It’s safe to say that few of us had high hopes for this season of The Bachelor. I know I certainly didn’t. With Peter the Pilot in the cockpit, we knew we were in for a nosedive, but it isn’t happening in the way we’d expected. Season 24 (lord help us) has actually been anything but boring, but that’s precisely the problem. For the first time, drama has gone from being an entertaining but ultimately short-lived element of the show, to the foundation upon which our current Bachelor is building just about all of his relationships. As viewers, we’re expected to invest in a lead whose baffling choices leave him with zero credibility, and women with questionable motives. I’ve been wondering for a while now why The Bachelor sucks so much this season, and I think I’ve narrowed it down to a few reasons.
Peter Gravitates Toward Emotionally Unstable Women
Even Stevie Wonder could see that Peter has an unhealthy fixation on emotionally unstable women. Between glorifying the telenovelas he watched with his grandma as a kid and idolizing a mother who we see in previews sobbing over a mystery woman she barely knows, our Petey never had a chance. It’s no wonder he felt compelled to try and win the heart of Hannah B. who, though endearing, isn’t exactly the poster child for emotional maturity. After rejecting him not once, but twice, she hijacks the first night and a group date and ends up crying in Peter’s lap in a puddle of her own mascara. Instead of immediately recoiling letting her down gently, Peter is apparently aroused and offers to light his season on fire by giving her a spot in the house. We all have our kinks!
Things don’t improve after Hannah B. leaves, however. Soon thereafter we were treated to a multi-episode arc centering around whether or not Hannah Ann stole Kelsey’s champagne. Though Kelsey grew on me over time, her behavior during the whole finasco was nothing short of batsh*t. Normally at the point Champagne-Gate happened, getting wasted, starting petty drama, and not being able to play well with others is grounds for elimination. Not so for our Pedro. Later, when Tammy suggests to Peter that Kelsey is emotionally unstable, Kelsey attempts to set the record straight by… showing up unannounced to Peter’s room and crying. For this, she gets a rose.
Even the Alayah storyline gave us a glimpse into Peter’s psyche. Though we now know that Sydney is an unreliable narrator, we did see that Alayah was rubbing several women in the house the wrong way and shaping up to be this season’s villain. Unless you’re Courtney Robertson, that kind of edit gets you sent home. Instead, Peter tries to bring her back after eliminating her and has even said recently that drama amongst the women “showed that this was working” and “f all the women were just getting along super well, they probably wouldn’t have been super into me.” Putting aside the blatant misogyny inherent in that statement, I’m pretty sure even with all the fighting, they’re still not that into you, buddy. You can go change your forehead bandage now.
Peter Mistakes Composure For A Lack Of Connection
Kelley was arguably a frontrunner early in the season, having banged met Peter before filming began after a chance meeting at a hotel. Peter seemed genuinely excited about her for weeks until their bizarre one-on-one date where he questioned her intentions for reasons that weren’t immediately clear. When Kelley rightly counters that he rewards drama, and on another date has the audacity to suggest that a relationship can be both good and easy, Peter regards her with a suspicion he normally reserves for women over 30.
Even when Peter’s instincts are right, he falls victim to poor judgment. Toward the end of a one-on-one date, Peter seems to pick up on his lack of connection with Hannah Ann, who’s clearly on the show to advance her middling modeling career. He almost sends her home, even going so far as to dramatically walk away from the dinner table. As if sensing that crocodile tears are his Viagra, she goes after him and pushes a few out in a last-ditch effort to secure her FabFitFun sponsorship spot in the final four. She gets the rose and, poof, suddenly all reservations about her seem to disappear.
Peter Ignores Clear Red Flags
At this point in the season, the final four should be comprised of four women who, if not actually there for the right reasons, are at least trying to convince us otherwise. This time, with the exception of maybe Madison, we have finalists who would’ve been eliminated weeks ago: Hannah Ann, who’s there to broaden her opportunities and clearly not ready for marriage; Kelsey, the hot mess who overindulged early on and struggles to keep it together; and Victoria F., who hasn’t come close to opening up and being vulnerable, qualities that are practically prerequisites for making it to hometowns. Instead, she’s shady, evasive when asked probing questions, won’t look Peter in the eye, and cries when put on the spot. In other words, marriage material. As if that weren’t alarming enough, she deflects when Peter asks pointed questions about her shady past and gaslights him. Apparently this is Peter’s idea of foreplay, because she gets a rose without even introducing him to her family on her hometown date! Meanwhile Kelley is kicked off for daring to refer to the experience as “fun” and Kelsey is eliminated for daring to be clear about being in love with him.
