Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Keep in mind that the title of this recap has not at all been endorsed by any governing body or organization and is mostly just a manifestation I’m shouting into the abyss after my third glass of wine. I just want to be upfront about that. 

Moving on! For those of you who went into this season blind (you’re not better than me), you’ll want to meet your new Bachelorette: Katie Thurston. If you’re thinking to yourself “who?” and “no, seriously who??” Katie was the girl from Matt James’ season of The Bachelor whom I benevolently dubbed “Dildo Girl” in every single one of my recaps. On night one, Katie came out of the limo wide-eyed and fresh-faced, looking less like a girl fit for reality TV and more like a girl who would work the register at a Panera Bread. And I say that with love! I’m thrilled to be watching a girl who looks like she buys her makeup at CVS and has never once in her life heard of a lip filler dare to find love on national television. In fact, if not for the sparkly, average-sized dildo she waved in Matt’s face like a baton from her senior year marching band routine, we probably never would have heard from her again. But alas, Dildo Girl was born! 

Unlike previous contestants we’ve seen on this franchise, Katie did more than just cry and bring general shame to her family name. During her time on The Bachelor, she took on girl-on-girl crime in the house by banishing the words “whore” and “slut” even though that was the majority of the script the producers provided to the girls. (And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling kid!) She tried to normalize sex toys by mentioning it one time as a gimmick and ABC never letting it f*cking die. She wore an ankle length parka to her one-on-one date. The woman was breaking boundaries everywhere she went! So, you could say that I have high hopes for her season.

With that in mind, let’s get into last night’s episode: the good, the bad, the cringe, and the things that will haunt my spirit until my last dying day.

The Good: First Impressions & The First Impression Rose

Let’s start off with the positives from last night (however slim they may be). The theme of this season is clearly “average,” if the beginning montage of Katie f*cking up normal day-to-day activities is to be any kind of indicator. Our preview of the men is in much the same vein. Sure, we get some former pro athletes, some CrossFitters, a 40-year-old virgin whose massive bedazzled cross barely hides his repressed sexuality, but there are also just as many teachers, dudes who probably ride New Jersey transit, guys who talk to their grandmas and play with kids. ABC is trying very hard to show us that they’ve selected average guys who do average things and are totally not at all looking to add thousands of followers so they can become full-time Instagram influencers. 

Even the limo entrance gimmicks were tamer this season, which just goes to show that the ABC intern reading Instagram DMs has finally passed along my demands. Out of the first impressions, there were a few standout guys to me. There was Brendan the Toronto firefighter who looks like he would cheat on you with a Ruby Tuesday waitress if given the chance, but who is so attractive I don’t think any of us would care. There was Justin the investment sales consultant who scored the first kiss of the evening. While this is in no way an endorsement for Justin, I would feel remiss if I didn’t at least mention him. I mean, who among us hasn’t made out with a “sales consultant” early in the night and then promptly forgotten about him for the next guy to buy us a vodka cran?

Andrew S was also memorable as the man who decided that he wanted Katie’s first impression of him to be that he lied straight to her face. Bold move, cotton. In fact, one of my favorite moments of the evening was when, after absolutely butchering an English accent in a way that would send chills down the spines of the Windsor family, he asks Katie if the accent is no good and in response she tries to disintegrate into the nearest wall. Let’s just say I’ve witnessed better accents in Winning London. Know your strengths, buddy.

But the real winner of the evening is the first impression rose recipient: New Jersey’s Greg Grippo. He came out of the limo looking like a brunette Devon Sawa, handing out macaroni necklaces from his niece, and blushing every time Katie made direct eye contact with him. Honestly, the state of New Jersey hasn’t had a win like this since Vinny rebranded himself as the Keto Guido. Look, am I rooting for Greg? Yes. Do I think it’s rude that in all the time I spent trolling bars in Red Bank I never once met a Greg, only a man named Lorenzo who flirted with me only long enough to see if I’d pay for his Rolling Rock? I mean, it’s something I’ll be bringing up with my therapist. It does feel a little kismet the moment Greg and Katie first meet. Greg says Katie looks like a girl from a bar and Katie tries to hide her arousal from the cameras when she says he looks like her ex. If that’s not love at first sight, then I don’t know what is!! 

 

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The Bad: The Hosts

Look, I know Chris Harrison is bad, bad, bad and we love women supporting women, but the new hosts just didn’t work for me. For those of you who weren’t aware, while Chris Harrison is off googling racism for the first time in his life, former Bachelorettes Tayshia and Kaitlyn took over as hosts this season. Here’s the thing, Tayshia and Kaitlyn’s presence makes for a lot of feminine energy that Katie then has to compete with. Tayshia is STUNNING and even though Kaitlyn looked like her lips were struggling to let her speak through all of those fillers, she has the sex appeal of an off-brand Megan Fox. It’s a lot of chaotic energy to bring into the mix. 

 

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Then there’s the fact that a hero always needs a wise old spirit guide to help them navigate their journey. Where would Buffy be without her watcher? Where would Frodo be without his Gandolf? Kim without her momager? I have makeup brushes older than Tayshia’s engagement. What seasoned advice could she possibly give to Katie? At one point in the evening, Katie says her relationship with the hosts feels more like a sisterhood, but I’m not sure that works here. As a person with a biological sister and who spent her entire undergraduate career knee-deep in sorority chants politics, a “sisterhood” only ever encouraged me to hook up with a guy who publicly went by Ugly Paul. But, you know, I’m sure it will all work out for you, Katie!

The Cringe: ABC’s Take On Sex Positivity

If there’s one thing I hate about Katie being the new Bachelorette, it’s that ABC will not stop referring to her as “sex positive.” Sex positive makes it sound like she’s blazing some sort of trail, holding seminars on the clitoris, and doing Instagram ads for the Kama Sutra. Is she normalizing talking about sex on national television? I guess. But she’s not the Wife of Bath, for Christ’s sake! She’s a twentysomething who owns a vibrator. Welcome to 2021. Maybe she shattered every man in America’s ego by insinuating that sex toys facilitate orgasms, not the dude asking “you good?” after ramming a finger into your cervix for five minutes of “foreplay,” but the women back home are not surprised! 

As if to highlight Katie’s sex queen status, they’ve dressed her in whore red for her Bachelorette debut. Subtle, ABC. Very subtle. Then there were the limo entrances. Dear god, those limo entrances. I would say the moment it all went downhill was when a grown-ass man decided to bring a blowup doll to the Bachelor mansion. A BLOWUP DOLL. IS NOTHING SACRED ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE?? I think he was trying to do what Katie did with the dildo, as if a tool for female pleasure is similar to a man sticking his penis into a faceless woman made of plastic. Do go on though, pal. 

And the night only goes downhill from there. The remaining men test out every sexual pun they learned in middle school because apparently that’s the only mature way to respond to female pleasure. 

MAN WHO THINKS BECAUSE A WOMAN IS A LITTLE WET SHE SQUIRTED: I can’t wait to stroke it out with you… with my paintbrush!! Because I’m an artist but you masturbate, get it?!

KATIE: Lol, yeah I love the sexual puns!

ALSO KATIE:

Honestly, Katie, I would quit while you’re ahead. 

The Things That Will Haunt My Dreams: The Catastrophe 

There are some things on this franchise that you can’t unsee. The string of saliva the cameras zoomed in on after Carly and Evan’s first kiss. Kendall Long introducing Arie to her taxidermy collection. Chad waking up on a Mexican beach with a suspicious brown smudge on his shorts.  But the thing that will haunt me until my last dying breath, and perhaps even beyond the grave itself, is Connor B licking his paws on national television and then smearing his cat makeup all over Katie’s face. Connor B, a Nashville-based teacher and person who never should have been let out of the cave he grew up in, walked out of the limo in a full-blown cat suit, complete with drawn-on whiskers and an underlying cry for help. Though he looked like a walking, talking fetish, Katie seemed to be into it—proving there is a lid for every pot, even if that pot is probably on a no fly list somewhere. 

