Taylor Swift’s birthday, and after having a full year to reflect on her Reputation (see what I did there?) it’s time to answer a question that has plagued the nation since Taylor first burst onto the scene as a crimped-haired 16-year-old from Pennsylvania who inexplicably plays country music: is Taylor Swift still annoying? And readers, I’d go so far as to pose another question: was she ever annoying? Or is her “annoying” reputation just mirror, a mere reflection of society’s own annoyingness?

Okay so maybe I took that one step too far.

After a lengthy examination of my own beliefs (I was on the “Taylor Swift is a psycho” bandwagon until this year), my answer to the “is Taylor Swift still annoying?” question is a resounding no. This will probably come as a shock to OG Betches fans, who know that we’ve been casually (and not-so-casually) shading Swift for years, but I am here to make amends. I repent. I take it back. A lot of Taylor’s “annoying” reputation (okay I’m going to stop saying “reputation” now) comes not from things she’s actually done, but from what we think she’s up to. In this essay, I will examine all the reasons Taylor haters (Tayters?) think Taylor Swift is bad, debunking them one by one. Yes, this is my job and sole source of income.

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because She Writes About Breakups

So, we’ve covered this topic extensively in our article “Why Is Ariana Grande Celebrated For Doing What Taylor Swift Is Mocked For?” (hello Pulitzer), but let me just say, as a person who once made this argument, this argument is bullsh*t. It is *dusts off Women’s Studies degree* steeped in misogyny. Men sing about heartbreak and love all the time. Ed Sheeran was literally created in a lab for this exact purpose. Drake has called his exes out by name and place of employment (hi, Courtney from Hooters), and nobody has come after him over it. Furthermore, other women sing about breakups and heartbreak all the time (see: Adele’s entire career) but for some reason Taylor is the only one who gets slammed for it. Why? Because Taylor’s songs are perceived as being not just for women, but for young girls, and because society does not value young girls, they do not value Taylor. Never mind that plenty of women in their late 20s (me) listen to Taylor Swift regularly, she is mostly associated with speaking about the thoughts and feelings of young girls, and for that she must be punished.

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because Of Her Dating Habits

This is a difficult one because I can’t just sit here and deny the facts. Taylor brings this criticism on herself by exclusively and publicly dating other celebrities, then hiding clues about them in the liner notes of her songs and/or trashing them at public appearances, A brief list of the people Taylor Swift has dated includes (but is not limited to): Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, Cory Monteith (RIP), Conor Kennedy, Calvin Harris, and Tom Hiddelston (though I think we can all agree that last one was fake). So yeah, that’s a lot. And I still maintain the fact that she tried to buy a house next to Conor Kennedy’s house after three months of dating is the most certifiably insane thing I’ve ever heard—but now, rather than hating on her for it, I f*cking love it. Yes b*tch! Get down with your crazy ass! Who among us hasn’t wanted to spectacularly drag their exes on the world stage? Who among us would not date a string of handsome celebrities, if a string of handsome celebrities wanted to date us? I know I would!

(Except for John Mayer. I would never go anywhere near John Mayer.)

Furthermore, Taylor appears to have turned a new leaf with boyfriend of two years Joe Alwyn. Sure, she still wrote a f*ckton of songs about him on Reputation, but their relationship has been relatively private and low-key. Rumor has it that she is “more serious” about Alwyn than any of her previous boyfriends, and an even more scandalous rumor says he may be looking to propose.

Of course, that could all just be some fake bullsh*t designed to keep Taylor’s name in the papers. Which brings us to…

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because She Is Fake

So let’s first start off by saying that every celebrity is fake. Every single one. Some have fake bodies, some have fake souls, some have fake bodies and fake souls, but all of them have a team of people crafting their image at all times. The only thing Taylor Swift is guilty of is being less adept at hiding it.

The world first started getting wind of Taylor’s supposed fakeness during the 1989 tour, when suddenly every model that had ever walked the runway was Taylor’s best friend. How did this friend group form so suddenly? Could it be…A PUBLICITY STUNT? This, coupled with the fact that she was engaged in a pretty obviously fake relationship with Tom Hiddleston, did not look great for Tay’s authenticity.

Things only got worse in February of 2016 when the Kimye feud exploded. For a refresher: Kanye wrote the lyric “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex/ Why, I made that bitch famous” in his song “Famous.” Aside from the fact that Kanye did not make Taylor Swift famous (she was actively winning a VMA when the infamous “Imma let you finish but…” incident went down), Taylor didn’t love being called a bitch and made a speech at the Grammys that was seen as a dig at Kanye. Then there was some back-and-forth over whether or not Kanye had cleared the lyrics by Taylor ahead of time, which all ended in Kim releasing footage of Kanye asking Taylor about the lyric ahead of time.

And yes, Taylor did come across as supportive of the lyrics in the leaked video, but contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t actually contradict what she said. Kanye only runs the first part of the lyric by her, leaving the “bitch” out. Should Taylor have made that more clear/maybe just not f*cking said anything at all about this? Sure. But after watching Kanye’s behavior this past year, I’m ready to retroactively support Taylor in this feud.

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because Her Music Is Bad

False.

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because Her Politics Suck

Okay so this one takes a little bit of explanation. During and after the 2016 election (remember it?), many people noticed that T-Swift was conspicuously silent on the political front, in contrast to her women’s marching, Hillary-voting counterparts like Ariana Grande and Katy Perry. This led to a lot of speculation from me all corners of the internet that Taylor was either a) not speaking up about politics because a lot of her fans might be Trump supporters and she needs that $$$ or 2) a secret Republican herself.