Me watching Peter give Victoria F. the rose:
Even if we don’t buy into the format of The Bachelor as a realistic way of finding everlasting love, at the very least, we want to be able to root for the Bachelor and the woman he chooses in the end. Unfortunately, the elevation of drama this season, and Peter’s flagrant revelry in it, has made this extremely difficult, if not impossible. As a card-carrying messy b*tch who lives for drama, it pains me to say that there can, in fact, be too much of a good thing. Peter’s false and immature belief that love must be difficult colors his decision-making throughout this season, to the detriment of not only the two women who aren’t there to expand their brand, but also to us viewers. Just when we thought The Bachelor couldn’t get more ridiculous, our trusty pilot flies in and makes it a full-on farce.
Images: ABC/Francisco Roman; Giphy (4)
So uh, I guess these are spoilers for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, but not really. Read at your own risk!
If you weren’t that impressed with the crop of contestants for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, apparently you’re not the only one. They’re currently filming, and the latest update on what’s going down behind the scenes almost made me fall out of my chair. Buckle up, because Hannah Brown is back in town.
Here’s what happened. A few days ago, there was a group date planned for Peter’s season. At the date, Hannah was set to make an appearance, and she was going to trade sex stories with some of the women. Not sure I love the concept, but it makes sense for an appropriately cringey Bachelor group date. I’m sure Hannah was going to talk about the windmill, and we all would have loved it. But at the last minute, the date was canceled, with the official reason that Peter was sick. This has happened before, so it wasn’t really a cause for concern, BUT THEN.
Again, this is a spoiler ahead so don’t continue reading if you don’t want to see spoilers.
Apparently, Hannah and Peter were talking before the date, and that’s when Peter decided to cancel. Then, instead of going home, he and Hannah continued to hang out. Homeboy wasn’t sick at all! All of this info comes from @bachelornationspoilers on Instagram, and while these things can be hard to confirm, people saw Hannah at the date location. Whatever did or didn’t go down with Peter, she was definitely there.
Honestly, I’m not thrilled about this development. I like Hannah a lot, but I feel like the Bachelor producers need to chill tf out and just let the new season be its own thing. After sitting through an entire season of Bachelor in Paradise that felt like an inside joke we weren’t in on (they need to film at Stagecoach next year), I was looking forward to The Bachelor getting back to normal. Okay, maybe not like normal normal, but just your average season of The Bachelor where the guy just has the choices presented to him. Is that too much to ask??
But instead, we’re getting another round of The Bachelor with literally no fourth wall, where the events on the show are too intertwined with the real world for anything to actually be believable. Maybe Peter will end up engaged to the girl with the puka shell necklace (yikes), but maybe he’ll just keep DMing Hannah instead. They really should start filming this show on a remote island, with no one allowed in or out until it’s all over. It’s the only way.
Obviously, Peter’s season is far from over, so I’m not saying he’s going to ditch all the women for Hannah, but this behind the scenes info isn’t especially promising. On the other hand, there are also rumors that Hannah is hooking up with her Dancing With The Stars partner Alan Bersten, which I personally would support. Last night, they did a Q&A together on his Instagram story, and they seem to get along super well. Whether this is a DWTS fling, the beginning of something serious, or just two randos who are being forced to spend a lot of time together, I’m into it.
It’s been an exhausting few months in Bachelor Nation. We’ve had Tyler and Gigi, Mike and Demi, Blake and everyone, Amanda and the Chanel bag, Nick and Rachel Bilson (maybe), and it seems like we haven’t seen the end of the drama for this year. Guys, I need a f*cking nap. But Bachelor Nation never sleeps, and apparently neither do I. I’ll be waiting eagerly to see whether Peter finds the love of his life, or if he jumps the fence like Colton did (LOL that the fence jump happened like seven months ago, I feel old). It’s going to be a fun journey.
Images: ABC; bachelornationspoilers, alanbersten / Instagram
After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.
He’s Slightly Sketchy
Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.
One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.
He’s (Yet Another) White Guy
It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.
Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?
By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.
Images: ABC; Giphy (3)
This morning, ABC decided to thoroughly ruin my day by releasing a first look at the contestants for the upcoming season of The Bachelor. That’s right, we still haven’t even gotten to the end of Paradise, and we’re already being dragged back into another round of this bullsh*t. Chris Harrison is all set to announce the next Bachelor tonight (I won’t say who it is, but you can just Google it), and they’re wasting no time kicking off the new season.
