Being dead inside is an art. And sure, you’ve been perfecting it basically since the day you were born. I mean, who doesn’t remember the first time they put on an all black ensemble and thought, “Yes. This is me now.” But what should you do on the rare occasion when you want to express emotion? Like, one minute you’re going through your day, giving zero fucks and being devoid of all feelings, and then suddenly your friend tags you in a meme that makes you feel…dare I say…alive? For the rare moments that make your grinch heart grow three sizes, here are the emojis you should use to convey your momentary experience of human emotion.
Laughing/Crying Face
Use this emoji when you want to convey a level of laughter beyond “haha” and “lol.” Like, sure, you could just say “crying,” but will your friend really get the visual without tears streaming out of the eyes of your cartoon avatar? Save this one for when your run across a fire meme, or when a friend hits you with some amazing gossip that actually made you almost display emotion on your face while you were reading it. Not that you would ever actually do such a thing. WARNING: Some people overdo this emoji and end up looking like a psycho. Keep it to 1-3 of these little guys in a row to avoid seeming like the type of person who thinks everything is funny, and not the modern-day Wednesday Addams that you are.
Heart Eye Face
Every once in a while, someone will send you something that actually makes your cold, black heart start to beat again. 9/10 this will be a photo of a dog, preferably wearing some kind of an outfit. In these instances, the heart eye emoji is not only appropriate, but necessary. How else will your fuckboy know that the gif he sent you of a Corgi doing pilates worked and he has permission to ask you to come over later?
Screaming Face
One of the dangers of using the internet is that you will often encounter something so horrifying that even you, a woman who watches 10 dark AF Netflix documentaries a day and feels nothing, will be moved to say “omg.” In these instances, the screaming emoji is 100% appropriate. Remember though, only use this for really horrifying stuff, like that photo that’s been going around of a colon full of 3 years worth of poop, or literally anything Trump does.
Smiling Devil Baby
Every once in a while —and I mean once in a while—you’ll find yourself in a very particular mood and actually want to spend time with people, usually with the aid of copious amounts of alcohol. Usually this will happen on a random summer night when your allergies aren’t keeping you indoors, or a day where you wake up with great skin and want everyone in the world to know. It’s one of those days where you wake up win the morning and immediately think, “I’m gonna get fucked up tonight.” In order to properly convey this mood in your group chat, send a little smiling devil emoji with a “Who’s going out tonight?” attached. Your friends will immediately know that tonight will be one for the history books and start faking a cough in front of their boss so they can call out sick tomorrow.
Clapping Hands
Let’s face it, even you can get heated sometimes. Like when when you thought Bachelor in Paradise wasn’t happening, or some old man in the Senate is trying to make your birth control mad expensive. Sure, you could use a series of all caps tweets to convey that you are, in fact, yelling, but what if you want people to know that you are both yelling and clapping? If you’re actually being moved to emotion, you know that you’re choosing your words carefully. So why not emphasize them by placing a clapping hand after every.single.word?
Praying Hands
You spend most of your life in a daze of not giving a fuck, rolling your eyes, and feeling vaguely sleepy. Chill. But what happens when you like, actually want something to happen? Like for the custom swimsuit you ordered to arrive in time for your Hamptons trip, or for there to be food at the party you’re going to later? In these cases, it’s time to invoke the help of the Lord by using the prayer hands emoji. It’s literally the same as actually praying. I think. I honestly haven’t been to church in years.
The average betch receives at least half a dozen requests for nudes each week—unless she’s on Tinder, in which case the limit does not exist. The vast majority of the time, these requests go unanswered, but every once in a while, someone will live up to the right standards and we’ll deign to bless them with a nude. Whether that person is a hot rando or your long-time SO*, the last thing you want to do is embarrass yourself with a poor-quality nude. I mean, your body is a gift to man- and womankind, but that doesn’t mean you know how to take a good photo of it. You don’t want to spend all that time in spin class only to wind up looking like an undercooked sausage in the pic you’re using to seduce someone. But that’s where I come in. Here are 7 tips for taking a successful nude—you can thank me after you get laid.
*Btw, don’t let some fuckboy pressure you into sending nudes if you’re not into it. That’s what his imagination and/or internet connection is for. This is only for the rarest of occasions in which you are having a good boob/butt day and are also feeling extremely generous AND a male has proved himself extremely worthy.
1. Pay Attention To The Lighting
Ever noticed how you’ll look fabulously tanned and muscular in photos taken in your bedroom but sallow and dead-eyed in your kitchen? That would be the differences in lighting—it might seem like no biggie, but bad lighting is the number one cause of selfie deaths. If there’s a spot in your room where you always take flawless Instas, take your inaugural nude selfie there, and if you have a bunch of windows, daylight is also your new BFF. However, we recommend keeping your curtains drawn so you don’t get any new secret admirers. Most importantly, stay the hell away from florescent lamps.
