Unless you’re like, a Stepford Wife in training, the odds that you’ve promised to bring “like, really cute cocktails that will get us so drunk” to a dinner, pregame, or pool party, and then totally dropped the ball are pretty high. If you are a Stepford Wife-in-training, I’m going to need you to stop taking Snapchats of the mildly interesting meals you cook for dinner and captioning them “wife me.” If you’re like the rest of us, read on.
Nearly every single time I’ve ever promised to bring a cool drink to a get-together, I’ve spent an hour at work scrolling through Pinterest, saving ambitious cocktails, and forgetting about them when I realize that someone’s probably watching me. Then, the event rolls around, and I’m already like, 20 minutes late, and have no interesting ingredients. I have found myself at so many bodegas, convenience stores, and even gas stations, desperately typing in the depressing selection of ingredients I saw in front of me into the Pinterest app with the word “cocktail” behind them. So here are some of the tastiest summer cocktails you can make when you are somewhere that doesn’t even sell tampons with plastic applicators, let alone triple sec or peach schnapps. Oh, and, all of these recipes make enough to fill a pitcher. You’re welcome.
- 1 cup Malibu
- 2 cups pineapple Juice
- A full bottle of prosecco
Literally just pour a bottle of prosecco into a pitcher and add a bit of Malibu and pineapple juice. Feel free to play around with the proportions, but note that this basically tastes like a bubbly Capri Sun so you will end up texting someone you shouldn’t.
Get the full recipe here.
White Strawberry-Lemon Sangria
- 2 lemons
- 1 apple
- 1 cup of strawberries
- 1 bottle of white wine
- ½ cup of rum
- 4 cups of lemon-lime soda
Sangria is a solid option, because it’s such a vague kind of drink. I mean, what even is sangria? Just wine with a bunch of other sh*t poured into it? I think so. Anyway, this recipe is just a light suggestion. You can basically throw anything into a pitcher of wine and let it sit for like, four hours, and it’ll be decent. For the wine selection, I’d advise a dry white wine or even white zinfandel, because even liquor stores with the lamest selections will have a box of Franzia or a bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel. It’s just a fact of life.
Get the full recipe here.
- 1 ½ cups of silver tequila
- 4 ½ cups of grapefruit soda
- However many limes you feel like using as garnishes
Okay, so there are plenty of ways to make a Paloma, but if you’re just swinging by a corner store, you probably don’t have time to find all of the garnishes or actual grapefruit juice. This recipe will make a pitcher of Palomas. It calls for the juice from six limes, but like, if you’re swinging by a bodega last minute on a Friday night, your options may be limited. It’s totally fine if you just grab however many you feel like slicing and use them for garnishes instead.
Get the full recipe here.
White Wine Spritzer
- 1 bottle of white wine
- 12 oz of lemon flavored seltzer
- Sliced lemon or lime wedges
Wine spritzers are another really great cocktail to make when you’re totally unprepared because again, what even is a wine spritzer? They can truly be as half-assed or as extra as you’d like. Just dump a bottle of wine into a pitcher, and then throw in some seltzer and lemon or lime wedges. If you’re in the mood to blackout, you could even use a Spiked Seltzer.
Get the full recipe here.
- Coconut Water
- Pineapple Juice
Guess what? This recipe doesn’t tell you how much of anything to use because it’s not a real recipe. It’s basically a non-disgusting version of the Redneck Margarita from Queer Eye. I literally just once texted my dad from a gas station while I was on my way to visit friends because I had promised to bring stuff to make margaritas, and forgot to. (Save the judgment. This is who I am as a person. Back off.) He was like “IDK, just throw some coconut water, pineapple juice, and tequila into a shaker and pour it in a cup. And also, when’s the last time you got an oil change?”
Anyway, another gem I learned from this phone call was that you can actually just use two solo cups as a shaker. Because, obviously, I do not have my life together enough to carry a shaker everywhere I go, and you probably don’t either. Sorry.
Images: Pexels (1), Giphy (3)
It’s no secret that sobriety plays a small role in Vanderpump Rules. But while the Vanderpump Rules cast is open about their drinking, we’ve never seen so much as a bong on camera. (We know they’re smoking weed. They’ve all admitted to smoking weed.) This isn’t exactly surprising. But it was a pretty refreshing change when the Vanderpump Rules cast finally opened up a little bit about their use of drugs this season. Too many impressionable youths are watching this show for the cast not to disclose that their 72-hour benders, impossibly tiny figures, and frequent meltdowns are fueled by a little something extra. They’re open about the damage alcohol has caused—I’m glad they’re being open about this too. Here are all the drugs the Vanderpump Rules cast has admitted to taking, not counting drugs they are prescribed, because I don’t want to get my ass in trouble with HIPAA.
