I may be twenty *cough* years old, but no matter how many undereye wrinkles I get, one thing remains the same: I am a slut for teen dramas. Give me a hot cast, lots of sex, unrealistic plotlines, and meme-worthy dialogue, and you have yourself a fan. From Gossip Girl to Vampire Diaries, Riverdale to Pretty Little Liars, I’ve seen them all more times than I’d care to admit. The newest addition to my shameful series obsession is, of course, Netflix’s perfect scandy, soapy quarantine distraction: Outer Banks.
First thing’s first: The series, starring a couple of twenty-somethings playing teens who gained Insta-fame overnight, is solid gold. It makes sense Netflix picked it up and it makes even more sense why it was an instant success. A whole bunch of beachy high schoolers on a deadly hunt for treasure while things like parents, class status, sex, and natural disasters get in the way is the whole reason television was invented. Still, though the show is a bonafide success, just like with our other fave teen dramas, there are plenty of plot points and elements that make absolutely no sense. Gotta love how much we’ll all suspend our disbelief when it involves tanned people with daddy issues.
1. The “Teens”
This is the one aspect that the internet has really clung onto and like, I get it. The show is centered around OBXers ranging from 13 (Sarah’s sister) to 19 (her brother, Rafe) with the core crew being around 16. While that’s the perfect age for a series about first loves and eternal summer vibes, it’s not exactly the age the cast looks, which haters obsessed over. Chase Stokes (John B.) is 27, Madeline Cline (Sarah) is 22, and the rest of the Pogues are all 21.
While this is one of the biggest quips viewers had, I didn’t really give a sh*t. The industry has to do that to overcome things like age restrictions and underage employment laws, and the fact that they can all legally buy booze makes me feel a little less grimy for lusting after them. If the person who played JJ or John B. was actually 16, we’d all be going to prison right about now. Still, even I have to admit John B. looks closer to middle age than he does to graduating high school.
2. Sarah Understands Her Demons
At 16, I didn’t know what childhood trauma was, let alone that I’d spend many years and many hundreds of dollars in therapy because my parents never got me an American Girl doll. Sarah, on the other hand, seems to have a full-on grasp of her toxic trait: not getting attached to people. When Kiara confronts her about ghosting on their best friendship, Sarah said, “When people get close to me, I feel trapped and I bail. And then I blame them for it.”
While that’s a very honest response followed up with a heartfelt apology that resulted in the two reconciling, that’s not how most 16-year-old girls would act, let alone talk. She communicates clearly with John B. before (assumingly) losing her virginity and she manages to keep a level head when he talks about how he lost his, something I at 16 could not fathom doing. Unless teens now have the emotional intelligence of 30-somethings who have spent a lot of time working on themselves, I’m calling bullsh*t. At least she said she’d rather die than live without John B. him even though she knew him for like, a month. That helped tbh.
3. John B.’s MANY Escapes From Death
After getting pushed out of a tower, fleeing gunshots and criminals, evading death by both a gaff hook and a plane at the hands of his girlfriend’s father and then, of course, living through his boat capsizing during a hurricane and being FOUND and RESCUED, it’s clear John B. can’t die. I mean, if he could, he’d have been dead probably long before the series even started (or at least at the very start when he was drinking while balancing on a roof with one foot, which is literally making my palms sweaty just thinking about).
“I don’t know how many lives got left, at this point,” Chase Stokes told Bustle, indicating that even he realizes just how absurd it is that his character walked away from season one with nothing more than a concussion, a broken arm, and some majorly chapped lips.
4. Kiara Didn’t Hook Up With Anyone
It’s clear every single “teen” (lol) on the show had the hots for Kiara. JJ tried to hook up with her before, John B. kissed her and she turned him down, and it seems she ends up with Pope at the end of the first season (which might actually be the most unrealistic part of the entire series). The Kooks nod at how hot she is at the Midsummer’s ball, even if they’re being d*cks about it. Hell, there are even a few moments with Sarah when it seems like something could happen. I mean, that boat sleepover was low-key steamy.
Granted, maybe she’s just waiting for the right person and like, fine. But does she have eyes? Literally 100% of these people are hot and horny for her. Personally, I’d opt for a Sarah-John B. threesome, but that’s just me. The fact that she, a single 16-year-old (well, played by a 21-year-old) in her prime with the hottest humans in the world drooling at her feet, ONLY KISSES the person with whom she has the least sexual chemistry in the entire show with is a TRAGEDY.
5. They Find The F*cking Gold
Now, I might have been looking at my phone most of the time while watching the show, but hasn’t this treasure been missing for a long-ass time? So long, in fact, that John B.’s dad spent his entire career on the hunt and literally died looking for it? I get it — debris was sturred up after a storm, the Pogues found a key clue which led to another clue which led to them breaking into an old lady’s well and causing an Island-wide battle for the gold. Still, people’s jobs, careers, and lives were dedicated to finding the treasure for decades.
During the pilot episode, a museum worker says, “The Royal Merchant sunk in the great storm of 1829 with $400 million of British government gold on board.” People have been looking for this gold since 1829 and a group of sexually-charged teens manages to find it within a few months while also juggling family drama, budding relationships, and consuming vast amounts of alcohol? Yeah, that checks out… Finger’s crossed season two will happen and be just as juicy and far-fetched!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3)
Welcome back, Riverdale fam! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat since last week’s episode when we learned that Veronica thought “film noir” meant “hats, but make it fashion.” Other things that happened last week that were just as upsetting as Veronica’s choice in accessories: Archie is single, stupid, and without a legitimate excuse to take off his shirt each episode. I’m v worried about his emotional well-being. Betty was still rekindling her relationship with her father despite the fact that he murdered all of her friends, and Veronica set fire to Hiram’s entire drug stash before Hermione could profit from it. I applaud that level of pettiness. And if you think that sounds like hot garbage masked as quality television, that’s because it absolutely is.
Jughead starts this week off by declaring that Riverdale is “Bizarro Town” and that point is driven home by the fact that the writers decided to give secondary characters a minute of screen time without Archie, Jughead, Betty, or Veronica f*cking it up with their personal problems. It’s announced that the former Sheriff Keller and the former Mayor McCoy are getting married and I’m here for it. In fact, please show more of it. Anything to see those abs.
Cut to Cheryl and TT who are fondling each other in bed. Really? Red satin sheets? Like, we get it. They’re living in sin. Lesbianism isn’t that shocking anymore, CW!!
Cheryl says that she feels sooooo blessed to finally be sleeping in a bed and not in the tent city anymore. TT’s like “yeah we’re away from the cold and the maggots.” THE COLD AND THE MAGGOTS. I’m sorry, WHAT. I mean, I knew the Serpents’ tent city should be condemned, but this is outrageous. Also, do we think the writers got their inspiration from all the Fyre Festival footage and were like, “imagine where those rich kids thought they were going to a music festival, but make it where Riverdale’s discarded youth will live indefinitely.”
Meanwhile, Veronica finds out that you can’t just burn your mother’s drugs and get away with it. Funny. I thought the first time she’d learn there are consequences to her actions would be, like, literally any other way, but sure, have her first life lesson involve broken kneecaps.
Okay, yes I am LIVING for more Kevin/Moose content. Or really any content that involves more of Kevin’s one-liners.
I will say that it’s weird that all of a sudden the writers are pretending like these secondary characters are actually important. First Kevin and Moose and now Josie and Sweet Pea?? First of all, I forgot those two were even a thing. I’m pretty sure we saw one closed-mouth kiss from them, like, episode one and then it was promptly forgotten about. I wonder whose ego they had to fondle in the writer’s room to get a little screen time.
