We live in a world that is streaming-obsessed. I know this because my credit card statement every month is nothing but Netflix, Apple TV +, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and Disney + (and Seamless, and some more Seamless, and then a little Uber Eats so the Seamless people don’t judge me, I’m sure you understand). I basically get berated at work all day so that I can afford to watch High School Musical on repeat when I get home. And lately, the only thing streaming that people want to talk about is You. It seems all my friends are really into psychopaths, which now that I know this, makes a lotttt of sense. I mean, I thought they were into psychos, you know, like men who dip their pizza in ranch dressing, but it turns out they’re just turned on by good old-fashioned murderers. Cool. Never going to your boyfriend’s houses, though! I haven’t watched You yet, and the reason why is because I read the book You by Caroline Kepnes years ago and I have not slept ever since. It’s been fun!
Although the book continues to keep me up all night, I was incredibly impressed by how well Kepnes captured the ramblings of a psychopath. Now that I think about it, she was almost too good at it, and I’d like to request the police do a wellness check on her spouse, just in case. Sorry if they break down your door, Caroline! But you brought it upon yourself! If you’ve watched the show AND read the book, you’re probably looking for some new material to make people slowly back away from you at parties. Thankfully, I would rather read a book than engage in actual relationships with a real person, and I’m ready to share my knowledge with you, my fellow anti-socials. So, if you’re craving more books like You, here are seven that I’d recommend you start reading as soon as possible. Before you start making human connections!
The first book is called The New Husband, and, frankly, any number of husbands is a terrifying thought, so sign me up. In this book, Nina Fitch’s second husband knows all her favorite foods, movies, and her son adores him. Definitely a psycho. Nina is a little gun shy because of what her first husband did to her (See! Husbands are terrifying!) so she decides to do a little digging. Sure, Nina. I can call stalking digging, too. When things aren’t adding up, the story gets more and more tense, twisty, and of course, there’s a shocking reveal. I shrieked! You have to get your hands on this one when it comes out on April 14, 2020.
Contrary to popular belief, The Sunday Girl is not about a twentysomething woman who goes to brunch with her girlfriends, gets day drunk, and orders a $40 uber home before passing out at 5pm. I know! I was also confused. The Sunday Girl is actually about a woman in an abusive relationship, who gets dumped by her boyfriend, and then he posts a sex tape of her online. I think we can all agree at this point he deserves what’s coming to him. And, what’s coming to him is a revenge plan straight out of The Art of War. Girl, I am SOLD. Find out what happens *please say she cuts off his balls, please say she cuts off his balls* when The Sunday Girl comes out on May 5, 2020
You is told from the point of view of Joe, the psychopath serial killer. But what if it was told from Beck’s point of view? In The Last Woman in the Forest, Les Becquets flips the script when her heroine Marian starts to believe that her recently departed man, Tate, was a serial killer. Marian goes on a mission to prove to herself that she was not, in fact, banging a dude who preferred his women in a ditch in the woods, but as she gets further along, sh*t starts getting terrifying and it’s possible Marian will end up as a skin suit for a different freak. I’m not going to reveal what happens, but I will tell you that Diane Les Becquets is an incredibly talented writer, who dedicated a lot of time to creating realistic and nuanced characters. This is not your run-of-the-mill thriller, it’s more of an intense, slow build that ratchets up the terrifying as it goes on. Just like life!
A Good Man! Ha! At least the title is funny, even if the rest of it makes you dependent on melatonin for the rest of your life. A Good Man is about Thomas Martin, a rich dude from Long Island working in Manhattan, who commits a horrific act and then when he can’t take it back, tries to convince himself that all he ever tried to do was be a good man. Ha! Funny again! Coincidentally, that’s what my ex said when I found him literally on top of another woman. He was also, in fact, not a good man. Another pro for this book is the fact that it has a pull quote on the cover from Caroline Kepnes, aka the author of You. If it’s endorsed by the woman who thought up Joe Goldberg, you know it’s the perfect kind of creepy.
Okay, if you thought you liked one attractive, charismatic psychopath in You, you are going to be thrilled when you meet the most f*cked up couple of all time in My Lovely Wife. Is the husband a murderer? Sure is! Is the wife a murderer? You betcha! Do they do it together as some kind of twisted sex game to keep the spark alive? Yes, ma’am! Should they have just gone to therapy? Probably, but it’d be less fun! This book is slippery though, so you never really know what’s going on until the very end, and that’s just how I like it, much like murdering young women is how the couple in this novel likes it. My Lovely Wife came out last March, and the best part is, if it really turns you on to murderous families, Downing has another thriller coming out on April 28th called He Started It.