Kristen Doute/Stassi Schroeder
Drugs: Adderall, Xanax, marijuana
Kristen and Stassi both made this pretty easy for me. They’ve openly discussed their Adderall and Xanax use—Stassi on camera as well as off. Quick highlight reel of Stassi’s on-screen season 6 drug references: blackout on tequila and Adderall at her birthday party, Xanax and alcohol during the finale. For Kristen, we have her “Xanax and edibles” refrain about her travel anxiety in Mexico, plus some pretty explicit IG stories of late including her smoking a bowl and a collection of her beside prescription bottles. Side note: The Xanax may very well be prescribed. But mixing it with alcohol/other sedatives means they’re def not taking it AS prescribed.
We’ve discussed Stassi’s super scary mixing of alcohol and Xanax at some length. But in case you need a refresher: Side effects of mixing Xanax and alcohol may include: siding with your douchehat boyfriend, inappropriate smiling because you don’t know WTF is going on, and literally dying. Do not do this.
As for the Adderall use, Stassi admits to abusing it to get through long shooting days, keep her weight down, and drink the required amount of alcohol for a reality star without passing out. Ugh. Bravo, take better care of your people.
We all knew that Scheana was a “craaazy pothead”, hence repeating herself every single episode of this season. What I didn’t know is that Scheana was actually sued in 2016 for pot smoke pouring out of her apartment. Yikes. So ya girl does, in fact, smoke. But just in case we weren’t clear enough at this point, she’s also been IG storying what seems to be a weed tour through Hawaii. I guess once the entire internet roasted the use of weed as her excuse for her Robsession, she decided she needed to develop some receipts in a hurry. Which, yeah, if you’re going to claim weed gave you the level of foresight and mental acuity of the cast of Pineapple Express, I’m gonna demand you back that up.
Like Scheana, Lala too has referenced her own weed smoking at some length. Less than you’d expect for someone who claims that Tupac’s “spirit lives inside her,” but some. (I love a good stoner girl, but I can’t help calling Scheana and Lala out here. They’ve always been in that weird guy’s-girl, wannabe-hood zone that aligns itself with exclusively taking two hits for the ‘Gram.) On her horrifying episode of Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald, Lala says she’s quit smoking, and switched to natural remedies. You know, like sucking on a “baba,” or on a dick. Starting to think we disagree on what “natural remedy” means.
Lala, after one hit off a blunt:
Katie and Tom both seem like they’ve been hitting the edibles fairly heavily this season, which Katie admitted to taking before her wedding. Katie specifically mentions going to dispensaries because “they have lots of candies and chocolates and I like to eat the edibles.” And while Schwartz never admits to indulging himself, can we at least agree that he really, really seems like a die-hard stoner? (See: always wearing sandals, no real ambition to speak of, etc.)
Here’s one of my fave Schwartz-HAS-to-be-stoned-here GIFs:
As for the rest of them, James Kennedy talks about having been “first in line” at “all the clubs and clinics” since they let you in when you’re 18. (We get it James, you’re young.) Jax and Brittany have video evidence of them lighting up in an airport bathroom, and Jax mentions that he picked the habit up from Brittany’s parents. Possibly the cutest fact about this couple. We know Ariana smokes as well from the time she referenced “hiding the bong” from Sandoval’s mother. (God, I pay way too much attention to this show.) I don’t have specific evidence for anyone else, but I’d assume Raquel at least needs some kind of memory-reducing drug to have not yet dumped James.
As for the burning question I’m sure you all had: We have no concrete evidence that anyone is doing coke. Plenty of people (Sandoval included) have suggested that Jax has a serious coke problem, but we don’t have any evidence
other than his six nose jobs and everything he says and does on camera. All around, it seems like we’re dealing with a group of semi-stoners, a lot of anxiety disorders (don’t act like you wouldn’t develop one too), and a hopefully waning Adderall problem from the early years. Basically, your sorority pledge class. Celebs, they’re just like us!