And that’s all she wrote, friends! Katie called it quits with Austin, Brandon, Gabriel, the man who sells skins out of his van, Landon, Marcus, and Marty. Here’s hoping the man who coughed up a fur ball is next!

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Welcome back to night two of The Bachelorette! Well, it’s not so much a “welcome back” as it is an intense feeling of being held in a hostage situation by ABC producers and their sick talent for manipulating plot lines out of literally nothing. But at least Hometown dates are finally here! That means the end is in sight. Praise be. 

This is usually one of my favorite episodes of every season, because by meeting their families the psychopaths who raised them it allows me to really get to know the guys on a more intimate level. On Monday night Tayshia narrowed her hunt for a husband down to the final four: Ivan, Ben, Brendan, and Zac. Normally, if we were living in a world that didn’t double as some nightmarish hellscape, this would mean that Tayshia would be traveling to each of their respective hometowns to get an up close and personal look at the origin of each of their deep-seated emotional issues, or at least the start of their steroid addictions. But in quarantine times obviously that format has to change. So, I have a lot of questions. 

For one, are they going to travel to said hometowns in full-on hazmat suits? Or is ABC truly expecting all of their families to quarantine before filming this? Like, they are fully expecting parents in their 60s to just hop on a plane and risk their safety during a public health crisis… for this? I already learned back in March that my mother wouldn’t even share her Costco bulk orders of toilet paper with me, let alone fly across the country and potentially expose herself to droplets and small talk with any of these idiots. That said, I suppose they must quarantine because it would be terrible press if The Bachelorette was a super-spreader event. Super-spreading of venereal diseases is always cool with them, but not COVID, that’s for sure. 

And indeed they are quarantining! Within the first few minutes of the show Chris Harrison tells us that there will be no traveling to hometowns. Instead, ABC is bringing the hometowns to the La Quinta Inn. I for one cannot wait to see how these guys decide to cobble together their own hometown dates with whatever spare objects they packed and loose trash they can find around the hotel’s premises. This should be interesting.

 

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Brendan’s Hometown

Brendan has the first hometown date of the week and I’m truly interested in seeing more of Brendan’s connection with Tayshia. I felt like they had a moment at the beginning and then we never saw him onscreen with her again. Case in point: I didn’t even know how to properly spell his name until this episode. That’s a problem. 

As it turns out, Brendan was unable to secure any adult members of his family for the hometown date. Instead, they pulled up curbside and deposited their district’s tribute—in this case a small child named Aliyah. “Aliyah” is supposedly Brendan’s niece but until I see A) a birth certificate or B) a legal guardian or parent, I will remain suspicious that this is even a member of Brendan’s family at all and is not actually just a random kid ABC found walking around the hotel’s property line and paid $20 to be on this date. 

Brendan sets up a carnival date for himself, Tayshia, and “Aliyah,” which is cute but represents his home state of Massachusetts… not at all. I guess Brendan was thinking if they could handle a totally unsupervised day (minus the film crew, ABC producers, and probably a CPS caseworker) of watching “Aliyah”, then the two of them are ready to get married and start a family. I’m not 100% sure I agree with that logic, but I will say Tayshia handled “Aliyah’s” withering stares like a f*cking champ. 

Despite all of this, I don’t see any chemistry between the two of them. I think at one point one of them says something like “listening to music is something I can see us doing outside this” and it’s like, I SHOULD HOPE SO. Were they planning on sitting in silence the rest of their lives? Is that what they imagined marriage to be? I’m seriously questioning how they’d describe their ideal person. Apparently it’s something like “likes music as a concept and does not immediately spit in a small child’s face.” The foundation of all great love stories, people!

Eventually we learn that “Aliyah” does have parents and in fact those parents are related to Brendan. What a relief. I know this to be true because Brendan’s brother looks exactly like him. Except his brother looks like he drank all of the whole milk growing up. 

Brendan’s brother seems to think Brendan is mature enough for marriage and approves of Tayshia. It’s weird that he phrased it like that because Brendan is 30 f*cking years old and has definitely been married before. Whatever. I’m sure Brendan’s brother really meant that and isn’t just saying that as a precautionary CPS measure, since he did leave his child with these two all day. 

Zac’s Hometown

Zac’s hometown is up next, and again there seems to be a bit of a stretch when defining one’s “hometown.” He says he’s going to bring New York City to La Quinta, and he says that with all of the confidence of someone who most definitely spent his formative years in suburban New Jersey. This feeling is reinforced when Zac hails a cab like he’s an extra on the set of Mad Men instead of calling an Uber like a normal person.

He takes Tayshia to a “true New York” bagel stand that has more fresh fruit than a Dole farm, and not one single browning banana or apple covered in a fine layer of dust like the New York bagel stands I’m accustomed to. Then there’s the New York-style pizza he offers her, which was most definitely cooked in California, if not the CiCi’s down the street. Quick question, Zac: have you ever actually been to the city before? Because I’m not convinced, buddy!

ZAC ON THIS DATE RN:

It’s clear Zac knows absolutely nothing about New York culture when the final stop on his city tour is to hop into the hotel’s fountain and dry hump Tayshia to completion. If this was a true NYC date there would be a homeless person mumbling vague threats under their breath right next to them, and they would be moments away from getting a citation from a disgruntled police officer.

Eventually, Tayshia gets to meet Zac’s actual family, and it’s fun watching her explain this date to his parents who are also supposedly from the New York area. “How did he show you New York?” “Well, we walked around in a cardboard box and made out in a fountain.” Actually, you know, that might be a more accurate New York experience when described that way.

 

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Even though Zac’s brother is just as skeptical of this relationship a as I am of Zac ever having spent an actual day in NYC, the rest of his family seems to be on board with Tayshia. His mother especially looked grateful that she might actually get some grandkids out of this, or at the very least spend an afternoon in the same general vicinity as Chris Harrison. 

Ivan’s Hometown

Let’s all just take a moment to feel grateful that we finally get to have some uninterrupted Ivan time on our screens this week. Truly, watching his adorable, normal face on my screen is putting years back on my life. *takes deep peaceful sigh* Okay, moving on. 

Their date is very cute and down to earth. They cook a meal picked out by his little niece, whose cuteness is no doubt being closely monitored by Aliyah. If she rushes their date with a piñata and some sassy one-liners we’ll know she’s feeling upstaged. Honestly, the whole thing feels very normal. At one point Tayshia even says that this date feels like something that they’d do in the real world, and it does. I actually feel like I’m watching a real, fully-formed romantic relationship on my screen, and not just some gimmicky sideshow that makes me feel better about my personal life but worse about the human condition.

Ivan lets it slip that Tayshia is only the second girl he’s ever brought home to meet his family. This is good intel to have so that after I slide into his DMs and charm him with my nudes sparkling personality I won’t be surprised to learn that I’m the third girl he’s bringing home to mom. 

I have a very real connection with this face oh my goddddd.

As far as meeting the family goes, Tayshia shows up in the exact same dress as his mother and Ivan’s dad brings up Tayshia’s divorce. So, like, it could have gone better. The real heartwarming moment from this date is when ABC brings out Ivan’s brother who’d recently been incarcerated. It’s unclear whether ABC commandeered his freedom specifically for ratings this purpose or if he’d been released prior to this episode, but either way it’s a moment. It even made me tear up a bit. Honest! My dog looked so alarmed she started barking and knocked over my wine, and I wasn’t even mad. 

Ben’s Hometown

Though Ben is from Indiana, he decides to make his hometown where he feels at home most: Venice Beach. Okay, that’s not how this works, Ben. I feel most at home on a rooftop in Miami drinking rosé by the bottle dancing my face off in a crop top, but that doesn’t mean I can claim it as my hometown! 

