Olympics season is the best because the games are always on at weird hours, which means you get to watch gorgeous, graceful figure skating routines by Adam Rippon on a dive bar TV while you chug vodka cranberries and imagine that the Cardi B song bumping in the background is the actual track he’s skating to. No? That’s just me? Well, I highly recommend trying it sometime, it’s v entertaining.
The most talked about skater on the US team this year is
Margot Robbie Adam Rippon, who is competing as the first openly gay American man in the Winter Games. Just this weekend, Skate Bae – as I shall now refer to him – placed third in the Men’s Free Skate and helped propel the US Figure Skating Team to a Bronze medal. Rippon is just as popular for his insane skating skills as he is for his hilarious social media presence, and eyebrows that put Cara Delevingne’s to shame.
When the White House decided to give possessed-orphan-porcelain-doll Mike Pence the honor of leading the US delegation to the opening ceremony, Rippon threw some major shade at the idea of meeting with him before the Games. “You mean Mike Pence,” he scoffed, “the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it.”
Conversion therapy is the completely fucked up idea that homosexuality is an “illness” that can be cured with psychological treatment and, in the most extreme cases, electroshock therapy. Pence has been linked to these ideas for years, especially after a statement was posted on his campaign website calling for funding and resources “directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” Um, newsflash, there’s no such thing as “changing your sexual behavior.” Have you never heard Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way?” Oh wait, you obviously haven’t because you only listen to cassette tapes of Christian Rock until 8pm when Mother* tells you it’s time for bed.
*Casual reminder that Mike Pence calls his wife “Mother” and it’s fucking weird as shit.
Last week, USA Today reported that Pence’s office was so worried about Rippon’s beef with him that they attempted to arrange a private meeting to hash it out. Rippon allegedly kept his word and declined any offer to sit face to face with a man who thinks his gay can be prayed away. Meanwhile, Pence shot down the rumors as “fake news” and said he never reached out to meet with Rippon in the first place.
Pence @ Adam:
Rippon said he has no interest in meeting with Pence after the Olympics or attending the White House’s official celebration for the athletes after they return home, since competing is his top priority, and trying to convince old white men that gay people are people too is not exactly high on the agenda.
In an interview with ABC News, he remarked, “I personally don’t have anything to say to Mike Pence. I’m very lucky because legislation that he’s pushed hasn’t affected my life at all. I spoke out because there are people out there whose lives have been affected by change that he’s tried to make. I spoke out for them because right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it. That’s a conversation for them.” *Rainbow flags wave dramatically. “Fight Song” plays in the distance. Our new hero rises from the rink like an icy gay phoenix*
In the same interview, when asked how he would celebrate his super impressive performances in Pyeongchang, he responded, “I’m going to go to Target and I’m going to get a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, Oyster Bay, with the twist top, immediately.” He also said that after his routine this weekend, he wanted to ask the judges for a Xanax, so basically this man is all of us, and we must protect him at all costs.
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The PyeongChang Winter Olympics kick off this week and for those of us who can only maintain interest in sports for like 15 minutes tops, we’re bringing you something more fun to focus on: the uniforms adorning these spectacularly ripped bodies. You might not be able to judge freestyle skiing, but you can go full on fashion police for these official Olympic uniforms. Here’s a look at what the world’s hottest bodies are rocking.
The team is ready to rock ???????? #PyeongChang #olympicsgames #skijumping @FranceOlympique pic.twitter.com/YeMTx5V9KU
— Léa Lemare (@lealemare) February 8, 2018
Congrats to the French, once again, for looking chic af. They’ve really nailed the “richest girl you follow on Instagram” look for which I both applaud and am incredibly jealous of. I wasn’t aware Soul Cycle was an event this year. These sleek and sexy uniforms are going to be a hit at the Olympic
These legends are ready to shine at #PyeongChang2018 ✨✨✨✨#GoAUS pic.twitter.com/XmPl81poeV
— AUS Olympic Team (@AUSOlympicTeam) February 8, 2018
Designer: Total Image
The only nice thing I can say about these uniforms is that if any of these athletes get seriously injured, they are already dressed for a shitty summer internship at a law firm. Olympians are literally the closest thing we have to gods and Total Image has managed to make them look like down on their luck substitute teachers. This is literally what Jack Black wore to pretend to be a teacher in School of Rock. Not impressed.
The 2018 U.S. Olympic Team has been announced! ???? Follow your favorite athletes as they prepare to compete at the #WinterOlympics ⬇️https://t.co/aEDp87icce
— U.S. Olympic Team (@TeamUSA) January 27, 2018
Designer: Ralph Lauren
Doing anything that isn’t 100% enthusiastically patriotic these days is apparently treason according to our president, but at the risk of being locked away forever I”m going to give these uniforms a serious side eye. We have a lot going on here, folks. This is the perfect outfit for the cross country cowboy hanging fireside at a ski lodge. Dare I say, let’s minimize the look? It sort of screams, “we’re a mess of a country at the moment!”
Pyeongchang get ready for these guys ???????????????????? #TeamGermany pic.twitter.com/pQ5CiVmutV
— Richard Freitag (@Richard_Freitag) February 5, 2018
Germany looks like they could bust out a breakdancing move at any given moment and I mean that as a complete compliment. It’s bordering a little bit on skater fuckboy, but unfortunately, that’s the kind of fuckboy I fall for. 10/10.
Russia unveiled a new “neutral” Olympic uniform in Moscow for the 2018 games
The country has been denied use of its flag and badges as punishment from the Sochi doping scandal pic.twitter.com/mXFDyLvqtm
— CBS Evening News (@CBSEveningNews) January 22, 2018
So, while we were all busy trying to figure out if the Russians interfered with our elections, the Russians were busy getting in trouble for doping in the last Olympics. The punishment? Make them stay out and have total FOMO. Just kidding. Something worse. The very few individuals who didn’t dope can compete independently but they have to wear a boring tacky outfit with literally no flair. The IOC decided to force all Russian athletes to wear bland great tracksuits. BUt in a twist they look like the could easily be part of Yeezy Season 6.
Suomen #curling -pari Oona ja Tomi lähdössä kisaamaan Olympialaisiin ja maailman kahdeksan parhaan joukkoon! #PyeongChangFi pic.twitter.com/fdvTusqwqL
— Olympic Team Finland (@OlympicTeamFI) January 28, 2018
Hello? Disney Channel’s 2002 aesthetic called and they’re gonna need their look back. If you weren’t already aware that Finland is white people dancing to EDM, this really lays it out for you. They look like slightly hunkier Sims characters or Abercrombie rave goth. I guess one upside is they can really focus on their sports because no one is going to be hitting on them at the games. Sad!