Images: Giphy (5)
Cinco de Drinko is upon us, fam, and with it comes our love of all things Mexican. Tacos, margaritas, and large hats that hide our hangovers are all on display while we celebrate an obscure Mexican battle that white people love to hold on to as proof that they totally love those crazy southern neighbors, even while voting for a president who wants to build a wall. AMIRITE. So, it may surprise you to know that throwing back those shots of tequila this weekend in the name of Mexico may actually be doing wonders for your health. Yas, rly. I’m talking about health benefits of drinking tequila. They exist, and they’re actually p legit.
I mean, everything in moderation, but you could totally be doing your bod a favor by slamming a shot or two of Patron Silver. Ole. Let’s take a look at some health benefits of drinking tequila to prove that there are still some good things left in this world.
1. It’s Less Likely To Give You A Hangover
If you’re going for top shelf shit like blanco or silver tequila, you may have less of a hangover than you deserve. According to NY Daily News, those varieties of tequila aren’t aged in wood. If they were, they’d be more likely to contain impurities that can make your head feel like it’s going to explode come morning. Plus, they don’t contain sugary syrups like some of the gold varieties. That means no Cuervo.
2. It’ll Help You Sleep
We all know how relaxing a few drinks can be, and, apparently, tequila is a great answer for those who need the ZZZZZzzs. Since it’s shown to calm nerves, tequila can actually help you fall asleep, which is, like, probably a good thing to keep you from sending that text to you-know-who after a few shots anyway.
3. It’ll Help Digestion
According to Medical Daily, if you slam back a shot of 100% blue agave tequila after a meal of pizza and beer (or whatever you usually have for dinner while drinking), it’ll act as the perfect digestif. High amounts of inulin—which helps you digest shit by introducing special bacteria—in the agave plant help you more easily digest whatever it is you just stuffed in your face hole.
4. It Can Give Your Diet A Boost
AND it has nothing to do with how much you vom after blacking out! Science tells us tequila’s naturally occurring sugars don’t raise your blood sugar levels and aren’t digestible, so they just pass right out of you. That means no weight gain. I wish all food/candy/alcohol had this power.
5. Drink It For Bone Health
The agavins in tequila have been linked to studies showing they help you absorb calcium. So, logically, tequila can help prevent shitty, brittle bones. Probs can replace our kids’ milk with tequila then, right? FIGHT ME.
6. You May Be Less Likely To Get Dementia
Aside from blacking out, which obv causes memory loss (so sad), having a few drinks of tequila can help cut the risk of dementia. According to Medical Daily, a study found that older people who consumed between eight and 14 drinks per week had a lower risk of dementia that people who didn’t. We should also point out, though, that people that had MORE than 14 drinks per week were more likely to suffer from dementia, and probs a few other problems, too.
7. Adieu, Diabetes
Well, like, it may not cure you, but according to Lifehack.org, tequila’s fructans (fruit sugars, stay woke), act as fiber and, therefore, don’t cause a dangerous blood sugar spike. It can also jump start insulin production which is, apparently, v important when you have diabeetus.
Images: Anya Smith, Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Cinco de Mayo is on Saturday, and even though going to a Mexican restaurant on May 5th is social suicide (ie: waiting 2 hours to get 1 drink), it’s hard to resist the unique pull of a good margarita. And by “good” I mean “strong” because that’s what’s really important to me in life. I did the arduous labor of taste testing the strongest margs that NYC has to offer, and I was not
sober disappointed. Whether you’re going on Cinco de Mayo or just any other one of the 364 days out of the year, if you’re looking for the strongest margaritas in NYC, look no further than these 5 spots.
1. Empellon Al Pastor
This bar will supply you with more tequila than you know what to do with, plus an entire Michelada and margarita menu. Inside you’re surrounded by floor-to-ceiling graffiti and bathrooms that are big enough for two. Pair your blood orange margarita with some of the best cheap tacos in NYC prepared by a James Beard award winning chef at a price way less than his other spots. It’s $5-8 for tacos with lamb shoulder, beer braised pork, and a personal classy favorite, the cheeseburger taco.
2. El Rio Grande
This place might as well be renamed “blackout city” because of the strength of the margaritas. This is where all the Murray Hill bros go to race to the bottom of a tequila bottle. You aren’t here for the food, you’ve come to nab yourself a former frat guy/sorority gal and a margarita. Try not to fall off the patio because you’re so drunk, you certainly wouldn’t be the first.
