To the surprise of literally everyone I know, I got my first tattoo last weekend! Here’s the story: I have always thought tattoos are cool, but I never bought into the idea of memorializing something important to me with one. Like, I don’t need to get a tattoo of my favorite city to remind myself that I lived there—you know? So I got a tattoo simply because I wanted one, knowing full well that it wasn’t going to mean jack sh*t beyond “this is pretty.” And I am totally happy with that.
My tat is a tiny outline of a heart on the underside of my wrist. I knew I wanted something little because a huge tattoo just doesn’t really go with my general nice Jewish girl vibe, and because if it really hurt, I wanted it to only last like, two minutes. Am I an adult with the pain tolerance of a newborn? You betcha! So if you’re thinking of getting a tattoo, please take the advice of someone with zero regrets and quite a few f*cks to give. These are the mistakes to not make when getting your first tattoo, but could apply for any tattoo.
1. Don’t Get A Cheap Tattoo
My tattoo is literally the size of a pencil eraser and I still spent $100 on it, which I initially thought was absurd. Yes, I live in Manhattan where prices are more inflated than Kylie Jenner’s ass, but a crisp Benjamin for a centimeter of ink? Surely that’s got to be robbery, yes?
No. After doing as much research on this as I did on my thesis in college, I discovered that any good tattoo parlor should have a start price of around $100 (in New York, at least), no matter how small the tattoo. I Yelped all of the cheaper places ($50 and below start price) and they got horrendous reviews. It’s almost as if… you get what you pay for? Of course, there are always exceptions, but when it comes to getting something permanently placed on your body, just pay a little more to ensure it’s exactly what you want. Generally cheaper places use less skilled artists and cheaper ink, which is just a bad combo and leaves a lot of room for mistakes. The lower grade ink, which your body breaks down faster than really good ink, will fade pretty quickly, and on top of that, bad quality ink can bleed over the original lines and smear. Gross. All in all, the last time you want to cut corners or get a Groupon is when you’re getting something stabbed into your body forever. (More on the stabbing shortly.)
2. Don’t Listen To Your Friends
Go with your gut and do everything in your power to not ask for or listen to other people’s opinions. The one benefit to telling people you’re getting your first tattoo is that they’ll hold you accountable and make sure you actually go through with it, but the downsides outweigh the one upside. That’s because everybody has an opinion. Do your best to get what you wanted where you wanted it when you first decided you wanted to get a tattoo. I knew I wanted it on my wrist, but as I was standing there waiting for the stencil to be done, I started having doubts and tried to convince myself that I wanted it on the crook of my arm or behind my ear, so I asked my roommate what she thought and then my brain exploded and it was not pretty. Anyway, guess where it is? It’s on my wrist because that’s where I originally wanted it. Going with your gut is generally life’s main rule, but in the case of getting your first tattoo, it’s especially true.
3. Don’t Ignore Aftercare
Getting a tattoo is essentially a cute collection of tiny stab wounds that are marked with ink so that you can never forget about that time you paid a lot of money to get stabbed by a professional stabber. Thus, a fresh tattoo is an open injury that needs to heal properly or it will look ratchet as hell down the line. For my little tat, I was instructed to keep it covered with a bandage that the shop gave me for a few hours, then gently wash with unscented soap and moisturize with an unscented moisturizer. I used Dr. Bronner’s soap and a tiny bit of Cetaphil, and I am pretty happy with what’s happening on my wrist two days later.
After a few days, the ink starts to scab over and peel on its own. Don’t pick at it! If you pick at it, you will accidentally pull the ink out. Generally, aftercare is a little more crucial for bigger tattoos, but either way, it shouldn’t be ignored if you want to get and keep what you paid for. Can we also acknowledge that my nail polish looks 100 after four days?
4. Don’t Get A Huge First Tattoo
Look, if you’ve never gotten a tattoo before, don’t go big on the first one. Start small, like Maui in Moana did, and make sure you’re into the look and experience before going bigger and/or getting more. Honestly, because it didn’t hurt at all and it’s the literal cutest thing I’ve ever seen, my first tattoo is going to be my gateway to more, and that’s totally fine with me. Starting small is never a bad thing when it comes to most things, anyway. A friend of mine got a stick-and-poke (the OG tattoo method) of a giant bird on her thigh—and guess what? It’s kind of ugly and she doesn’t love it. She also struggles to cover it up because it’s huge. Yikes. Getting a large tat is never a bad thing if it’s what you want, but for your first tattoo, you won’t really have a sense for what’s what, so starting small is the move.
5. Don’t Forget To Research
No matter how lazy you are with work, the shop where you’ll get your first tattoo is one piece of research you should definitely do. Every shop is different and specializes in different styles and techniques. Mine was so tiny that I assumed it’d be really hard to screw up, but after beginning my research binge, I learned that for something so small and dainty, I had to go to a parlor that offered a single-needle machine, which a lot of places do not. And if you’re getting a really intricate design with a lot of shading, you basically need to be on the hunt for Michelangelo, because that stuff is a true art form that can very easily look horrible. Take the time to read reviews and check out different Instagrams for actual examples of the place’s work before booking an appointment or walking in. If you like what you see, reach out and ask questions on questions.
6. Don’t Ignore Your Artist’s Opinion
I know I literally just said to ignore anyone with an opinion, but I didn’t mean ignore the expert. I originally wanted a tiny, filled-in heart with red ink and walked out with a tiny, outlined heart with black ink. Why? My artist, Joel at Fun City Tattoo, basically told me that red ink gets broken up first, meaning it will fade really fast. He also said getting a tiny shape in red on my wrist will likely look like a really infected bug bite, which was 100% not what I was going for. After he suggested doing black ink and not filled in, I thought about it for a bit before remembering that he is an expert and I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, so I should trust him. If you can’t tell, I am obsessed with his work and he was totally right.
Images: Giphy; Unsplash; Instagram
I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:
Something From Harry Potter
First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know
very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs.
A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object
This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.
Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.
Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved
freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.
Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.
A Matching BFF Tattoo
You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently
mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.
^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with