Like eating dessert when it’s about to be bikini season or taking tequila shots on a Sunday afternoon, we all do things we shouldn’t from time to time. Texting a fuckboy is no different. Maybe you just want a little attention, maybe you’re blackout drunk, maybe you have no self-control and you hate yourself—whatever the reason, you’re struck with the urge to text. Only your friends, conscience, and the universe in general are telling you DON’T FUCKING DO IT. So what’s a betch to do (besides text)? You can only pretend to scroll through so many Instagram memes while waiting to see if he’ll text you first. Below are 10 better suggestions for wasting your time that don’t cost you any dignity.
Welcome to your tape. JK, but only if you succeed in not texting this douche. We don’t even really need to say this, but binge watching TV is obviously the best distraction. After all, you’ve only seen every episode of Gossip Girl twice, and we can’t just like forget about Serena and Blair and all the TV fuckboys they dealt with. Also, keep in mind that Netflix & Chill is a separate distraction, but it’s just as effective so long as it’s with a different SAB than the one you’re currently trying to avoid.
The one guy you want to give you attention has all but forgotten you exist (go figure), but you also have a fat stack of potential matches that are just sitting there gathering dust. This is the ideal time to spend hours swiping right and left (mostly left, because you’re a god damn princess) and fucking with guys who are way too into themselves to get the joke. If you really need a distraction, you can even match with the guys holding dead animals in their pictures—the conversation is sure to be interesting.
3. Watch Makeup Tutorials
You’ve always felt like you could be really good at contouring, but you just haven’t put in the time. Break out that contouring kit that you ordered from Amazon Prime when you were drunk and start watching some YouTube tutorials instead of sending a dreaded “WYD?” text. In no time you’ll look like the world’s prettiest drag queen when you roll up to happy hour, and everyone will either love it or wonder what the fuck is wrong with you. Who cares, at least you have your pride!
Your mom is always telling you that you should try cooking more, so why not take this time to find out if you have what it takes to be the next Ina Garten. Choose recipes with minimal effort but fancy ingredients so you can still impress people without doing much work. That’s the best way to live life in general, and who will ever know that you didn’t make your own balsamic vinaigrette?
5. Shop Online
When it’s the middle of the night and you’re deep in your feelings, that’s prime online shopping time. It’s time to get out your wallet and make some regrettable choices—but the difference is these are the types of decisions you can return. Blessed. Subscribe to some magazines! Rack up a giant Asos cart or just scroll down Amazon, because anything you buy as retail therapy can be written off your taxes. Not really, I wish, but it can be written off your guilty conscience, right?
6. Unfriend People on Facebook
It’s like spring cleaning, except pettier. We all have a few dozen (hundred) Facebook friends that we haven’t spoken to in at least seven years, and unless they’re interesting trainwrecks it’s time for them to go. Scroll through your friend list and you’ll be amazed at the stalking rabbit holes you fall down. It’s truly the best way to waste time.
7. Hiking (Or Anything Outdoorsy)
We’re not exactly experts on nature, but going on a hike is a solid mental health break, and you’re also guaranteed to get a fun Instagram out of it that may or may not even make your dude jealous. There’s the dumb (but in this case, potentially appropriate) trend of taking a topless picture on the top of a mountain, or you can just do a Boomerang with your clothes on if you’re feeling less adventurous/thirsty. Just like, don’t get murdered in the woods if you do decide to strip
Remember back in like fifth grade when every girl went through a very brief knitting phase? You might need to Google some sad blogs to know what the fuck you’re doing, but there’s literally no better time to learn to knit than when you’re teetering on the edge of a fuckboy-induced mental breakdown. (Previous statement not evaluated by a mental health professional.) Maybe you could even knit yourself a body pillow or some shit so you won’t be so lonely.
9. Clean Your Room
How can you even think about having a dude over when your floor is all covered in clothes that are not clean enough for the closet, but not yet dirty enough for the hamper? Give yourself a generous few hours to turn on some chill music and find your feng shui, or at least go through with a trash bag and get rid of all your random broken hair ties and old gum wrappers. It’s common knowledge that a clear space = a clear mind, so maybe once you’re done de-cluttering you’ll have found the room in your brain to rethink why you’re so interested in guy who ghosted you on your birthday.
10. Working Out
Nothing is a better motivator to get your body together than revenge. Khloé Kardashian has like, a whole show about it. Take the anger that you have been building up every minute that goes by where he does not respond, and channel it into the elliptical. Besides, as we know, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t double-text fuckboys. They just don’t.