3. Salvation Taco
Tequila with a view? We got you. The rooftop of the Pod 39 hotel is like a booze-fueled adult playground with city views, good music, and upscale Mexican street food. It’s not the cheapest Mexican food in America. However, you’ll have just enough margaritas (aka liquid courage) in you that you can likely convince a handsome would-be suitor to pay for it instead of you. Grab a $70 salvation margarita pitcher with guajillo chili salt and day drink way up high without the judgment.
4. La Esquina Brasserie
Trying to impress your friends with how cool you are? Work your way into the underground La Esquina, and bring a date, because you’ll definitely get laid due to cool points. Once you get passed the doorman your night will be sexy, dark, vibey and tequila-y. Check out the barrio fuego margarita made with habanero tequila and pair it with a menu of tostadas, tacos, and ceviches that are so good you don’t even need to be buzzed to enjoy them.
5. Tacombi Bleecker
You can drink Mexico into a tequila shortage here and also get some extremely decent food at a super reasonable price. The staff never seems to stop moving, performing a relentless margarita-slinging dance. You actually feel like you’re in Mexico with the breeze from floor-to-ceiling open windows, string lights, and bright paint. They have 10 varieties of tacos here, including baja crispy fish with roasted poblano mayo, which is extra photogenic for all you Instagram models. Great spot for a group and to meet other young, hot, agave loving people such as yourself.
Images: Shutterstock; One Hungry Jew (3)
Remember last week when I said this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York looked really promising? Well, I was right. (Not like that’s a surprise.) This was actually one of my favorite RHONY episodes ever. There is truly so much to talk about with this episode, but let’s start with the first and most pressing thing which is the fact that Tinsley casually mentions that her first date with the dude Carole wants to hook her up with lasted five days. They went to Miami together. I can’t decide if that’s some stage five clinger shit, or the greatest power move I’ve ever heard of. This also only works when you’re a celeb with cameras that follow you around everywhere. Anybody else who accepts a ticket to Miami as a first date is on their way to being murdered. That’s just like, a fact.
In other news, Sonja receives an unsolicited dick pic that was meant for someone else. Uh, ew. On top of that, she decided she’s not drinking for the Mexico trip, which was planned as an intentional booze fest. Personally, I’m shocked that she’s capable of being sober after that.
Ramona officially lasted seven minutes into the episode (which is actually less if you count the quick little “last week on RHONY” montage) without trying to weasel her way into the best room on the trip. I’m seriously so over Ramona and Sonja’s weird obsession with needing to stay in the same, best room with a bathtub and an ocean view that’s in close proximity to the kitchen. They’re almost more painful to watch than an episode of Tiny House Hunters.
Bethenny, like the rest of the world, is so over Ramona’s whole room picking charade.
Bethenny: You can’t be a miserable disgusting grabby twat, but yet, she can. Sonja’s just as bad, she’s an accomplice.
Watching Sonja and Ramona pick rooms is my least favorite part of every single housewives trip. Like, if it weren’t for Bethenny talking shit about them and eventually calling them out, I’d probably just save myself a migraine and fast forward through it all.
Bethenny attempts to shut down the whole thing by having everyone choose a number to decide what order the rooms are picked in. Yep, you read that right. Grown ass women have to pick a number out of a hat to pick rooms. I can’t. Tinsley and Luann end up with first and second choice and of course, Ramona and Sonja have tons to say about it because they expect Tinsley to sell her soul to Sonja and hate Luann for being actually married.
To add to the mess, Tinsley gives her first choice spot to Bethenny to thank her for arranging the entire trip and obv, Sonja loses it. As if throwing multiple temper tantrums wasn’t enough, Ramona and Sonja then steal the rooms that Dorinda and Carole chose. I don’t even have any decent commentary for that… it’s just stupid.
This trip is cliquey AF. It’s Tinsley, Dorinda, Luann and Carole against Sonja and Ramona, and then Bethenny is just the queen fucking bee that nobody is allowed to speak to directly. The popular girls are all sitting together gossiping and Ramona and Sonja are sharing an intimate moment by the ocean. Ramona starts rubbing Sonja and telling her about how she’s going to be in her life forever. Ooookay.
Ramona: Let’s live in the moment. I’m in a good place and you’re in a good place.
I really, really thought Ramona was about to propose.
Sonja: I’m trying to focus on what she’s saying but her face is like a pizza pie with no cheese.
Thank you, Sonja (and adult acne) for cutting that tension.
