Fans of Gossip Girl and/or The Bling Ring, you are in luck. Over the past few months, the story of the first big “scammin’ for the ‘Gram” con artist has come out, and it is wild. I’m already excited for the movie. Here’s the story. On the surface, Anna Delvey (born Sorokin, age 27) is basically everyone you follow on Instagram. She was rich, she always dressed in designer clothes, and she frequented restaurants whose entrées cost more than your rent. She also happened to be a massive fucking fraud (allegedly), and is currently in jail on charges of alleged grand larceny and theft of services. So, how did this complete rando casually adopt the lifestyle of a Kardashian? (No, this is not a how-to guide. Note the part where she’s in jail.) Let’s take a look. The Cut did an amazing job reporting on it, and you should definitely read the complete story, but if you don’t have time to read it all right now but don’t want to sound stupid at happy hour when literally everyone is talking about it, here’s our shorter breakdown for you to read first.

What Did Anna Delvey Do?

What’s sad/brilliant is how fucking easy it all sounds. Anna shows up with her “ambiguously accented” English, giant Céline sunnies, and a seemingly endless supply of cash. Naturally, people fall all over themselves to befriend this assumed trust fund baby. They spend a few months enjoying extravagant gifts, dinners, and weekend getaways—until Anna’s credit card “stops working,” and someone needs to cover the bill.

In total, Anna allegedly scammed an estimated $275,000, including at least $50,000 in unpaid NYC hotel fees alone. Am I appalled for the individuals Delvey ripped off? Absolutely. Am I the tiniest bit impressed at her innate gift for spending money like a billionaire? Um, yeah. The list of Delvey’s purchases—not including the thousands on airfare, hotels, and decadent vacations—covers a $3,500 private jet rental, multiple Tesla rentals, $4,500 personal training sessions, Gucci sandals, Alexander Wang leggings, Supreme hoodies, $800 highlights, $400 eyelash extensions, cryotherapy, multiple iPhones, and a case of 1975 Dom Perignon. Wait, is this my Pinterest page or someone’s rap sheet? V confusing.

Actual footage of Delvey walking through her hotel lobby:

So, Who TF Was This Girl?

As for the origin story of Anna Delvey, we know she grew up in Russia, went to school in Germany/London, and then got an internship in Paris at Purple magazine. As I assume happens to most people who intern at fashion magazines in Paris, this is where Anna took a turn into becoming a horrible person. The next few years of her life are hazy, but basically she emerges into New York’s social scene. By 2013, she was a Fashion Week regular, attended “all the best parties,” hosted celebrity dinners with random guests like Macaulay Culkin and Martin Shkreli, and was, as one acquaintance put it, part of “the 200 or so people you see everywhere.” Delvey was reportedly not, as you might expect, “superhot…or super-charming; she wasn’t even very nice.” All that mattered was that she was in the right places, wearing the right clothes, and appearing to spend the right amount of money.

Why Did No One Stop Her?

The big question, obviously, is how she kept the alleged scam up so long. At the rate she was burning money, the fact that she didn’t have the capital to back it up definitely should have come up sooner. And the reason it didn’t is definitely not because she had an airtight story or was particularly good at lying. To begin with, this girl was claiming to be a German heiress without really speaking German. As this Independent article points out (a little too gleefully IMO—we get it, Americans are dumb), “a quick quiz in German could have cleared it all up very speedily.” But honestly, no one who was around Delvey had any interest in finding out if her story was fake—people just wanted her to keep buying shit, trusting that the payment would eventually come through.

As for how she covered it when payment didn’t come through—which was often—Delvey allegedly claimed unsuccessful wire transfers from a (nonexistent) trust fund in Germany. She also reportedly fabricated a financial adviser named Peter W. Hennecke who corresponded on her behalf when she attempted to get a loan of $25 to $35 million from various banks. The phone number associated with Hennecke was found to be a burner from a supermarket, his email was an AOL account, and when people started asking questions, Delvey literally pretended Hennecke had died. I cannot make this up. Ultimately, her debts caught up to her, and she was arrested outside rehab facility Passages in Malibu. How very Lohan of her.

What’s She Doing Now?