So, yes, Darling Rose Gold is definitely more similar to The Act than it is to You, but I figure to us crime fiends that’s basically tomayto, tomahto, am I right? Plus there are plenty of murderous people in this, so you’ll be fine. Growing up, Rose Gold believed that she was seriously ill. Turns out, her mom Patty (YOU WOULD, PATTY), just did everything she could to make people believe that, even intentionally making Rose Gold sick. Patty went to prison, but now she’s out and Rose Gold takes her in. Such a sweetheart! Or is she? In this book, you can’t tell who is lying, and you can’t tell who is winning their little cat-and-mouse murder game until the very end. And who among us hasn’t wanted to kill their mother every once in a while?! (Not me, mom! Please still pay for that trip to Ireland!). You’ll have to wait until March for this one, but I promise you it’s worth the wait.
The Stranger Beside Me is the OG book about a handsome and charming man who preys on young women. And all you sickos are just as thirsty for him as you are for Joe! I know this isn’t a novel (it’s true crime, FYI), but I’d put all my money on the fact that Ted Bundy and Joe Goldberg are distant relatives. Let’s get these two on Ancestry DNA!
The Stranger Beside Me is written by Ann Rule, and her writing style is so sweet and sincere, you’ll feel like your mother is telling you a comforting bedtime story, except that bedtime story includes the dates and times that dozens of women were murdered. The Stranger Beside Me has been out since 1980, so while you’re waiting on some of these other books to be released, you should definitely spend your time with this master class in true crime. And just remember, Ted Bundy is dead so you can’t send him nudes in prison, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
And those are my recommendations! If you read any of these, please let me know what you think. And if you think you’re not a reader, just throw one of these in your bag to check out on the subway just in case. Candy Crush will still be on your phone when you go to the bathroom later!
Images: Beth Dubber/Netflix; St. Martin’s Press; Source Books; Berkley Books (3); Penguin Books; WW Norton
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Schools are almost out, and it’s time to relax and let loose. And by “let loose” I mean stay in on a Friday night for some Netflix and chill. There are some incredible original movies coming to the streaming platform this month, like Wine Country and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. Two totally different movie night-vibes there, but excited for both equally the same. I mean, a movie directed by Amy Poehler, and another starring Zac Efron? That’s pretty much all I could ever ask for in life! And from my streaming service nonetheless! Is that sad??? Maybe. Do I care??? Nope. So here are the TV shows and movies hitting Netflix this month that we’re most excited about, plus a few that we’re well, not so much.
1. ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ & ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,’ May 1st
If you’ve been getting out your DVDs or VHS tapes to watch your favorite Austin Powers movies, then you’re an idiot and very behind on the times. But, no need to beat yourself up, you can now sit back and relax because these iconic movies will be available on Netflix as of May 1st. And, as if people don’t overuse Austin Powers movie references enough, expect them to be in full force this summer with these two titles now available for streaming. Guess you could say it’s both a blessing and a curse.
2. ‘Knock Down The House,’ May 1st
When I first saw this movie title, I assumed it was some Netflix interpretation of Bringing Down The House, an iconic cinematic masterpiece that I’d be super on board for a revival of. Unfortunately, it’s not. And even more unfortunately, it’s a political documentary. Again, I’m not the ideal customer for this kind of sh*t, considering my tastes in entertainment are superficial and far from deep. But, for those of you with more complex taste than myself, this documentary documents (woah, imagine that) four progressive women who ran for Congress in the midterm election, and one candidate’s ultimate success in doing so. It’s said to be hopeful and inspiring, so maybe I will actually put a pause on re-watching old Vanderpump Rules episodes to give this one a shot. I mean, I could use some hope and inspiration from someone other than Tom Sandoval to get me through my week, so we’ll see.
3. ‘Chasing Liberty,’ May 1st
Chasing Liberty is the epitome of a classic rom-com from the early 2000s. I mean, you have Mandy Moore at the height of her being Mandy Moore, playing the president’s daughter who can’t get the secret service off her back long enough to actually date boys. Tragic, right??? Tbh, idk if I’ve ever actually even seen this one, or if I’m just confusing it with that Disney channel movie with Hayden Panettiere that had basically the same exact plot. Either way, I now can’t get the song “My Date with the President’s Daughter” out of my head. Honestly, such a bop.