Bethenny shows up 90 minutes late to dinner and is the first one there. Honestly, I need to get myself a friend group like that. It’s unclear why everyone is late, other than the fact that they’ve been slamming tequila all day and Tinsley is having a meltdown. A story about her gets leaked to Page Six about how she is an ungrateful house guest and should give Sonja a gift. Tins assumes that it was Ramona, but due to the fact that Ramona apparently only rips off the press to place nice stories about herself, Bethenny thinks it was Sonja.
Bethenny: Nobody cares. I care that nobody is at dinner.
Everyone’s drunk, but Luann is particularly tanked, which is rare because everyone agrees that she can hold her liquor the best. Anyway, they’re all sitting around the dinner table waiting for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to show up. They’re probably like, sponge bathing each other or something, but Luann says they’re doing their makeup.
Bethenny: Putting makeup on Ramona’s face today is like throwing an extra deck chair off the QE2. I mean like, leave it alone, you know what I mean?
BTW, the QE2 is the Queen Elizabeth 2 for those of you who didn’t have the time to Google that. Normally I’d feel stupid about not knowing something, but judging from the confused look on Tinsley’s face, I was not the only one.
Side note: Ramona and Sonja are literally dressed like Paris and Nicole from season two of The Simple Life and honestly, I totally love it.
Luann thanked Bethenny for arranging the trip, which pisses Ramona off because she apparently hates when people are nice to Bethenny.
Bethenny: Ramona could fuck up a wet dream.
I actually screamed at that line. Like, not just type “lol screaming” screamed. I actually laugh-shrieked.
Everyone’s fucked up just yelling at each other. I love it.
Turnt up Tinsley brings up the Page Six drama and Ramona just continues being a human tornado and tearing through every social situation like a natural disaster. Thankfully, Tins is drunk enough to handle it the way all of us wish everyone would handle Ramona.
Tinsley: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAMONA
Ramona: Tinsley, settle down. You are nearing hysteria.
When did Ramona become the zen master? Her resting state is nearing hysteria, but whatever.
Tinsley is pissed because Sonja called her a bad houseguest, yet she’s running around fighting over rooms being the literal worst houseguest in all of history.
Anyway, I’m kind of loving Tinsley this episode. She starts screaming and crying and putting on a pretty good show. 10/10 meltdown, Tins. Welcome to the franchise.
Then comes the best moment of maybe the entire series, when Luann stands up, says “shake your booty” and IMMEDIATELY FALLS IN A BUSH. This is honestly television gold and is footage that will probably be used for seasons to come. Bravo, Luann.
The episode ends with Luann being a crazy, yet harmless drunk chick, which I’m all for. I’m slightly concerned that someone potentially slipped something into her drink, but we know that she definitely survived the Mexico trip because it was filmed months ago, so we can all laugh at her drunk antics without worry. Amen.
Shopping for Father’s Day is stupidly difficult. If you’re wanting to skip the “fun” mugs, ties, and yard tools, wtf else is it that a dad wants?! Like us, most dads love booze. Whether they like to get weird with tequila or are happy cracking open a craft beer, most dads just want to be left the fuck alone to drink and grill with some goddamn peace and quiet. I can respect that.
So, this Father’s Day, don’t fuck up by getting a chocolate hammer and “No. 1 Dad” mug for the fourth year in a row. We’ve rounded up top contenders in all the booze categories to make this a bitchin’ (and drunk) Father’s Day.
1. Red Wine
If dear old dad is into a nice glass of red wine for sippin’ at dinner, look for something that goes with literally everything. We like 2014 Cultivate Pinot Noir—a blend of grapes from several California regions that goes really well with red meat AND chocolate. It has tasting notes of everything from ripe red fruits to a touch of black tea. Sounds manly. Plus, it’s about $27, so it counts as a legit gift.
2. White Wine
If for some reason dad is into white wine (maybe red wine gives him heartburn or makes him angry), reach for something that blends well with shit like grilled chicken, spice, and seafood. Grab a Sauvignon Blanc since it isn’t especially sweet AND it keeps dad away from basic bitch territory like Chardonnay (shudder). We like 2015 Hawkes Bay Sauvignon Blanc cause it’s got a bitchin’ blend of acid and sweet with hints of citrus. Make sure dad knows to chill his wine and serve it with something Asian-inspired—like food from that Japanese place he loves so fucking much.
