5 Insane Things That Came Out Of The President’s Mouth Yesterday

Another day of his presidency, another day Donald Trump has held a rally. I’d also like to hold rallies where people shouted in support of me every day, but this isn’t a freshman year dorm party where I’m doing my first keg stand. To no one’s surprise, Trump said a bunch of ridiculous BS at a rally for The Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz in Houston yesterday, which I’m sure the MAGA crowd is getting framed as inspirational Pinterest quotes or whatever. Here’s the worst of it from his rally for Ted Cruz yesterday.

Ted Cruz Has A New Nickname

A great joy of mine has been watching Republicans who once vehemently hated Trump now pretend like he is a a-okay dude. My favorite of these is Ted Cruz who Trump called Lyin’ Ted. Well, the prez has a new nickname for the Texas Senator and no it’s not Beta-Cuck O’Rourke. It’s Beautiful Ted, which maybe is meant to be a compliment but feels incredibly creepy coming from Trump.

Dems Are Releasing Criminals Like They’re Rabid Animals

Not like Trump has ever had anything very positive to say about Democrats, criminals, or undocumented persons, but he really outdid himself during this speech. His exact words were: “Democrat immigration policies allow poisonous drugs and MS-13 to pour into our country, and Democrat sanctuary cities release dangerous criminals from jail and into your neighborhoods.” Damn Donald. Tell us how you really feel. 

Boat Party

For some unknown reason Trump seems to think that the people in Texas who lived through Hurricane Harvey were out in the storm on floating crafts, just like…chillin. Like, I think he is warning those people to not go out in boats, but nothing in this clip is a full sentence and I wouldn’t be heeding advice from this man anyways.

Move over Maya Angelou

Trump has figured out how to rhyme. This puts him right on track for entering first grade. His new favorite phrase is “Democrats produce mobs, Republicans produce jobs.” 

Cat’s Out Of The Bag

Trump came right out and said he is a nationalist. We all sort of figured this but the idea is even if he is a nationalist, there ought to be some coyness to it, right? Like I don’t just come out and say I come home after work everyday, get into pajamas, and binge watch Netflix. I lead you to believe I am better than this. Other famous nationalists? Nazis! Just saying!

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Is This New Ted Cruz Ad An Example Of Toxic Masculinity?

Like Taylor Swift, the college acquaintances you haven’t spoken to in years, and your mom’s best friend, filmmaker Richard Linklater is getting in on the get out the vote action. Civic engagement, so hot right now! Linklater’s contribution is a new anti-Ted Cruz ad ahead of his race against Beto O’ Rourke, noted hot progressive skateboarder. He also has like, good policies and sh*t.

This moment of pettiness, meanness, partisanship, and division will be met by the kindness, courage, strength, leadership, and big heart of Texas. pic.twitter.com/6kAXZSRosS

— Beto O’Rourke (@BetoORourke) October 11, 2018

RealClearPolitics’ running poll has Cruz ahead by 6 points, which is disappointing since he is not only a misogynistic anti-abortion crusader but also probably the Zodiac killer. (But the polls also said Hillary would win so like, whatever.) Cruz continued to support Trump despite the fact that he insulted his wife and said his dad killed JFK (maybe?), which, according to this as, is  not what a true Texan man would do. The ad aggressively relies on tropes of toxic masculinity to convince toxically masculine Texas men that Ted Cruz isn’t toxically masculine enough to truly represent them, which is an argument that feels a little more 1990 than 2018. Linklater is most famous for Dazed and Confused, so ok.

The ad mocks Cruz’s “Tough as Texas” slogan by calling out Cruz’s deeply weak response to Trump’s straight up savage takedowns of Cruz during the 2016 election. Which, again, were calling Cruz’s wife ugly and inexplicably insinuating that Cruz’s father was involved in the Kennedy assassination. (But again…maybe?)

Actor Sonny Carl Davis reprises his role from the film Bernie as an archetypal Texan man laying out the rules of Texas, but this time he’s talking about how Ted Cruz is not man enough to represent Texas, because he hasn’t tried to physically fight Trump. He says:

“If somebody called my wife a dog and said my daddy was in on the Kennedy assassination, I wouldn’t be kissing their ass,” Davis’s character says. “You stick a finger in their chest and give ’em a few choice words. Or you drag their ass out by the woodshed and kick their ass, Ted.”

