel for some date card action. The date card comes, and it has Tayshia’s name written all over it for her first one-on-one. If I could translate the looks she was getting from her cohorts, they would say: “Take your sh*t with you, because if you don’t, we’re gonna have your suitcase swimming with the fishes.”
Prior to his date with Tayshia, Colton does another one of these creepy Skype interviews with us, reassuring us that he is the Bachelor and isn’t going anywhere. After a quick contemplation walk on the beach, Colton and Tayshia find out that their “taking love to new heights” involves bungee jumping. (Pause right here: I would need several clean pair of drawers on standby, because me sh*tting my pants on this date would definitely happen multiple times.) Colton and Tayshia both completed the jump, and I can with 100% certainty say Colton did not sh*t his underwear…only because he doesn’t wear any.
Back on solid ground, Tayshia dons a red one piece on the beach that no doubt helps Colton live out a Wendy Peffercorn fantasy from his childhood. (That’s a Sandlot reference, in case you’re too young to know). They then run into the ocean to make out and Tayshia intentionally almost drowns him, giving her reason to perform mouth to mouth.
On the night date looking AMAZING (Tayshia fan here), she admits to being married and divorced recently. Colton gives her a sincere response that had to have been written on cue cards, and Tayshia eats it up. He gives her the rose to solidify that she’s safe, and they celebrate in an amusement park where everyone’s pissed because they shut the place down to film. Back at the Holiday Inn Express, the rest of the Gossip Girls get their fate via the next date card. I don’t have enough characters to tell you who’s on this THIRTEEN girl group date, but I’ll tell you who’s not, Caelynn. Yes, this next date will be chauffeured by your local Greyhound bus.
Colton takes this parade of girls on a walk through the market and it has all the locals wondering why the Pussycat Dolls are walking through the streets of their city. They make a pit stop to have leeches suck out their souls, and it proves not to be effective on Demi since she doesn’t have one. Later, Colton and Cassie get their fortunes told which reveal that Colton and Cassie may be brother and sister. Either this is fake, or the Bachelor casting team was feeling REALLY messy this season.
The night portion of the group date brings us to our new potential villain: Courtney. Who is Courtney, you ask?? Good question. I don’t really know how to describe her, but just know when she speaks, she doesn’t move her top lip. Everyone gets their time with Colton (Demi goes twice) except for Courtney, and she cries like I did when Barack left office. Demi tells her “Get in there and fight for what you want,” and this marks the only time I’ve ever liked Demi. Okay, over it. Back to hating her now. Demi and Courtney throw verbal jabs, but none of them are willing to physically fight because they both have tags on their dresses that are definitely going back. Demi gets the group date rose, and Courtney has the sad face of someone who just walked up to Chipotle and realized it’s closed.
Caelynn one-on-one time! The girls do a send-off for her, which is always awkward, because all the girls definitely want her to trip down an escalator that’s going up. Anywho, she’s greeted with an old school Bentley (proving that Singapore Ubers > American Ubers) and is whisked away for a shopping spree. Colton takes her to a store that looks like the Express of Singapore, and she gets a ton of things that will clearly make the other girls want to kill her.
The night portion of the date is a tearjerker (yes, I cried), because Caelynn opens up like we’ve never seen before. She talks about how she was drugged and raped in college and the lasting effects of the experience. Colton listens attentively, and does his best to console her and let her know that she is safe with him. No doubt this took their relationship to the next level, and you can visibly see that she’s there for the long run.
Let’s get to these cocktails! Hannah G. is up first and she gets some alone time in Colton’s bedroom. Colton claims to have OCD…but they BOTH have their shoes on in the bed!! OCD?? Yea, the lie detector determined THAT was a lie! WHO RAISED YOU?!?
PSA to My Future Girlfriend:
You get in my bed with ya shoes on? You just broke up with me. And I’m calling the police. #thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) January 29, 2019
Next, Caelynn grabs Hannah B. to clear the air, and this potential interaction alone tells me someone should have dialed 9-1-and have their finger ready to press the other “1.” They both maturely agree to be cordial, because they’re both just interested in a NFL player that could be their meal ticket. Oh wait…
Demi spends her one-on-one time telling Colton that she was “attacked” by Courtney and that she is the “cancer” in the house. Courtney may be a lot of things, but cancer? Nah. She’s more like the Chicken pox of the house. Annoying, but you know it’s going to go away eventually. Enough of this, it’s finally rose ceremony time.
Already safe are Tayshia, Demi, and Caelynn. Okay, time for heads to roll. The roses go according to plan, and since they get no air time, I want to remind you that Kirpa, Heather (“Never Been Kissed”), and Kate are still there and receive roses. Fighting for the last rose are Onyeka, Tracy, and Courtney, and Onyeka gets to stay for another week. Proving my theory wrong about Tracy being the chaperone of the group, she gets to head back stateside with Courtney. Chicken pox isn’t curable in Singapore, so it’s probably for the best.
Next week’s episode shows Colton walking on the beach in dress shoes, so I already know I’m going to hate it. God help me…
Images: Giphy; Diggy Moreland / Twitter