If dad is into bourbon, there are a few decent ones you need to be looking to buy. One is Bulleit Bourbon which, at 90 proof, is likely to give dad a
hangover Father’s Day he’ll never forget. The good thing about this shit is that it’s smoother than most bourbons since it’s 2/3 corn and 1/3 rye. It has mild spice and a littttle sweetness, perfect for drinking straight or mixing into whatever dad needs.
If daddy has an American Express Black Card and you get your pretentious betchiness from him, chances are he drinks Scotch. Bonus points if he does the flicky water thing and sips it in a Hannibal Lecter sort of way. Anyway, if you’re looking for a good but affordable Scotch for dear dad, try Chivas Regal 12 Year Old (Blended) or Bowmore Small Batch (Single Malt). Both are under $40 so you won’t break the bank, but they’re also recognized and awarded as super smooth with interesting flavor profiles. If you’re dad’s into Irish whiskey (I know it’s not the same as Scotch, fight me), get him a bottle of Bushmills Red Bush. It’s distilled in bourbon casks for a well-rounded yet versatile flavor profile.
So if you’re Russian or something, dad probably likes his vodka. Is that profiling? Whatever. Anyway, if you’re ready to drop about $40 on good, organic vodka, try Purity Vodka. It’s made in Sweden or something and has a really clean taste with notes of vanilla and pepper not usually in vodka. Definitely a step up from Dubra and Smirnoff.
Is dad a psychopath who enjoys gin? Is this where you got your psycho tendencies from? Great! Picking a good gin is NOT as simple as grabbing a bottle of Bombay (stop). Look for something decent like The Botanist. It doesn’t taste quite as much like a cleaning solution and focuses on a niiiiice peppery kick. Plus it’s only like $40 so you can’t afford NOT to get it. Or if you want to trick Dad into thinking you spent a lot of money on his gift as penance for maxing out his credit card again or something (speaking for a friend), pick up some Sipsmith London Dry Gin. It’s made in London (and therefore automatically classy) and it has a dry finish with spicy notes of juniper and a hint of lemon tart. Dry, spicy, then tart—kind of like dad. Too corny? Sry.
Are you looking to splurge? Tequila makes us crazy, so if you want to blow dad away for Father’s Day and try to make him forget that time you totaled his car, opt for the Avion Reserva 44, which clocks in about $150. It’s super rich, aged, and has a really unique taste. If all you’ve been drinking is Jose, you won’t know what planet this shit is from.
8. Craft Beer
If dad is a simple man who just wants to be left alone with a beer, give him the gift his heart desires (and then leave him tf alone). There are literally millions of craft beers out there, so head to Trader Joe’s, grab an empty six pack, and start putting together a tasting you think dad would like. Like, any asshole can grab a case of Sam Adams—it’ll just mean SO MUCH that you took the time to put that shit together. You’re such a great daughter.
If you, like me, spent the last week
getting fucked up celebrating v important calendar dates such as the Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo then, first of all, I applaud you. Second of all, please tell me your skin is as fucked up as mine is rn. I’m really just amazed that my skin only sabotages me every once in a while considering all of the shit I put it through on a daily basis. See, I like to do this thing where I “treat myself” sevenish days of the week—it’s sort of like playing Russian roulette with my skin but instead of bullets it’s massive amounts of alcohol and pizza. I know, I’m a peach. ANYWAY, I am sure I’m not alone out there so because I’m feeling charitable and also because I’m already counting down the minutes until it’s 5pm and socially acceptable to open wine, here’s a list of the best alcohol and face mask pairings to get you started on your happy hour skin care journey.
1. Champagne + Bubbles Mask
Get it? I’m pairing bubbles with bubbles? Okay, not super original SO SUE ME. But this will look v cute on Instagram and isn’t that really all we’re striving for here? Try E.L.F’s Hydrating Bubble Mask for a frothy face mask that’s more fun than a Snapchat filter and it also nourishes the fuck out of your skin.
2. Cosmopolitan + Detox Mask
This is for all my city girls out there who have to deal with garbage humans who literally shit on public transportation (seriously, I saw this happen once). A detox mask is the perfect way to refresh your skin after a long week of dealing with psychopaths on the subway, and we suggest using Caudalie Instant Detox Mask in particular. The natural clay ingredients give your skin a deep cleanse while also leaving your face smooth and your complexion even. And before you start talking shit, I know no one drinks Cosmopolitans anymore because it’s not the year 2000, but I’m suggesting this pairing anyways because it seems v sad to make yourself a vodka cran to Netflix and chill… alone. Just saying.