 

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You’re right, Ben. This feels just like Indiana!

Honestly, what’s more shocking is that Ben’s idea of an authentic good time is something straight out of any romantic comedy montage reel. Like, I would not be surprised if he presented ABC producers with the storyboard from Billboard Dad and was like “no, this is how I grew up, honest!!” They go rollerblading, take wellness shots at a juice bar (shudders), stumble upon their couple caricature, and spend the day at the “beach.” By “beach” I mean another pool date that’s masquerading as something exciting. Is anyone surprised? 

Ben doesn’t have a great turnout with his family for this date, but he does bring his sister and a famous-adjacent friend who just seem excited to get sh*t faced on The Bachelorette. Relatable. 

They both seem over the moon that a human woman is willing to put up with Ben’s sh*t, and that feels like a giant red flag to me. Perhaps what’s most disheartening is that despite all of the chemistry Ben and Tayshia definitely have, Ben’s friends have to coax an “I love you” out of him like I have to coax my blackout friend to drink water after 1am. It doesn’t go great. In the end, he isn’t able to admit his feelings for Tayshia. He resolves to be honest with her after he makes it through the next rose ceremony, and he says this with all of the confidence of an emotionally unavailable f*ckboy who girls have picked time and again at the loss of their own sanity. 

 

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Sure enough, Ben’s downfall is that he never said “I l love you.” Tayshia sends him home at the rose ceremony and, honestly, she doesn’t even seem sad about it. At one point Ben says “Don’t worry about me, I’m always alright”, which is definitely something I’ve said before eating three gallons of ice cream and sending a “do u ever miss us?” text to my ex. I do actually feel really bad for Ben. Even though he is absolutely stone faced during this conversation, I think that’s a defense mechanism more than anything else. That’s something I do when I’m upset or, like, read through any of the comments section of these recaps.  

And on that note, fantasy suite dates and the finale (??) are next week! I’d say it’s a holiday miracle but I know no one would every willingly ask to spend their holiday season with the vultures at ABC. Until next week!

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Welcome back to another riveting night of The Bachelorette! Obviously, I’m using the term “riveting” loosely here, as the only riveting things I’ve seen this season are the hoops ABC has made Chris Harrison jump through to secure his holiday bonus. Speaking of which, after two very lackluster episodes with JoJo playing host where she was the epitome of “sit here and look pretty” (come on, we all know it’s true!), Chris Harrison is back on set. He’s looking remarkably fresh-faced for a man who spent three days making trips back and forth to Target for random dorm things his son didn’t think he would need in college, like more than a single towel or one of those space-saving bins that rolls under your bed, and then another 14 days in ABC’s basement bunker as a “quarantine precaution.” Chris, you’re really doing amazing, sweetie!

This week is a big one for Tayshia because she’s somehow got to narrow down her crop of men from a number the CDC feels very uncomfortable about hanging out together indoors to four for Hometowns. And by “Hometowns”, I mean the clip art collage of popular things in said hometown that will make up the background of the patchy Zoom call with these dudes’ parents. 

CHRIS HARRISON TALKING ABOUT HUMAN MEN ON THIS SHOW: Wow, Tayshia, you’ve really cleaned house.
ALL THE MEN STILL LEFT ON TAYSHIA’S SEASON: 

Seriously, I’ve seen less men at a 2019 Houston Hall happy hour. This is about to be a bloodbath. *turns up the volume on the carnage*

Before I jump into the rest of this recap I wanted to give a bit of a disclaimer: hold onto your hats boys and girls, because I’m shaking things up. Normally, I like to keep a meticulous record of each episode and transcribe every minute detail for your personal enjoyment (and so that my therapist can have a better understanding of where my trust issues lie). This week I’m not going to do that. Last night’s episode felt super weird and rushed through, so I’m going to give you a highlights reel. I figure if ABC has the audacity to air this season through the entire fall/winter holiday season, thereby forcing me to humiliate myself in front of my immediate family as I quietly make my case for why I should have ownership of the remote and try to convince my mother that The Bachelorette is somehow better TV than rerun episodes of Jeopardy, then I’m allowed a little leeway with the format of my recaps. Onward!

Things I Wish I Could Unsee: Blake’s Boner Date

Blake’s date is perhaps the most shocking of the season because they are allowed to somehow leave the hotel’s premise for a date that is straight out of one of Spencer Pratt’s wet dreams. For this date, Tayshia and Blake are sent to the desert where a spiritual guide, who was most definitely not an actress, and super definitely not the actress who played the ghost in the haunted house episode, waved some crystals at them in an attempt to open their chakras. 

Clearly this date was ABC giving Tayshia an easy out to dump Blake. Let’s be real: Blake has big group date energy but he was never going to make it to the end of the show, when the settings get more serious and intimate. Case in point: he gets a massive boner when an elderly lady tells him to concentrate on her crystal. 

I think Tayshia was open to seeing if there was anything more to her connection with Blake, as she did come dressed for this date wearing approximately seven crystal rings on her fingers, one for every chakra. Alas, she looked deeply into his eyes and realized that he’s the kind of guy who is going to draw little cartoon dicks on every receipt, napkin, and loose piece of trash he can find. Look on the bright side, Tayshia! At least you know about his phallic obsession now before his mom let you peruse his middle school notebooks and you realized you were dating the self-proclaimed Picasso of dicks.

BLAKE AS A CHILD, I’M SURE: 

Tayshia Is The New Human Fountain Formerly Known As Ashley I.

Going into this episode, I was pumped to see Tayshia slash and burn through her remaining men. The Romans had their gladiatorial games, I have my Bachelorette rose ceremonies. We all get our kicks somewhere. So, you can imagine my disappointment when instead I was treated to two hours of watching Tayshia’s emotional breakdowns, the likes of which have not been seen since Ashley I. cried over the Arby’s Manager she now calls her husband. 

After sending Blake home, Tayshia realizes that she also needs to send Riley home. She does the compliment sandwich thing that I do when I’m trying to tell the 21-year-old intern that, while she did massively f*ck up the client’s copy, she also looks super cute today, girl! This goes over with Riley about how you’d expect. He seems upset and disappointed and honestly so am I. It seems like he should have gone further.

After sending him home, Tayshia wails “I’m sorry!!” at the fading headlights of the cab. It’s just melodramatic enough that I know she’ll be using this clip to show her “range” to future brands she wants to work with on IG.  I mean, it’s unclear what she’s sorry for exactly: wasting Riley’s time or forcing him out of the house in his slippers and jammies. I guess ABC will be FedExing him his luggage??

 

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Tayshia’s reign of terror doesn’t end there. At the next rose ceremony she sends home both Bennett and Noah. This means Zac, Ben, Brendan, and Ivan will all be sharing their Hometowns with Tayshia via a Google Earth search. 

The Men Tell Nothing And Yosef Is Still A Jerk

It’s interesting watching Chris Harrison host the Men Tell All in an empty hotel lobby. Half of what makes the Men Tell All so compelling is watching the men be skewered on stage by the withering stares of a studio audience full of wronged women. I suppose we’ll just have to hope the guys can feel our derisive stares through the television screen. Carry on.

The best one-liner of the evening comes from Noah, who screams at Kenny for apparently no reason at all: YOU ARE A ONE DIRECTION PARTY BOY MANAGER WEARING CAMO. Full disclosure: when he said that I screamed and threw my panties at the screen. Well, at least metaphorically. That’s the stuff that legends are made of. 

 

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Nothing else really happens during the Tell All—even the bloopers are boring as hell! The producers must have foreseen how much of a snooze fest this after show would be without a crowd full of bloodthirsty women hyped up on house chardonnay and the prospect of booing a room full of fancily dressed men. It’s the only reason for why they’d bring Yosef out when they’ve been trying so desperately to brush Clare’s season under the rug. 

