Great news for anyone who enjoys making their Sunday scaries significantly worse: Euphoria, the show about the high school kids who are single-handedly keeping I.AM.GIA in business has been picked up for a third season. As all viewers of the show know, even the tamest episode of Euphoria will have you stressed to the point that your Apple Watch starts yelling at you to take a one-minute breather. At any given moment, something horrible is happening to someone. With that said, despite all of the plot twists, the show is still weirdly predictable. Even with moments as shocking as (spoiler alert) Jules revealing that Rue’s drugs were flushed down the toilet, there are still plenty of Euphoria tropes that don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Although we don’t officially have any spoilers for Season 3, it’s safe to assume that a few things will happen.
1. Rue Will Wear That Maroon Sweatshirt
If there’s one thing Rue Bennett will do, it’s put on a maroon sweatshirt. While the majority of the Euphoria High girlies avoid repeating outfits with the same dedication they put toward avoiding their homework, Rue has proven that there’s nothing more relatable than having one hoodie that basically holds your entire life together.
2. Ashtray Will Beat The Shit Out Of Fully Grown Men
Okay, I have a confession. I spend a lot of time thinking about how Ashtray is such a legendary character because he’s a legit CHILD, yet beats the absolute living daylights out of big, scary, grown men whenever he feels like it. This is tragic because we had almost two and a half years in between the first and second seasons of Euphoria, and the longer they wait to film new episodes; the older this kid is going to get. I usually find solace in thinking about the fact that Ashtray will eventually get old enough to drive a car legally; he will never age out of his willingness to fully clock someone at a second’s notice.
3. Vape Girl (Aka Barbara “BB” Brooks) Will Make One Appearance That We’ll All Tweet About For No Less Than Four Days
I’m still mad that Sophia Rose Wilson, the actress who plays Vape Girl, didn’t snatch up an Emmy for her delivery of the line, “WORLDSTAR” in Season 1, but hopefully, the one minute she’ll likely be gracing our screens next season will be just as impactful.
4. Laurie’s Damn Birds Will Make Awkward Eye Contact With Whoever Enters Her Home
Why do I get secondhand embarrassment every time one of those creepy little birds locks eyes with someone? The creators of Euphoria insist on giving those birds as much screen time as possible without turning HBO into National Geographic. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon.
5. Nate Will Have Completely Out-Of-Pocket Fantasies About Reproducing
Nate Jacobs needs to learn that “I want to have your babies” is an unacceptable pickup line for anyone, let alone a boy who has yet to take the SATs. Unfortunately, this child’s obsession with getting someone pregnant the moment he decides he’s attracted to them appears to be a personality trait at this point. I genuinely believe the only way we can avoid another one of Nate’s strange pregnancy fantasies is for him to become a teen dad, and we all know that the last thing the world needs is another member of the Jacobs family.
6. Kat Will Be Like, “Guys, I Hate Ethan.”
With the exception of the epic scene in which Kat freaked out at a bunch of toxic positive body positivity influencers in a dream state, her entire storyline this season has been “I don’t like my boyfriend.” Through no fault of her own, she’s slowly turning into scripted TV’s version of those Real Housewives cast members that get the “friend of” shaft after giving us the same storyline for too long.
7. Cassie Will Be Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up
Cassie is the queen of the boogery, gooey, ugly crying face, and that is genuinely something that sticks with you for your entire life. I also highly doubt she’s going to grow out of being the kind of girl who throws up all over her monokini in a hot tub until at least her junior year of college. Honestly, I’m fine with this because it means Sydney Sweeney will continue to do the lord’s work and give us countless reaction GIFs for *fingers crossed* seasons to come.
Images: Marcell Rev/HBO; Giphy (4); Tenor; HBO (2)
First and foremost: THANK YOU. Last week I wrote my first Challenge recap for Betches, and the feedback was great! This week, I realize I’m a complete narcissist as I want nothing to do with this recap because, well, 1) I wasn’t in the episode, and 2) I went on a real bender this weekend. So while I nurse myself back to life with a Pedialite in hand, let’s dive into The Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 4…“The Affair.”
We begin the episode with a reminder of how lame Kyle has been acting and continues to act over the Cara/Paulie love triangle. Paulie was eliminated last week by #TeamKK, but apparently that wasn’t enough to rid us of this storyline. As a viewer, the more people hate Paulie in the house, the more I like him. This is standard of me if you know any of my previous/current love interests.
PaNatalie arrive at Redemption and they are PUMPED. Not only are they not out of the game, but they’ve been reunited with their besties from Big Brother. They quickly recap the elimination drama and Paulie relays that it was the Kyle/Cara situation that got them voted in. TBH it was more so the distaste for your partner, Natalie, by the majority of the house… but let’s keep this story line dragging another episode. It’s not like there aren’t 209023840234 other things we could be seeing right now. Davonne wonders why Paulie is creating enemies, but HEY, if there’s one sure way to get another Challenge call… that’s it.