2. Angles Are Everything
You’ve definitely figured this out from selfies by now, but angles are super important when it comes to nudes, too. Luckily, they basically follow the same rules as regular selfies. Aim from above or head-on, and only take a photo from below if you want the recipient to be distracted counting your chins. (Maybe you do. I don’t know the details of your sex life, nor do I care to.) Also, protip: Unlike what everyone tells you about aging, when it comes to nudes, gravity can be your friend. I have tricked many a fuckboy into thinking my tits are big and not three finger-widths apart simply by leaning over and angling the camera downward. I’m a magician, I know. And while we’re on the importance of angles, if you’ve learned anything from the numerous celebrity photo hacks it’s NOT TO PUT YOUR FACE IN YOUR FUCKING NUDES. I don’t care if I do have a one-in-a-kind birthmark the shape of Texas on my left boob, if those shits get leaked, you can best believe I’m gonna deny it to the grave.
3. Don’t Stick To The Definition Of “Nude”
Nudes involve nudity by definition, but don’t feel like you have to be totally naked from the get-go. This is especially true if you’re surprising someone with a pic—as anyone who’s gotten a dick pic before (aka everyone) knows, it can be a little alarming to be confronted with a straight-up naked human. Try taking a pic with some cute underwear or wearing nothing but a sheet, or crop out ~relevant~ bits of your body. It’s practically artsy at that point, but not in the regular annoying way.
4. Use Your Reflection
There’s a reason Kim K has posted approximately a bajillion barely-clothed selfies of her reflection: it lets you show off your whole body without having to contort into too many weird positions. Use a full-length mirror if you have one (in a place where you won’t traumatize your roommates, obvs) or head to the bathroom. The other bonus is it’s easy to use your phone to block out your face in the picture—no, I will not quit harping on this point. I don’t care if he’s your boyfriend, husband, or you made him sign an NDA—you cannot trust anyone in this day and age.
When you’re like I have nothing to wear LOL pic.twitter.com/UlSLZb1fp1
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) March 7, 2016
5. Clean Your Fucking Room
Wherever you’re staging your mini-photoshoot, take 30 seconds to clean it up, or at least move the shit to the other side of your room. Nothing kills the mood like the sight of your middle school retainer and a pile of dirty towels in the corner. I don’t care how hot you are—if your bedroom looks like it could have been featured on Hoarding: Buried Alive, no guy will be able to look past that. Just ask Ross Geller.
6. Get Your Top Model On
All that time you spent in middle school watching America’s Next Top Model marathons is finally paying off—it’s time to contort like you’ve never contorted before. Flex your abs! Pout your lips! Smize!!!!! If you’re just starting out, there’s literally nothing wrong with checking out the Instagrams of D-list celebs who post a lot of skin (read: Ariel Winter, Kardashian-wannabe extraordinaire) for posing inspiration. Or shoot for the stars and let the Queen of Selfies, Kim K, be your guide—eventually, you’ll figure out what makes you look/feel the sexiest. Unfortunately, that’s usually what makes you the most physically uncomfortable, but whatevs. If it’s in the pursuit of sexting, it’s worth it.
7. If You Must Save, Save It Somewhere Private
When I’m old and saggy, I fully intend to have a photo album, possibly on display, of all the sexy selfies I took when I was young and hot and could do pushups without my joints clicking. Save your faves to make yourself feel better when your metabolism goes to shit. Just be sure to do it somewhere super private—people are assholes, and people with internet connections and no concept of a conscience are even bigger assholes. Signal is some app this guy I’m fucking who works in tech told me about that’s apparently double-encrypted. IDK what that means exactly but it sounds super secure so like, maybe try that?
8. Show The Bottom Half Of Your Face AT MOST
If the whole Russian hacking thing has you wondering about the security of your selfies, try protecting your identity with some good old fashioned facial obstruction. Your SO already sees a million photos of your face daily via Snapchat, so your eyes will probably not be missed. The mouth is the sexiest part of the face anyway, so framing your nudes from the mouth down makes total sense. Plus, when you’re running for president and Putin leaks your photostream you can be like, “I mean I guess that could be my jawline but like…who’s to say?”
9. Wear His Clothes
As discussed in #3, your nudes don’t have to be strictly nude. Guys have a weird thing for seeing girls in their clothes. It’s like, you’re inside them for a change. Anyone who’s ever been Tom Cruise in Risky Business for Halloween/every mixer understands this rule. So a sexy photo with you in his jersey and nothing else could actually end up being a thousand times more boner-inducing than any shot that actually includes your boobs. Plus his giant shirt will make you look skinny, which is always a plus.
10. Make It A Boomerang
Take your nudes into the 21st century by making them into a boomerang. It’ll set your nudes apart from all the others your SO has received, plus the extra motion gives you the option to try multiple poses and angles. Just make sure you don’t accidentally post to Insta.
If you follow the steps above, you’re on your way to taking a decent nude selfie, although obviously some article on the internet isn’t going to turn you into Gigi Hadid. Anyway, good luck, godspeed, etc. etc.