Like they did for Hannah’s season earlier this year, ABC put the new contestants on Facebook, with photos that look like driver’s license pictures, and just first names and hometowns. That means we’ll have to wait for full descriptions (along with fake job titles), but for now, we can make some general observations about these 33 women. They’re also pulling the thing again of saying that these women may be on The Bachelor, which gives them time to get rid of anyone who gets exposed for problematic social media behavior. (Last season, Matt Dione got exposed for his DMs that bordered on harassment, and he never actually made it on the show.)
Of course, this season has two Laurens, because no season of The Bachelor is complete without a strong foundation of Laurens. The only other duplicate name this season is Victoria, which is interesting. If this was America’s Next Top Model, Tyra absolutely would have made one of them go by Tori if they wanted to stay in the competition. Chris Harrison, be messier. Other interesting names this season include Alayah, Avonlea (pretty sure this is the name of my sister’s suburban apartment complex in Atlanta), and Mykenna, which is not a name that needs a “Y.”
While these photos are, overall, much better than the dimly-lit nightmares that we got for Hannah’s season, there are definitely some confusing outfits that made the cut. Idk what they told these women to wear for their first appearance in Bachelor nation, but the dress code seems…varied.
This is Natasha. She’s cute! But where is she going in this outfit? This screams “I went to the bar to watch the football game, but main objective was to get drunk and make out with someone.” In general, I feel like I shouldn’t be able to see both your sternum and your belly button at the same time, so this isn’t quite doing it for me. Hope she has fun at the tailgate tho!
This is Alexis. I have thoughts. She’s from Canada, but I’m getting the vibe that she’s that girl who legit never shuts up about the beach. Did you know that she surfs? Between the puka shell necklace, the scrunchie on the wrist, the turquoise ring, the Abercrombie belt, and the white long sleeve tee, I feel like I know absolutely everything about Alexis. This is like the summer version of Kim Possible’s outfit, and it belongs in a trashcan in 2006. Please, please get this girl literally any other shirt.
This is Lexi. She’s from New York City, which means she moved to NYC when she was 23, which was probably two years ago. Her dress is literally my preppy nightmare, and it tells me so, so much about her. Lexi probably only hangs out at rooftop bars in FiDi, and maybe Dumbo when she’s feeling adventurous. She only dates finance bros, and she drinks beer when she wants to feel like one of the guys. She says y’all even though she’s never lived in the south, and she 100% owns cowboy boots.
While there are 30 more women to get through, I’m going to stop there, because there’s only so much I can say about all the tragic hair extensions and FashionNova dresses that should’ve been burned. Obviously, we’ll get to some more in-depth thoughts when we get the full contestant descriptions, because I’m sure some of these women have great fake occupations.
Overall, it seems like a pretty unremarkable bunch of contestants, but I’m sure there are a few crazies lurking, waiting to unleash their inner psychopath on the Bachelor and the rest of the women. One observation, as pointed out by our favorite Wells Adams, is that almost all of these women are rocking at least one hand on their hips. Were they instructed to do this? Is the skinny arm making a comeback that I was unaware of?? This looks so unnatural!
The new Bachelor will be announced tonight on the Bachelor In Paradise finale, and I have a feeling they’ll pull their usual trick of introducing him to a few women early. It will certainly be awkward, and I can’t wait. Come back tomorrow for our final BiP recap, and our thoughts on whoever the Bachelor is. Honestly, I’m proud of myself for not spoiling it in this article. Otherwise, meet back here in January for the new season? Sounds good.
Images: The Bachelor (4) / Facebook; thebetchelor / Instagram
Between the assault that was Ben Flajnik’s tank tops (stripes on stripes), Sean Lowe’s born-again virginity (100% not a thing), Arie’s love of everything (he loves that), and Nick Viall’s general douchery, we’re #done with the poor showing of men brought to us by ABC through The Bachelor franchise. Can you remember a time we really, truly LOVED the guy selected as the next Bachelor? I can. It was Juan Pablo, and he turned out to be one of the worst people pretty much on any show ever, and that’s including Scott Disick.
We hereby nominate Chris Harrison as our next Bachelor for the following reasons:
He’s Already Divorced
So this is kind of a f*cking duh point, but based on the secret lovers of Bachelor franchise contestants throughout time, it’s a solid point to make. Chris has no (romantic) strings attached. He has no wife, two kids (see: baggage), and just a big, sad, empty mansion (I assume) where he writes his erotic fiction. He divorced in 2012 after almost 20 years of marriage to his college sweetheart (YIKES), but hey, at least we know he’s not afraid of long-term commitments!
