For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And for every Taylor Swift tune, there is some sad-ass male celebrity the song is about. Anyone who is even remotely familiar with Taylor’s discography—aka anyone who has ever gone through a traumatic breakup, or turned on the radio for one second—knows Swift’s whole “thing” is putting clues in her songs so you know who she’s lyrically roasting. She used to hide these clues in the liner notes of her CDs, but since CDs are over, we only have her lyrics to rely on when untangling the mystery of who Taylor Swift’s new single “Gorgeous” is about. Luckily for us, subtlety is not Taylor’s strong suit. I mean, her last music video literally started with a gravestone that said “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” on it. If homegirl wants you to know something, she will fucking tell you. And it is armed with that very info that we can say, categorically, that Taylor Swift’s new song is about none other than fully hot ex boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston.
So like, how do we know this? Mainly because she mentions blue eyes like, 100 fucking times, and Tom Hiddleston has—you guessed it—blue eyes. Now please excuse me while I accept the Nobel Prize for sleuthing. Honestly, it’s kind of nice to see Taylor writing about an ex instead of trying to reclaim the narrative of the Kimye fiasco by talking about snakes all the fucking time. Could it be that the Old Taylor is still very much alive? Is she living in a secret Cuban compound with Tupac, popping out posthumous singles until it is safe for her to return to the U.S.? Is this conspiracy theory my new life’s work? Yes. Yes to all.
We only have heard three songs off Reputation so far, and if they’re any indication, this album is going to be less about the guy that most recently broke her heart, and more about every person who has ever fucked with her in the history of the world.
Let’s break it down:
“Look What You Made Me Do” – About the Kimye feud, obviously. Also, being that this song is such a graveyard smash, I have a working theory this song is actually just an homage to “The Monster Mash”, which I think we all can appreciate.
“…Ready For It?” – Fans are divided on whether or not this song is about her new BF Joe Alwyn or her ex Harry Styles. What we can all agree on is that this one is def an Old Taylor style relationship inspired tune, further proving my theory that the Old Taylor is alive and well. #OldTaylorTruther
And now, of course, we have “Gorgeous”, which everyone agrees is about Tom Hiddleston. And if you’re thinking, “Okay, but Taylor Swift has definitely dated other blue eyed people, right?” Sure. But Tom Hiddleston’s eyes are the bluest, and that’s the point.
Anyway, time to update our running list of who every T. Swift song is about. I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be updating it until the day that I die.
Okay so sure, we all probably know that Taylor Swift’s new very bad song “Look What You Made Me Do” is (in my opinion) obviously about Kim, Kanye, Katy Perry, Calvin Harris, The Barista Who Got Her Drink Order Wrong, and everyone else who pissed her off in 2017, but there are several clues throughout the track that actually pointed to someone else: Arya Stark. Game Of Thrones fans are used to tying together vague clues and foreshadowing, so it took less than -.5 seconds for Twitter to see the connection between Swift’s new lyrics and the life and times of the Stark family’s most fucked up ninja. Don’t believe me? Here’s a breakdown:
Remember the time those actors in Braavos put on a play about the War Of Five Kings where they portrayed Ned Stark as a huge dumbass?
Well then look at this:
I don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play
Of the fool
Okay, so that isn’t like, exactly her life, but then you look at this line:
I don’t like your kingdom keys
They once belonged to me
Umm…Cersei much? Or, after the last episode, maybe a veiled threat at Sansa? Unclear. Then there is this line which is CLEARLY about The Red Wedding:
You asked me for a place to sleep
Locked me out and threw a feast
Wow. Didn’t realize Taylor also had beef with Walden Frey. Interesting.
Of course, there’s one line in particular that got GOT fans screaming “A GIRL HAS NO NEW SINGLE!!” as soon as they heard it:
I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice
Okay. So that is definitely about Arya Stark’s famous list of people who she’s going to kill. Right!?! And obviously has us all speculating—does T Swizzle have a kill list? If so, who is on it? Kimye, obviously. Then, depending on whether or not they actually make up at the VMAS, Katy Perry. Then…Calvin? Harry Styles? Jake Gyllenhaal? THE HOUND?!?
Oh, and let’s not forget the whole “The old Taylor is dead” motif throughout the lyric video. Is this a nod to Taylor’s recent training as a Faceless Man? Was she being carried out of her apartment because she was on some kind of a Faceless Man mission? Is that why she was MIA all year? It’s all coming together.
I mean, probs not, but I think we can all agree on one thing: this theory is a fuckload more interesting than this song.
