I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.

The episode could have ended here. It should have ended here. We shouldn’t have had to sit through another full hour of debauchery and flagrant disrespect for any and all legal processes. But that’s not how this show works.

Everyone is in high alert after the Denver discovery, in large part because Connor has gone missing. While Laurel is convinced that he just went ahead and took the deal to save himself, no one else is quite as sure. Michaela and Oliver go to the police, Asher and Bonnie go to Atwood, and Annalise goes to the source itself: Sylvia Mahoney.

Where is Connor exactly? In what looks like a subterranean bunker where Denver is taunting him with shitty breakfast sandwiches in the hopes that he’ll turn on Annalise. Does that perfect little twink look like he eats fast food eggs? Nice try.

The Annalise v. Sylvia showdown in a bougie Manhattan restaurant is everything. If I was sitting there eating a $30 salad and heard the woman at the table next to me tell her friend to shut up and listen, I would be full Rihanna. There would be no pretending that I wasn’t leaning out of my chair to listen.

Sylvia: Of course I defend Charles, he’s my son. It’s my job.
Annalise: No, you job was to raise a good man.
Me, completely ignoring my Nicoise: 

The best little nugget from that scathing conversation? Turns out Wes wasn’t Wallace’s son; he was actually Charles’. That means Sylvia was Wes’ grandmother, and idk if this makes things any less weird but it’s still weird.

Me sitting around trying to do the math on Charles and Wes’ ages like:

Annalise goes with her gut and decides that the Mahoneys are no longer involved in this case, because Sylvia probably wouldn’t murder her grandson. I’m not so sure. Rich white people do crazy things.

My new favorite bit on this show is “Asher keeps forgetting that Laurel is pregnant and repeatedly waves smelly food in front of her face.” He is truly one of the last rays of sunlight we have.

Speaking of, Asher sees that the world is burning down around them and decides there is no better time than the present to tell Michaela that he loves her. She responds by sprinting to the bathroom, where Laurel is puking. The most relatable reaction thus far.

Michaela: I had a bad childhood. I never learned how to love or be loved. It’s not my fault.
Me: Three strikes this episode you are OUT, drunk girl.

Not content to look suspicious enough as is, Annalise heads back to her burnt down house/active crime scene. You know, for the nostalgia. She finds a box in the floorboards that contains the photo of her, Sam, and her dead baby. Again, I get the sentiment, but fuck the nurse who suggested that photo be taken.

The conversation with Sylvia drug up a lot of old trauma for Annalise, which is rough considering she is still trying to figure out how to deal with Wes’ death. Don’t worry, this will come to fruition in a closing monologue that should honestly be awarded an Oscar. I know it’s a TV show. I know they don’t give out Oscars for single monologues. I don’t care.

Meanwhile, Connor is still being berated by shitty food and even shittier defenders of the goddamn Constitution.

Denver: Sign the deal by midnight or we frame you for Wes’ murder.
Connor: You are corrupt and also STUPID.
Denver: …. tight, previous statement still stands.

Connor finally cracks and tells Denver that Oliver has a copy of Annalise’s phone. They bust into his apartment with a warrant, making everyone slightly suspicious of what the fuck Connor is doing. Oliver swears that he told Connor there was nothing on the phone, and therefore Connor is just buying them time. But apparently there was something that not even Oliver’s expert hacking could find.

Annalise reveals that, moments before the fire, Wes had left her a voicemail in which he fully admitted guilt for both Sam and Rebecca’s deaths. Annalise deleted it because she didn’t want to implicate him when the police took her phone, but now that he’s dead Wes is the perfect scapegoat.

Laurel rides in, once again, as Wes’ White Knight and tells Annalise that she obviously didn’t know Wes because this isn’t what he would have wanted. Uh. Laurel. You knew him the exact amount of time as everyone else did. Also, you are clearly the one who didn’t know him, because circumventing the law with arbitrary loopholes was literally one of Wes’ favorite pastimes.

Annalise: Wes would want this.
Laurel: Wes would actually want all of you to burn, but sure.
Annalise: YOU. DATED. FOR. TWO. WEEKS.

Annalise goes to Denver and not-so-delicately lets him know that she knows exactly what he did, and unless he wants the Wrath of Annalise Keating to befall him, he’s going to do exactly what she says. This involves pedaling the story that Wes was a sociopath who killed himself once he found out that the police were onto the Sam and Rebecca trails. I hope that if I ever get murdered, my friends and loved ones completely destroy my reputation in order to save their own asses.

Actual depiction of Annalise outlining her terms:

Clearly everyone has been bluffing about how little clout Annalise still holds, because Denver folds almost immediately. Annalise gets her immunity. Connor is freed. All’s well that ends well.

