Hey friends, long time, no talk (shit about Taylor Swift)! Taylor dropped her the “Delicate” music video on Sunday evening, so naturally I had to fire up the old YouTube and see for myself what our favorite relatable icon has been cooking up. The song itself is one of the least terrible songs on Reputation, but the “Delicate” music video is a fucking doozy. Buckle up betches, because the Taylor Swift Crazy Train is going full speed ahead.
The majority of the video takes place in like, a fancy train station lobby or a hotel or some shit like that. IDK, I wasn’t trying that hard to figure it out. Taylor actually looks good in a blue fringe gown and a slick ponytail with bangs, but everything else she’s doing in the music video is highly questionable. For the first part of the video, Taylor is being ignored by everyone around her, and she’s never looked so needy, which is saying something. In some sort of dressing room (seriously, where is this taking place?), she gets ignored by a group of models who are dressed like extras from Gossip Girl season one, which is extra funny because Taylor Swift literally built an entire friend group of supermodels.
Whilst in the dressing room, we are also subjected to a full 13 seconds of Taylor making funny faces at herself in the mirror, but I can assure you that it feels like a fucking hour and a half. I’m barely getting paid enough for this not to turn it off.
Completely shooketh from her experience in the dressing room, Taylor heads back to the lobby, where she decides, once and for all, that she has zero fucks to give. After getting ignored by some bodyguards, Taylor rips off the bottom two layers of fringe from her dress, which leaves her with only three layers of fringe. Yeah girl, you show ’em!! Nothing says “I’m a badass” like a dress that juuuuust barely breaks the dress code that we had at my middle school. Proud of her.
She starts dancing around while everyone still ignores her, and it’s like a cross between an amateur production of West Side Story and rejected choreography from a Sia video. Taylor is no Maddie Ziegler, that’s for sure. The dancing goes on for a really long time, and I feel like I’m not exaggerating that much when I say that my wheelchair-bound grandma is probably a better dancer than Taylor Swift. Too far? See Taylor, look what you made me do.
Taylor dances some more in a subway station, and I’d just like to point out that she is fully barefoot at this point. I swear to god, if I ever even thought about walking on a subway platform without wearing shoes, I’d catch a million diseases known to man and several known only to rats. After crawling onto a train, Taylor takes this party to the streets. She dances in the rain like this is her audition tape for the La La Land sequel, but Emma Stone could do better in a blindfold and a straitjacket.
The climactic moment of the video is supposed to be the very end when Taylor walks into a bar (which sounds like the beginning of a very bad joke, so I guess it’s fitting) and people finally acknowledge her presence, but I will choose, instead, to focus on the moment when Taylor drops into the splits on the hood of a car. WHAT DOES IT MEAN??? First of all, I’m impressed with her flexibility, considering that she usually gives off more of a robot/cardboard vibe. But also, like, why? Is Taylor just letting her thot side out? Is she really committing to this delusional idea that she’s a ~dancer~ now? I have no clue, but the “Delicate” music video will keep me awake tonight.
Images: Giphy (2)
There were two types of people on Thursday night: the ones who were getting blackout in costumes for Halloweekend, and everyone who stayed in with their cats to watch Taylor Swift’s “…Ready For It?” video drop. If you’re on this site I’m assuming you were part of the former camp, so I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a scene-by-scene breakdown of the “…Ready For It?” video so you can save the 3 minutes and 30 seconds of your life. You are so welcome.
Lights up. The atmosphere is grungy and intense. We’re in like, a warehouse or something, and some graffiti artist Joseph Kahn found hanging out on Canal Street has spray-painted TAYLOR SWIFT on the wall in huge red letters. We’re in for a treat.
Our first glimpse of Taylor is in closeup, where that she has some cyborg shit happening in her eyes and, more interestingly, she’s wearing an absolute fuckton of mascara on her bottom lashes. Stay tuned for like, 15 minutes from now when every pseudo-positive women’s website is calling it the new #look. Okay, now we’ve backed up a little bit and she’s wearing a black cloak like some sort of emo Little Red Riding Hood. Ugh, she took our Halloween costume idea!
The next 30 seconds are basically just her doing her best model walk down some gross hallway with a bunch of robots looking at her. What the fuck is happening here? Okay, she put in some secret numbers on a keypad, and now we’re in…another room that looks exactly the same. Except this one has naked cyborg Taylor in a glass box, and the two Taylors come face-to-face. MIND = BLOWN!!! No really, we have no idea what is supposed to be happening, and now there’s a tentacle crawling across Taylor’s face. Straight out of every one of my recent nightmares.
Okay, now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is transforming into some sort of dominatrix outfit, but we’re more concerned with the fact that someone let her leave the house with soaking wet hair. Like, girl, we know you can afford a blowdryer! You’ll catch a cold!
Okay now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is a milky white color (aka my skin tone in one month’s time), and she’s sitting on a horse. This is probably some reference to “Wildest Dreams” or some shit, but I don’t even want to go there because I’m sure Buzzfeed is all over it rn. After the horse grows some armor and then disappears, naked cyborg Taylor looks at this blue orb thing and then it starts to make her float. Kind of reminiscent of when I finally get a text back after triple-texting, but IDK maybe that’s just me.
The little blue sparks floating around her look like giant sperm. There, we said it.
Naked cyborg Taylor can also create lightning bolts! Someone should really let her know that all the Marvel movies have already been cast, because this feels like an audition tape that no one asked for. Also, naked cyborg Taylor is wearing heels despite being LITERALLY naked, because women just have to do it all.
Okay, the glass shatters and original Taylor like, disintegrates into dust or something, which we’re pretty happy about, she was getting annoying. But unfortunately, this allows naked cyborg Taylor to reach her full potential, aka she spends the last few seconds of the video just sort of walking around and looking smug. Sounds like the old Taylor we know and love (to hate).
^This is the new Kermit/Inner Kermit meme, I’m calling it now.
Well, it’s only 10am, but I’m strongly considering drinking right now. Thanks Taylor, you make me a better person!
Images: Taylor Swift / Youtube (5)