A Ranking Of The Mothers On ‘This Is Us’ From Best To Worst

Photo courtesy of NBC.com

This week’s episode of This Is Us confirmed a couple of things for me: 1) This Is Us functions very effectively as a long-form PSA for appropriate use of birth control and 2) I’m a psychic genius, because I pitched this story before even WATCHING Tuesday’s episode in which, yep, we get a pregnant Chrissy Metz.

For anyone who read the transcript of my rage blackout my article on Jack Pearson, you’re already familiar with some of my theories on the show, mainly that Rebecca (Mandy Moore) would’ve been way better off if her whimsical alcoholic husband had chilled with the baby fever (not to mention the off-the-cuff adoption schemes, though obviously thank God, because Randall is the backbone of this whole show). It’s made abundantly clear that Rebecca did not want kids, which just begs the question, if you’re as compulsive and tortured as I am a rational human being: What makes her any different from me, a woman who similarly both does not want to have children and occasionally engages in heated bathroom floor sex anyway? (I’m being colorful to make a point; I do not actually practice in/recommend any kind of bathroom-located sex, and not even just because I cried that one time. It’s just good sense.) Anyway, in honor of all the times This Is Us makes you wonder if maybe you should run out for some Plan B, because apparently pregnancy just STRIKES when you least want it, here’s a rundown of all the mothers on this show who probably would have been better off and happier if they just used more reliable birth control.


Okay, sorry I forgot Beth, but it’s easy to forget someone on a ranking of the worst mothers when you are literally perfect. Please accept my 1,000 sincerest apologies. Beth is the best. Obviously. She has the best marriage, best husband, best life, and least fucked-up kids. She just adopted a foster child, and she’s better dressed for a Wednesday at the office than you will be at your wedding. Beth will always call you (Randall) out on your (Randall’s) bullshit, and while the rest of you clowns are fawning over Rebecca and Jack’s “perfect” marriage, Beth is over here being LITERAL marriage and parent goals with Randall. I know Beth is a fictional character, but can she adopt me?



I already basically explained this, and I don’t think there should need to be any reason beyond the fact that she word-for-word states, “I never want children,” on this show, and then continues to say nothing that would suggest she has changed her mind prior to pregnancy. But it does merit a mention that she also directly calls out the fact that having children essentially crushed her professional hopes and made her literal worst nightmares about being an ignored, overburdened wife and mother all come true (even if there were good parts too, the things she was afraid of ALL HAPPEN). I would’ve loved to have seen Rebecca launch her singing career and continue her habit of drinking in the morning, as Jack mournfully tended to a growing collection of dolls in the attic loved and supported his badass wife. Instead, he works a job he hates and develops a drinking problem, while she carries the weight of five people’s well-being on her shoulders. Worst case all around.

Rebecca Pearson


This is not a political statement; I am fully aware that we haven’t actually seen Kate be a mom yet, but I just feel like the amount of baggage she’ll bring to the table is not healthy for an impressionable human baby. The biggest reason that Kate shouldn’t have a baby right now, IMO, is Toby, whose controlling man-babiness has been driving me up the fucking wall. Kate has displayed more dedication to her fitness journey in this 45-minute episode than I’ve shown in the last five years, and he dares to try and throw her off her game? Also, don’t simultaneously egg someone on to eat a snack instead of working out while ruining the snack itself with a description of the weird hippie ingredients you used for it, because apparently your unemployment has yielded some super specific and nauseating baking habits. (He has to be unemployed, right? What is he doing all day, ironing Kate’s dresses and tracking her location with the GPS chip he implanted? I hate Toby.) 

Moving on. It’s also slightly sad timing that Kate’s finally decided on a career she wants to pursue, and she’ll immediately need to put that on hold. I’m also not crazy about the compulsion we’re seeing about her body just a few weeks into pregnancy. I’m all for the working out and eating organic, but Kate’s so anxious about what her body can and can’t do already. Pregnancy is like mandatory anxiety about exactly that and with much higher stakes, and Kate’s definitely already reacting.

Kate This is Us

Rebecca’s Mom

As we learned this episode, somehow the literal bundle of joy that is Rebecca Pearson was hatched from a racist Disney villain who really, really should not have inflicted her version of “mothering” on anyone. Her nasty-comment-per-minute ratio would be impressive if it weren’t so wantonly directed at her kind and sickly grandchildren, and the brand of racism she brings to the table is basically exactly what you can look forward to at your next Thanksgiving. (To be clear, this is not me saying I wish all your grandmothers had been barren and you’d never been born; I’m just pointing out the many times This Is Us has depicted mothers in ways that make you think, “If she could just be a woman and not a mother right now, I think that would be a better alternative.”)