Speaking of random acts of kindness, The CW must think I’ve been a good girl this season because TOMMY HOTTIE IS BACK Y’ALL. Tommy Keller and Mayor McCoy are getting it on in a hotel room and I can’t even focus on the fact that they’re trying to shove more Gargoyle King madness down my throat because did you see those abs? I. Can’t. F*cking. Breathe.
Mayor McCoy finds a sealed letter from the Gargoyle King asking them to finish ascension night with the rest of the parents. Is it just me, or is the Gargoyle King acting VERY petty rn? Like, he didn’t get invited to the wedding, so now he’s blackmailing the happy couple to force them to hang out with him? That’s so disturbed inspired and I am definitely going to incorporate that into my wedding season strategy this year.
Cheryl takes a break from being fabulous to fat shame Kevin out of eating carbs and bond with him over his relationship woes, because I guess now that she’s a lesbian she suddenly grew a heart? Like, has Cheryl said anything nice to Kevin ever? I don’t know where this sympathetic attitude is coming from, and I don’t like it.
Kevin tells Cheryl about how Moose is afraid to come out and Cheryl is just like “you should move on.” Which is such a standard condescending piece of advice that someone in a relationship would give.
KEVIN: I can’t go back to picking up guys in the woods.
CHERYL: Uh, no. Have you heard of dating apps?
THANK YOU CHERYL. Like, please explain to him that he doesn’t have to prostitute himself out in the woods. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake.
Okay, WHAT. Did Cheryl just out Moose over the loudspeaker in between announcing the lunch menu and dates for the upcoming pep rally?? That is so wrong, I can’t.
Archie finds Josie in the music room crying over her upcoming audition to Juilliard, and the whole thing just feels forced. I don’t like that they’re shoving this Archie/Josie relationship down our throats just because Josie is the only single girl left in Riverdale and Archie is contractually obligated to get his dick wet at least once an episode.
Elsewhere, Veronica is trying to figure out where she’s going to get the money to pay off her mother’s drug buyers. I guess half priced mocktails at her speakeasy’s ladies night isn’t going to cut it.
I’m sorry, but did Reggie just seriously suggest they rob his daddy’s dealership for the extra cash?? I’ve had pizza in my fridge for longer than they’ve been together and he’s already willing to rip off his flesh and blood for her? Damn. That’s devotion.
VERONICA: It’s lunacy. But it’s inspired lunacy.
No, it’s robbery. And it’s a felony in most states, you dipsh*ts! It’s certainly not going to be as easy as grabbing the money while your dad is at work. I swear to god, if Veronica’s solution to getting away with this heist is to go shopping for new wigs then I’m out, y’all. I. Am. Out.
Sidenote: why did this entire robbery conversation feel like foreplay? Can just one of these teenagers have normal sexual habits, please?
Meanwhile, the midnight club is newly reunited, and they’re banding together to finish the G&G game they started back in high school. Is it just me or have we seen this episode before, and it was called Jumanji?
SHERIFF KELLER: Let’s finish what we started.
ALSO SHERIFF KELLER:
Oh, what do you know? I guess armed robbery wasn’t as easy as Veronica and Reggie thought it would be. Imagine! Veronica shows up dressed for the robbery like she finally put her Thelma and Louise Pinterest board to good use. I f*cking can’t with her extraness lately. She is out of control.
Lolololol. Reggie gets shot and their money bag explodes with a dye pack, which is exactly the outcome these two morons deserve. Like, if they had done exactly one Google search in preparation for this heist, they might have foreseen some of these obstacles.
Speaking of morons, Archie escorts Josie to her audition because I guess The CW is trying going make this happen whether we want it to or not. Why else would he suddenly be besties with Josie if not to get laid in the very near future?
Josie starts having a meltdown at Pop’s because she didn’t get into Juilliard. She’s crying about how nobody loves her and she has no plans and her life is falling apart and it’s very similar to what I do every single day in my car three seconds after pulling out of my office’s parking lot.
JOSIE: *wails* But I killed that interview!!
ARCHIE: *completely monotone* That’s crazy. They don’t deserve you.
JOSIE:
NO NO NO NO NO. You can’t just pair people up together because there’s literally no one else! This isn’t Noah’s freaking Ark!
Moose tells Kevin that he came out and he wants to celebrate by “doing it,” because that sounds like a person who’s emotionally ready to lose their virginity.
OMG WHAT. Gladys is the drug buyer Hermione is so afraid of that she would literally sacrifice her first born child to them. I’m shocked, because the only thing I find scary about her is her crow’s feet.
GLADYS: Oh great. More teenagers.
^^Something I say at 8pm every Wednesday night
Okay, she’s being surprisingly nice for a drug dealer. She’s going to take their tainted money even though she 100 percent can’t use it, and all she wants in return is Reggie’s car. Veronica, being Veronica, immediately acts ungrateful. She’s like, “but he loves that car!!” and, like, it’s either his ride or his kneecaps, you choose bitch.
Meanwhile, the Midnight Club is back and ready to party play with poison. They figure out pretty quickly that this gathering was just an elaborate ploy for the Gargoyle King to get to their kids while they’re unsupervised. Lol. As if these kids have ever been supervised a day in their goddamn lives.
And look! There they all are in various states of undress. The parents start calling all of their respective kids and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is in the middle of some sort of sexual act. It’s like watching a full-blown orgy on my screen. Tbh I think what’s more unrealistic is that any of these kids would pick up their phones that quickly.
Kevin is the only one unaccounted for, and because we can’t have nice things, his first time is ruined by the Gargoyle King and his gang. Y’all, I’m so upset. Archie and Veronica get to bang on every goddamn surface in Riverdale but Kevin can’t have one night?? #JusticeForKevin
We find out that the Gargoyle King is actually Moose’s dad, Major Mason, which I could have called from a mile away. This is the only reason why the Riverdale writers gave any of these characters the time of day this episode, and it’s pissing me off.
Apparently Major Mason was jealous that Moose was seeing his former high school crush’s son. So, let me get this straight. Moose’s dad and Kevin’s dad were best friends and Moose’s dad tried to kiss Kevin’s dad back in the day. Why is this show so goddamn incestuous?? It’s like history repeating itself except they’ve all slept with each other in some way, shape, or form.
FP: You can’t just kidnap and terrorize your kid!
MAJOR MASON: This is Riverdale, what’s your point?
Well, when he’s right he’s right.
Gladys and Jelly Bean show up at FP and Jughead’s trailer and they’re moving in. They want to be a part of their lives now and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the drug sale that went down earlier in the episode…
Oh GOD. Archie is back to singing and I don’t know what I did to deserve this. He’s like “yeah and the worst part about Kevin and Moose being kidnapped and almost gay bashed is that I couldn’t sing with you!” You gotta have your priorities straight, don’t ya, Arch?
Moose leaves town to deal with everything, and breaks up with Kevin in the process. He’s back to being the only gay person in Riverdale. I’m sure his next lover will turn out to be a homicidal murderer, because The CW doesn’t want Kevin to find love. Again, I say #JUSTICEFORKEVIN.
Meanwhile, Cheryl gets TT her own gang and even an early admission to college! Literally the only thing a boyfriend ever gave me was a handwritten note that said “we need more milk”, but okay. Their gang name is the Pretty Poisons because they’re “pretty by day and poison by night” and I am absolutely adding that line to my dating app bio.
NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO. Archie and Josie start making out mid-song because, while murder is Bughead’s foreplay, singing is Archie’s. I want to die. There’s absolutely ZERO chemistry between the two of them and I hate that the CW is forcing this relationship on us like they forced us to be okay with Betty’s BDSM habit as a minor.