Chris offers Yosef a chance to apologize for his behavior and he takes the rope ABC lends him to metaphorically hang himself. He wants us all to know that he’s not sorry for his actions, he’s just trying to set an example for his daughter. How else is she ever going to know how sh*tty men are if she doesn’t watch her daddy verbally abuse a woman on national television?? He said what he said, okay!! Meanwhile, the other men double down on their stance that they were willing to humiliate themselves on national television for love. In fact, that was a part of the contract they all signed. Yosef, what did you sign exactly? Honestly, the real winner of this fight was Riley and his eye rolls. 

And that’s all she wrote! Let’s hope Hometowns are more entertaining than whatever the hell I just watched on my television screen. Until then!

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Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another Tuesday where we get to watch men who have at one point in their lives most definitely measured their penises with a ruler argue about who has more emotional maturity. I’m going to skip all the bullsh*t and just jump right into this week’s recap because, and I say this begrudgingly, this week was actually pretty dramatic. I’ll give you this one, Chris Harrison JoJo Fletcher! Just the one!

When we last left off, Bennett and Noah were facing off on the two-on-one date. Bennett had just gifted Noah with the equivalent of a humble pie straight out of The Help and was in the process of explaining to Tayshia how this elaborate insult wrapped in Anthropologie wrapping paper was actually a sign of his emotional maturity. *turns up volume* 

Look, all I’m going to say is this: If Tayshia sends Noah home I will riot. Then again, I would like for her to send SOMEONE home at this point since that rose ceremony looks more crowded than an American Idol audition auditorium. 

BENNETT: I’m not a mean guy, it’s so easy to be misunderstood in this house.
TAYSHIA: So, what’s in the box?
BENNETT: Um

HAHA. Yes, Bennett, I would love to hear you explain how just because you were the mastermind behind this grand gesture of pettiness, it doesn’t actually make you petty. Tayshia asks Bennett if he’s ever questioned her integrity on this show and he says he hasn’t, he just doesn’t trust Tayshia’s judgment when it comes to Noah. Ummm, that’s kind of the same thing, bro! 

Throughout this whole conversation I can’t stop staring at Bennett’s shoes. He’s wearing white sneaks with this suit. Is that emotionally mature? Because it sure ain’t age mature. Once you hit 35, the milky white skin of your ankles is officially something I never want to see on my television screen again. 

Noah is up next. If Bennett took the offensive route, Noah takes the defensive. He launches into an attack on Bennett’s character, which will probably be the kiss of death for him. She just said she didn’t want her time dominated by sh*t talking and drama. He says that Bennett is condescending and speaks to people like they’re less than him. All valid points, and something I think they all should have foreseen after the 10th time Bennett name-dropped Harvard into casual conversation. 

Honestly, send them both home. I do not care about this fight. Send them both home and take me to some footage of Chris Harrison dropping his son off at college. Did he get the right Twin XL sheets at Bed Bath & Beyond? Tell me!!

It’s time for Tayshia to make her choice, and she’s still torn. On the one hand, she’s really falling for Bennett and the bougie aesthetic he’ll bring to her Instagram feed. On the other hand, she did already force Noah to shave his mustache and can that really be for naught? 

WHAT. SHE SENDS BENNETT HOME?! I was hoping for that, but still. Wow wow wow. I can’t wait to hear how he spins this at the next alumni Zoom happy hour. 

 

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Even though Bennett is sent home, she still won’t give Noah a rose. He’ll have to wait for his dumping at the next rose ceremony just like everyone else. Well, I think she said something like, “I guess I’ll see you later” which is the equivalent of “if you f*ck up this rose ceremony for me, you’ll wish your mustache was the only thing I took from you.” Good luck with that, Noah!

The Rose Ceremony

Noah explains to the men that, like my sanity this season, he is hanging on to Tayshia’s good graces by a thread. You can tell the guys are suppressing their disgust with Tayshia’s decision one passive-aggressive sip of their whiskey at a time. 

Tayshia tells us that Hometowns are around the corner and that’s why she’s done with all of this drama. Hold up, what? HOMETOWNS ARE AROUND THE CORNER?! She has 30 men left!! Is she massacring 15 of them tonight at the rose ceremony or something? Is this going to turn into The Purge? 

Okay, wow. The men are pulling out ALL the stops tonight. They’re lavishing Tayshia with cutesy gifts straight-up bribes to up their chances for Hometowns: Riley bakes her a cake, Zac hands her a framed picture, Ben gives her a tour of the back of his throat. It’s really sweet. 

Wait, there are only five roses up for grabs?! Damn, I was joking before but this really is turning into The Purge now. 

Here’s who goes home: Ed, Damar, and Spencer, which means Noah somehow survived another rose ceremony by the budding hairs on his chinny chin chin. I swear this guy is like a cockroach. I wouldn’t be surprised if at the final rose ceremony he walks out from stage left to propose and Tayshia is like “damn, I knew I meant to send him home before this.”

Ben’s One-On-One Date

Tayshia chooses Ben for the first one-on-one date of the week, and in theory I have nothing against this choice. He does touch his hair far too much for my liking, but fine. 

Okay, I would be pissed if JoJo was hosting my date. Chris Harrison is like the botoxed drunk uncle at Christmas who eviscerates your outfit and your life choices in between bottles of wine, but ultimately means well. JoJo is the competition. You don’t see Chris Harrison running around in hot little crop tops with perfectly curled hair. What’s your angle, JoJo??

JoJo sends them on an elaborate scavenger hunt that’s not so elaborate because they’re confined to the square footage of the La Quinta Inn. There are a confusing amount of piñatas that hold a singular clue and that concludes the date “activity.” I think Ed might have searched harder to find Tayshia’s rooms than the production team did in making this date. 

TAYSHIA: You seem too perfect
BEN: 

Okay, Ben. I’d take you more seriously if you didn’t look like a freaking Ralph Lauren model. 

During the cocktail portion of the evening, Ben elaborates more on his past. He gives a harrowing account of failed suicide attempts in the past few years and his emotional struggles after leaving the military. I’m glad he’s still here and is willing to tell his story on national television. That takes guts, and I know the audience back home appreciated his candidness. Tayshia seems to agree and gives Ben the date rose. 

 

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Sidenote: I think it’s interesting that ABC keeps giving us these “real” moments from the contestants. ABC came under fire in recent years for being tone-deaf and glossing over traumatic backstories in favor of meaningless drama that upped ratings. I was actually one of those critics, but now I’m not sure I like this new format. 

For a while now I’ve wanted to see more realness in my reality TV: more diverse cast members, more bodies that aren’t size two, more people with Instagram followings below 1k. And ABC has made great steps, don’t get me wrong, but the heaviness of these contestants’ stories feels strange and a little unsettling when juxtaposed with dates that involve the men fake orgasming over a microphone. I think for me it takes away from the authenticity of these guys and their stories. I know you can be both silly and have had traumatic things happen to you in your life, people are multifaceted after all, but the way ABC flip-flops between the two makes their pain seem gimmicky when I know it’s not. If ABC is going to shake the show’s foundation by bringing in more diverse contestants, then they need to change up the formatting too to match this new tone. IDK, maybe this is just a transition season and Matt James’ season will feel more ironed out, but right now it’s not working for me. 

The Group Date

This week, the guys are going to participate in a fun game of truth or dare, but minus the dare and with a lie detector test where their answers may or may not be presented in a court of law. See? Fun!!

Okay, they definitely got this lie detector at the clown store. Like, someone is for sure behind a curtain pressing red or green. Maybe not even a person, just ABC’s least favorite intern. Or a monkey throwing feces at a color. Who can say!!

