So I realize the recap is a little late, but don’t blame me, because I don’t take any personal responsibility for anything ever blame my internet provider and their “unscheduled service outage” in my area. It’s honestly just so unprofessional of them. I mean, if an unscheduled service outage is anything like my unscheduled blackouts, then they need to get their shit together, because I very rarely always manage to stick to my commitments. People these days! Whatever. Anyways, let’s talk Riverdale. Where did we leave off again? Oh, right with Archie and his weird sexually-charged fight club. K.

I love that Jughead thinks he can stop this serial killer by going to the library. Also, if I were that librarian, this would be a red fucking flag for me. Loner in weird hat, probably bullied for wearing said hat, checks out 6 books on famous serial killers? Yeah, I’m calling the police.

It’s good to know that Archie has still lost his damn mind and that I’m not the only one who thinks that Red Circle propaganda video looked like amateur porn violent AF.

Hermione is laying down a lot of hard truths rn about Archie. She’s like, “You can’t see Archie anymore, because he’s freaking me out with that video he made.” Yeah, because telling a teenage girl who she can and can’t sleep with always ends v well. For further proof see: Ariel Winter.

Wowww, so Hiram isn’t gonna own up to shit, huh? He’s really just going to throw Archie under the bus and not take any sort of personal responsibility for any of this? That is so fucking sexy.

ME: Hiram is so shady and manipulative.

ALSO ME:

Polly apparently got the hell out of town, which is probs for the best, because her and her future circus act children were definitely in danger of being on Hood Man’s kill list. And I don’t understand why her mom is trying to act like Polly wouldn’t get murdered immediately? He’s after the town sinners, and Polly is a cousin-lover. So, yeah, she was 100 percent next on that list.

Mr. Andrews is treating this Red Circle video like he found an empty Four Loko can in Archie’s room not like his son made a threatening video that incited TERROR within their community. Like, Freddy, I know I’m not a parent nor do I have any actual parenting experience, but rein. him. in.

Jughead continues to try and fit in at Southside High, and it’s really tough, when he’s friends with morons like Archie. Also, he’s got to stop tying that plaid shirt around his waist like that. He looks like he just had a surprise visit from his Aunt Flow and left his pads at home.

He stumbles upon The Serpents at lunch, and they’re watching Archie’s stupid video and want to beat the shit out of him for being lame AF. Honestly, I’m here for it.

Okay, but what does Sweet Pea mean by “bring me his head”? Like the fuck? You’re a sophomore in high school not fucking Al Capone. Sit down. Also, your name is Sweet Pea. How am I supposed to take you and your threats seriously, when your name makes me want to pinch your cheeks?

Back at Riverdale High, Veronica corners Archie, because once again, he’s proving that he has the deductive reasoning skills of my stapler. She can’t believe she fell for this dickhead in a cardigan, and honestly, neither can I. You’re so much better than this, V! Calling him a wannabe Unabomber was a nice touch, though. Will make a note for the next time I get drunk and text my ex am in need of such an insult.

VERONICA: But why are you doing this again??

ARCHIE: Veronica, you’ve got to fight fire with fire and fight terror with something that looks like gay porn.

FINALLY an adult acting like an actual fucking adult. The principal suspends the entire football program for the Red Circle video and threatens to kick Archie out of school, which seems like a plot twist from one of the Bring It On spin offs, but I’ll let it slide for now.

Meanwhile, The Black Hood (seriously The CW has to re-think this name) sends Betty a letter at the Blue & Gold telling her why he’s committing the mass murders, because a high school newspaper seems the appropriate place for such an announcement.

BETTY: He says he’s killing people because of me and my super amazing speech, and why am I so fucking popular? Ugh.

ME:

Betty doesn’t want to tell the authorities about the letter, and it’s like, you’re supposed to be the smart one, though! USE YOUR COMMON SENSE! Who do you think you are, Spencer Hastings? That girl ended up in an underground bunker being tortured by her secret, British, identical twin sister. No, quit with the amateur detective shit while you still can. I beg of you.

The sheriff seems equally confused about why the killer is only contacting a homemaker and the student body president of the 10th grade with his directives. And, like, same. 

Archie successfully alienates himself from the rest of Red Circle bros, and it’s like, how many more allies can you really afford to lose here? I never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the singing storyline? Please?

Okay, I’m way too emotionally fragile to watch Jughead flirt with another girl rn. Like my internet barely works, and my last the last Bumble date I went on ended in him telling me he voted for Trump. So, yeah, I need this to work out for me.