And on that note, I’m out Betches! If you need me I’ll be taking to my Instagram DMs to fight @writerras about justice for Kevin. Toodles!
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (2); @writerras /Instagram (2)
Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, mostly what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would willingly rent out their cabin in the woods to a 17-year-old whose background check reads “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I thought any of those questions could actually be answered without opening another plot hole the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that note, let’s just dive right in.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off my prayers had been answered Archie had been mauled by a bear. Lol. After the attack he slipped into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then tried to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??
Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s making passive-aggressive comments about Archie’s new hair color, and this is a level of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to death by a wild animal and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.
JUGHEAD: He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.
You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I love it!
Okay, also, can we take a minute to talk about said grizzly attack? Like, the last we saw of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, bleeding to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I mean, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the hell was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical bills? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her know that he’s back in town and I sincerely hope she beats him to death with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any scene that involves a man groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh*t.
VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?
Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.
Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me?” and when Archie gives her a vague shrug as his answer, she immediately suggests doggy style behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.
Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not only is he brunette, but he doesn’t even have the same drink order any more! Okay, stop it. I’m worried now.
BETTY: Why didn’t you order a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer floats now.
HIS FRIENDS:
Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.
Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden acting like these kids go to school. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study?” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?
Betty’s card gets denied at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. The card getting denied part, not a teenager learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mom maxed out all of her credit cards, but she’s also drained all of her savings and college funds and given it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.
Okay, STOP. The principal also suddenly cares about academics?? Why is this show suddenly being logical? Are the writers finally reading my burn book recaps? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.
I don’t trust any of this.
HAHA. The principal wants Archie to repeat his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you spent the first half of the school year in prison and the second half as a walking ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t just pass you to the next grade because you look good with your shirt off. Come on.
Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t responded to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k?” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who thought the SATs was a new music festival. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.
Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limitations. And by limitations I mean that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.
JUGHEAD: Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” mean?
ARCHIE:
Lol. Yeah, this kid is going far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.
Okay, Veronica is bold. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me serenade you” and I just vomited in my mouth a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone please make the random acts of singing stop.
Archie starts having flashbacks to his vision quest and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore!” And it’s like, did he ever, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!
Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one.
HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the attack and I just snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a cat scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw marks from a bear? There’s barely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!
Meanwhile, Betty does what I do every time my mother asks me if I really need all those iced coffees and to “learn to save”: asks daddy for money. She’s like “mom can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a man with IRON BARS separating him from society. K.
It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the day. He’s like “they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing crop tops during her first trimester! Finding out that Penelope actually marries her adopted brother! I’m not comfortable with how much time I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.
Also, is it just me, or is listening to their father/daughter bonding time a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo episode?
BETTY: I solved your murders, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!
Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was going undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.
It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree monster/pretend Gargoyle King who has been terrorizing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels completely random and not at all like the writers played 52 pickup with the cast’s headshots to see who would be the villain this season.
Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girl three minutes after dumping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a river, Red.
Betty confronts Penelope Blossom about visiting her dad in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on brand for her character.
BETTY: Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE: As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.
BETTY:
Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all seen your wig, honey!
I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last bang? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup sex please?” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, girlfriend.
Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.
It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his name. His combined score on the practice test was 600 so I’m not confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the room and immediately has a panic attack.
Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.
Wait. Holy sh*t. Is Hiram dead?? Did someone just shoot him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long day of number two pencils and standardized test taking…
Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.
VERONICA: He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE: Lol r u serious?
The boy has a point, V! In all honesty, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand plan to escape prison involved rushing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset.
Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have shot Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a body before. Body disposal is kind of his foreplay.
WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in my life. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the plot hole that is a convicted felon taking over a vacant sheriff position. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it.
And on that note, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling “Skeet Ulrich smoke show” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (3);
Welcome back, Riverdale fans! After a too-brief hiatus, the show we love to hate is back and probably more batsh*t than ever. I’m going into this episode with a little bit of trepidation because I’ve seen what the writers of this show can do with only one week to write material, so I’m downright terrified to see what they can come up with when they’re well-rested after a four week break. Case in point: When last we left off, Archie and Veronica had broken up, Betty had escaped the nunnery/insane asylum and, oh yeah, Hiram and his thugs QUARANTINED the entire town of Riverdale just for funsies. Again, I say, this is what happened when the writers were given one week to let their imaginations run rampant. I shudder to think what we’re about to watch on our screens. So let’s get started!
Lol I forgot Archie was running away to Canada. Honestly, I can’t fault him for it. With all the sh*t I saw in 2018, I’m one State of the Union address away from moving there as well. It looks like Archie fled the country at the right time, because things in Riverdale don’t look great rn. And by “don’t look great,” I mean this would qualify as a national emergency if the writers of this show wrote within the realm of reality, but okay.
At least the quarantine was lifted, even though no one is explaining why it even happened in the first place?? Like, I’ve swallowed every piece of bullsh*t @writerras tries to spoon-feed me on Wednesday nights, but this I refuse to accept. An entire town thrown into a Purge-like state at the whims of a drug lord?? They’re in the state of New York, for god’s sake! At the very least, PEOPLE magazine would be sniffing around for a cover story to exploit to the masses. Please!
Since the quarantine, Cheryl and “TT” have apparently taken up stealing from the rich to give to themselves but, like, isn’t Cheryl the richest person in that town? I thought her family’s maple syrup paid for the town to, like, exist? Just because you wear leather and found lesbianism doesn’t mean you’re one with the people, Cheryl!
Lest you forget where you came from, Cheryl.
Also, Veronica is now selling booze at her speakeasy. I guess she finally learned that sober people don’t spend as much money. What, they didn’t teach you that in business school, V?
Also, I’m confused. Is she selling the booze to her high school friends or is she only serving people of age? Who would come to a speakeasy populated by high schoolers with a penchant for wearing fringe and suspenders?? WHO.
Meanwhile, Betty brought the runaways from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy to her house. They’re all camping out in her living room, and Alice is surprisingly chill with this. She has legit mental patients sleeping on a mattress in her breakfast nook and she’s like, “As long as you feed them, Betty, and they don’t mess on the floor…”
JUGHEAD: It doesn’t make sense for Hiram to quarantine an entire town.
NO IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, JUGHEAD. Thank you!
Honestly, I’m so over this entire Hiram plotline. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. First, Hiram’s big diabolical plan is to create more prison jobs, then he wants to turn an entire town into his personal meth lab. I ASK YOU: WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END. Kelly Ripa, please invest your money in some other show and leave ours alone. I’m begging you.
I love that all Archie needs is an L.L. Bean vest and he’s at peace with himself. Like, he is living his best cabin life, and I’m shocked things are working out so well for him. Whatever. I’m just glad the dog is still alive.
Wait. I may have spoken too soon here. Three seconds into Archie’s blissful cabin life he’s… mauled by a grizzly bear?? I’m sorry, but WHAT?? I mean, we don’t actually see the mauling (shame); we just see Archie looking shocked for a second and then the scene cuts to him radioing for help with massive cuts down his chest. All I have to say is, wow. The lengths The CW will go to to incorporate a shirtless scene for Archie where there should not be one is wild. I applaud their efforts.
Also, what’s the deal with the radios? Who is he even talking to? I thought he was supposed to be living off the grid! Who wants to bet that the person on the other end of the line is a hot girl? It would not surprise me in the slightest if that even in utter seclusion Archie has somehow managed to get laid.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is just trying to run an entire bar and maybe show up to homeroom this week, but Hiram keeps f*cking it up. His thugs keep stealing her booze, and he wants her to hire him for protection. I guess in addition to commandeering entire town, he’s also taken up shaking down underage kids while wearing a fabulous fur coat. Jesus Christ. Kelly Ripa wrote this scene, I just f*cking know it. The fur jacket is her calling card.
