So, you’ve selected a victim for cuffing season. Jazz snaps for you. While we’re all SUPER happy that you have someone to bother and suck face with for the next three to ten months, your annoying couples pictures are getting nauseating. See, we’re all like, fine and okay with a candid shot of you all chugging beers or slamming pizzas or embarassing your dog once in awhile. But there are lines that you’re habitually crossing, and we have to call you out on them.
If you’re doing any of the below things on your Instas, Snaps, or Facebook couples pictures, please cease and desist before we all unfollow and unfriend you. You’ve been warned.
Working Out Together And Pausing For A Selfie
DO YOU EVEN CROSSFIT BRO. Thanks so much for taking the time and pausing between blasting your quads and flexing your pecks to snap a photo letting us know how much you love each other and love staying fit. Did you take a hot yoga class, too? Gosh, you guys must have an AMAZING sex life. We’re all so jelly. Please tell us more. I bet sweating and holding in farts with a room of strangers is WAY BETTER than inhaling a Pizza Hut Deep Dish while wearing sweatpants and watching 90 Day Fiancé, right? I regret nothing.
Blatantly Copying Other People’s Cool Ideas
You know that Insta that started out cool, with the girl dragging leading her boyfriend by the hand while they wandered the pyramids of Egypt and gardens in Paris and white beaches in Mykonos? Yeah, so, that couple did it already, then millions of other couples followed suit. What started out cool and original is now one of the most overused and annoying couples pictures to ever sully my Instagram feed, so please just don’t. Congrats on blowing your savings on traveling, then pausing for such an #inspirational and #couplesgoals pic.
It was funny when Will Ferrell and the Anchorman crew did it before the great newscaster rumble. That was, what? 10 years ago? Congrats on yelling at each other until you both leave the ground at the same time in order to nail this pic. Too bad the camera didn’t capture you losing your balance when you came back to the ground, falling, and snapping your ankle. Casts aren’t cute on anyone, fam.
V Average Date Nights
OMG AWWW did you go to the BEST restaurant in town and drink awesome shooters and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Newsflash: If you’re on a date night that doesn’t happen all that often, stop snapping selfies and food photos and try to enjoy each other’s company. Although, I can assure you that nothing makes a waiter or waitress happier than having to take 67 annoying couples pictures (because you have to have options) of you guys looking totes presh while eating spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style.
We Get It—There’s A Ring
Congrats on the whole wedding or engagement thing. Really, it’s great for you. However, your veiled attempts at shoving this large ring in my face via photo isn’t cute. It’s v tacky. You are tacky. Engagement pictures are one thing—the focus is the ring and, like, everlasting happiness or whatever. After that, stop shoving your blood diamond in my eyes.
Why are you doing this? Unless you’re both members of a professional sports team and you have to wear your matching jerseys because of ADAA requirements, there’s no reason for you to match. Not in your denim jackets, not in your windbreakers à la 1985.
LOL BAE CAUGHT ME SLIPPIN. No, he/she did not. You probably/definitely berated and threatened them to take a pic of you #snoozin because you thought your hair looked sexy pushed back. It’s fine and yah, your hair looks sexy pushed back, but nobody believes for a second that this photo happened organically and, therefore, it sucks. And so do you for sharing it.
Kissing and PDA
Omg I’m so happy to have started my day with a photo of you and your bf of three months with your tongues down each other’s throats. I love love, you guys. Please keep the photos of you being dipped romantically or holding each other’s butts coming, because nothing says love like slobbering on each other. My dog slobbers on me and he’s a lot cuter. Just saying.
I don’t even wanna see two strangers briefly peck on the subway and you think I want to see people I know making out on my newsfeed where it will be memorialized until the end of time? Lmfaooo get a room
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) October 16, 2018
Images: Alora Griffiths / Unsplash; Giphy (3)