We learn some valuable intel from the Costco brand lie detector test. Things like Noah really misses his mustache and Brendan doesn’t want to be within 10 feet of Tayshia’s family and—this is just so casual—Riley’s name isn’t actually his name! I’m loving how shocked and upset Tayshia looks over what is obviously a fake lie detector test. Anyone who has listened to, like, one episode of any true crime podcast can tell you that lie detectors mean nothing. Especially not ones that ABC bought at the mall. 

Dear god, what is Tayshia wearing? Whatever it is, I think they sell it as a duvet cover at Anthropologie.

 

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If there’s one thing this fake lie detector test has done, it’s forced the men into being honest about their pasts with Tayshia. Ladies, take note. This is the dating version of Scared Straight. All of the men seem to be opening up about their past relationships. Zac talks about his promiscuous days at the Bowl-A-Rama, Riley admits that he changed his name because of its ties to some painful family history, and Noah gets to the bottom of his facial hair issues. Yeah, that seems like an even playing field for sure. 

 

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Like the ulcer I’ve been living with since the start of this pandemic, who should pop up when you least expect it but Bennett!! He’s like “wow… that dress” and I can already tell he’s regretting coming here. 

Bennett tells Tayshia he loves her and it’s like, ooooh, buddy, this was a bad idea. Whichever producer convinced you to do this is a sadist. I love it. And on that note, I’m outtie! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Bennett can con his way back into Tayshia’s heart the same way his parents conned his spot onto Harvard’s “rowing team.” Until then!

If you’re someone who gets emotionally invested in the journey of The Bachelorette, you may also be sensitive to all the #hairbreak moments happening this season. We get it, it’s stressful watching the lead get more split ends each week. But it’s not as painful as your own hair suffering from heat damage, stress, and other causes of #hairbreak. Pantene’s Daily Moisture, Repair & Protect, and Sheer Volume Collections will bring softness, hydration, body, strength, and overall health to your hair. So even though you can’t keep Tayshia from giving the Final Rose to the wrong guy, you can stop #hairbreak. Click here to get the Pantene core collection and prevent up to 90% of future damage.

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; ABC; Giphy; @its_thesnatchelor, tvgoldtweets ,ginamodicamakeup / Instagram

Welcome back, friends, to another riveting week of watching Instagram’s thirstiest talent gallivant around a La Quinta Inn & Suites! Serious question, guys: is this season ever going to end? We’re now eight weeks into this hellscape built from Mike Fleiss’s dark quarantine imagination, and Tayshia still has a small football field full of guys left. I worry that Chris Harrison’s son will have graduated from college before this godforsaken season ends. *Heavy, dramatic sigh* I suppose that’s why there’s boxed wine. 

This week, Tayshia seems a little down, which is understandable, because at the end of all this she’s supposed to choose one of these losers as a life companion. Lol. Good luck, girl! ABC decides to put some pep in Tayshia’s step by setting up the world’s saddest brunch and a visit from former Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher. Woooow, pulling out the big guns here. I guess they can’t afford to have one more Bachelorette quit on them this season. 

I love that ABC is trying to pass off JoJo as a success story. Sure, she met a man through this show, but that man was also Jordan Rodgers and she’s been engaged to him for longer than some of Gen-Z has been alive. So, should we really be taking her advice on love?

We learn that JoJo is not just here to sip on off-brand OJ and the Eggo waffles production stole from the hotel breakfast bar—she’ll be playing Bachelorette host while Chris Harrison is moving his kid into college. This explains so much about Chris’s sudden work ethic on this show. Mainly that he has one at all these days. He needs to earn that Christmas bonus if he wants to pay for college and keep his kid on the the “rowing team.” 

JOJO WALKING ONTO SET LIKE: 

Zac’s One-On-One Date

Zac gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and I wish I could be excited for this. It’s not that I don’t like Zac per se, but he’s just so… delicate looking. It’s off-putting for me. During their date, Tayshia and Zac must participate in a wedding photoshoot, which is fun because I only have to scroll through 1,000 of these on my IG feed daily. I can barely muster up some semblance of human emotion when it’s my closest friends posting their third #tbt of the week of them nuzzling noses with their husbands. Must the insanity continue on my television screen??   

Okay, this just feels cruel. Tayshia just said she’s having PTSD flashbacks from her first marriage, and ABC does this to her! What’s next? Are they going to make them sit through a faux divorce hearing for funsies?

Zac says that Tayshia is “acting weird.” Oh really? What threw you off, Zac? That she looks like she’d like rather chew off her own arm than be in this room right now? Your observational skills are astounding, buddy.

Okay, who is the creative director behind these outfits? Because they should be burned at the stake. If this is some sort of comeback for my arch nemesis and Bachelorette stylist Cary Fetmen, then I should go ahead and just blind myself now. 

 

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TAYSHIA: You were married for less than two years? I was married for less than two years!
ZAC: I love that we can share things like that!

Yes, because nothing says budding romantic future like “I know how to get the dog and the house in a divorce.” Also, there are A LOT of divorcees in this group. I know ABC was looking for older, “more mature” men this season, but I didn’t realize that every single guy over 30 is also divorced. The future is bleak, ladies. 

Later on in the date, Zac dives into some deep sh*t. He talks about how he had a brain tumor and how that experience messed him up, which led him to substance abuse, getting arrested, and eventually breaking up his first marriage. Once again, ABC is presenting us with fully formed people and their real-life struggles, not manufactured sob stories that are mostly aired to drum up ratings. I mean this is very dark, and ABC could have easily cut this stuff out or whittled it down to just the juiciest sound bites, but instead gave us the full thing. Again, is this progress?

Also, while I’m glad Zac feels brave enough to tell his story on national television, Tayshia did ask him why he was single earlier in the season and I think he gave some variation of a shrug, when actually THIS is why he’s still single. The man has seen some sh*t. 

After a night full of soul baring, the two go on a romantic ferris wheel ride, a ride that I’m sure wasn’t at all cobbled together by Chris Harrison before taking his leave earlier that day. Their date ends with Zac getting the date rose and (probably) Tayshia giving him an over-the-pants handie for his efforts.

The Group Date

The boys walk into the next group date and the first thing they see is an aging couple embracing in the nude. So… the group date is porn? Because that feels like the natural trajectory of this season.

We learn that the boys are going to be participating in a nude art class, which should be interesting because I’m pretty sure half these guys still openly giggle when they hear the word “penis.” *cough* Blake *cough, cough* 

THE GUYS RN DRAWING THEIR FAMILY TRAUMAS: 

Christ. 

Next up on the art class agenda: the men have to create something out of clay that represents “their time with Tayshia.” Oh, and they have to do it blindfolded. Considering the only creative bone in these guys’ bodies is the linguistic gymnastics they perform when they get caught by a girlfriend for liking a Fashion Nova model’s bikini pic on Instagram and need to avoid her wrath, this clay business should be fun.

I see that I’m proven right. Blake just sculpts a massive dick. Bennett uses his clay creation as a thinly veiled excuse to talk about his extravagant number of houses. Speaking of which, did y’all just hear that? I think at the mention of “Hamptons” you could almost hear the sound of his DMs exploding. 

Finally, the men are to create a self portrait. Ah, I see they’re going to use the term “self portrait” here loosely. One guy just holds up an empty picture frame, Blake paints a turtledove, and Ivan crafts a makeshift puzzle. Meanwhile, Ben’s face every time one of them bares their soul is absolutely priceless. Ben definitely just drew a stick figure and that’s it.

He’s watching these guys pull out these high-concept art pieces (seemingly out of their asses!!) based on their various childhood traumas, and I have a feeling that the worst thing that’s ever happened to Ben was that one time he got turned away from Raya. I wonder how he’ll translate “not famous-adjacent enough” into picture form?

Oh my god. What is he doing. OH MY GOD. WHAT IS HE DOING!!! Ben decides to take the self portrait thing literally by presenting himself! In the nude!!!! MY GOD, SHE SAID EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS, NOT TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. 