Meanwhile, Jughead finds out that The Serpents are dealing Fizzle Rocks and he calls an emergency meeting in Riverdale’s version of Hooverville. Seriously, Jughead is using an abandoned La-Z-Boy as his throne. I can’t.
Fangs is like, “There’s no money coming in, how are we supposed to feed ourselves?” Um, IDK, maybe your parents?? Or, like, the government?? Like, he’s under 18. Surely this lawless town has some sort of system in place to protect unaccompanied minors? Also, I love that Jughead, who is literally the same age as Fangs, is doling out judgments and punishments over here. Like, Fangs, look around you buddy. You’re living in an abandoned field and taking orders from the president of the newspaper club. Please, dear GOD, just find a real adult already!
Cut to Archie, who is having some sort of fever dream from his extensive grizzly bear wounds. He wakes up to a room full of dead people trying to play boards game with him. He’s like “I’m hallucinating” and it’s like, no, the writers of this show are hallucinating if they think I’m just going to buy this bullsh*t for one more goddamn second!
THE RIVERDALE WRITERS ROOM: We’ll put Archie in a fever dream and set him up with a vision quest. It’s weird, but he’ll be shirtless. Fans will love it!
ME:
Veronica and Jughead come up with a solution to solve both their problems. Veronica doesn’t want to give her dad a single penny of her speakeasy money even though she lives under his roof and he’s probably paying her cellphone bill. Relatable. She decides to hire The Serpents as protection instead.
Jughead’s like, “This is so great now you guys will have a stable income!!,” and it’s like, okay, but HOW much is Veronica paying these people? Like, what do you mean “a steady income”? This bitch is 17! I was thinking like paying one guy $12 an hour and Jughead is making it sound like they’ll make enough money to cover Fang’s mom’s cancer treatment. Is she also supplying health insurance? How much money can she possibly be making serving mocktails and marketing a keg of Natty Lite as artisanal beer?
Before Veronica can hire any Serpents, she wants Jughead to get back the v expensive egg Cheryl and TT stole from her dad, which is like the richest request I’ve ever heard. Cheryl doesn’t want to give the egg back, though, because she needs it to keep the lights on at her mansion. Lol k.
CHERYL: I’m not afraid of Hiram. What’s he gonna do? Call the sheriff? There is no sheriff!
Out of the mouths of Cheryl! Riverdale is a godless town.
Jughead banishes Fangs, Cheryl, and Toni from The Serpents because they’re sullying the Serpent name with their criminal behavior. K. So, let me get this straight. They get to leave the tent city and not take orders from someone who just started shaving last semester? I mean, who really won here?
Lol Archie’s vision quest wants him to play more guitar. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s going to use this whole experience as material for the next school talent show. God help us all.
The gargoyle gang attacks Veronica’s shipment again and it’s all very Robin Hood. Like, is that a wagon hauling their booze down that dirt path? They are aware that this is the 21st century and they can use, like, the highway to get places, right? Also, this is so extra, even for Veronica.
After defeating Hiram’s thugs, Jughead declares that “Riverdale hasn’t fallen yet” and I absolutely beg to differ. Riverdale has fallen somewhere very dark and I’m scared to follow. Someone please save this show from itself.
Meanwhile, Archie is still struggling with his vision quest. He’s realizing that the only person responsible for his banishment to Canada is actually himself. Not Hiram or the Black Hood or the diabolical teen fight club, but his own ignorant self. Is this the part where we hang him in the town square? Because that’s the first plotline I’ve supported all season.
ARCHIE: I have to destroy the part of me that’s stupid.
ME: I guess we’re going to be here for a while then.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is out eye-f*cking Reggie as she headlines her own club. I guess she can’t spring for entertainment anymore if she has to pay for an entire gang’s health insurance. Also, does anyone else feel like this whole Reggie/Veronica storyline was only created because they started dating in real life? This feels extremely random to me. Veronica and Reggie start making out and the camera cuts to Archie who’s…dead?? Like, WHAT. Some cops bust into his cabin and find him deadass on the bed.
Wait that was actually real? Are pigs flying? Have my prayers been answered? ARE WE REALLY DONE WITH ARCHIE? On the one hand, it’s everything I’ve ever asked for. On the other hand, if Archie’s not there to screw up a murder investigation or sleep with the first woman who gives him attention, what will I have to talk to about??
Well pals, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Archie’s actually dead. I’ll hold off on the bubbly until then. Let’s just pray next week is less of a snooze, amiright?
Images: Giphy (2); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
After a brief hiatus, Riverdale is back on its bullsh*t to its regularly scheduled programing. Thank god. I don’t know what I’m more grateful for this year: my health and happiness or that Archie might be dying from his brand wound. Lol like I have health or happiness. Now, if you’ll recall, in the last episode five members of Riverdale High’s junior class managed to break Archie out of prison with nothing but a blonde wig and a stink bomb. A BLONDE WIG AND A STINK BOMB. If you think that sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, that’s because it absolutely is. What can I say? I don’t write the show; I just watch it. God help me. And on that note, shall we find out how far the Riverdale writers are going to stretch the realm of reality this episode?
The episode starts with a close up of Archie’s abs, lest we forget what he’s good for on this show. No need, CW, I know exactly how far KJ Apa’s acting abilities stretch!
Archie is still chilling in Dilton’s bunker/Bughead’s sex den with some sort of fever? Idk. He’s sweating and breathing heavy so he’s either trying to rub his remaining two brain cells together or his classmates did a sh*tty job of taking care of his branding wound. So you can solve town murders, break someone out of prison, AND make honor roll but your triage skills are only average? I guess you really can’t have it all, can you Betty?
Oh right I totally forgot about Jughead seeing the Gargoyle King last episode. He runs into the bunker and tells Betty what he saw, but it’s suspect at best. If the writers of this show want me to believe that Jughead actually saw a supernatural being and not just a manifestation of his cocaine addiction, then they need to try harder.
Betty comes home and Alice is only mildly concerned that her 17-year-old daughter has been missing for 48 hours. I feel like Alice is being way too chill about this. My mother has been known to Facebook message my boss about my whereabouts if I don’t return her calls by the time I get to work, and I’m 26.
ALICE: Did you help break your friend out of prison last night?
BETTY: No, I was just with Jughead all night.
I’M SORRY BUT IS THAT BETTER?? Lol remember when Alice used to get outraged over Betty wearing red lipstick and now she doesn’t even bat an eye when Betty says she’s been out fornicating with her boyfriend for two days? Simpler times.
Back at the bunker, Archie and Veronica are still banging on every visible surface. First Betty and Jughead, now Archie and Veronica. Please tell me someone is washing those sheets in between uses.
Archie wants to go find the guys that Hiram paid off to lie about Archie being at the crime scene, and it’s like ARE YOU STUPID BRO?? Literally the entire town is out sharpening their pitchforks over your ass rn and you think it’s a good time for a road trip? You know what, Archie? You deserve prison. Bye.
Cut to Riverdale High where the Sheriff is interrogating a room full of minors (without their parents’ consent!!!) about Archie’s escape. He’s like “if you helped him escape then there will be no more football practice or music rooms for you. Just prison.” First of all, I know for a fact that the Riverdale juvenile detention center has both football AND a music room, so you’re gonna have to try harder than that to break these kids.
He starts in on Josie and she immediately starts to seize. Why do I feel like it’s going to come out that this is another “stress seizure” induced from too much Adderall? I love that the writers of this show are like “it’s chill to bang your boyfriend in a prison locker room but just don’t do Adderall!! It’s a slippery slope.”