To be honest, the sight of an elderly white man with a southern accent telling me to do anything is pretty triggering after the Kavanaugh hearings. In a state where the Latinx population increased by over 200,000 last year and the state population is expected to not be majority white by 2022, it’s unclear whether this is the best strategy. However, I’m always here for incitements to violence against Trump, so I’ll let it slide.

Watch the ad for yourself below:

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This Video Of Ted Cruz Getting Chased Out Of A Restaurant Is Everything

I’ll be honest, 2018 does not have a lot going for it. But, it is the year that douchebags are being forced to leave restaurants, and that is something. We must hold onto it dearly. The latest politician to be heckled while dining out is none other than the Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz. Cruz and his wife were confronted by protestors while they attempted to have a night out at a restaurant in Washington DC. A woman confronted Cruz about his support of Brett Kavanaugh, and let him know that she herself was a survivor of sexual assault. The protesters showed their support for her by chanting “we believe survivors,” and Ted Cruz’s response was to tell them that he has been friends with Kavanaugh for 20 years. V smooth, Teddy. You know what they say, when someone tells you they are a survivor of sexual assault, chime in with a fun fact about how you’re BFF’s with an alleged sexual abuser.

Sen. Ted Cruz was driven from an upscale restaurant Monday night by a crowd of protesters chanting, "We believe survivors." https://t.co/V6w3Gyctqf pic.twitter.com/rCx4uSrcGd

— USA TODAY Politics (@usatodayDC) September 26, 2018

Eventually, Ted Cruz and his wife had had enough of people holding them accountable for their shitty actions, so they decided to GTFO. Now for the best part: as they were leaving, a protester yelled after them,“Beto is way hotter than you, dude,” which is a) honestly true, and b) the best thing I’ve ever heard. Can whoever said this get some sort of award? We can give them a Teen Choice Award or some shit, right?

The cherry on top of this is that Cruz was then spotted on an airplane looking at pics of Beto O’Rourke on his phone earlier that morning.

Per Politico: Ted Cruz was spotted on his phone on a flight back from DC looking at a photo of Beto O’Rourke.

via @playbookplus pic.twitter.com/Gx4NeBWUaB

— andrew kaczynski???? (@KFILE) September 25, 2018

So I guess it’s safe to say that Ted already knows Beto is hotter than him. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is…we don’t hate Ted Cruz becuase he’s ugly, Ted Cruz is ugly because we hate him.

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This Picture Of Don Jr. With Ted Cruz Is The Ugliest Effing Thing We’ve Ever Seen

President Trump’s Twitter definitely takes the cake for most problematic social media account of all time anyone in his family, but Donald Trump Jr.’s Instagram might be a close second. In the past, Don Jr. used the ‘gram to say how he was going to take away half of his daughter’s Halloween candy to explain socialism, but his most recent post is somehow even more cringeworthy.

On Sunday, Don posted a slideshow of him posing with Ted Cruz, holding a cake that has a picture of Barack Obama in red white and blue icing. The caption is a real classic: “With friends like these… some good friends decided that while my birthday is not for 2 weeks that they would get me an early 40th birthday cake. And what birthday is complete without an Obama cake? I figured it was so good that I would have to share it with Ted.” Like…what?

While we’re distressed at the idea that a 40-year-old man is still having a weeks-long birthday celebration, there are more pressing issues here. The combination of Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz and Don “Spray Tan” Jr. in one photo is a lot to take in at one time. Ted looks his average level of constipated, which means if he were a normal person he’d be chugging Activia yogurt and hunching over the toilet. Don is making a face that can be best described as a playful grimace, and we need it to stop right fucking now.

And let’s talk about the cake. First of all, the picture of Obama is, um, an interesting choice. It seems like it must be a joke, but these men know that they’re like actual leaders of our country, right? Like, I could get an ironic Taylor Swift cake for my birthday and it would probably get 150-200 likes on Instagram, but I don’t have to go back to the Senate on Monday morning and see articles about it online. These men are basically overgrown high schoolers, and it’s upsetting AF.

The photo with Ted Cruz is the most important here, but the post is actually a slideshow with two other solo pics, because Don Jr. is a messy bitch who needs attention. In the second one, he’s doing an intense soft smile that truly makes him look like an orangutan, and in the third one he’s doing that fucking grimace thing again. Our favorite part is the basic bitch who photobombed both pictures, because she’s the true messy bitch who needs attention. Good job, sis, you weaseled your way into one of the ugliest effing photos we’ve ever seen.

If you need me for anything, I’ll be crying into an Obama cake while eating the entire thing with my hands.

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