As mentioned, Delvey is currently in jail, a turn of events she’s taken surprisingly well. “People seem to think it’s horrible,” Delvey says about literal prison, “but I see it as like, this sociological experiment.” Many quotes from Delvey’s time in jail give me pause, like when she marvels over her cellmates’ accounts of identity theft (“I didn’t realize it was so easy”), and the tidbit that “the murderers were the most interesting to her.”

Essentially, this girl is troubled—a fact equally on display in her still-existing Instagram account, which features terrible selfies interspersed with pictures of literally blank white space. Also, most of the comments on these pictures are from clearly fake accounts, with 5-10 posting the same comment verbatim within minutes. This is not the Instagram account of someone who is okay.

If there’s a lesson to learn here, it’s that owning designer athleisure and keeping a stack of $100 bills handy is a great way to convince people you have a trust fund. Seriously though, it’s an extreme example of how the Instagram existence we crave is more often than not an illusion, specifically designed to blind people with displays of money while obscuring the reality underneath. Maybe if we were less desperate to make our lives LOOK wealthy and fabulous, we wouldn’t be so eager to believe someone like Delvey, who displayed more than a few red flags. And maybe we could stop breeding criminals whose primary goal is to spend more money on bottle service and sweatpants from Supreme. Just a thought.

Images: Giphy (5)

We all know that the bros in charge of Silicon Valley are getting rich off stealing all our personal information and probably secretly listening to us talk in order to use our deepest desires and insecurities to sell us shit. What you might not know about are the tech disasters causing actual physical injuries that have been occurring with terrifying frequency lately. Elon Musk and co. aren’t satisfied with just stealing our identities to get rich, they’re also down to literally kill us to do it. Thus, we bring you a roundup of the most worrying examples so you can be fully aware of the bizarre new ways Silicon Valley is setting us up to die in the future. Happy Monday, I hope you brought Xanax to work today.

Self Driving Car Crash

In late March, a Tesla Model X SUV driver was using the car’s Autopilot feature when the car crashed into a concrete highway divider and literally “burst into flames”. The autopilot system is not designed for true self-driving, but is meant to improve the ease and safety of driving while still requiring the human driver to pay attention. This month, in Tesla’s fourth car crash of the year, a Model S on autopilot hit a stopped firetruck. Meanwhile, Tesla CEO Elon Musk appears to be focused on using another Silicon Valley invention, Twitter, to flirt with pop stars. Clearly he has his priorities straight.

Bitcoin Burglary

As if there weren’t enough reasons to hate cryptocurrency, now bitcoin thieves are literally holding people at gunpoint for access to their virtual wallets. Bitcoin is seriously layers of fucked up, from the fact that bitcoin mining uses more fossil fuel energy annually than 19 European countries to the influx of Bitcion-rich bros attempting to basically colonize Hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico and replace it with a crypto utopia literally called Puertopia. As though people don’t, you know, live there. Oh, and the value of a cryptocurrency is truly based on bros sitting around using the pure psychic power of being a white dude to think so hard about how cool their Bitcoin is that the Dow literally decides to agree with them. Must be nice.

Anyway, if all of that doesn’t convince you to stick to normal credit cards or at least Venmo, now purchasing cryptocurrencies might literally get you killed. In Canada, a group of thieves tied up employees at a Bitcoin company and held them hostage at gunpoint in an attempt to extort them for cryptocurrency. In December, bitcoin burglars kidnapped a Ukrainian bitcoin executive and in January another group of armed robbers staged a home break-in and forced a cryptocurrency trader to transfer them his Bitcoin, also at gunpoint. Basically, if your Hinge date this week is a Bitcoin bro, he probably has a shitty personality and he also might get you robbed at gunpoint. Swipe left.

Vaping Explosion

As someone who is not ashamed to charge my vape at a pregame and whose limited edition rose gold Juul might be my prized possession, this one is honestly hard for me to write. Unfortunately, last week a Florida man’s e-cigarette literally killed him after it exploded, leaving him with burns and a fatal head wound. I’m not sure if it’s more embarrassing to die in a hover board or vape explosion, but maybe we should all just stick to legal weed at this point.

Solar Panel Burns

Trying to choose my last fave tech bro is honestly harder than ranking the Trump children on a scale of horribleness. Elon Musk is making a strong case for himself though, starting with his self-driving cars that kill people and coming in hot just this month as reports come out of extreme safety violations at Tesla solar energy plants. One employee was electrically shocked and burned after Tesla did not train workers properly or offer them protective gear to wear while installing solar panels. Basically, even renewable energy that might save us from total climate disaster could also kill us. Great.

Literally Just Stress

To conclude this incredibly depressing listicle (sorry), your future job at a tech startup might have beer and nitro cold brew on tap, but the debilitating stress of your work might drive you to develop high blood pressure, heart problems, and a variety of mental health issues. Silicon Valley has been dealing with some bad PR lately for a few minor things like selling our personal data to the Trump campaign and the aforementioned exploding devices, but the companies have also been receiving flak for stigmatizing mental illness and working their employees to the point of mental exhaustion and depression, with some even committing suicide. Amazon in particular experienced some well-deserved public shaming after a New York Times investigation revealed insane expectations of 24/7 availability and a culture of colleagues sabotaging each other that literally led to people publicly crying at their desks. Cool, sounds like Amazon is a more toxic social environment than my middle school.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Anyone who says they haven’t at least thought about what it would be like to marry rich is a fucking liar. Many of us probably spend time imagining the fabulous life you could lead if only you had a romantic meet-cute with Zac Efron (while hiking with your dog in the Los Angeles hills and your pooch runs away straight into his arms… or something. Haven’t put much thought into it). But a life of glamorous riches with a celebrity comes with the price of fame and red carpets and having to work out all the time. So I think it’s time we replace that celebrity fantasy with a successful tech entrepreneur fantasy—because if you want a partner that can support you financially while you pursue your dream job of pop culture blogging/Netflix bingeing, it’d be way cooler if they were also intelligent, inventive, and successful af.

Unfortunately our favorite tech boy feminist and Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian, is no longer on the market (one more reason to love Serena Williams), but there are plenty of other viable-ish options out there, and they’re probably online dating (because tech). So get your asses out to Silicon Valley, consider the advantages (besides $$$) and disadvantages of dating a tech founder, and start compiling a list of DM’s to slide into.

Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX

Elon doesn’t really fly under the radar like our other contenders, and you probably won’t find him on Hinge (unfortunately). But he recently split from Amber Heard, so he is definitely emotionally unavailable on the market. He runs Tesla, SpaceX and The Boring Company—which is digging holes in L.A. to get rid of traffic, so he’s a total do-gooder and world saver. He’s worth about $19 billion, has been divorced three times (twice from the same woman), and only has six children for you to help raise. 

Advantages: All the Teslas in the world, and a good chance he would take you to Mars.

Disadvantages: He runs like, a million companies and has like, a million children, so there probably isn’t much time for cuddles. 

Jack Dorsey: Twitter

Jack is the CEO and co-founder of Twitter and the CEO and founder of Square (Venmo’s less successful stepsister). He’s 41 years old and worth around $3 billion. He has tattoos and stuff so he was probably an emo kid in high school, and I once saw him speak at a Square holiday party—he’s SUPER into himself. Maybe you’ll be into him too.

Advantages: Maybe you could get him to disable Trump’s Twitter account, for good.

Disadvantages: Twitter has gone through a few rounds of layoffs recently, and his companies don’t appear to have any way of ever making money. 

John Zimmer: Lyft

As the co-founder and president of Lyft (a company worth $11 billion), John could definitely provide for an intellectually challenging and financially supportive lifestyle. Plus Uber is the worst, which makes Lyft (its top competitor) the best, right? John is 33 years old, a self-proclaimed nice guy (hopefully not too nice because nobody wants that), and your mom will totally love him. 

Advantages: Free rides for life.

Disadvantages: Potential pink mustache fetish. 

Drew Houston: Dropbox

Drew is the founder and CEO of Dropbox, that file storing and sharing software that somehow still hasn’t figured out how to make file storing and sharing all that easy. He’s worth an estimated $1 billion and sorta looks like a chubbier version of Elon Musk—no, just me? He loves talking about being a founder and he could probably be a boyfriend/life coach hybrid if you are into that sort of thing. 

Advantages: Unlimited storage for your food pics.

Disadvantages: You would have to figure out how Dropbox works.

Images: Wikimedia (5)