Celia Hodes

Anyway, short of showing Planned Parenthood ads at every commercial break, I think This Is Us has been about as effective as it can be in demonstrating the need for education surrounding and access to effective birth control. If being pregnant is your thing, then good for you, I guess. Just don’t be Rebecca Pearson, crying in a sparkly dress about how her singing career was lost in the parenting shuffle of diaper changing and built-up resentment.

Archie From ‘Riverdale’, KJ Apa, Was Involved In Late-Night Car Crash

It’s been a rough fucking couple of days for me personally Riverdale fans, because it’s just been reported that Riverdale star KJ Apa was in a late-night car crash last week. KJ plays Archie Andrews, aka the only ginger you’d gladly be a side piece for. The Hollywood Reporter broke the story that KJ was driving himself home—a 45 minute commute—after a 16+ hour work day when he fell asleep at the wheel. Typical fucking Archie.

Here’s what we know: Initial reports claimed the crash happened sometime after midnight and KJ was taken to a local hospital for observation before being discharged without any serious injuries. And like, THANK GOD for that. Can you imagine if his face had been damaged? Or those abs?? I’m not saying this kid doesn’t have talent, because he absolutely does, but let’s just say acting and singing ain’t one of them.

Though Archie KJ came out of the accident unscathed, his car is apparently all sorts of fucked up. The passenger side was completely destroyed after hitting a light pole. What’s more is that supposedly KJ’s BFF and costar Cole Sprouse (Jughead Jones) had “planned to be in the car as well that night but changed plans at the last minute.”


Office No

This shit just got way too real for me. I may need a moment to collect myself, my thoughts, and try to come to terms with a world that might have been robbed of this perfect face:

Cole Sprouse

K, moment’s over. The accident has caused literal rioting on the set of Riverdale, because they, like me, realize that is was only Archie’s car that got hurt this time. But what if next time it was Cheryl? Or Veronica? OR JUGHEAD? Nah, they can’t take that chance, they’ve got to start standing up for their rights and shit. Respect.

Apparently, the show routinely runs shoots that last until the early morning hours, and the cast and crew are not provided transportation to and from the set, which, like, wtf? What kind of shoddy establishment is The CW running over in Canada, that they can’t even get the stars of their own damn show an Uber? You have enough production value to pull off turning an entire cast into redheads but you can’t get your actors a safe ride home?

After the story broke yesterday The CW released this statement last night regarding the accident, and it is FULL of shade:

“The safety of the cast and crew on all of our productions is of paramount importance to the Studio. Productions adhere to the Screen Actors Guild–mandated turnaround time of 12 hours from wrap time to next day call time for cast members. In accordance with industry standard policy, if any cast or crew member feels tired or unsafe at any time after working, the Studio will provide a taxi, a driver or a hotel room upon request. This is communicated to all cast and crew, both in writing and verbally, at the beginning of production and is reiterated continuously throughout the duration of production.”

Wooowww. I have not seen that much passive-aggression since this morning, when my boss emailed me to “remind me” about our department meeting. But there’s more! The CW released a second statement, which is somehow even pettier:

“First and foremost, we are extremely grateful that KJ Apa was uninjured during his recent accident.”

Lol you know when a formal statement basically begins with “first of all, bitch…”, this shit is about to get juicy AF.


“Secondarily, we want to specifically address the characterization that conditions on the set of Riverdale are of concern. We have a large cast of series regulars, and our actors do not work every day. On the day of the accident, KJ worked 14.2 hours. The previous day he worked 2.5 hours, and the day before that he worked 7.7 hours. KJ has repeatedly been informed about making production aware if he is tired or feels unsafe, and if so, either a ride or hotel room will be provided for him. The accident occurred last Thursday. Additionally, it is untrue that KJ was taken to the hospital. He was treated by first responders on the scene and released by them. We also sent a doctor to his home later that same day for a follow-up to confirm his well-being.”

Damn, they just dragged the shit out of KJ Apa. Like, way to kick someone when they’re down the star of a highly publicized television show.

Honestly though, CW, you need to get your shit together and take care of those 20 year olds who are living better lives than me your actors, otherwise:


…and it will be in the form of a very nasty tweet from me. My wrath knows no bounds.

All I can say is, I’m v glad my favorite hot ginger is okay. Also, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, thank god it was only Archie in the car. I legit cannot even consider the prospect of one hair on Cole Sprouse’s perfect head being injured. Feel better, KJ!