4. ‘Wedding Crashers,’ May 1st
Like, if this isn’t the best movie ever for staying in bed all day hungover, then I don’t know what is. Everyone loves Wedding Crashers, and this classic comedy hits Netflix this May, just in time to cure your Memorial Day hangover. Thanks for thinking of us, Netflix!!! It almost negates the fact that you’re increasing your monthly fee. Almost. Then again, wtf do I care, I don’t pay for this. Shouts out to whoever is, though, I appreciate you!!
5. ‘John Carter,’ May 2nd
I’m going to be honest, this is one I’ll probably skip. I had actually never even heard of this movie so I asked my sister’s boyfriend, who is a TV and movie connoisseur, about it and his exact summary was, “it’s a SciFi movie with good actors and a cute love story.” And sorry, but like, ya lost me at “SciFi.” I’m a religious watcher of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so needless to say, I’m not really a SciFi gal. But for those of you interested, it’s a Disney movie based on a book, and is about an ex-military captain who somehow randomly wakes up on Mars (talk about the Sunday scaries) and is now faced with saving a bunch of randos. I mean, talk about “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.”
6. ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,’ May 3rd
If you didn’t fall in love with Zac Efron as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, then you’re either too young or too old to be here rn. Stop what you’re doing and go watch this instant classic I think we can all agree that Zac Efron is a babe. And he has only gotten hotter with age. HOW?!?! And he’s going to be playing Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killing heartthrob??? Sign me up! I mean, in all seriousness, it’s kind of dangerous that he’s playing this character. It’s totally just going to further confuse hopeless romantics everywhere, making them believe that the serial killer-like tendencies of the guy they’re dating (but like actually, beyond just not texting you back for three days) are just something you can “fix.” Just kidding. But I will be excited to watch this.
7. ‘Lucifer’ Season 4, May 8th
So like, I don’t watch this show but maybe I should, because people are pretty hype for its return. Season 4 comes to Netflix this month, and like I just said before, people are stoked. Apparently, this show has some real stans because after it was canceled by Fox after season 3, fans campaigned for it to come back. I mean, just because something has passionate, loyal fans doesn’t mean it’s a winner *cough cough Donald Trump* but this show does look kind of good. And the lead guy is hot as sh*t, so that’s probs reason enough for me to give it a whirl.
8. ‘Wine Country,’ May 10th
Well, when you have a new movie starring half the adult cast of Mean Girls, you know you’re in store for a treat. Not to mention, it also has Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and Paula Pell. Plus, as if that star-studded cast isn’t enough, the whole thing is directed by Amy Poehler. Expect your Insta feed to be flooded with stories of girls having wine nights together to watch this movie. And no shade to them, cause I’ll be grabbing my gals and doing the same. I mean, the premise is a girl’s weekend, very basic plot line. And like, if the cast wasn’t so good, then it would probs be a movie I’d never see. But, with a cast of women who genuinely make me laugh with everything they do, I’ll have this in my queue the day it comes out.
9. ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal,’ May 21st
Wanda Sykes’ first one hour Netflix special comes this month, titled “Wanda Sykes: Not Normal.” Apparently the special surrounds our current f*cked-up political and cultural climate. And considering how f*cked-up the world truly is right now, there’s no doubt in my mind Wanda will have some great jokes for us on the matter. Bring it on, Wanda.
10. ‘When They See Us,’ May 31st
This is a limited miniseries surrounding the wrongful conviction of five men of color over a female jogger who was beaten and raped. It’s based on the true story of the Central Park Five and documents the breakdown of our criminal justice system. Honestly, the trailer is chilling, and if that’s not enough reason to watch, recently admittedly guilty Felicity Huffman is a main character in the drama. And, she’s playing the assistant district attorney who presided over the case and was a huge contributor to the infamous f*ck-up. Ironic, I know.
There are tons of other popular titles on the list coming for May that I’ve heard of, yet haven’t seen. So if I didn’t mention your beloved movie or show (like, relax Hairspray stans) there’s no need to come for me. Feel free to utilize the comments section for good, and promote said movie or show that you clearly feel so irrationally passionate about. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, who am I to stop you?