*** And NO, CARA, I got the call way before I hated you. ***
At the main house, we are introduced to what hopefully will be a recurring accessory this season, Shane’s hair helmet.
Apparently Shane went off the deep end after Kyle implied that Shane may ALSO need hair plugs before purchasing this robo-cap. Brad asks the burning question, “You got headphones in that thing too?” But the helmet only plays music when connected to the OLD iPod. Here’s hoping Shane gets #UPGRADED to a bluetooth functional helmet after this episode airs.
After a full night of arguing, and Britni reassuring the other Redemption housemates that she still is, in fact, psycho for her ex-boyfriend, Chuck decides it’s time to make nice with his former fling. This makes Brit happy because she just wants to “be his friend again,” and by friend she means “one whom she occasionally swaps bodily fluids with.”
During a serious teeth cleaning (for real, I was impressed by his brushing skills), Paulie realizes Brit still loves Chuck and that he could use this information to help better his game. This is a good idea, Paulie needs all the help he can get right now… minus a cavity search. He proceeds to tell Brit/Chuck that he’s going to tell the house that they’ve been sleeping with each other, and I’m surprised Brit doesn’t flip out… most likely because she too wishes this into existence. #Memories
Serious girl chat is taking place between Kayleigh, Bananas, Zach, and CT at the main house. Kayleigh recaps why she and Nelson had a falling out while the boys enlighten us on different slang words for “vagina.” I have personally never heard “fur burger” as a vagina reference before, but I hope to never hear it again.
Fast forward to a heart-to-heart between Zach and Nelson, and I think my eyes are permanently stuck from rolling so hard. In brief, Zach tells Nelson that in order to have a working relationship on the show, Nelson needs to find himself a “Jenna.” AKA Nelson needs to find a girl who loves him SO MUCH that she will put up with any and all f*ckboy stuff he does. I have a feeling Jenna and Kayleigh can’t relate in this sense, and therefore, neither do Nelson and Zach. NEXT!
In the living room, Shane confronts Johnny about voting him and Nelson in. Johnny retaliates by telling Shane he doesn’t know how to “play the game,” BUT Shane clearly knows how to count, so…? Shut up, John. Where’s Angela to save his storyline when we need her?
At this point I’ve been scrolling Instagram so deeply that I’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to be doing. A Bruno Mars song brings me back to life as we get a BanAngela scene. While Johnny lathers Ang in baby oil, the cast gives their two cents on this budding new relationship. Kam lets everyone know that Angela has a boyfriend at home and should be focusing on her female relationships in the house instead of a fruit. I don’t have much to say about this, BUT I CANNOT wait for the Twitter drama/Youtube recaps this segment will be sure to produce.
We get a glimpse into the dynamic of another house relationship between Kay and Nelson. Kayleigh is ME, and most likely you, when she tells Nelson that she said, and will continue to say, mean things about her ex because he hurt her. BTW: My ex definitely has herpes. Just saying.
At Redemption, life is hard. Britni still hasn’t found pants and can’t pop a pimple on her chest. Jenna then gets a clue from TJ saying “it’s time to see who’s going to be playing in the four horseman of the apocalypse.” I’m not sure why they chose to run with the “Horseman” thing, but it’s weird.
We get a double-cross situation that will allow the team who chooses it to pick their opponent, and I AM PISSED. WHY DID BB pick first?! My dreams of a full Jemmye-driven interview season is slowly dwindling before my eyes.
***Insider info: After this double-cross took place, the rules were changed in terms of picking order***
At Armageddon, the main house and Redemption house are rejoined while TJ explains the double-cross rules. Paulie explains that since he can’t get at Zach and Brad, he will instead go after “their girls.” Amanda calls Paulie a loser in her interview, and I think so too. Clearly you stuck with Big Brother because you’re from….. Big Brother… but keep making everyone in the house hate you.
Yada yada yada … Paulie talks a big game and AGAIN can’t back it up in elimination. Natalie and Paulie lose and are sent BACK to the Redemption house while Jozea/Davonne rejoin the main house. Here’s hoping Day brings those FIRE interviews with her!!
Before I close out this recap, I have an important message to the fans. I know things may have been moving slow in terms of gameplay and a lot of people have complained about the drama thus far—but I promise we are finally where we need to be. NEXT WEEK, The Challenge we all know and love is back with a VENGEANCE!!
Tune in next week to The Challenge: Final Reckoning on Tuesday 9/8c on MTV!
Images: MTV (2); Giphy 2)