TONI: True Crime is kind of my crack

JUGHEAD: It’s my crack too

TONI: Say crack one more time

Loving Veronica’s technique to distract her BF from acting like the town’s biggest psycho by trying to bang him into submission. It’s a bold move, Cotton.

Oh god, Veronica wants to enlist in his sad homegrown militia too? Girl, you are way too pretty for his lunacy. If you want to exorcise your daddy issues, just start banging one of Hiram’s interns or take his black card on a spending spree. You know, like a normal person.

Riverdale is so strange. I used my fake ID to buy six packs of Mike’s Hard, and they use it to buy a shit ton of firearms. We’re just different I guess.

Meanwhile, Betty shows up at Jughead’s trailer, not to reenact that iconic kitchen counter scene (sadly), but to ask him if he wants to work on cracking the serial killer’s code with her, and he’s just like, “I can’t, I’m already cracking Toni’s code. I mean cracking code with Toni.”

Side note: I’m glad Betty is mature enough to not completely lose her shit when Jughead tells her he’s been cracking codes with some other hoe and instead turns the whole thing into a threesome group activity. It’s underhanded and sneaky and a better tactic than mine, which would have been to set her house on fire, but ya know, to each their own.

Meanwhile, Veronica has turned the Red Circle into an ad for Urban Outfitters. The girl knows how to build a brand make a fire t-shirt. She’ll go far in college.

^^Omg so cute! 1000 percent hope Urban Outfitters starts stocking it soon!

Back at Jughead’s trailer, Kev, Juggy, Betty, and the slut trying to steal her man Toni are working on cracking the serial killer’s code instead of, like, doing their homework. Do you think they’ll be able to put “code cracking” on their college applications?

Wowwww, Toni is out for blood with that ponytail comment.

TONI: Maybe you should let your hair down more, like Jughead clearly did with his standards…

KEVIN: Shut your whore mouth that ponytail is iconic.

Ugh, why does Toni think the only way to hurt Betty is to tell her she’s sitting with Jughead at lunch? Like please tell me “lunch” is code for her face or something, because if this is really about a lunch table I’m out.

And just when I thought Archie couldn’t get more cliché, someone handed him a spray can. *looks to sky for guidance*

Lol, I love that Sweet Pea is trying to threaten Archie with nothing but his baby cheeks and GAP jean jacket. I feel more intimidated by the middle schoolers who ride the J train on my morning commute, but whatever. And because Archie has zero fucking chill, he whips out a gun during a knife fight. Like, go back to the North Side, and stop being so fucking extra.

Okay, Hermione is making some amazing points about Archie rn.

God, is Jughead the only level headed person on this entire show.

BETTY: Everyone is going to think it’s my fault, because my speech was just that good!!

JUGHEAD:

Soooo Archie is storing his illegal firearms in Riverdale High’s toilets? And makes his girlfriend go fetch them for him? WHY are all the good ones taken?? Ladies, am I right?

The football team wants back in the Red Circle, because let’s face it, those t-shirts were cute AF. Honestly, I’ve participated in worse shit for less. At this exact moment The Serpents show up at Archie’s house, and it is like a scene out of high school musical.

^^Actual footage of the serpents rn

Like, is this what they teach them during their sorority rush week gang initiation? I have so many questions.

Sweet Pea wants to fight Archie, because this is how we do it in the streets, apparently. I’m not sure who will be worse at street fighting: the ginger in the deep v t-shirt or the person whose literal name is a term of endearment my grandmother uses when she talks to me. It’s really a tough call.

Betty finally cracks the cipher, and Jughead practically jizzes his pants when she does. Who would have thought that a Nancy Drew coloring book would crack a highly evolved serial killer’s code? No seriously who would think this?

Betty busts into town hall saying to let everyone know that this is the Black Hood’s next target, and literally, no one gives a shit. Life is so hard for a teen detective.

Lol, did she just pull the fire alarm when no one listened to her? And did people watch her pull the fire alarm and then actually get up and leave?

Betty finally tells everyone about the letter she got from the Black Hood, and Mrs. Cooper looks more pissed about this then she did finding out her eldest daughter was banging her cousin.

Meanwhile, Archie finally stops acting like a fucking psycho, and Veronica looks like she wants to take full fucking credit for that. Ah, the wonders of good sex a woman’s love. They get rid of the gun, and it looks like maybe we’ll have a normal ending to an episode for once. No more deaths, and we end with a scene of Archie shirtless. Is this what happiness feels like?