Lol I forgot about the tent city. Sweet Pea’s like “they’re tearing apart the city looking for Archie!!” and it’s like, no, sweetie. They’re just lifting up some tent flaps. This is not so much a city as it is dumpster site, but okay.
Okay, wait. Betty’s master plan for getting all the parents to tell the truth is to lure them to Veronica’s lame club with fake invitations. That’s it? I love how they’re all like “damn it, she got us.” I’m sorry, but, like, is there a gun to your head? No?? Then just f*cking leave! It’s not like you’re being held against your will! You’re adults, for god’s sake!
I think it’s funny that Betty still refers to Hiram, the man who imprisoned her friend and set metaphorical fire to everything her boyfriend knows and loves, as “Mr. Lodge.” Always so polite.
Hiram basically tells Betty to f*ck off and that he’s a very busy man and doesn’t have time to play Law and Order with his daughter’s best friend. THANK YOU, HIRAM. That’s what I’ve been saying here!
Okay, WHAT. Penelope says that Dilton Doily’s dad poisoned the principal back in high school, which feels super convenient because he’s dead now.
FP finds Jughead and handcuffs him to the fridge so he won’t play any more board games behind his back. FP is all “you sound like an addict, Jughead!” And it’s, like, maybe he is one though? Because that would make way more sense than the tree creature thing.
Meanwhile, Veronica is off running her one-woman innocence project. She’s determined to prove Archie’s innocence by homecoming. Anything for the Instagram, amiright, Veronica?
She finds some doctored video footage that could get Archie released and prove that Hiram bribed the witnesses to say Archie was the murderer. And by “could get released” I mean only in this REALM OF ABSURDITY because the evidence is flimsy at best. I would love to see her plead this case in front of a judge: “but the coffee cup was empty, your honor!!”
VERONICA: *finds evidence once*
ALSO VERONICA:
Cut to Archie, who did in fact leave the safety of the bunker and is off with Kevin to track down the witnesses. But don’t worry, people, he is wearing a disguise! A sweatshirt and a RED baseball cap that perfectly accentuates his flaming head, but a disguise nonetheless!! God I bet his parents wish they had never procreated.
Jughead tracks down Joaquin and starts interrogating him like a sister who had her shirt borrowed. There’s a lot of empty threats and hair pulling. Honestly, I expected more from a gang leader, but fine. Joaquin says that the warden was forced to play G&G too and that Archie had to die, which is literally everything they already knew. Jughead, maybe you should try saying you’ll tell mom if he doesn’t confess! That always worked for me.
Joaquin says that the warden met with “a man in a suit” and everyone thinks that means Hiram because I guess he’s the only one who wears those kinds of things. Jughead goes to confront him and I seriously hope he has another plan for getting information out of Hiram other than the “just please tell me” strategy he was using before.
JUGHEAD: You’re more than just a Kingpin, you’re the Gargoyle King.
Lol. First of all, I think it’s a stretch to call Hiram a “Kingpin” of anything. I’ve literally seen more frightening people on New Jersey transit. It doesn’t help that every time I look at Hiram all I can think is “Kelly Ripa paid for this role for you.”
Elsewhere, Betty is killing time at the coroner’s office. Like, can’t you just hang out in a mall or something? Why are you like this?
Also, calling it right now, the coroner is the Gargoyle King. That man and his shifty eyes are way too creepy to not be involved somehow. He tells Betty that Doily Sr. didn’t die of a suicide but was poisoned. Why he’s telling a high school junior anything other than “I’m calling your mom” is beyond me, but okay.
Archie and Kevin find the witnesses in a super sketchy cave. It’s unclear as to why this is the first place they thought to look. And before you come @ me in the comments, I’m sure this was explained at some point in the episode but every time Archie comes on screen I have a habit of blocking it out.
All of the witnesses are dead except one and OF COURSE Archie wants to him to a hospital. Do you know what it is to be a fugitive? You’re supposed to lay low. Not get in the middle of another murder investigation!!
OMG WHAT. Joaquin is dead?? Jughead finds him in the middle of Hooverville Serpent territory with blue lips and a bloody symbol on his head. Honestly, it looks less like he was poisoned and more like he experimented with a Kylie lip kit, but I’ll let Jughead be the judge of what happened.
Okay, but why does Betty have to turn every family dinner into an interrogation? She comes home, finds Alice cooking dinner, and immediately starts in on her for covering up the Doily murder.
BETTY: Care to explain why you covered up another murder?
ALICE: CAN I LIVE?
MY GOD Betty, let the woman live! She’s over here making a three course meal, and your ungrateful ass is still hung up on this crime? At least she didn’t actually murder anybody this time (probably).
OH SH*T. The power goes out mid-interrogation and the Gargoyle King is in their goddamn house. IN THE HOUSE. They run upstairs and lock themselves in Betty’s room only to find some v disturbing makeshift grave on her bed.
Okay, but why does FP not look at all surprised that the tree monster showed up for dessert? Alice is, like, losing it and shouting at him about the Gargoyle King and he’s looking sketchy AF. Did you throw the pig’s blood on Betty’s bed? It’s not like she didn’t deserve it!
Wait, is Alice having Betty committed?? To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?! I’m pretty sure you can’t just commit someone for being a morbid bitch, otherwise I’d be wearing a straitjacket rn.
Archie tells Veronica that he isn’t coming back to Riverdale because even though his name has been cleared he’s still afraid of her daddy. Also, this little goodbye speech of his is simultaneously making me want to cry myself to sleep and set fire to anyone with a Y chromosome. Like, what kind of f*ckboy-ery is this?? He’s all “you’re perfect for me, which is why I need to be in a different state from you.”
VERONICA: but we’re end game.
ME: 
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Wait does this mean Archie is off the show now? *crosses fingers and toes* WAIT WHY IS JUGHEAD GOING WITH HIM TOO THOUGH?? We can’t lose both heartthrobs in one episode! Do you know how many teenage girls (and myself) are about to fling themselves off a building over this?
Also, if Jughead is gone then who is going to save Betty from the conversion camp her mother just threw her in? Welp, only time will tell. See you betches next week, where it appears Archie is going to mourn his breakup with the “love of his life” by hooking up with random farm hoes. Kisses!
Images: Giphy (3); The CW (3); @writerras /Instagram (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! And by “thrilling” I mean ridiculous and utterly beyond the scope of reality but, hey, isn’t that why we sh*t talk love this show? Last episode we learned that high school Alice looked better in a crop top during her second trimester of pregnancy than I do after ingesting a big gulp of air, and also that every parent in Riverdale was super into G&G back in the day. The principal was mysteriously murdered during one of their LARPing play dates and now everyone thinks G&G is the devil’s game. And if that sounds like utter nonsense to you THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. And on that note, shall we get to recapping?
Okay, right away I know this episode is about to be lit. The opening scenes are Jughead getting high off dragon porn and board games (I paraphrase) and Archie planning his escape from Juvie. Lol. I love that the other inmates are relying on Archie to be the brains of this operation. I mean, this is a kid whose banking password is probably 1234 and you think he’s gonna get you to the promised land? Seriously?
Lol, so his big escape plan is to just make a run for the gates while the guards’ backs are turned? In broad daylight? THAT’S IT?? That’s not a plan! That’s barely even a thought process.
Predictably the guards immediately foil Archie’s “plan” by OPENING FIRE on a bunch of minors. This is such a gross miscarriage of justice, I can’t. Like where is the Innocence Project/sorority philanthropy Veronica humble-bragged about starting up? Hmm?
Archie looks shocked that his plan didn’t work. Tbh I also didn’t expect the people looking after delinquent children to bring assault rifles to yard time.