He’s A Prestigious Writer
Lest we forget, Chris Harrison is a f*cking legit erotic novel writer. Yes. He’s responsible for the sentence: “He was a practiced, considerate, and skilled lover, and two years together had taught him how to please her.” Did we all throw up together? If that doesn’t say, “I like to get freaky but I’m sensitive,” idk what does. Fun fact: I read six pages of Chris’ book, and I think he has a combination of BDSM and mommy issues he needs to work out.
Do you have any idea how much Chris Harrison takes home after hosting this trainwreck of a show? He has the easiest job in Hollywood and appears to have job security, so that’s the first plus. Aside from that, his net worth as of September 2018 was estimated to be about 16 million smackaroos, thanks to a combination of The Bachelor franchise and saying yes to anything (ANYTHING) ABC and Mickey Mouse ask him to do. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, fam. It’s not Bill Gates-level living, but it’s better than that “financial advisor” bro that keeps sliding into your DMs.
He’s A Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama
Chris literally cannot. He LOVES building up non-events, teasing us with commercial breaks, and dragging out some of the most hard-to-watch moments on television. Example: During Becca and Arie’s breakup, I could 100% see Chris’s boner. I’m not even mad about it. Chris revels in catfights and breakups and knows just what to say to amp up non-action. Can we get him on Lindsay Lohan’s show? ***Furiously scribbles notes to start GoFundMe to send Chris to Mykonos***
He Seems Sad
I would be, too, if I had to live my life hosting The Bachelor franchise. Despite the money and hundreds of Bachelor friends, Chris seems sad. This also makes him vulnerable and a perfect candidate for a show dedicated to exploiting people’s fears of relationships.
He Knows Good Television
Chris knows how to play sh*t up, f*ck with the audience (and me), and completely destroy contestants. Lest we forget his foray into speaking Japanese and literally kicking Yuki off The Bachelor: Winter Games. Was literally anyone expecting that? How about when he was 100% ready to explain how to lose your virginity in three easy steps to Colton (fingers crossed that still happens this season)? Chris knows that we want and how to time commercial breaks so we come in our pants (sorry) every time something unexpected happens.
He’s Hot In A Dad Way
Don’t deny it. Chris, with his striking blue eyes and non-balding head are a big upgrade from the usual dads we’re weirdly into. He’s also from Dallas and an old frat bro, so he’s definitely into mowing the lawn with a beer and making you watch football. I’m personally upset by how okay with that I am.
Chris Harrison gets to fly to scenic Bach filming locations, be they Richmond, VA (LOLOLOLOL) or Vienna, Austria. He probably has a working knowledge of fine wines and knows exactly what cheese to pair with your Gewürztraminer. We already know he can speak Japanese; how many other languages can Chris say “the most dramatic season ever” in?? Sh*t, he can probably name the best street food stalls in Thailand and knows the best saunas in Switzerland. Take me with you, Chris. I’ll speak whatever language you want (as long as it’s English).
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (8)
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 33 year old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
For years, I’ve broken down the contestants before the new season. When I first started doing these, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram wasn’t a career. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers, and you could basically tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. This season, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to think of 30 different ways to call someone an influencer. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor café while we make fun of the people who walk past, except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter or Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I told you that I’ve been doing this breakdown for a long time. Well, last season a lot of The Bachelorette contestants started following me after reading what I wrote about them. Colton was one of those people. He was especially good about it. But honestly, why wouldn’t he be? Look what I wrote:
Colton is a 26 year old former pro football player who had to stop playing due to an injury. He has a charitable organization that helps children fight Cystic Fibrosis and a dog named Sniper. Lastly, he dated Olympic gold medal winner Aly Raisman, and he picked her up over social media. This guy might walk out of the limo, hand over his resume to Becca, wink at her, and then get a BJ in the bathroom.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that he might have the best resume in Bachelorette history. All its missing is a part about really enjoying his “How to eat pussy” class that he takes every Tuesday and Thursday and that nothing makes him happier than getting right back to texts. Is Sniper a yellow lab? If Sniper’s a yellow lab, I’ll blow him.