Lol jk. That never happens.

While Annalise is literally saving the day, Laurel has decided to go on a rogue mission to New York with Asher and Michaela. Her plan is to use Michaela to seduce Charles Mahoney and then somehow get him to admit to murdering Wes, who is also his son. Nothing can go wrong here.

Back in Philadelphia, Frank has also been released. I guess this makes sense considering the charges were dropped, but seeing him crawl up to Annalise and vow loyalty at her feet for the hundredth time this season was honestly not something I needed to watch.

As per usual, the episode wraps up on a dizzying montage of loose ends coming together. Some wonderful. Most not.

First and foremost, Oliver proposes to Connor. I would actually kill for a wedding episode in this show, so please God let everyone stay alive long enough for it to happen.

After flirting with Charles and getting invited back to his place, Michaela realizes she loves Asher. She tells him in the bathroom of a hotel bar with an angry Laurel on the sidelines in the midst of a disastrous plan and, honestly, it’s the perfect reflection of their relationship.

Laurel refuses to let their moment ruin her one chance at closure and runs out after Charles on her own. with a gun. This is where shit truly hit the fan.

As Laurel is moving in on Charles, she’s intercepted by DJ, the unnamed hitman. Except he’s not unnamed, because she knows him. She knows him because he’s a family friend. He’s a family friend because he works with her dad. And unbeknownst to Laurel, he works with her dad as his hitman of choice. That’s right.

LAUREL’S DAD KILLED WES.

As if that news wasn’t devastating enough, the following scene shows us Wes’ death, moment by moment, until the very end. He fought. He struggled. It looked painful. All of America sobbed. But most importantly? We learned that he didn’t need to die. There was no legal reasoning or shady cover up behind it. Wes is dead solely because Laurel’s dad is an asshole.

If you thought Laurel was unbearable now, wait until she finds out that she is low-key the reason Wes was murdered.

Me watching Wes die after a full season of knowing he was definitely dead:

Not emotionally destroyed enough yet? Good, because the ending scene requires your utmost attention before it breaks you.

We’ve come full circle as the episode ends where it began: AA. Instead of berating everyone for baring their souls, Annalise decides to take a turn at being sincere. And when this woman commits, she fucking commits.

Annalise delves into the long sordid tale of how she spent the last twenty years trying to save Wes, only to end up destroying him. Viola Davis delivers the performance of a lifetime. I know that’s what people say anytime she breathes, but I mean it. Annalise finally comes to terms with Wes’ death and why it’s rocked her so substantially: because he’s her son. In blood? No. But in every other sense of the word Annalise considered Wes her son, and now she’s lost both of them. The credits roll as her shaky sobs fill the room, and it’s fine I totally don’t have to go on with my life as if my heart wasn’t just wrenched from my body. Really. I’m chill.

Me trying to collect my thoughts and process grief for fictional characters in time to get up for work Friday morning:

I don’t even know where this leaves us for season four. A deep dive into Laurel’s fucked up family? Definitely. A gay wedding? Only my heart’s deepest desire. Freedom for Nate? Probably never.

Until then my friends, maybe try and find a less traumatizing show to watch.

Hello everyone. I would like to formally not apologize for missing last week’s recap—the episode was shit and we all know it. I think it’s our job, as viewers and over-confident recap writers, to hold MTV to a higher standard of television. Also I got drunk and forgot to send the email to the editors BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

Lucky for you I can make up for it in this hybrid recap—where I will casually mention things from last episode in this one as well. So for the cast members who hit me up on the ‘gram, chill the fuck out. You’ll get your turn on the recaps (except you Jaylan, sorry dude) *whispers* you ungrateful bastards.
WE’RE BACK.

In a not shocking turn of events—they got four matches again. I feel like I’m having déjà vu—but I also hit my head on a toilet seat the other night (the same night I forgot to send the email) and may be suffering from minor head trauma. #prayforme

Alicia confronts Hannah for calling her a whore at the match-up ceremony. *note from last week* this is all following Ozzy and Hannah being a confirmed no match and Alicia immediately trying to fuck Ozzy, in typical thot fashion.

As much as I want to agree with Hannah, because I hate Alicia, Hannah did the exact same shit when Alicia and Andre didn’t match…. But THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!! 

Alicia is like “I DID ONE THING WRONG AND EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME!” To that I say:

Everyone is watching while Alicia is both screaming and squatting at the same time. Fitness doesn’t rest, amiright? All the yelling really does wonders for her abs.

Alicia mentions her fucking punctuation every other word. “DO NOT. PERIOD. TALK TO ME. PERIOD. EVER. EXCLAMATION POINT. “ We get it Alicia, you know how construct sentences. Congrats on graduating the fourth grade, skank EXCLAMATION POINT.