BEN: This is only a small part of me.

Is that his trauma? That he has average dick?!

Even though Tayshia looks like she’d rather spend an evening in a padded cell than listen to one more second of this soul baring, there’s still more to this date! We learn that Ben’s getting naked was about more than just swinging his dick around. It’s a symbolic gesture of body positivity since he’s struggled with bulimia. I’m glad he’s sharing his story since male eating disorders are hardly ever publicized, I’m just not used to The Bachelorette being so, like, real. 

Eazy’s One-On-One Date

Eazy gets the second one-on-one date of the week, and I’m interested to see more of him. All I know is that he’s beautiful and an alleged predator and that ABC has declined to comment about it. For the date, the two of them are going ghost hunting for everything but apparently the ghosts in Eazy’s past. So, let me get this straight. In addition to being a Fear Factor set, an underground cage fighting ring, and the birth place of the esteemed Grown-Ass Man awards, La Quinta is also the grounds for supernatural energy? Wow, the branding here is all over the place. 

We learn that somewhere on hotel property, a lunatic billionaire died of mysterious circumstances. I’m pretty sure the only historic character this hotel actually has is those two aging nudists on their vacation, but sure, tell me more about this supposed ghost story. 

They go explore all of the “haunted” attractions, and I simply cannot take this date seriously. I think at one point Tayshia turns off a light and an ABC intern throws a doll on a chair. Oooh, scary. Tayshia, of course, lets out a horrific scream and it’s like, please. I’ve seen scarier sh*t in my DMs. What’s next? Juan Pablo popping out in a bedsheet as a ghost of Bachelors past?

The ghost storyline proves to be the least shocking part of this entire date, because Tayshia actually sends Eazy home after dinner. To be fair, Eazy did come out of left f*cking field with that love talk. He says that he’s falling for Tayshia and that sometimes you can just feel these things in your bones. At the use of the “L” word, Tayshia sends Eazy home on the spot. So, somehow Ed is still on this show but Eazy is gone? Make it make sense. 

The La Quinta ghosts watching Tayshia’s choice to send Eazy home #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/kAv69SiHxp

— Niki Bell (@nicoletteholly) December 2, 2020

The Two-On-One Date

Noah and Bennett are sent on the dreaded two-on-one date before tonight’s rose ceremony. It’s interesting that these two are the guys going head-to-head. On the one hand we have Bennett, who has multiple estates in tropical locales. On the other hand, we have Noah, a man who will at one point tonight try and give someone a wet willy. I can see how this choice could be debilitating for Tayshia. 

While waiting for Tayshia, you know, the whole reason these two are even allowed to breathe on our television screens, they exchange barbs that are surely making Harvard reevaluate its admission process. Bennett, being the egotistical dick that he is, decides to gift Noah with a little going away present:

 

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God, I can’t wait for Taysha to find out what’s in that box. Until next week, kids!

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Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! As weird as it’s been watching Chris Harrison on my screen on Tuesday nights instead of Monday nights, it’s even weirder that we’ll be watching grown men throw temper tantrums before being ejected from a hotel lobby during a week that’s traditionally been reserved for humbleness and gratefulness. But I suppose since Thanksgiving is cancelled and I’ll be spared from drunk relatives making passive aggressive comments about how many crop top pictures I have on Instagram, watching The Bachelorette is the closest I’ll get to experiencing that particular holiday spirit. Carry on. 

Last week, my world was rocked when a man whose entire personality is a mustache somehow managed to steal my heart a group date rose on a group date he was not even invited on! Look, I’ve spent the last week trying to understand the power of the ‘stache and I think for me there’s a nostalgic factor to it. It reminds me of high school when I crushed on a member of the Young Republicans (back in those days all it took was a frocket and Vineyard Vines croakies to get ya girl going). We were star-crossed because I was (and he used to whisper this part) a liberal and he told me it could never work (he was right). Anyways, now he lives with his parents and works at his daddy’s dealership and that feels like the appropriate life cycle for someone who used to show up to Algebra II with the facial hair of a 1970s porn star. 

Moving on. Chris Harrison declares that “Tayshia likes bold,” which is an interesting sentiment to say about a woman who continues to choose bland white guys. 

CHRIS HARRISON: I know you all have a lot of strong feelings for Tayshia, now put it in a song!
ME:

Well, now I know what I’ll say I’m not grateful for at the virtual Thanksgiving dinner table. 

Chris tells the guys that they will be competing in a songwriting competition even though literally nobody asked for this. It’s unclear as to if this is an official group date or if the men now have to compete to be on a date in general. The winner of this “date” will get to spend the rest of the evening with Tayshia. 

The men go off to write their sonnets and it’s… not going well. I have a feeling the last time these guys wrote anything it was a DM to a Russian bot disguised as a Fashion Nova Instagram model.   

BENNETT: I’ve spit some flow in my time.
ALSO BENNETT: 

Dear god, Bennett is rapping about brie. OF COURSE he’s rapping about the contents of the cheeseboard at his last alumni get together.

The rest of the guys’ performances range from “slightly cringe” to “I wish I was dead I’m so uncomfortable.” Honestly, Ivan and Demar put on decent performances and by “decent” I mean my ears didn’t completely bleed. In the end, Ivan wins the one-on-one time with Tayshia.

Ivan’s One-On-One

Back at the hotel, the other guys question Tayshia’s choice for the one-on-one date. Noah is acting far too confident for a man who is a walking punchline, and I love it. Say what you want, but the man makes for good TV! I also love that he’s now decided to brand himself as “bold.” Chris Harrison used that word one time and looked in Noah’s general direction while he said it, and now Noah is about to change his Instagram bio to “the BOLD guy from The Bachelorette.” I swear, you give these contestants an inch, and they turn it into a marketing ploy for a FabFitFun deal. 

Meanwhile, on Ivan and Tayshia’s date, their alone time starts off rocky at best. Tayshia comes up with a “game” to pass the time which involves walking on furniture and an uncomfortable amount of giggling. Oh, Tayshia. This is not a game, this is a psychotic break!! How bored are you?? A sh*tty sober version of True American is actually the saddest date I can think of. 

Even though I just mercilessly mocked this date, know that it’s only because I’m 100% dead inside. But if I did have a heart that wasn’t a charred, shriveled tumor of a thing, I would admit that actually Ivan is a real treat. It’s funny because if this were a normal season of The Bachelorette and the cast wasn’t shackled to the property line of La Quinta, I don’t think he would have gone as far on this show. He’s quiet and thoughtful and just a little bit awkward, which usually makes for a three-episode character arc MAX. He’s honestly too good for this show, but I’m glad he’s still here. Congratulations kids, you have my blessing!

In a rare show of authenticity, ABC doesn’t cut the part of the episode where Tayshia and Ivan discuss the Black Lives Matter movement and their feelings about growing up biracial in America (Tayshia is part Mexican and Ivan is part Filipino). Normally, this is the part where I’d make a snarky comment about ABC capitalizing off of genuine human pain, but honestly I’m just glad they’re giving this issue the time and attention it deserves. I’m used to them producing content that involves a soundbite of something real sandwiched between shots of contestants engaging in activities that would likely bring dishonor to their family names. Is this what progress looks like?

Unsurprisingly, Ivan gets the date rose and probably every single woman in America (myself included) will be sending him nudes in his DMs. I still think he’s way too good for this show. He’s attractive, emotionally available, and has a job that doesn’t require a swipe up code. Tayshia, I beg of you, don’t f*ck this one up!

The ‘Fear Factor’ Group Date

The losers of the song writing contest get to go on a second group date, and ABC doesn’t even try to explain the reasoning behind this. This isn’t the live audience on Ellen where everyone gets to be a winner! 