Ya…I’d like me too. I basically told an audience full of women that he was the greatest catch of all time and we should all go blow him without question. Was I right? Well, when I was in Denver, Colton actually came on my podcast. He couldn’t have been nicer. My mom would call him “a mensch.” He gave me a bottle of wine, came on the show, and I made fun of him for being a virgin. After the show, I literally pulled a crumpled fifty dollar bill from my pocket to pay him and he was like, “Donate it to my foundation!” Umm, what? I was almost annoyed that he made me realize I was a garbage person.
I’m honestly cheering for Colton to find whatever he wants from this experience. Now, that’s the question: what does he want? A following? A wife? A chance to have the greatest virginity loss story of all time–banging three different women in a fantasy suite over the course of a weekend? Money for his foundation? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that Colton has willpower. The guy’s still a virgin in the face of probably over 100k DM requests. I’m excited for Colton. I hope he has fun.
Alex is a “dog rescuer,” which is a really tough job title. Like, it’s hard to disagree with it. She saves dogs. Great work. But you know she’s unbearable. Her bio literally says, “she’s saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” That line reeks of self-congratulation. Like, I wouldn’t want to spend five minutes talking to someone at a party who says “I saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” Does she wear a cape? Were the dogs being held at gunpoint? Why is she counting? How selfless is that? Does she take a sharpie to her wall and put a line up every time she saves a dog? Is Superman taking six months off to get a bunch of Instagram followers?
It just says “Alex D, Sloth” which I guess is her “jokey” job title. This is a personal pet peeve of mine–hot people taking the things ugly people would be insulted to be called (because it’s true) and then calling themselves that thing to show they “get it.” Alex, you’re not a sloth. You get to the gym a minimum of three times a week. You’re going on a show that’s basically a Miss America for shorter women who might enter a fantasy suite on national TV that has a “We F*ckin’” sign written above the door. Gain 50 pounds and we’ll talk nicknames.
Angelique’s favorite TV show is How To Get Away With Murder, and her favorite actress is Viola Davis. I honestly couldn’t envision an actress/show combo that is less compatible with Colton, a white football player from Colorado. I imagine Angelique being like, “I’m loving How To Get Away With Murder,” and Colton being like, “Dave Matthews Band?” And Angelique being like, “What?” And Colton being like, “My best friend is a fan of Black-ish.” Then they’d sit on a couch in silence until another contestant asks if she can “steal him for a second.”
Annie is going to do well on this show, because she really has nothing to lose. She’s 23 and a “party starter” who went to Alabama. She also comes from money. How do I know? Well, during these divided times people have worked little descriptors into their lingo to try and tell people they’re not rich when they actually are rich. Annie’s bio says she “grew up on a farm” which is a classic evasive-rich-parent-speak maneuver. The bio goes on to tell us that she rode horses in national competitions and she’s from Wisconsin and she works in NYC. So, you grew up on a farm? Aww shucks! There’s no way Mammi and Pappi could afford to send you around the country ridin horses AND send you to school out of state AND help with co-signing for that one bedroom NYC apartment. Who will get the water from the well?! This girl is good and rich and will have not a care in the world during her six-month vacation. She’ll stick around.
Bri is a 24 year old model from LA. Her bio literally says “Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly.” The best part of that statement is the word “Too.” Like, it’s not the farting that worries Bri, it’s the possibility that one of the farts she plans on pushing out during this date might be loud enough to be a distraction. This is one of the privileges of being hot. I’m not even phased. Bri could get up during our date, put her ass right above our burrata appetizer, fart loudly onto it, then say “Just thought we needed some more cheese.” And I’d be like, “HAHA you’re so cheesy!” And then I’d pay for the dinner. Bri, this bio made someone with a fetish climax in their pants. Good work.
I’m going to let you read the beginning of Caelynn’s bio, and then you can guess the ending:
“Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen.”
Now, what do you think comes next? She fights grizzly bears? She just lost 550 pounds on My 600-lb Life? She eats? Nope. She once flew to Japan for a first date. Ummm that’s EXACTLY something I’d expect from a typical beauty queen. You mean a beautiful woman got a ridiculous amount of money spent on her so a creepy guy in Japan can maybe masturbate on her feet?!? I never would’ve imagined.
Caitlin is a 25-year-old realtor from Toronto. Canadians do well on this show. I think it’s because, for whatever reason, their connection between sex and relationships is different than American women. They all seem like they’d knock you on the shoulder with their fist and say “How bout a blowjob?! Eh?!,” then slap shot a hockey puck into a garbage can lying on the ground. One could say that Bachelor contestants are Canada’s greatest export to the United States, and I make that statement as a blowjob enthusiast.