3. Boxed Wine + Peel Off Mask
I’m not sure who still drinks wine out of a box, but I’m assuming it’s the same person who buys their face masks from the sales section at Walmart. I assume. Masque Bar Luminizing Charcoal Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Both this mask and boxed wine are cheap AF but still v effective and will get the job done during desperate, desperate times.
4. Bordeaux + Clay Mask
Bordeaux were legit made for drinking in a clay mask. They’re full-bodied and earthy just like the shit you’re putting on your face rn. This is the kind of shit someone like, say, Hannah Baker would sip and savor and then plan out how to be extra AF from beyond the grave (I assume). Pair a clay mask, like Aveda Deep Cleansing Herbal Clay Masque, with any bordeaux. Any betch with combination skin will feel blessed AF using this mask because it draws out impurities from the skin while also absorbing any excess oil. FML forever it is not.
5. Wine Cooler + Anti Aging Mask
It seemed fitting to pair something that’s supposed to reclaim your youth with a drink that no one above the age of 19 drinks. Drunk Elephant’s T.L.C. Sukari Baby Facial is perfect for any skin type and its main goal is to “minimize the look of fine lines and wrinkles, refine pores, and boost overall clarity and radiance.” And a bonus is that you can now enjoy the wine cooler in the privacy of your own home instead of the local Wawa parking lot. Blessings.
6. Pinot Grigio + Hydrating Mask
Pinot Grigio is basically like water, which is not a fact but just my personal opinion—it’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. Hydrating masks, like Glossier’s Moisturizing Moon Mask, go perfectly with Pinot Grigio. Made of almond oil, hyaluronic acid, licorice root, lemon fruit, honey, and aloe—it’s divine served chilled (both the wine and the mask) and will refresh the fuck out of your face. But, like, I’ve also heard white wine will give you a skin disease so there’s really conflicting information over here. Like can we get someone on this please? GOP, can we stop trying to ruin the health care system and instead focus on the more important issues at hand, like, is my Pinot Grigio safe?? K, thx.
7. Tequila Shots + The Trend Mask
I never advise taking tequila shots because no matter how many articles I read about tequila making your bones healthy or adding years to your life I’m convinced it’s all just fake news. There’s no way that tequila, the same alcohol that
my sorority sisters people do body shots with and convinced me to get my belly button pierced at 20 years old on spring break, is actually good for you. That being said, you’re going to need all the shots when you try out any sort of trend mask that’s being pimped out hyped hard by teenagers on Instagram. Especially the Hanacure gel mask because this is the face that will look back at you in the mirror and it is terrifying:
^^actual footage of me looking at my reflection rn
But South Koreans did come up with this product so you know it’s some good shit. It pulls tightly on your skin, totally warping your face until you look old as hell, but when you take off the mask it leaves your skin looking 10 years younger by reducing wrinkles and your pore size.
There is a lot of powerful astrology happening this weekend, and it has a 100% chance of ending with you drunk on top of a bar. With Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby falling on the same weekend, anything is possible. The stars have truly aligned. Hallelujah! Will the next two days be tequila-soaked or Mint Julep-laden? Only the stars can tell, but one things is sure: you’ll be drunk dancing in a wide-brimmed hat either way.
After a week of approaching your relationships in a mature, adult manner, you’ve earned two days of freedom, Aries. What does that mean? Tell everyone to fuck off. Seriously. It’s not fun having to be the mediator all the time—I’m not even going to get into what it does for your mental health. For the next two days, the only feelings you should be worrying about are your own. Everyone will just have to handle their own shit (gasp) until you’re ready to come back.
Less is more, Taurus. In every aspect of your life. You have been The Most™ the past couple days, and it looks like this weekend will be a good time for you to dial things back a bit. Instead of going all out, every day, no matter the circumstance, consider just…not doing that. Enthusiasm can be great (in the smallest of doses), but going balls out on a Tuesday night when your roommate offers you a glass of wine is not the time for it. TL;DR: You’re tiring everyone out. Give them a break. Give yourself a break. Just chill, please.
You know those days where you just feel gross, Gemini? Like you can’t put your finger on it, but you just feel off and nothing seems to make it right? Well, this is what your next two days have in store. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. On the plus side, this gives you every excuse to hide yourself away for the weekend. Sure, you’ll miss out on some Cinco activities, but tbh tequila is probably the last thing you need right now. Just get in bed, close the blinds, and ignore Snapchat. You’ll ride this funk out by Monday.
