As we have all known since she took her first sip of Champagne on The Bachelor, Corinne Olympios was literally made for Paradise. Like, I get that she was “in love” with Nick and all that, but I think it’s safe to say that the world needs Corinne blacking out on an island in Mexico with 25 other hot singles more than it needs her in L.A. carrying Nick Viall’s groceries. Well, we are all one step closer to making that happen. Corinne told E! News that she is “most likely” going to Paradise, adding she’s “still not sure yet.” Now, I think we all know that Corinne is absolutely a yes for BIP, she’s just playing this whole thing out for as long as she can. Why? To get attention aka Corinne’s oxygen. Without it, she would suffocate and die, and that would be a horrible day, not only for Bachelor Nation, but for the world.
“Most likely, yes. So not 100 percent locked in yet,” were her exact words, which incidentally is what I say every Saturday night to my friends/myself/my dignity when asked if I’m going to go over to
fuck see that guy I’ve been bitching about all week. So yeah, you can bet we’ll be seeing her this season.
Meanwhile, Raven is out here like:
Apr 11, 2017 at 10:15am PDT
That’s what we in the biz call a “Mexican Thirst Trap.”
Just to catch you up on what Corinne (and, by extension, Raquel) have been up to ever since she straddled Nick in a bounce house and changed all of our lives, girl has been hustling. First, she’s launching her own clothing line called Team Corn which features tanks and tees with sayings like “Okay, but first cheese pasta” and “Dude I need sushi” and, of course, “Platinum Vagine.” I’d make fun of it if I wasn’t low-key already on her website buying two of every color.
In addition to the Team Corn T-shirt line, Corinne is looking to expand her empire into swim and activewear, as well as starting her own podcast, where she’ll presumably talk mad shit on other Bachelor contestants (Taylor) and give advice on how to treat your adult nanny. Corinne is also in a kind-of relationship, though she won’t say with who (is it Chad?). All she’s told us is that he lives in L.A. (seriously, Chad?), they’ve been “vibing really nicely,” (please, let it be Chad) and she’s known him for “a really long time.” Honestly, as long as he’s not also dating 25 other women, it’s a step up from her last relationship. And seriously, if this “special someone” is what keeps Corinne from going to Mexico, then not only is he selfish, but he is keeping her from America in a time where we need her most.
Make America Corinne Again, fam!
In a stream of glitter-laced tears, Corinne said goodbye to human Donald Duck, Nick Viall on this week’s episode of The Bachelor. We had some good ups and downs with our pal Corinne. We even discovered that she’s actually probably even a certified betch. In honor of Corinne escaping Nick’s evil grasp, we’ve listed her top 10 moments on the show for your enjoyment.
Catch up on the latest Bachelor recap here!
10. Getting Drunk While Playing Volleyball
We’ve all been involved in some sort of horrible date activity where we were like, fuck this shit. I’d rather be 1) sleeping or 2) drunk AF. Corinne is all of us with her total lack of interest in being good at sports and extreme desire to get drunk when she’s bored. Even if crazy-ass Jasmine pushed her really hard down into the sand, Corinne was already too drunk to care. That’s the quality of a true winner.
9. Replacing Raquel For A Day
When a girl is without a nanny, she must do her best on her own—er, at least, do her best to replace said nanny. That’s what happened when Corinne found a new maid/nanny while in St. Thomas. I feel like the other women really missed out on an opportunity to get some lobster dip, a marg, and have their pillows fluffed fo’ free. Corinne is nothing if not an opportunist.
8. Introducing The World To Cheese Pasta
One of the great week-long mysteries of the world was what Corinne’s nanny’s famous “cheese pasta” recipe was. The internet discovered pretty quickly that it was just shredded cheese and pasta. I think the bigger mystery is is figuring out how Corinne stays so tiny while eating so many carbs.
Revealed: Racquel’s cheese pasta recipe
7. Ordering A Shit Ton Of Room Service
While Corinne and Taylor anxiously awaited their two-on-one date, you could already tell which lady had a leg up on the competition. Taylor was in her hotel room meditating and using some bullshit essential oils. Meanwhile, Corinne was ordering an amount of room service that would shock a subject on My 600-lb Life. She had like, steak and fries and pasta and desserts galore. It was legit like $150 worth of food and I’m so jealous.
6. Becoming A Fairy God Betch
One of the best things about Corinne is that she’s unapologetically Corinne at all times. While the other women on their hometown dates wanted to pretend they were charitable and fun and sweet, Corinne was not going to play that BS. Instead she was like, “Get in loser, we’re going shopping” and made Nick go to some fancy-ass galleria with her. She even bought him a $3k outfit that looked like something you could get at J. Crew for $250, but whatever. Corinne wasn’t afraid to switch up the gender roles and play Sugar Mama for a bit. I just don’t think Nick was man enough to handle her game.
5. Putting A Voodoo Curse On Taylor
I guess voodoo isn’t just an overrated donut in Portland. Aparently it’s like legit witchcraft or something, but the good kind, I guess. When Corinne got stuck in a swamp with boring nicegirl Taylor, she had to prove she was better somehow. That “somehow” was by putting a voodoo curse on her. At least, I think that’s what happened. IDK that was honestly the most boring episode of The Bachelor I’ve seen in a long time so I’m going to pretend that’s what happened. Side note, has anyone checked on Taylor lately?
4. The Whipped Cream Thing
Our girl is nothing if not bold and brash. These other betches are standing around and crying over Nick Viall not giving them attention, which is embarassing in itself. Instead of being a whiny little bitch, Corinne went after what she wanted with a nice full can of whipped cream. Take a hint. If you want a guy to pay attention to you, strap on your best trench coat and sweeten up his life a little. Pro Tip though, maybe make sure he isn’t dating 12 other women when you do so.
3. Falling Asleep During A Rose Ceremony
Corinne was the first woman in show history to reveal the fact that the rose ceremonies are totally bogus and the rules are a sham. Corinne had a rose so she didn’t bother with barrel curling her hair and wasting one of her dresses on a ceremony when she already had a rose. It’s genius. Also, she stayed on the show for, like, 6 TV weeks after that so I don’t think her not standing around to watch other women with the nervous sweats wait to get a rose really ruined her chances with Viall.
2. Getting Naked On The Group Date
What a power move this was. All the other girls were playing lame-ass “getting to know you” games with Nick, and Corinne was like “Nah, fam” and just stripped off her clothes. Homegirl has a great rack and isn’t afraid to show it off. Extra points. What a champion. This move also scored here some alone time with Nick. It obviously worked because Corinne tapped into the one fact about the male psyche she knows best: Men love boobs.
1. The Platinum Vagine Comment
Out of all the naps, all the crazy arguments with Taylor, all the times she polished off a tall glass of Champagne, Corinne’s best moment has to be describing her vagine as platinum. It was a shocking comment but also so amazing because, like, who just fucking says that on national TV? Even Raven’s confession that she’s never had an orgasm doesn’t really top that. That’s kind of just sad for her. Anyway, our hat is off to you, Corinne and your shiny, metal vagina. Please keep entertaining us on Bachelor in Paradise. Please, please have a weird relationship with Chad.
Corinne And Chad Are Texting & It’s Everything We Ever Wanted
In true Corinne fashion, Imma go to sleep now. Peace.