Andddd then the fucking Black Hood drunk dials calls Betty in the middle of the night. Seriously, he’s worse than my ex. I swear to fucking god, if he follows up his “Hello Betty” with a “U up?”, I will lose my goddamn mind. 

As far as an era for TV goes, like, right now is probably one of the best ones. There are just a shit ton of really great, well made shows on and it’s almost impossible to keep up. Now, though, most of the best TV is based around adult themes and situations. Fortunately for us, we came of age in an era when, frankly, the best TV was designed for teens. What can we say, us millennials just love our TV. In case you were wondering if your favorite show of yesteryear was betchy or not, we’ve conveniently ranked them for you.

New month, new ways to waste your life away on Netflix while you recover from an inadvisable number of tequila shots. Or when you’re bored AF at work. Or if your bestie dares to make plans without you, the traitor. The point is, it’s there for a betch no matter the situation, and unlike your last SO, Netflix is willing to make changes.

In fact, they just announced the lineup for February. To celebrate, here are the 10 betchiest shows and movies coming to Netflix next month.

1. Magic Mike

Magic Mike is the clear frontrunner for betchiest movie of all time. Mostly naked men! Binge drinking! ‘90s hits! So of course it was going to top this list. Gird your loins now.

2. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2

Musicals aren’t every betch’s cup of tea, mostly because conveying emotion—especially through song and dance—is the definition of trying too hard, but we know a thing or two about the subject matter. Start bingeing Crazy Ex-Girlfriend now so you’ll have time to watch the new season when it hits Netflix on Feb. 1.

3. American Crime Story: The People v. OJ Simpson

Any SVU-loving betch has got a weak spot for true crime, and this is like your fave “Ripped From The Headlines” SVU episode on crack (say crack again). Plus it it’s got Ross from Friends playing Kim Kardashian’s dad. I would seriously contemplate paying to watch this, but fortunately, I don’t have to.

4. Paris Is Burning

The documentary looks kinda depressing, but we gotta support our sisters in drag.

5. Santa Clarita Diet

Drew Barrymore playing a California real estate agent-turned-zombie? It sounds like Flip or Flop meets Night of the Living Dead and I never knew that was something I needed.

6. Chef’s Table, Season 3

For when you want to feel sophisticated without actually having to do any of the work, season 3 of Chef’s Table comes out on Feb. 17. Warning: after watching this there is a 100% chance you’ll start referring to your PB&J sandwiches as “peanut purée and grape chutney on a brioche bun.”

7. Abstract: The Art of Design

Ditto, but with design instead of expensive food.

8. Sausage Party

NGL, this looked like the kind of idiotic material my little brother would spend hours memorizing in painstaking detail, but it also seems like something every stoner betch needs to watch. Plus, Seth Rogen as a hot dog. It’s probably only funny if you’re high out of your mind—not like that’s really a problem.

9.  Girlfriend’s Day

Murder? Check. Cynicism? Check. (Why is this starting to sound like my memoir?) That dude from Breaking Bad? Check. My bottle of wine and I are so there.

10. Ultimate Beastmaster

Maybe an obstacle course reality show isn’t your thing. Maybe you have no joy in your life. It’s none of my business, but I’ll be binge-watching Ultimate Beastmaster as soon as it comes out.

I’ll leave you with a PSA: Clueless is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28, so start committing it to memory now.

This year is already feeling like it should be over, but we’re only in January. You’re going to need a good Netflix queue to get you through spring, and we’re one step ahead of you. Here’s a roundup of exciting shit to look forward to watching on TV this year. Much like having a weekend rager to get you through the week, the upcoming show calendar will get you through the rest of winter.

Were you a Piper, Prue, or Phoebe? I mean, obvs none of us were Prue, which was probably just because she was the oldest and most boring, and also she def died and got replaced by Rose McGowan as Paige. Anyway, back when the best TV shows were actually on regular TV, Charmed was one of our favorites because it involved dressing slutty, sisterhood, and betchy powers. Well CW has decided to bring Charmed back and we’re honestly a little excited.

According to Entertainment Weekly, the show isn’t going to be a direct prequel or sequel, just a spinoff of the original show. So we’ll probably see three sisters but the chances of seeing any original cast are probs low. It’s also going to be set in the 70s, so who knows, maybe there will be a time traveling episode to the future.

If magic is coming back, does this mean Sabrina the Teenage Witch might return? God, we hope so. Regardless, this show is going to be on the CW, and we kind of trust them to do teen TV shows right. At the very least we can expect some good music to come out of it.