Alicia: POINT BLANK, PERIOD!


ME: 


Ozzy’s just here to get his dick wet and win a few thousand bucks to get his ass onto the mainland so he’s like, whatever.

Andre and Derrick are being gay for each other even though two weeks ago they were almost fist fighting, #tbt.

Andre basically tells Derrick and Taylor that he’s in love with Taylor and everyone collectively loses their fucking minds. Like, wow, love?!? What a fucking bizarre thought I mean, really? What is this—a dating show?!

TAYLOR: This is a lot to think about
.

ALSO TAYLOR: I’M IN LOVE WITH ANDRE, POINT BLANK PERIOD.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge is outdoors, it’s pouring rain and Tee’s weave is getting messed up. I haven’t seen this kind of terror since the Bowling Green Massacre.

This challenge tests what each person values most and they have to dig their prioirites out of the fucking mud and arrange them in order of importance. This is some Stanley Yelnats shit.

RYAN DEVLIN: And after you dig, you must carry Madam Zeroni up the mountain.

They all pair up. Hayden is suddenly into Carolina because the producers are def telling him to be and Ozzy goes with Alicia because he has a death wish.

Joey is just starting there to start a mud fight—he feels more at home when he’s covered in dirt, ya know?

Some other couples include KARI and Derrick and Michael and Hannah. Random enough. So random, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

First place is Andre and Taylor with 5 matches. Love is real everyone, tell your friends.

Derrick and KARI get the second date. How many dates has KARI won? Like, has she even been in the house? And none for Hayden and Carolina, bye!

Ryan’s like “GREAT NEWS—we’re releasing you all from captivity for a night of unsafe binge drinking and exploitation from the television channel.” Aka a party.

They all freak out because they haven’t seen the real world in weeks. Are cars still a thing? Do people still walk on their two legs? To be discovered.

THE PARTAAAAY

Let’s start out by saying that either Joey’s lisp or my minor head injury is making me dizzy. I think it’s the speech impediment.

They start pouring shots and the slutty dancing montage begins. I’m sure this is their parents’ favorite part.

Good ole’ Gianna is rubbing her giant man hands up and down Michael and it’s a little vomit-inducing. Meanwhile Hayden is chatting it up with Carolina, who is fucking hammered.

REAL PICTURE OF CAROLINA IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA:

Carolina is comparing her loyalty to her lovers to Hayden’s loyalty to Gianna… which like, is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works out for her.

Hayden gives props to Carolina for persevering through the bullshit that is his relationship/existence and decides to reward her with a makeout session. How fucking noble of him. That Hayden—he’s a giver!

Hayden has one makeout session and is suddenly captain macho, both regaining his balls and dignity for Gianna’s abnormally large grasp. I haven’t seen a transformation this amazing since Ysma turned Kuzco into a llama.

Gianna is like “WHAT THE FUCK. How dare Hayden look at another girl?” Carolina, watch your back.

Michael is like “I have a connection with Gianna” which is a weird way of saying “I will literally do or say anything to get some airtime.”

Scary masked men come to the party to steal Tiffany and Brittney Wilson from the fashion show and everyone starts dancing.

While Ozzy and Hannah are sitting in the corner saying “I love you” after two weeks, Alicia is plotting every possible way she can lure him into the trap she affectionately calls “her vagina”.

Meanwhile, Andre and Taylor are the first couple of the season to make out naked in the ocean! There is always one and we’ve waited all season for it. Good work, everyone! So can I stop writing these recaps now?

Alicia decides to literally let her bathing suit fall off her in order to convince Ozzy he “needs this ass”. So far, they seem to have a pretty genuine connection. I’m sure his mother is going to love her!

Ozzy tells Alicia she’s sexy and Hannah’s like “THIS IS ALL ALICIA’S FAULT!!!”

Hannah’s logic be like:

OZZY BEING AN ASSHOLE: Alicia’s fault


BEYONCE CANCELLING AT COACHELLA: Alicia’s fault


GLOBAL WARMING: Alicia’s fault

Ozzy and Alicia legit start making out while her coot coot is out. Groundbreaking stuff, y’all.

Michael is like, more than willing to help his homie Hannah fuck up Alicia’s nasty-ass makeout session and picks her up by the fucking vag and plops her onto the ocean. Get you a man who can talk about “values and genuine connections” one minute and then grab a girl by her vag the next. Our president would be so proud!

MICHAEL: I’m helpful. I care about people. I’m empathetic.


ALSO MICHAEL: I hated being an EMT because old people are the fucking worst. Like, why are they so old?