I love that even when the contestants are allowed a second chance to impress Tayshia, they’re still on a date where the sole purpose is to humiliate them. It appears that watching Blake struggle with an accordion just scratches the surface for what ABC has in store for them. Now, the guys are tasked with participating in an elaborate version of “truth or dare.” The dare portion will take place during broad daylight (all the better to watch the monkeys dance), while the truth portion will take place at night during the cocktail hour. I’m sure plying the guys with alcohol from the hotel’s bottom-shelf liquor supply will play no role in dispensing these “truths.” Carry on. 

It turns out by “truth or dare,” ABC was really going for a demented version of Fear Factor. The guys are tasked with a number of zany dares, like exposing themselves to Chris Harrison, pretending to cum over a loudspeaker, and downing ghost peppers before delivering a fake proposal. Classic. 

Hot takes from the dare date:

1. I love that the guys manage to catch Chris Harrison between bites of lobster on his casual lunch break. My breaks from work usually involve me crying softly on the floor of my living room while my dog looks on uninterestedly, but different strokes and all that. 

2. These “cum cries” are crimes against humanity and should be prosecuted as such. Have these guys never watched porn before? Where are these sounds coming from?? No one’s has a more unsettling performative orgasm than Blake, who decides to hump the podium and jizz a little bit—but only for authenticity’s sake!! I think at one point Eazy says that Blake needs Jesus, and I would add maybe an exorcist as well.  

Nothing of real interest happens during the truth portion of the game. I was ready for one of the guys to admit his first sexual experience was with a random cousin, or he has a finsta, or literally anything that could be defined as “interesting” or “shocking” but alas here we are. Bennett reveals he was engaged once before but broke it off for reasons that are mumbled under his breath, and are so garbled that not even production could decipher it for the subtitles. He admits that he feels strongly for Tayshia and I love how shocked he is at having genuine human emotions for another person. He usually reserves those kinds of sentiments for occasions where he gets to name drop his alma mater. 

Zac and Tayshia also have a moment in the hot tub that feels weirdly intimate for two strangers hanging out on public hotel grounds. They cap off their time together by testing how chlorinated that hot tub truly is. For the hotel’s sake, I hope there are toxic levels in there, judging by all the groin rubbing happening on my screen. This display of slap and tickle adoration wins Zac the group date rose (and probably a staph infection). 

The One-On-One Dates No One Asked For

Ben and Ed are the only guys feeling uneasy about their time with Tayshia this week. If you’ll recall, last week Ben was scolded on the group date for not making time to talk to Tayshia during the cocktail hour, and Ed… well he just has a lot of ground to make up for having a neck like his.

They both have the grand idea to sneak off to Tayshia’s room because nothing says thoughtful, romantic grand gesture like knocking on a woman’s door on her goddamn day off. I can’t wait to see how this strategy plays out for them. 

HAHAHAHA. I guess Ed’s producer hates him, because he ends up at Chris Harrison’s door instead of Tayshia’s. I love that even though this is clearly the wrong room, Ed still  thinks Tayshia must be in the room somewhere. The budget isn’t that tapped, Ed! They are allowed separate rooms!

Also, let’s all take a moment to process that it’s 2:30 in the morning and not only is Chris Harrison awake, but he’s got a fresh bottle of white on ice. 

 

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Okay, is it just me or does Chris Harrison look fuuuucked up tonight? Like, Ed caught him right as the chardonnay hit the sweet spot with his Xanax? 

Meanwhile, Ben does find the correct room, proving that his producer has an ounce of human kindness. He apologizes to Tayshia for not speaking to her during the group date and because it’s 2am and she’s sleep deprived she accepts his apology. 

The Rose Ceremony

Going into the rose ceremony tonight, patience is stretched thin: the men’s with Noah and mine with this plot line. As if sensing he’s not been given nearly enough screen time to warrant him having to shave off his mustache, he rolls up his sleeves and gets to stirring the f*cking pot. 

NOAH: I thought what we had was electric, Tayshia.
ME: Please never use the word electric again.

His first move is to bring up his grievances to Tayshia. Normally, I’d say this is the kiss of death for any contestant but Noah is masterful in his manipulation. He doesn’t say “mommy the other guys are picking on me.” No, instead he says “mommy the other guys don’t respect your integrity” and all but lights a match to their reputations. *slow clasps* You gotta admire his ingenuity! 

After this conversation, Tayshia hauls ass back to the rose ceremony to give the guys a verbal spanking they don’t really deserve. Honestly, I think this is the most I’ve lived this entire pandemic. *turns up volume*

Okay, Taysha is actually a very tame angry. Booooooo. Where are the tears? The huge, hiccuping sobs and mascara-running money shots? If I wanted to hear someone say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” I would pick up my mom’s FaceTimes. 

TAYSHIA: If any of you have an issue with my judgement then there’s the door, bitches.
NOAH:

Tayshia decides she’s heard enough from these losers and wants to start the rose ceremony immediately. I don’t blame her, I’ve had enough of their sh*t and I only have to spend two hours a week with them. Tayshia sends Chasen, Kenny, Jordan, and precious angel Joe home because I guess we aren’t allowed nice things. Joe, buddy, call me!

And that’s a wrap, y’all! See you hoes next week!

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Hello and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! Last week Tayshia took over as Bachelorette, and so far her reign has had a lot of highs and lows for me. The highs being a grown man whispering, straight-faced at the camera, “I’m hanging on by a piece of floss” and the lows being ABC trying to pass off basic activities any person can do on a hotel’s property as romantic, once-in-a-lifetime dates. But, you know, I ran out of high hopes for Tayshia the minute she described John Paul Jones as “serious” and “emotionally mature.” 

The Grown-Ass Man Group Date

Moving on! This week there is absolutely no preliminary bullsh*t as we dive headfirst into the first group date. I, for one, cannot wait to see how far the producers have strained their creative muscles to contort one menial hotel guest activity into some sort of extravagant date. Perhaps a romantic one-on-one during the hotel’s continental breakfast hour? A fun-filled group date of walking to the ice machine? The world 190,000 sq. feet of property is truly their oyster. 

For this group date the men are going to compete in a Grown-Ass Man competition, because apparently that is the only way to tell if a grown man has actually reached maturity. Ladies, take note. The competition will contain three components: brains, brawn, and chivalry, and will be judged by human tear duct Ashley I and her former Arby’s manager husband, Jared. Yeah, that feels legit. While we’re at it, why not bring the men’s mothers over to judge which one of their special snowflakes is the specialest out of all the snowflakes?

Well you certainly won’t find one here, Tayshia!

Now, that we’ve established the rules of the game, let’s take a moment to fully process where such an esteemed competition is taking place: the basement of this resort. That’s right, in order for Tayshia to find herself the elusive and very rare “grown-ass man”, she needs to be sequestered in a bunker listening to a bunch of dudes try and answer 2nd grade math questions. *looks skyward* You’re right, God, we did deserve 2020. 

Okay, Bennett went to Harvard like Olivia Jade went to USC. Why doesn’t he know basic math and spelling??

The brains portion of the competition will absolutely haunt my nightmares. I know there are a lot of former pro athletes this season but MY GOD how did this many children get left behind in their education? The brawn portion is not much better. Each guy is paired with another guy to face off in some weird feats of strength thing that involves dragging the weaker man’s body over a finish line where… flowers are waiting? Yeah, that doesn’t scream toxic masculinity AT ALL. 

Finally, we arrive at the chivalry portion, where the men are instructed to wine and dine Tayshia with breakfast in bed. I have a feeling most of these guys consider “breakfast in bed” to be providing a woman with water and Advil before sending her off in an Uber, so this should be interesting.  

CHASEN: I am the main course.
ALSO CHASEN: 

I’m glad my bar was set exactly where it was supposed to be!