Cut to Dilton’s bunker, where Betty is trying to figure wtf is going on with Jughead. He’s v deep into G&G and thinks that if he plays the game he’ll be able to figure out who the game master is and solve all the murders. At least that’s what I gather is coming out of his mouth because all I’m hearing is “troll this” and “dragon that” and “Dumbledore in the astronomy tower with the elder wand.” SPEAK ENGLISH, MAN.
Okay, WHAT. The warden has Archie shirtless and strapped to a bed. It’s like Betty and Jughead’s foreplay except the warden has a goddamn fire poker. Is he going to brand him?! I didn’t realize the NXIVM cult had a chapter at this prison.
Meanwhile, back at Riverdale High, Betty is catching the whole crew up on Alice’s story minus mentioning all the sex Alice was having. Honestly, those five seconds Betty spoke on screen could have summed up last week’s episode entirely. Sighs.
REGGIE: I don’t buy it. There’s no way my dad dressed up in cosplay and hung out with a bunch of lame-ass nerds.
THANK YOU, REGGIE. That is what I’ve been trying to say here!
Betty tells them that they have to investigate their parents but, like, subtly. All her friends are f*cking shook that their parents could be murderers and Betty is just like “so?” Yeah, I can imagine that discovering the same person who gave you life is also poisoning half the town would sound like a Tuesday in Betty’s world.
Okay, Jughead is f*cking losing it. FP confronts him about playing G&G and he’s acting like he just caught Jughead doing lines in the bathroom, which would actually explain his insane behavior rn.
FP: What did I say about playing that board game of sin? Put that game away right now!
JUGHEAD:
Let the boy live, FP!
Meanwhile, Veronica hires her friend/child of the mob to help her infiltrate the prison. He finds a way to sneak her into Fight Club despite the fact that she’s been banned from stepping foot on the premise and her picture was handed out to the entire security team. But it’s chill because she’s wearing a wig!
They bring out the fighters and Veronica immediately spots Archie. She’s like “I’d recognize those abs anywhere!” Yes, well, wouldn’t we all, Veronica. I think it’s against his contract to be fully clothed for longer than one scene.
MY GOD it cannot be this easy for a 17-year-old in a wig to track down her incarcerated boyfriend. It just can’t. She finds him after the fight in the locker room completely alone and is like “I’ve only got about 20 minutes that should be enough time for a quickie, no?”
They start going at it against the lockers and it’s like if Archie is unsupervised long enough to raw dog his girlfriend in the bathroom then maybe he could escape now?? No?? Just me? K.
Lol scratch that. Veronica also comes to the same conclusion that they could easily break Archie out after one of his fights. Clearly all they need is a wig and a 20 minute bathroom break.
Archie’s like “yeah, yeah, that could work but have you seen The Shawshank Redemption? Let’s do that.” He wants to tunnel out through the drain underneath the fighting ring instead and it’s just like, why are you making this harder then it has to be?
ME: *listens to scheme to break Archie out of prison that makes no logistical sense* *knows they’re screwed*
ALSO ME:
Veronica asks all her friends to help her bust Archie out of prison and she’s acting like she just asked them to take notes for her in biology or something. Like, bitch, this is a big ask!
VERONICA: He’s mixed up in some sort of diabolical teen fight club and we have to help him!
ALSO VERONICA: Get in loser, we’re committing a felony.
Cut to the prison, where the warden invites Archie to his last meal on earth, which is literally what I tell myself my $60 Seamless order is when I’ve decided my diet starts tomorrow.
Lol I love how candid this guy is being with Archie. He’s like “what can I do Hiram hates you.” WHAT CAN YOU DO. Also, he does realize that Archie has two loving parents, one of whom is a lawyer, who would certainly notice if their son just randomly died while incarcerated, right? Like, there’s no way he’s getting away with this.
During their little dinner he tells Archie all about how Hiram set him up for murder. Apparently Hiram paid off all the witnesses with 10 grand each. He’s like “you’re life is only worth $30,000 how do you feel about that” and, honestly, I thought it would be worth less. Good for you, Archie!
Archie’s getting ready for his fight when Joaquin randomly shows up and starts kissing Archie?? Ah, so that whole “give me your shoes” thing was a metaphor for butt stuff. Got it.
OMG. HOLY SH*T. Just as I’m thinking Archie might throw Joaquin against the lockers for another locker room quickie, Joaquin shivs him! They drag Archie out to fight with an open wound and it’s not looking great for him.
Also, weirdly Jughead predicted all of this? He’s acting v v creepy and I don’t like it. Like, what is Jughead on? Did he eat future-telling mushrooms or something? Is that part of the game??
Lol. The kids are three seconds into the great escape and the door guy is already calling bullsh*t on Veronica and her plan. Like, it is step one and it’s already all going to hell.
BOUNCER: That’s not the password
VERONICA:
But she has a wig, sir!!
Betty is also ready to start some sh*t and I know this because she showed up to the escape plan party wearing all leather and her Serpents jacket. Subtle.
The guards bring Archie out into the ring and it looks like he has to fight Mad Dog?? What? He’s alive?? And looking like a goddamn snack??
*camera pans to hooded figure*
ME: I would recognize those abs anywhere.
Mad Dog, call me!
Veronica runs into Hiram right as the escape is about to go down and this has to be the part where the whole thing gets cancelled. Has to.
OKAY. WHAT. Apparently all Veronica has to do to take Hiram out of the equation is to step on his toe. Is this real? He’s a grown-ass man and a hardened criminal and yet you’re telling me he goes down after a stubbed toe? The man has done jail time! Veronica throws a stink bomb (?) into the ring and Hiram just watches it happen. He’s not even limping, for god sakes! He could totally end this!
Mad Dog tells Archie to run, that he’ll hold off the armed guards. He’s like “I can’t fit in that grate!” and it’s like you don’t even want to try tho?? I have a feeling he’s not going to make it and I’m pissed. The CW would kill off the only level-headed hot guy to ever be on this godforsaken show so that Archie can live.
Archie gets away but this whole thing is very weird. The warden keeps calling Archie the Red Paladin, which is exactly what Jughead has been calling Archie in the quest he wrote for G&G. So is the warden playing G&G too? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
The gang is able to patch Archie up rather quickly despite the fact that he was stabbed with an object that was probs carved out of a tooth brush. K. Also, we finally get a good look at the warden’s brand and why does it look like the tattoo my sorority sister regretting getting on her junior year spring break? Like, is that the Chinese symbol for “live, laugh, love”?
Jughead thinks it’s a symbol from G&G and honestly this is not a good luck for him. He’s acting INSANE. Sort of like me after after I’ve sifted through Making A Murderer conspiracy theories for 6+ hours.
The episode ends with the warden chugging cyanide (casual) and Jughead taking more mushrooms (I assume) and seeing the Gargoyle King. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jughead is actually going insane or if Riverdale is adding “Tree Monster” to their cast list. Byeeeee.
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (2)
This week I’m just going to jump right into the Riverdale recap, because there’s only so many jokes I can make about the writers of this godforsaken show (but let’s just say they continue to test my f*cking sanity with every new plot device they introduce). Shall we begin?
The episode opens with the warden checking in on Archie, who is apparently in the hole. For those of you who never watched Orange Is The New Black aren’t familiar with prison jargon, that means he’s in solitary confinement, which I didn’t realize juvenile detention centers even had. They keep making Archie out to be some kind of Andy Dufresne, even though he literally asked to be in prison.
I guess Archie refused to be the warden’s new cage fighter and that’s how he ended up in the cell with no food, water, or sunlight. Like, this can’t be f*cking legal. This is a JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER, not a maximum security prison! Archie is a straight, white, relatively attractive male. If anyone should be eluding the justice system, it’s him! I’m not buying it, CW. Nope.
