Remember last week, when we talked about how Taylor Swift had been prancing around London shooting a music video and generally being the worst? Scratch that. Well, not completely, but file it away somewhere for now, because Taylor’s next music video is actually going to be much, much worse different than we expected.
Taylor teased a few seconds of the “…Ready For It?” video on Instagram, and our minds are melting. The girl has gone wild. The preview is only a few brief shots, but there’s already so much to talk shit about discuss.
First of all, we see her name in some Transformers type font with lightning bolts going across it. It’s basically what a sixth grade boy would design for himself if he knew how to do animation, so it’s a major vibe for Taylor.
The actual shots of the video are giving strong sci-fi dystopian imagery, which I guess is the logical next move for her career. We briefly see her as some sort of naked cyborg, which is honestly a very big deal because up until this point, Taylor has made (what I assume to be) a conscious decision to never show herself naked. And when Kanye infamously portrayed her naked figure in the “Famous” music video, Taylor lost her shit. So this decision is actually, dare I say, huge. Does it mean Taylor has finally said “fuck it” and embraced the new Taylor (whoever she is)? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out.
A lot of people are comparing this video clip to Scarlett Johansson in the movie Ghost in the Shell, which would be cool except that movie bombed at the box office and got tons of criticism for white-washing the main character. Good thing Taylor is super exotic looking and definitely not white!!
We also get little glimpses of Taylor in a cape with a hood, as well as controlling lightning with her fingertip like she’s about to introduce a Disney Channel Original Movie. Basically, Taylor is going for some high-concept shit with this video, and we’re very curious to see how this turns out. Can’t wait for Thursday!
Okay so sure, we all probably know that Taylor Swift’s new very bad song “Look What You Made Me Do” is (in my opinion) obviously about Kim, Kanye, Katy Perry, Calvin Harris, The Barista Who Got Her Drink Order Wrong, and everyone else who pissed her off in 2017, but there are several clues throughout the track that actually pointed to someone else: Arya Stark. Game Of Thrones fans are used to tying together vague clues and foreshadowing, so it took less than -.5 seconds for Twitter to see the connection between Swift’s new lyrics and the life and times of the Stark family’s most fucked up ninja. Don’t believe me? Here’s a breakdown:
Remember the time those actors in Braavos put on a play about the War Of Five Kings where they portrayed Ned Stark as a huge dumbass?
Well then look at this:
I don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play
Of the fool
Okay, so that isn’t like, exactly her life, but then you look at this line:
I don’t like your kingdom keys
They once belonged to me
Umm…Cersei much? Or, after the last episode, maybe a veiled threat at Sansa? Unclear. Then there is this line which is CLEARLY about The Red Wedding:
You asked me for a place to sleep
Locked me out and threw a feast
Wow. Didn’t realize Taylor also had beef with Walden Frey. Interesting.
Of course, there’s one line in particular that got GOT fans screaming “A GIRL HAS NO NEW SINGLE!!” as soon as they heard it:
I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice
Okay. So that is definitely about Arya Stark’s famous list of people who she’s going to kill. Right!?! And obviously has us all speculating—does T Swizzle have a kill list? If so, who is on it? Kimye, obviously. Then, depending on whether or not they actually make up at the VMAS, Katy Perry. Then…Calvin? Harry Styles? Jake Gyllenhaal? THE HOUND?!?
Oh, and let’s not forget the whole “The old Taylor is dead” motif throughout the lyric video. Is this a nod to Taylor’s recent training as a Faceless Man? Was she being carried out of her apartment because she was on some kind of a Faceless Man mission? Is that why she was MIA all year? It’s all coming together.
I mean, probs not, but I think we can all agree on one thing: this theory is a fuckload more interesting than this song.
After deleting her entire social media presence and replacing it with cryptic snake-based messages, it’s pretty safe to say that Taylor Swift is planning something. Something huge. Something…musical. Today, we got the final piece of the T-Swift puzzle when Taylor released the album art for what will be her sixth album, which we now know will be called Reputation. So yeah, I think it’s safe to say the snake emojis bothered her. A lot. And yeah, 2016 was not the best year for America Taylor Swift. Between the over-saturation and love-turned-fiery-hatred of her “squad,” shade from exes and Katy Perry alike, and the now-infamous (alleged) dragging of Swiz by Kimye on Instagram, one can see why the word “reputation” would be on Taylor’s mind. But the real question is…how do we feel about it? Is this going to be the savage clap back against the haters that Taylor is clearly positioning it to be, or will it be a desperate attempt by the world’s least chill celebrity to try and seem above it all?
Honestly, either scenario is equally likely, so let’s speculate wildly about an album we haven’t heard yet break down the cases for and against this album.
FOR: Remember “Blank Space”?
The last time Taylor Swift used a song to respond to a negative media image of her, it was the song “Blank Space”, and it was fucking amazing. I remember the first time I heard it. I legit started crying. That’s true. It’s also true that I was balls deep in a breakup with a fuckboy and not 100% sober but still—I cried. If this next drop is anything like “Blank Space”, I think it’s safe to say drunk white girls will be screaming and hissing along to this tune for the next year and a half.
AGAINST: Remember The “Bad Blood” Video?
Ugh. I still have PTSD from the campaign for this video. The last time Taylor revved up her social media hype machine this much, it was the unfortunate introduction of her “squad” via the “Bad Blood” video, aka “Supermodels With Stupid Names Green Screened In Front Of Fire In A Weird Attempt To Intimidate Katy Perry”. Taylor gathered every model she could find and Mariska Hargitay for what was supposed to be a badass girl power anthem, and turned out to be a bunch of awkward non-actors in leather and Lena Dunham smoking a cigar. If the word “squad” makes your stomach churn, you can trace that feeling back to this fucking video. If Taylor’s latest social campaign is anything like her last, Swifties will ruin the concept of “snakes” so fast Satan will have to re-brand.
^ Anytime I feel underdressed, I think about Lena Dunham in this photo and feel instantly better.
FOR: I Mean, It’s Taylor Swift
Say what you want about Taylor—that she’s a snake (she is), a delusional dater (oh honey yes), and just like kind of annoying (yup), but homegirl has never released a bad album. Never. Red? That shit was jam. Speak Now? Yes please. Literally the entirety of 1989? Iconic. If literally every album Taylor Swift has ever released is any indication, this one will probably be good.
AGAINST: The Lady Doth Protest Too Much
Sorry to get all Cliff’s Notes Shakespeare on ya, but this all feels a little desperate, doesn’t it? It’s like, the girl who tries to prove she’s over her ex by talking about how over her ex she is every second. At this point, I think the only thing that is 100% clear about this album is that Taylor Swift did not appreciate the snake memes, and would like to be excluded from this narrative, but also wants to control the narrative with an iron fist. Like, is this an album, or a pity party? Also just like, take a shot and get over it girl, you’re still a fucking millionaire.
So there we have it. It’s a draw. This album is either going to be the best fucking drop of 2017 (likely) or a cringe-worthy Pinterest board of cliché comebacks set to a mediocre club beat (**cough* “Swish Swish”**cough**) that will make us miss the days when she was filling our newsfeeds with pictures of her and Cara Delevigne and using white feminism to boost record sales. If there’s one thing the we do know, however, it’s that this new Dark Taylor is definitely coming for Kim Kardashian, and I literally cannot wait to see how Kim responds.
Last summer, Taylor Swift reached peak snake status. Kim Kardashian posted that infamous video recording on Snapchat, and Taylor broke up with Calvin Harris like a week after he was in a car accident. But one of the best parts was when Calvin completely went off about Taylor on Twitter.
It was just after “word got out” that Taylor had actually written the lyrics for “This Is What You Came For,” and Calvin was having none of it. He tweeted that Taylor should focus on her new relationship (Tom Hiddleston, RIP) instead of “tearing your ex bf down for something to do,” and that she was trying to “bury him like Katy but I’m not the guy.”
Cue applause, bouquets of flowers, Champagne, because it looked like Calvin was 100% fucking done with Taylor’s bullshit and was ready to go on the warpath. Buuuuuut it was all too good to be true. In new quotes that have surfaced from an interview with British GQ last year, Calvin says that he acted on the wrong instinct, and that he just snapped after feeling like his talent was belittled.
He says that he doesn’t blame Taylor but the media circus got to him and blah blah blah are you done yet? Like, sorry if Taylor’s 12-year-old fans aren’t buying your new album, but this is just lame. If Taylor went around apologizing after saying something bad about an ex, she literally wouldn’t have any music left. Her Spotify catalog would basically be “Welcome to New York,” and then some shit from the Hunger Games soundtrack.
Calvin, we liked you. Sometimes your taste in women is questionable, but you’ve given us no less than three Rihanna bangers, and for that we are grateful. Now grow a pair and don’t say anything nice about Taylor Swift ever again.