Ed wins the Man Child award and is forced to carry around a fake baby for the remainder of the date. Tayshia says she’s proud of him for being such a “good sport” and I’m glad that this is where the bar is at in 2020 for men: hoping he won’t cause a scene after losing at something trivial and meaningless. Got it. 

Meanwhile, Bennett, who butchered more of the English language than any of my 7th grade MySpace posts ever did, somehow wins the Grown-Ass Man award. I guess Ashley I confused “intimacy” with willing to breathe the same air as a woman? Well, she did marry Jared, a man who tried and failed to date literally anyone else in Bachelor Nation before marrying her, so that tracks. 

As we move into the cocktail hour the word “grown-ass man” has been thrown around no less than 25 times in the last five minutes. If this were a drinking game I would be in a hospital somewhere getting my stomach pumped.

Mr. Man Child and Mr. Grown-Ass Man are showing real growth and maturity this evening as they sit in a corner and pettily talk sh*t about everyone else on the date. I just think it’s rich that Ed and Bennett are going to talk smack about Chasen not knowing very many adjectives when the below spelling atrocity happened mere hours before:

Tayshia seems to be having a good conversation with Ben. She says that she’s looking for someone to build an empire with her, and I’m worried she doesn’t know the meaning of “empire.” Selling his and hers FabFitFun boxes is not an empire, Tayshia!!

Tensions are HIGH between Ed, Bennett, and Chasen. It’s unclear how the beef started exactly, but Ed wants to bring up his “concerns” with Tayshia. His biggest issue with Chasen? That he’s here for the Instagram followers. Oh my god, SO IS TAYSHIA! She needs that kind of ambition for her empire!! 

CHASEN: I don’t like that you’re getting in the way of my relationship with Tayshia.
ED: Why don’t you and your medium sized shirt sit down. 

WHY DON’T YOU AND YOUR MEDIUM SIZED SHIRT SIT DOWN. I just spit out my wine all over my poor, unassuming dog. I’m dead. 

As Chasen and Ed continue to exchange barbs that would embarrass even a kindergartener, the rest of the men watch from afar with the smuggest of expressions on their faces. Too smug, in my opinion. I hate to break it to you, kids, but you’re not better than those losers. You’re all losers! Ivan, I suppose, is the least loser-y of them all because he wins himself the group date rose. Amazing. 

The Rose Ceremony

Because this is 2020 and nothing makes sense, ABC has decided to immediately transition into a rose ceremony. I would say I have emotional whiplash but that would suggest that 2020 has left me anything else to care about. 

Ed and Chasen’s beef continues into the rose ceremony. Chasen says that, yeah, he did use the word smoke show to describe both Clare and Tayshia, but how else is he supposed to compliment a lady? Take the time to learn about her life and personality in ways that feel genuine and meaningful? Don’t be crazy!! Also, I love how Chasen announced his adjective to them all like he was proud of himself for coming up with one at all. Oh, sweetie. It was a good try!

Okay, Ed needs to stop bringing up his Chasen drama with Tayshia. Doesn’t Carlos’s dad know that the lead never keeps the guy that rats on the other guys? Ed says that Chasen “got physical” with him and that feels like an extreme exaggeration of what actually happened, but fine. And you know what? Chasen actually attempts to apologize! I mean, I’m sure this apology comes from the most sincere places in his heart and has absolutely nothing to do with the sponcon deals he’s worried he’ll lose if he’s branded the villain this season… right?

In typical Man Child fashion, Ed will not accept Chasen’s apology and proceeds to make a scene. Now, I ask you, what kind of example is that to set for Carlos, Eddie? Hmm?

As the fight escalates, Zach C lets us all know that he couldn’t give a flying f*ck about this drama. I believe his exact words were something like: “I couldn’t care less, let’s just party” and then he pulled out some molly. I paraphrase. 

The rest of the rose ceremony goes on uneventfully. In the end Montel, Peter, and Jay get sent home, which tracks because before I wrote those names down I had never heard them before in my life. I’m sure you were great though, boys!

The Wrestling Group Date

Ah, yes, another group date that will take place in the hotel basement. It looks like ABC is really going to embrace the whole “finding love in a hopeless place” thing. For the second group date of the week, the men will be participating in a live wrestling match. I say “live” as if the audience will consist of more than just the hotel cleaning staff and whatever guys production was able to scrounge up who weren’t too sloshed off their hotel mini bars. 

Chris Harrison asks Tayshia if she thinks the men are any good at wrestling, and she answers with the most half-hearted “yeah” that has ever been uttered in history of yeahs. It’s less like a “yeah, we’re going to see some real examples of athletic prowess” and more like a “yeah, does this hotel have a first aid kit?”  

 

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Christ.

I can’t believe they’re oiled up. I feel like we’re watching Old School. Also, are you f*cking kidding me? They put Joe against Eazy in the line up? Joe is going to get destroyed! How are these two in the same weight class?!

What was marketed as a day of friendly competition and wholesome fun has quickly turned into an all-out bloodbath. I love that they encouraged people to fight to the death in this cage match and then are surprised that these people actually bleed. 

Ed must see the bloodlust in Chasen’s eyes, because he quickly comes up with some half-hearted reason for him to get out of their match. He says something about his knees, but I’ve had more concrete excuses to get out of my high school gym class. Maybe next time say “it’s a lady thing” and pair it with an embarrassed shrug? That always worked for me!!

CHRIS HARRISON: What do you mean you can’t fight? You’re built like a brick outhouse. 

Chris, WHERE are you getting these phrases from, bro?

With Ed out of the picture, Chasen has no one to challenge him. This prompts Noah, who wasn’t even on the group date, to volunteer as tribute for the fight. Side note: I didn’t write the recap last week so I didn’t get to give my first impression of Noah when he strolled into this season. I know you’ve all been on the edge of your seats,  so here it is: that boy is FINE. I’m not sure if it’s the porn ‘stache or the entitled way he walks into a room like he’s got his daddy’s lawyers on speed dial, but it is all working for me. 

But back to the fight: Noah decides to whip off his shirt and lube himself up in oil before bouncing over that fence with all the youthful energy of a guy who has literally never been turned down for anything a day in his life. Though he doesn’t actually win the fight, Tayshia lets him finish out the group date with the rest of the guys. She says it’s because Noah was willing to “jump a fence” for her and I would just like to point out that the last man who jumped a fence on this franchise turned out to be a legitimate stalker. So. 

Not only does Noah get to go on this group date, but he monopolizes most of Tayshia’s time. She seems transfixed by his mustache and I’m telling y’all, that thing has power. It’s unexplainable. 

 

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The rest of the men are naturally livid at this turn of events. I think it’s interesting that they think Tayshia couldn’t possibly be interested in Noah because he’s a little younger than her. Honestly, I think Tayshia’s type is blonde idiots. I mean let’s take a look at her dating history: First, she dated Colton whose fence jump was a national punchline, and then she professed her love to John Paul Jones, who is the human equivalent of a golden retriever. The history speaks for itself!

OH MY GOD IS SHE MAKING HIM SHAVE HIS MUSTACHE?! The ‘stache is his entire personality! The whole source of his charm and power! Why is she making him do this?And why is she waving that razor around like this is some weird, erotic form of foreplay?

 

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Just as Tayshia is about to hand out the group date rose, Ben asks to steal some time with her. She shoots him down, and now I’m starting to remember why I hate Tayshia. She kind of sucks. There aren’t strict rules about when the night has to end, so nice try sweetie!! Instead Noah, a man who wasn’t even on the group date, wins the group date rose and a nude from me in his DMs. 

Before I end this recap I just wanted to give an honorable shout-out to Joe. I know I barely mentioned him here, but don’t you worry, he is definitely on my radar. Joe, if you’re reading this, you are a rare gem and a national treasure. Here’s hoping ABC doesn’t do you dirty. And on that note, I’m outtie. Until next week, hoes!

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