Hannah confronts Ozzy and is like “you’re a piece of shit.” FINALLY. Ozzy is like “my b. luv u tho!” Hannah tells him it’s over and that he needs to find some other dumb bitch to get his green card from. Womp womp.

THE DATE

The date is cliff diving and KARI is wearing wedges. Extra AF.

They are shocked that the cliff they are jumping off is high which is like saying “I’m shocked the ocean has waves.” Everyone jumps off instead of KARI.

KARI CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF:

Derrick tries to go with her to a lower spot to jump and KARI’s like “stop trying to make cliff diving happen! It’s never going to happen!”

On the date, Taylor reveals that she has been cheated on in every relationship and Andre is like “NOPE, NOT MY STYLE.” Which is like, refreshing AF. They tell each other they love each other and I’m like, this is good. Too good.

This will end up badly, I just know it. Call it “reality show recapper intuition.” It’s very real. It’s like I have a sixth sense or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s raining AND WHEN BAD SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Wow, a second topless water makeout session? Andre and Taylor are the real stars of this show.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Prior to getting to the truth booth, Ryan has to meet his quota of stirring the pot at least 3 times. If he gets two people to curse at each other he gets a bonus!

Hannah calls out Ozzy/Alicia and Ozzy’s like “I love Hannah.” Look, I know you’re foreign, but here in America that’s not love. And here in Trump’s America, you need to stay the fuck away from us.

Andre and Taylor go to the truth booth and I am stressed the fuck out. I haven’t had this much anxiety since the election and we all know how that worked out.

The cast gets offered the truth booth challenge because MTV is a bunch of donkey dicks.

Gianna is advocating for the money because of course she fucking is. If she can’t have love NO ONE CAN *she breaks Ryan’s neck using the force of her pinkies*

Tyler is like “ARE YOU DUMB?” Seriously, I want everyone to write me a letter and tell me if they are mentally ill. They need to find the matches first and then worry about the money.

Majority of the house goes with no trade and Ryan’s like “you passed on money for love”, which shit, when he says it like that, goes against everything I stand for.

I’m sweating. I’m freaking out. They look so happy but I just feel like….

Omg. It’s a NO MATCH.

My heart is in shambles. I’m feeling really dizzy and I don’t think it’s the head injury. Send help.

Taylor immediately goes into rage mode and is like I HATE ALL OF YOU. Lol same.

They both say they are not going to separate and everyone is like “WHY THO.” Hayden and Gianna are like “WHO TOLD THEM THIS IS OKAY! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.” Pot, meet Kettle.

Taylor and Andre are like “tell us where to go and we’ll like, go there I guess.” Idk. Everyone is like, “oh we’re so fucked.”

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan gently reminds the house that, indeed, they are so fucked.

Cas is up first and she picks Andre. He’s pretty much acting like she doesn’t exist while saying “I’m dating Taylor.” Rough life for little irrelevant Cas.

ANDRE TO CAS:

Alicia is like “I feel like I’m in the same boat as Cas.” Oh yeah, why don’t you take that boat back to your home on whore island?!

Ryan asks Ozzy about Hannah and how they are and he’s like “uh, uh, uh.” LOOK OZZY, we already have Joey on this show. We don’t need another speech impediment, mmkay?

OZZY: It’s been difficult for me to move on


RYAN: Yeah, two week relationships are hard like that

Ozzy and Alicia are together. Goodie.

Shannon and Tyler.

Taylor and Ozvaldo… wait what? They’re like “we’ve actually spoken once”. I’ve literally spoken to the barista at Starbucks more.

They have “no spark” which is code for “everyone knows Ozvaldo is gay.”

Ozvaldo remains the ultimate homie by saying he doesn’t want to fuck up Andre and Taylor’s thing—not like that was ever going to happen.

KARI and Derrick.

Rush Boobs and Joey.

Jaylan and Tee.

Hannah and Michael. Two giants taking on the world together.

Hannah is like “I don’t deserve this shit from Ozzy” and Ryan is like “you go girl.” Ryan is like, fasho a feminist.

Also, Michael looks like he could play the character of a random bouncer in a Law and Order SVU episode. Or the sex offender. Whatever.

Gianna picks Little Mike. Nothing makes Gianna’s dick harder than midgets.

Carolina and Hayden. Hayden says there may be potential and Caroline mumbles something into the distance.

Good news: No blackout. Bad news: 4 beams again

Remember when they were excited about four beams? #Tbt to week 3.

Ryan’s like “you guys are not doing this right” and it’s like WOW THANKS FOR THAT THRILLING INPUT. Kam encourages everyone to get sober and get to know each other, which like, why on earth would they do that?

Two things can happen next week—a miracle occurs and Jaylan gets 5 seconds of air time. OR they can continue to fuck this up.

Can’t wait to see more of you, Jaylan!