WHAT. FP AND ALICE ARE IN BED TOGETHER AND WHAT AM I LOOKING AT OMG. Goddamnit, CW, is this real or nah? And if this is real how DARE you deny us the lead up to this post-sex lounging taking place on our screens. You’re just gonna tease these two banging for TWO SEASONS and you’re not even gonna to let us watch it happen? THAT’S IT, I’m done you have my full attention.
Elsewhere, their children also just got done having sex! What a coincidence that isn’t all tainted by incest now.
BETTY: Do you think it’s kind of ghoulish that we banged in Dilton’s bunker?
ALSO BETTY:
Lol. Betty please stop acting like screwing in your dead friend’s bed doesn’t turn you on. Come on.
They think this whole Gryphons and Gargoyles thing is some sort of cult and it’s the smartest thing they’ve said all season. I’m not sure what gave it away. The unhinged following, the strange altar they worship at, or the all the murder/suicide to even get into the club. I guess that’s just good detective work, kids!
Betty goes so far as to say that perhaps the farm is also part of the cult. Again, any “farm” that takes in a runaway teen mom and her infant children who were conceived out of incest with open arms is most definitely a cult.
Betty’s like, “I don’t trust the Evernevers” and it’s like, well I don’t trust that people would willingly subscribe to a cult headed by a man named Evernever. It looks like we all have a lot of trust issues here.
Meanwhile, Veronica contemplates opening her secret speakeasy without Archie. A. Secret. Speakeasy. You and every hipster in the greater NYC area, V! Tbh I don’t know what’s more unbelievable here. That a 17-year-old is opening up her own night club or that she wants to wait until her boyfriend gets out of prison to do it.
Okay, wait. Did I just hear Veronica right? It’s a speakeasy that will only sell mocktails?
That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard on this show, and they’ve tried to make incest an acceptable thing, like, multiple times.
Speaking of Veronica’s bf, Archie gets dragged out of his cell in the middle of the night to go watch one of the cage fights. The warden has Joaquin fighting in Archie’s place, and IDK why this is eating Archie up so much. Joaquin literally wanted him to SHIV someone, like, two episodes ago. Prison changed him. He can def handle himself in a cage fight. Archie’s like “don’t make me watch anymore, I’ll fight for you!” Further proving that Archie will literally fall for every trick in the book.
ARCHIE: *breathes*
ME: YOU’RE A BOOB
Someone plants children’s birthday party favors Jingle Jangle in Veronica’s speakeasy and she is PISSED. She wants her bar to be completely dry and why is everyone hell-bent on ruining her good time?? Of course this happens right as the sheriff shows up to do an inspection. Reggie’s like, “do you think your dad is behind this” and it’s like NO SH*T he’s behind it, buddy. I already don’t like how much time they’re spending together. I have a feeling Reggie is about to be the Asian replacement Archie while the real one is in Shawshank doing time.
She goes looking for Jughead to see if he’ll help her blackmail her dad so she doesn’t have to pay off his hired thugs, but finds Cheryl instead. Cheryl literally set her childhood home on fire out of spite, so I feel like blackmail is child’s play to her.
Okay WHAT. These girls throw on their best black spanx and f*cking break into The Ghoulies’ meth lab. Excuse me, Jingle Jangle lab. They make it seem like breaking into a drug den is easier than sneaking out after curfew. Just because you own a black cat suit and know how to use a back door does not mean you’re super stealthy! It just means this show is trash you’re lucky AF.
Lol. Betty comes home and finds a bunch a farmies in her living room. She has to confess all her sins if she wants to meet Edgar Neverever. They’re like “it’s cool, Betty, we know all about the dark connection you have with your serial killer father and also the web cams!”
BETTY: I’m feeling so personally attacked rn
Okay, I seriously can’t believe Alice aired all their dirty laundry out like that! She told them about every illegal thing that family has ever done and, like, that list is long. Also, can you imagine what this cult probably thinks of them?
THE FARM: We’re going to need some sort of collateral from you if you want to join our cult family. You know, something secret or seriously damaging?
ALICE: Well we murdered someone accidentally and got rid of the body… does that count?
THE FARM:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was an overshare, Alice. I’m thinking they wanted something more like nudes, but okay.
Okay, this G&G game is sooooo creepy. Jughead shows up to Ethel’s lair and she’s got candles burning, she’s wearing a headdress and demanding kisses from the players. Something tells me that last one was a rule she made up, but OKAY ETHEL.
She’s like “if you want to play the game then you need to drink out of one of these two chalices and one of them might be poisoned. Good luck!” AND JUGHEAD DOES IT. So, let me get this straight, kids. You frown upon underage drinking but playing Russian Roulette with your lives is chill?? Jughead drinks from the right cup and doesn’t die. Small mercies. But then Ethel starts downing the other one even though she knows it’s poison! That b*tch is crazy.
Cut to Veronica’s opening night and I’m impressed. It looks poppin’ AND there’s even a valet, which feels extra because I can’t imagine Pop’s parking lot is that big, but okay.
Okay, every time I think this bar looks really cool and all I remember that everyone there is sober. Hiram shows up and the vibe gets even creepier. There’s just a bunch of sober, scantily-clad 17-year-olds… and Hiram. Gross.
Veronica’s like “see, daddy? This is how you run a legitimate business.” Yes, Veronica, I’m sure your daddy is very impressed that you found enough friends to come to your open mic night. Like, all you’ve proven here is that you’re popular. Very popular.
Okay, so is Josie the only talent for the entire evening? Minus the weird shadow dancers in the background? Sooo it’s, like, a school dance? Except no one’s even allowed to spike the punch? Seriously, HOW is Veronica making any money off this?
While Veronica parties it up, Archie is getting the sh*t kicked out of him in prison. I’m sure he’ll write a song about this moment later. He wins the fight and the warden gives him a bottle of rum for his troubles, which is v thoughtful of him. If there’s anything I know about high school juniors it’s how much they love their alcohol to taste like suntan lotion.
Archie starts trashing the sh*t out of his room and finds Mad Dog’s old bible? Nudie mag? It’s unclear. But he finds a cut-out for a rock hammer in it, which is a plot device straight out of The Shawshank Redemption. So, what? Now he’s going to escape prison with nothing but a rock hammer? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE.
^^A sneak peek of plagiarism Archie in next week’s episode!
Jughead and Betty get back from the dance and walk in on FP and Alice acting sketchy as hell. Betty’s like “mom what are you doing here?” and Alice is like “certainly not boning your boyfriend’s dad! What are YOU doing here?” Lol nice cover, Alice.
They found the G&G manual during their foreplay investigation and they’re pissed. FP and Alice burn the only copy of the manual and if I know anything about Riverdale, it’s that there’s no way in hell that’s the only copy. Don’t look so upset, Jughead! There’s a murder committed in your town every other day—I’m sure there will be something to investigate tomorrow!
Cut to the next day, and sure enough, the G&G manual is everywhere. Every kid in school found one in their locker and Jughead looks genuinely terrified. He’s acting like it’s Tom Riddle’s diary and not some underground version of D&D.
Ooooh so Ethel is behind the G&G distribution. I thought she was on suicide watch, though? How did she get out of the hospital unnoticed? Maybe she borrowed a catsuit from Veronica and used the back door??