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
The title of this article is actually kind of a joke because if you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, you need to fix yourself. What? Do you, like, have a life or something? Do you not spend your nights deep-diving serial killers on Wikipedia and then waking up every hour to check all the closets in your 400-square-foot apartment “just in case?” Are you actually well-adjusted? FINE. If you are one of these “normal” humans and you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, 2019 is your year because Netflix just dropped Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes and sh*ts about to get real…sadistic.
Since so many of you freaks can’t tear yourselves away from watching yet another episode about the Dundies, I’m here to tell you who Ted Bundy is and why you should care. But tread carefully friends, this article will mark the official end of your innocence.
He Murdered At Least 30 Women
Ted Bundy is one of the most prolific serial killers of all time. Before he was executed in 1989, he finally confessed to 30 murders, which you can hear him briefly whisper about in the new Netflix documentary, Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes. But dude, you don’t need to whisper, we already know. Even though Ted confessed to 30 murders, many more have been attributed to him and at one point he said the number of women he killed was “three digits,” leading experts to speculate that he meant over 100, and leading me to reconsider watching this before bed.
Many of the women Ted killed were in their teens and early 20’s and had brown hair, like Diane, the woman who broke his heart. Word of advice ladies, if you’re going to date a psychopath and sexual sadist, be gentle with his snowflake heart or he might kill 100 women that look like you. Or you could just be like me and never date anyone. It’s a good way to not get murdered and a good way to fit in all 14 seasons of Criminal Minds in 6 weeks.
Ted was eventually convicted of kidnapping Carol DaRonch in 1974. She’s featured in the documentary and is a complete badass who narrowly escaped being one of his murder victims. Ted was also eventually sentenced to death for the murders of Margaret Bowman and Lisa Levy at the FSU Chi Omega house, and Kimberly Leach, his final victim, who was only 12 years old. F*ck this guy.
He Escaped Prison Twice
YES! You heard me. A man that had already been convicted of kidnapping and was on trial for MURDER managed to escape from prison twice!
Fool me once, Ted, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone running that f*cking prison should get fired. Here’s how it happened. The first time, Ted was allowed in the courthouse law library by himself, unshackled. Damn, they’ll just let men do whatever they want, won’t they? So he jumped out the window and ran. Easy as that. He was able to evade capture for six days and lost 25 pounds. And yes, I am seriously considering this for my next diet.
Six short months later, Ted had managed to cut a hole in the ceiling of his cell, climb through it, and eventually walk right out the front door. The FRONT DOOR. From that front door, he made it all the way to Florida where he became a law-abiding citizen, renting out beach chairs and umbrellas to people on the beach. I’m kidding. He f*cking murdered people.
Women Are THIRSTY For Him
Despite the fact that Ted Bundy liked to rape, murder, and return to the dead bodies to have sex with the corpses of his victims (I know, I’m sorry), this did not deter women from fawning all over him. The documentary shows these women enamored by him and batting their eyelashes because he was “attractive.” To say it’s unsettling is an understatement.
Not only did Ted have his lady fans, but he even secured himself a wife during his murder trial. While he was questioning girlfriend Carol Ann Boone on the stand, he asked her to marry him, and it was legally binding. She went on to visit him in prison and they even had a daughter together. Huh. So I guess he could get it up without having to murder someone.
He Blames Pornography For His Crimes
To quote the immortal words of Miss Marcia Brady, “Sure, Jan.”
Zac Efron Is Playing Him In A Movie
And finally we’ve reached the “why you should care” portion of the article, and that reason is Zac Efron. The reason to watch anything is really Zac Efron, I certainly wouldn’t have entertained the idea of basketball players auditioning for a high school musical otherwise. Zac will be starring in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, the movie based on Ted’s life that’s premiering at Sundance right now. I’m ready for you Z, chill me to the bone.
People are also talking about Ted Bundy so much because Netflix just released its true crime documentary about him. It’s supposed to present never-before-told information about Ted Bundy, but anyone who has read one Ted Bundy biography would already know everything presented in the documentary. Can’t wait for Hulu to release their competing documentary with nonsensical clips of Family Guy spliced throughout.
So that’s your basic rundown of Ted’s life! If you’re really interested, I suggest you watch the documentary on Netflix, or read The Stranger Beside Me which is the OG of true crime books. And always remember, if a guy wearing a sling asks you to help him carry something to his car, call the police.
And if you can’t get enough of serial killers, may we suggest starting your journey down the rabbit hole by listening to Not Another True Crime Podcast?
Images: Giphy (3)