Time to get back to basics, Cancer. You’ve been letting unnecessary and frankly, unimportant, people mess with your head lately. This weekend, that stops. Surround yourself with friends, real friends, and don’t let anyone fuck with your good time. Sometimes it’s nice to step back and just hang out with the people who have known you long enough to not care about the awful shit you say and do. A couple days of unfettered best bud time will hopefully put you back on kilter and remind you of the ways that you should be treated. No lites te bastardes carborundorum, betches.
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, Leo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. The good news? You won’t suffer a debilitating tequila hangover the likes of which you haven’t seen since…last Cinco de Mayo. The bad? The FOMO is about to be so. Damn. Real. While this is less than ideal, rest easy knowing that you won’t wake up with $80 less in your bank account and zero recollection of the round of shots you bought all your new best friends (aka strangers) at the bars the night before. It’s the little things.
You need a break, Virgo. You know it. We know it. Your barista knows it. That homeless guy who hangs outside your regular Starbucks knows it. Literally everyone is on the same fucking page. Now that we’ve cleared that up, it’s time to address how you’ll take your much needed reprieve from society. While locking yourself away in your room is always a good option, this may call for something a little more extreme. Nothing is more extra relaxing than a good old staycation. That’s right, rent yourself a hotel room somewhere in town, tell no one where it is, and then spend the next two days in blissful solitude. Make sure you pack anything and everything you could possibly need for total relaxation so that you don’t have to interrupt your zen by running home. Will your friends make fun of you? Probably. But they won’t be chilling in a fuzzy robe for two days straight, so fuck what they think.
Some say that a life of excess can make a person soft. Physically? Mentally? Probably all of the above, but since when do we care what other people say? This weekend, Libra, you are Henry VIII, just without the gout, syphilis, and murder. That’s to say, you should not only strive to experience the finest things that you can get your hands on, but you should expect it. Some people may be weirded out by this mentality, but that just means more delicious and expensive things for you. A win-win, no?
Shit happens, Scorpio. Then again, we don’t need to tell you that, do we? The last few months have been a rollercoaster to say the least, and it’s finally time to let the healing begin. This weekend, do whatever you need to do to get yourself back on track, or at the very least headed in that direction. If that means blacking out off of four-dollar tequila shots, we say go for it. Although, cheap tequila and mental health aren’t two things I’d usually put in the same sentence. But that doesn’t matter, because this weekend is all about you! Come Monday, hopefully you’ll be starting to feel like your old self again. Or, at the very least, you’ll have stopped puking.
Somehow, after this past week of non-stop socializing, working, and just general living, you’ve managed to come out the other end looking better than you started. So first things first, fuck you. But really, if it’s all working out for you, why mess with a good thing, Sagittarius? Let’s see how long you can keep this streak going, and spend the next two days being as outrageous as possible. No margarita is safe. No shot glass will be left unturned. By the end of the weekend, you shouldn’t remember what it feels like to be sober and not reeking of tequila. If you’re still thriving come Monday, we’ll revisit the topic of you being a witch. But until then, live it up.
This weekend you should have one thing, and one thing only, on your mind, Capricorn: positivity. This week has been a shit show and left you feeling a little low to say the least, but now is no time to revel in it. Show the world how strong you are by coming right back out, happier and more upbeat than ever. Sometimes the shit you put out into the universe comes right back at you, which means you should be reaping some benefits of this mentality by the end of the weekend. It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it. Pinky swear.
This week has sucked, Aquarius. There’s no getting around that. You’re tired, you’re angry, you’re bloated. Nothing is looking good for you. Usually this would be the part where we tell you to give up and crawl into your cave for a few days, but the stars have something else in mind: alcohol. That’s right. The only way out of this slump is through a bottle, and you’re going to be shocked by how quick it’ll turn thing around for you. Embrace the festive weekend ahead, and celebrate to the fullest extent. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only tequila can do that.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe how blessed we can be, Pisces. Really, it’s like the entire world is working in your favor right now, and it’s all culminating in the ultimate two-day marathon. Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby fall in the same weekend means only one thing for you, and it’s that you don’t have to choose between your two favorite alcohols. This is your time to shine, Pisces, and we have the utmost faith that you’ll do us all proud. Mint Juleps. Margaritas. Shots on shots. The limit does not exist, my friend. Make sure your Monday is clear for lots of sleeping, and then let your freak flag fly.
Read here to learn how to make a classic margarita for Cinco de Mayo!