Next week it looks like the Riverdale writers are using The Breakfast Club as inspiration for a flashback episode featuring all the parents in their high school heyday. And by “inspiration” I mean probably using word for word dialogue from the movie. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (6); The CW (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! Well, not so much thrilling as utterly ridiculous and not within the scope of reality, but you get the gist. Last week we realized just how broken the Riverdale justice system is, and lowkey how broken the Riverdale writers’ understanding of the legal system is. When last we left off, Archie was headed to juvie wearing his Sunday best, Jughead discovered a dead Dilton Doiley (yes that is a real name) all carved up in front of a weird altar, and Betty saw her infant niece and nephew FLY INTO THE AIR. So, just another Wednesday in Riverdale I guess. Shall we get started?
The episode begins with Archie’s first day of prison, which looks suspiciously like a wet t-shirt contest. I’m finding it hard to believe that these guards would power hose JUVENILES like they’re rabid dogs, but okay. This isn’t Shawshank, it’s Riverdale!
^^An episode of Riverdale or soft core porn? You decide.
We also learn that Betty is alive and well. She only had a casual “stress seizure,” which caused her to pass out and is supposed to explain why she thought Polly’s babies could fly. So I guess they’ll just be normal, run-of-the-mill incest babies with webbed feet, but no flying. Good. Also, can someone with an actual medical degree please confirm that a person can actually have a seizure from being “too stressed?” Because if that’s the case then I’m genuinely concerned for my health.
Betty’s like “I’m fine but what about Juniper and Dagwood??” JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD. I know Polly is supposed to be a farm person now but MY GOD those names are f*cking terrible.
Back in the jailhouse, Archie meets his cellmate for the first time and his name is Mad Dog. Jesus Christ. Is no one called, like, Jimmy anymore? No more Will? What about Dan? COME ON CW, YOU’RE KILLING ME.
Lol I love that Archie just flashed his Serpent tat in the yard as if it means sh*t. He’s like “FP Jones and Jughead said I could hang out with you guys? Did you see my tat?” First of all, Archie, your “tat” looks like it was spray painted on at the country fair. I’m surprised that overly aggressive hosing down earlier didn’t wipe it clean off your body.
Elsewhere, it’s date night for Betty and Jughead and they’re getting frisky in the morgue. I wish I was joking. Also, why is this coroner letting two high school kids take pictures of a dead body? Like, what are they using those pictures for? The school newspaper? Foreplay? Both??
Archie is hanging out in the prison music room, because YES THIS PRISON HAS A MUSIC ROOM and, yes, The CW is still trying to make Archie The Tortured Artist happen. He shouldn’t be hanging out there all alone though, because one, he looks like a dipsh*t, and two, he doesn’t have the Serpents’ protection anymore. Shockingly, the Serpents don’t think his tattoo is legit, and want him to shiv–SHIV!–a rival gang member. Archie refuses and I guess is now writing a song about it in the music room.
The Ghoulies find him there and they’re pissed because Archie snitched on them for street racing and now they’re stuck in juvie presumably for life. For street racing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Riverdale is a broken city. They’re like “nice shoes, we want your shoes” but, like, are “shoes” a metaphor for something here? Like Archie’s ass? ‘Cause that’s where it feels like this conversation is going…
Cut to Archie meeting Veronica during visitation hours and he is not looking great.
VERONICA: Why are you sitting that way?
LOL. Veronica, please be chill. Your boyfriend probably just had a “shoe” shoved up his ass.
Betty runs into the daughter of the cult leader of Polly’s farm. She says her dad is Edgar Neverever and I honestly can’t believe that is a name The CW is actually trying to pass off as real. Like, is this the best the Riverdale writers can come up with?? When Betty said that name last episode I genuinely thought she was just speaking jibberish to make a point.
Cut to Pop’s, where Veronica wants to start shit with Cheryl because she stole Archie’s school presidency. Honestly, V, he may or may not have had a gang member shove his shoe (or something else idk) up his ass. He has bigger things to deal with other than whether or not he needs another extracurricular activity for his college application.
VERONICA: I’m not serving you. I refuse.
CHERYL: You can’t just refuse to serve someone for being better looking than you.
F*cking SLAY, Cheryl!!! I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Cheryl Blossom is a godd*mn national treasure. Bless you.
Lol Riverdale dragging the Innocence Project into their damn trash show. I’m sure that once they’re done working tirelessly to get Steven Avery out of prison they’ll be VERY thankful to The CW for the free publicity.
Veronica keeps talking about how she’s just going to “open a chapter” of the Innocence Project in Riverdale. She’s making it sound like it’s some sort of demented sorority. Will there also be a t-shirt and a social chair at this chapter? Hmm?
VERONICA: *makes vague statement about single-handedly leading a nationally recognized institution in Riverdale* *compares it to putting on a sorority philanthropy event*
ALSO VERONICA:
Veronica buys Archie another pair of sneakers and YOU GUYS the sheer look of panic on his face rn is making my whole damn week. You know he’s like like f*ckkkk where can I hide these sneakers so I don’t get it up the butt again? Good luck, kid!
Archie goes out into the prison yard to show off his new sneakers and beg everyone to play football with him. I paraphrase. He’s like “why do we have to shiv each other all the time? Why can’t we just all get along like we used to?”
ALSO ARCHIE:
Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are off traipsing in the woods again looking for more murder. And HOLY F*CK what is that beast they just ran into in the woods? Are they both abusing Adderall? Is this another stress seizure? What am I looking at rn???
Archie and Mad Dog have a heart-to-heart and we learn that Mad Dog is serving a sh*t ton of time. Like, 20 plus years. I would LOVE to know what he did to deserve 20 years when Archie murdered someone and only got two plus a football game with his pals. RIVERDALE IS BROKEN.
Sooo Dilton did commit suicide? Betty and Jughead think he was playing some sort of demented game and accidentally drank rat poison in the process. What ever happened to truth or dare, kids??
OKAY WHAT. CHEERLEADERS IN PRISON. Am I having a stress seizure? F*cking Dagwood and Parsnip floating in the air is more believable than what I’m watching on my screen rn. Veronica riles up all the River Vixens and has them put on a show for all the prison boys playing in the football game. I’m using the term “show” loosely here because it felt less like an organized performance and more like a soft core porn, the sing-along edition.
Also, should the leader of Riverdale’s Innocence Project be behaving this way? I guess shaking your *ss at prisoners is an innocence project in its own way??
Hiram shows up mid-dance sequence and tells Veronica that he doesn’t want her to grind on other girls in front of prisoners during her spare time. Which, like, fair.
HIRAM: My seventeen-year-old daughter shouldn’t be behaving like this in front of inmates!
VERONICA:
Yes, that’s real mature, sweetie. PLEASE say someone is recording all of this for the Innocence Project.
Veronica basically tells her father LIKE HELL will she leave a musical number before the performance is over. The show must go on, I guess. We all have to stand for something. So Hiram sends in the f*cking riot police to break up the football game. AT A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER? Like, why aren’t any of these cheerleaders whipping out their phones and recording this? This juvenile hall would be shut down like that. Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
After her little stunt at the prison, Veronica gets blacklisted from visiting. She gets a fake ID and steals one of Betty’s wigs so she can become “Monica Posh” and visit Archie. When I was in high school I used my fake ID to buy wine coolers and get drunk in my parent’s basement, but okay.
Ooooh this should be interesting. Hermione calls all the parents together for what looks like a v secret meeting. Apparently they also played the creepy game Dilton and Ethel played?? And they’ve been keeping it a secret since high school? I’m just so… confused.
The last five minutes of this show are legit bonkers because Dilton’s friend, Benjamin Button, who survived the sacrifice at the altar, commits suicide in the hospital. I’m sure he will return as an old man aging backward.
And on that note, I’m out betches! In addition to ripping off The Shawshank Redemption, I’m sure The CW will come up with new and exciting ways to rip off Fight Club next episode now that Archie is the warden’s new Mad Dog. Should be lit!
Images: Giphy (6); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