Cassie is a 23-year-old speech pathologist. Speech pathologist is a job I didn’t even know existed until I graduated college. Then all of a sudden, every hot girl had a story about an uncle with a lisp who showed them the meaning of Christmas. Then you ask a few questions and you find out it’s one of those masters degrees that takes two years and they all get to work at a school and get summers off. It’s an underrated awesome job. “I’m a speech pathologist” seems like a “Whoaa who is this scientist?!” kind of job, when it’s really like “Who is this person that repeats words with a kid for an hour?!”
Catherine has the look of this year’s “hot villain who we will all follow on Instagram until the day we die.” Then you read her bio and you realize that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Catherine is a “successful commercial real estate agent” and “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ” who refers to her dog as her “daughter.” Catherine’s favorite author is Dr. Seuss, she’s a pescatarian, and claims she has no tattoos because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” I don’t think there’s ever been a more hate-worthy bio in Bachelor history. Her bio could’ve been, “My ideal man is part Adolf Hitler, part Osama Bin Laden” and I would’ve been like, “At least she isn’t an up-and-coming DJ who thinks fur is murder but can’t help having some sushi!”
Courtney is a 23-year-old caterer who “turned her passion for cooking into a successful catering business.” I love how everyone going on The Bachelor is a “successful” something. What 23-year-old is successful at anything? A 23-year-old saying their job is as real as a five-year-old saying they’re going to be a fireman. There’s never a bio that says, “Courtney is a 23-year-old who sits at her computer all day blankly staring while wondering what the hell she’s doing with her life and if every decision she’s ever made was a mistake. That’s probably what brought her on this show!” Where’s that bio? Where are my mediocre Bachelor contestants?!
Some bios are almost trying so hard to be liked by men to the point that I hate them. Demi’s is that bio: “Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift.” Is this a a Brad Paisley song or Demi’s bio?! It’s almost like a porno written by a Ford F-150 owner. What was the next line? “And every Sunday I practice blowjobs on bananas before making it into chocolate chip banana bread. If only some strong man was there to eat it with me while watching wrestling!”
Devin is a 23-year-old broadcast journalist who says her greatest achievement is getting her Master’s degree at age 23…from Arizona State. Ok, I don’t think you came here to read about the college bubble in America but we can agree this is that bubble popping. To me, a Master’s from Arizona State is like graduating the sandwich school at Arby’s, except the piece of paper from Arby’s will get you paid.
Elyse is a 31-year-old makeup artist from Alaska who now lives in Scottsdale. I can’t imagine being a woman in my 30s on The Bachelor. You had your friends telling you to go on since you were 26 as a half joke. Then around 29 you’re like “It’s not the worst idea.” Then after the fifth wedding of the summer you’re like “f*ck it,” and you fill out the application while three glasses of wine deep. Now you’re 31 and you’re living in a house full of 23-year-olds eating and drinking whatever they want while never gaining weight. They complain about being the “old single one” in their group at home and when they realize you’re listening they say, “no but you look amazing!” It’s got to be hell. Good luck Elyse. I’m cheering for you.
Erika is known to her group of friends as “The Nut” because she “is a ball of energy” with “a great sense of humor.” I hate Erika’s friends for her. The nut?! Really?! You got a friend who is so single that she’s going on The Bachelor and you’re going out to bars calling your “friend” the same things guys call their semen and being like, “Ya that’s THE NUT!! She’s hilarious.” That’s who guys want to date. The girl that other girls call a “nut.” We’re all looking for a woman so crazy other women think she’s crazy. Can’t wait to see what that period is like!! Fix me up with The Load! I mean…The Nut!!
Sometimes they don’t explain things in these bios and then it’s all I can think about. Erin’s bio literally says, “Erin, 28, Cinderella, Plano TX.” Cinderella? How’d that happen? The rest of the bio says she works for her stepmom’s home improvement business. No mention of Cinderella or love of Disney or the character. I guess she works for her stepmom. Is she calling her evil? Did the producers ask what she did for work and she was like “Cinderella!” Then they fake laughed and they were like, “No really!” And she was like “I work for my stepmom’s home improvement company but keep Cinderella! You guys said that was funny!” And they were like “Umm ok.”
Hannah B was born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and then attended the University of Alabama. Her parents went to Alabama and she’s the 2018 Miss Alabama. I can promise you a few things about Hannah B:
- She will say “roll tide” more than three times on the opening episode.
- She will have a montage on the opening episode where we go home and see her parents and it’s going to be a life that is unrecognizable to any of us normals. There will be a dog, and pictures of her beauty pageants, and a mom who’s gorgeous and not wearing leggings, and a dad who kinda smirks like he’s happy with himself for making a hot daughter.
- She came on this show to get a following.
- She frequently puts the word “the” in front of any minority or religion. The gays. The blacks. You get the point.
Hannah G. is a “Content Creator” with the following sentence in her bio: “She’s both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business.” If people are going to make money off of social media, can we at least be a little more honest? Burgeoning social media business?! How about “Hannah G. has a following that’s mostly men who frequently DM her something about the hardness of their penis but that’s a little weird to say to her parents so let’s just say Hannah G. is very lucky and frequents the gym.”
Heather’s bio revolves around the fact that she’s 22 and she’s never been kissed. I gotta be honest, I don’t really feel bad for her about that. Never been kissed?! What’s she missing out on? Meeting someone on a dating app, making out on a first date, thinking this guy could be the one, going on a second date, having them mention family and friends and how they’ve “never connected like this,” go back and have sex, then date for three months when all of a sudden they show up saying they’re “not ready for commitment” on a night you shaved and thought you were going for Italian with a parent meeting on the horizon!?! There’s a lot of girls who are nodding while wishing kissing was their issue.
I guess she’s Jane? I don’t know. Jane seems nice. The bio is actually the most normal of the bunch, other than the fact that she’s going on a TV show to get married. There’s one line that gets me: “She would choose her checkered sneakers over heels or stilettos any day!” Women have this thing where a whole attitude can be based on shoes. As if we’d read that line about sneakers and be like, “Oh I’d be friends with her.” You see it at weddings all the time. The bride will reveal sneakers under her dress and all the women will be pointing at it as if a puppy just nursed a kitten back to health. Even places are described by shoes. If you’ve ever been to Fire Island in New York, you know that every woman describes the place based on one fact: “You can wear flats to the bar.” As if that’s all you’d need to hear about the place. They should rename the island “Flats at the bar” so we don’t have to keep having this conversation. I don’t know. You probably all love Jane now. I do too. She gets it.
Katie is a 26-year-old medical sales representative who used to dance at LSU, and who now lives in LA. Well, she says Sherman Oaks but that’s basically LA. It’s always weird when someone hot moves to LA to do something that isn’t in entertainment. Like, why? Why do that to yourself? The beach? Go to San Diego and sell MRI machines. Katie annoys me. You know she moved there to get famous, but she gets to run around LA acting better than some idiot who moved there to act because she’s “in medical sales” and “lives in Sherman Oaks!” No Katie, you live in LA and you self-taped an audition to go on a show where you could hypothetically pick up over 100k Instagram followers and never work again.
Kirpa is a dental hygienist who works at her dad’s dentistry business. Can you imagine Kirpa’s dad right now? He comes to this country (I’m assuming she’s an immigrant considering she’s not “Kirpa G”) and becomes a dentist with his own practice. He has this beautiful daughter. He sends her to school. She works at his business. He thinks, “One day, I’ll hand this all to Kirpa and she’ll be an independent working woman who can marry a great guy and have beautiful grandchildren. My wife, Birpa and I, will glow as we watch her blossom and reap the benefits of our hard work!” Then one day over the summer this interaction happens:
Kirpa: THE PRODUCERS JUST CALLED!! I’M GONNA BE ON THE BACHELOR!!!”
Kirpa’s Dad: What’s The Bachelor!?
Kirpa: It’s a show where 30 women try to marry one guy! He’s a virgin who played football for fifteen minutes! He likes dogs!!
Kirpa’s Dad: *Boards plane back to home country.*
Laura’s hot and will stick around. I can just tell. She doesn’t have blonde hair so she looks different enough that we won’t confuse her with all the Hannahs on this season. She’s also an accountant, which shows you how hot she must be in person. Some guy was like, “Sure Laura, I’ll take over your accounting work while you go on TV and date someone else during the lead up to our busiest time of year! Good luck!! I’ll be here masturbating to your Instagram!”
Nicole is 25, and she lives at home with her brother, mom, grandma, two dogs, a cat, and a cockatoo named Popeye. She will not win, but I hope she makes it to the hometown visits so we can see Colton’s reaction to the whole family (including the bird) in one bed like the Willy Wonka grandparents. This is kind of one of those “hot privileges.” If Nicole were a guy or not gorgeous we’d all be like, “Oh this loser is living at home and now she’s trying to be famous.” But instead everyone is like, “What’s Nicole’s Instagram!?”
Nina has watched The Bachelor “for years” with her mom and grandma, and you can tell by what she had them put in her bio: “Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs.” This is how you stay on any reality show. Ever notice how everyone on Chopped escaped a fire to make their momma’s frittata? I’m not saying Nina didn’t flee a war-torn country. But I am saying this sentence makes it sound like she was hopscotching a minefield on her way to the United States. This will get her an opening episode interview from her mom’s house, and she’ll tell Colton all about this with an American accent then magically have a Croatian accent while saying the word, “Croatia.”
Onyeka is a 24 year old IT consultant whose parents have been married for 35 years, after only knowing one another for two weeks. I CAN’T stand people whose parents got married after knowing each other for a blink of an eye. It’s all they talk about as if it’s a real option for everyone. They’re always the first to bemoan the current state of dating and how much better it was for their parents. Your dad stayed with your mom because there were three girls in the neighborhood and she was the one without the lazy eye. This wasn’t romantic, this was a numbers game and it always will be a numbers game. More options, more difficulty. Sorry dating is different and your dad never got the chance to have some random girl lick his butt because she’d never see him again and they were both curious.
Revian once flew across the country to meet a guy she met on the internet. That’s way crazier than going on The Bachelor. At least she has something to gain on this show. A following, some friends, an alcohol problem. But meeting a guy on an app because he was in your town for a business trip then continuing to text because “we get along so well over text” gets her nothing. What happens? What’s to gain? She shows up in New York where he gets a hotel so the girl he was “kind of seeing” won’t find out. Then they act like a couple for two days until she leaves after only cumming one and a half times and then he texts less and less until he disappears like a fart in the wind. That feels MUCH less fulfilling.
Sydney is a 27 year old NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. The “never had a boyfriend” girls are a TOUGH hang. I actually think never having a boyfriend in the hookup and dating world of today is totally normal. But DO NOT tell that to the “never had a boyfriend” girl. She’s going to bring this up at every turn. Want to go out on New Year’s Eve?! “Well, sure but who would I even kiss? I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Want to go get drinks?! “I’d drink, but how will I even sip a martini!? A boyfriend never taught me!!” Hi, my name is Jared! “I’VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!”
Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” I love that. I think everyone who does spring break in Acapulco, dates a guy they met on Tinder who lives more than an hour away, eats Chipotle before a jog, and becomes a contestant on The Bachelor should have to get the “I love bad ideas” tattoo.
Tayshia is a phlebotomist, which I guess is someone who draws blood for a living. She also goes on missions and volunteers at her church. Sometimes you get a good vibe from someone’s bio and you want to scream, “NO!! TAYSHIA!!! DON’T DO IT!” And then you remember you drank seven martinis last night and we all have to learn from our own mistakes.
Tracy’s bio claims that “If she could be anyone else for a day, she’d be Beyoncé.” That’s how you know Tracy is going to be a villain in the house. People who aspire to be Beyoncé are the people who want enough money to never give a damn about what anyone else thinks of them. If Tracy gets a big following from the show, then you should expect her to write a book called Screaming Yass Queen While Not Giving A F*ck, and to have a personal assistant whose only responsibility is working a wind machine.
Follow along with all of Jared’s Bachelor thoughts this season on Twitter and Instagram!
Images: ABC (32)
As Samuel L. Jackson told us in the OG Jurassic Park, “hold on to your butts.” Xfinity Reality Week is coming.
WTF is Reality Week? It’s a celebration of all things fights, frenemies, and totally real and not scripted television that we all love to hate.
To celebrate, we’re flying down to Miami, where Xfinity is flipping a grotsky little bitch sports bar HGTV style and glamming it up as the Xfinity Reality Bar. This rad reality hotspot will be open to the public (so book your ticket now) as of January 6, 2019. Then, when the stars align and Mars is out of retrograde, we’ll get our bodies ready for the premiere of The Bachelor and what promises to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER with virgins, veiled football/sex analogies, and island love.
So what does this all mean for you, the average, sweatpants-wearing, wine-drinking home-body betch? It means you can watch us party it up and indulge in all things reality TV without even leaving your couch. If you (sadly) can’t fly to Miami and party with us, just say “Show me Reality Week” into your Xfinity X1 Voice Remote and access exclusive content including interviews, games, and viewing parties with your fav (and least fav) reality stars. We can’t think of a better way to spend these cold, miserable winter days than curled up with your reality TV addiction.
For all the details on the Xfinity Reality Bar, click here.
Images: Shutterstock; Xfinity