This was all made worse in May of 2016 when neo-Nazis declared Taylor to be an “Aryan Goddess” who was just waiting for Donald Trump to become president so she could announce her new role as Lady Hitler. VICE did a deep-dive into the Nazis’ half-joking love of Taylor, including claims that her songs “red-pilled” America into being conservative (kill me) and that her many lyrics about blue eyes were secret Nazi code.

It even went so far as to lead Swift to file a lawsuit against a writer who claimed she’d hidden Nazi imagery in the “Look What You Made Me Do” video. This, combined with Taylor’s admittedly white fan base and friend group, plus the manic hysteria that befell the country as soon as Donald Trump took office, was a v powerful combo. The host of The Apprentice had just become president! Was it really so far off that one of the top pop stars of our era could also be hiding a bubblegum statue of Richard Spencer in her closet?

I mean, yes, it was. But again, it was 2016, and we were hysterical. It goes without saying that just because someone dates people with blue eyes, it does not mean that they believe white people are the master race. It just means she likes blue eyes which, by the way, are a genetic anomaly that can occur in individuals with a variety of racial backgrounds.

Even if you didn’t believe Taylor Swift was like, a Nazi-Nazi, rumors about her political affiliation and speculation about her beliefs persisted until the year of our Lord 2018 when she rocked the world by announcing she would be voting for Democrat Phil Bredesen in Tennessee’s Senate election. She followed this post up with several notices about early voting, and vote.org saw a major spike in voter registration following her post.

 

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I’m writing this post about the upcoming midterm elections on November 6th, in which I’ll be voting in the state of Tennessee. In the past I’ve been reluctant to publicly voice my political opinions, but due to several events in my life and in the world in the past two years, I feel very differently about that now. I always have and always will cast my vote based on which candidate will protect and fight for the human rights I believe we all deserve in this country. I believe in the fight for LGBTQ rights, and that any form of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender is WRONG. I believe that the systemic racism we still see in this country towards people of color is terrifying, sickening and prevalent. I cannot vote for someone who will not be willing to fight for dignity for ALL Americans, no matter their skin color, gender or who they love. Running for Senate in the state of Tennessee is a woman named Marsha Blackburn. As much as I have in the past and would like to continue voting for women in office, I cannot support Marsha Blackburn. Her voting record in Congress appalls and terrifies me. She voted against equal pay for women. She voted against the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, which attempts to protect women from domestic violence, stalking, and date rape. She believes businesses have a right to refuse service to gay couples. She also believes they should not have the right to marry. These are not MY Tennessee values. I will be voting for Phil Bredesen for Senate and Jim Cooper for House of Representatives. Please, please educate yourself on the candidates running in your state and vote based on who most closely represents your values. For a lot of us, we may never find a candidate or party with whom we agree 100% on every issue, but we have to vote anyway. So many intelligent, thoughtful, self-possessed people have turned 18 in the past two years and now have the right and privilege to make their vote count. But first you need to register, which is quick and easy to do. October 9th is the LAST DAY to register to vote in the state of TN. Go to vote.org and you can find all the info. Happy Voting! ????????????

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Oct 7, 2018 at 4:33pm PDT

So let this be a lesson to all of us—just because a person doesn’t scream about politics constantly in their daily life (hi, me), it doesn’t meant they’re like, heiling Hitler in private.

Taylor Swift Is Annoying Because Her Fans Are Annoying

Okay so this one is actually true, but it’s not Taylor’s fault. As previously discussed, Taylor’s music resonates most closely with horned-up 13-year-olds aka the most vicious group of individuals who exist on the internet. Taylor cannot control this. Horned-up 13-year-olds cannot be controlled.

So happy 29th birthday to Taylor Swift. I have gotten you the gift of being declared officially “not annoying” as of today. Try not to f*ck it up, okay?

If you felt the sudden urge to be petty af today, or to hit up your ex boyfriend just to confuse him, that’s probably because it is Taylor Swift’s birthday. We’ve seen Taylor grow from a 16-year-old country music star with impossibly curly hair to a 28-eight-year-old pop music graveyard girl with shorter impossibly curly hair. It’s kind of inspiring. Being that Taylor is almost 30 (gasp!!!), it’s probably time she update some of her more teenager-ey tunes to reflect her late-twenties lifestyle. You know, replacing the references to high school with references to LinkedIn, and adding in more lines about how you thought you’d be married or have a house by now, but instead you still have 5 roommates and are trolling for dick on Hinge. Inspiring stuff. 

Anyway, to help welcome Taylor into the world of old millennials, we’ve updated the lyrics to her song “22” to reflect her new 28-year-old lifestyle. It’s a lot less dressing up like hipsters and clubbing, and a lot more putting on sweatpants (because your metabolism has slowed down irreparably and they’re the only thing that fit you right now) and texting your mom about how sad you are. It’s honestly better than it sounds. 

“28” by Taylor Swift (sort of) 

It feels like the perfect night to put on pajamas
And binge watch Netflix uh, uh, uh uh
It feels like the perfect night to but shit off Amazon
And fall asleep early, oh yeah

Yeah, we’re anxious depressed overworked and hangry at the same time
It’s miserable and miserable oh yeahhhh
Oh fuck I realized I forgot all my deadlines, oh shit

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll act fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight (twenty-eight)

It seems like one of those nights
I’m leaving early. This place is too crowded. Too many college kids, uh uh, uh uh
It seems like one of those nights
We Irish goodbye
And drink some boxed wine
Yeah

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight
I cancel basically all my plans now, so you’re lucky I came out
You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty
I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll be fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight