We’re just under a month away from an Album of the Year drop by the Artist Formerly Known as Taylor Swift, or maybe she’s still Taylor Swift? IDK, that whole “Why? Because she’s dead” thing still has me super confused. Anyway, in honor of the upcoming release of Reputation, let’s take a little gander back through the T-Swift music video catalog and tell you what video speaks to your soul based on your zodiac sign. Get out your fake nerd-glasses and spiral ringlets, betches.
Aries: “Bad Blood”
As an Aries, you’re adventurous and energetic. Since Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, they usually see themselves in leadership roles, not unlike Taylor in the “Bad Blood” video as she wrangles her Army of Skanks—I mean, battalion of models to fight the evil Selena Gomez. The Aries betch loves a good challenge, you know, like being able to stand next to Karlie Kloss, Cindy Crawford, and Zendaya without developing an eating disorder. Also, Aries is a fire sign. Like, duh, “Bad Blood” has the most literal fire out of all the T-Swizzle videos.
Taurus: “Wildest Dreams”
The Taurus betch has been known to be a bit of a self-indulgent pleasure-seeker. Sounds a little bit like the raven-haired actress Swift plays in the video, right? Likewise, Tauruses (Tauri?) are known for their stubbornness and jealousy. Like, yeah, I would be a little jealous too if I hooked up with Scott Eastwood in the middle of Africa, and then he went back to his dumb wife. As an Earth sign, it makes sense for the Taurus to be matched up with “Wildest Dreams.” The video features like, a lot of nature, even if Tay Tay is standing in the middle of it in a ball gown with a bunch of diamonds.
Gemini: “You Belong With Me”
I feel like this was the video that made SO many people into Swifties. Like, it was one of her first big departures from her former Country Cutie persona as she forayed into Pop Star status. Anyway, Geminis are known for their dual personalities. You know, like how Taylor plays herself (a glasses-wearing, sexually active band geek) and a mean girl (a brunette version of Taylor Swift as we know her now). Geminis love to talk, but they are also great listeners—qualities perfect for a peeping-tom type who communicates with her hot neighbor through a series of sad, handwritten notes.
Cancer: “Love Story”
In this video, Taylor plays a Juliet/Renaissance Fair version of herself who falls in love with a swoopy-haired guy definitely circa 2008. Nice. Cancers can be moody and have been known to sulk, possibly in a castle after daddy says you can’t date that hot older Romeo type. Cancers can be emotional, imaginative and clingy, often getting lost in their own personal fairy tales—you know, like if you were to daydream that you and a random campus hottie were so in love you killed yourselves. Yeah, that only happens in the play and not the video, but still.
Leo: “Look What You Made Me Do”
Often known for their ferocity, Leos can also be super pompous and patronizing. You know, like if one was to, say, dress up like their archnemesis and metaphorically get in a major car accident. You know, just something silly and light like that. Leos are used to being given the royal treatment, so it’s understandable that you’d relate to Taylor sitting in a bathtub full of diamonds or on a throne of snakes. Likewise, you’re always reaching for the top, even if the top is that of a pile of your former personas.
Virgo: “White Horse”
It makes total sense that in honor of the Virgo betch, we’d go back to a more virginal, innocent Taylor like in the “White Horse” video. Sidenote, this video stars Laguna Beach‘s Stephen Colletti as the love interest. Um, okay. Anyway, Virgos are known for being one of the more subdued signs. In this video we see a more casual and low-key Tay. The video’s storyline and sad, heartbroken Taylor should appeal to their more tender and emotional side, even if that emotional side hasn’t matured past that of a 17-year-old.
Libra: “The Story of Us”
Partnership is important to the Libra betch, so it only makes sense that you’d relate to how Taylor is pining for the relationship she once had with a nerdy hot guy in this video. Libras are not into conflict, so the fact that it’s totes awkward between Taylor’s character and a guy she probs hooked up with for a couple months during freshman year but now doesn’t really talk to kind of speaks to your soul. Like, you feel for her in this, because you really seek that conflict resolution. Sure, the video ends with the two just shrugging and walking away, but at least you get a hot library makeout scene mid-vid.
Scorpio: “Blank Space”
Damn, Scorpio, you crazy. Kind of like how fucking batshit Taylor goes in this very literal interpretation of her song “Blank Space.” Scorpios can be very jealous and often get violent when they’re enraged, like how Taylor stabs a weird blood cake and also slices up her lover’s dress shirt into having Regina George nipple cutouts. Also, I think my bf legit cringed when she took the golf club to that car. Anyway, Scorpios generally seek a grand passion, totally relatable to the passion between characters in the video. I mean, instead of breaking up with her, the guy just buys a new car. That’s true love.
Sagittarius: “I Knew You Were Trouble”
Sagittarius are known for being idealistic like Taylor in this video, always looking for the best in her dumpster fire of a boyfriend… who I think leaves her stranded in the desert/poor man’s Coachella in the end? IDK, it’s hard to tell what really happens here when you’re so distracted by that disaster of a wig. Still, a Sagittarius seeks freedom, travel, and would probs easily be talked into attending an outdoor concert/festival. Like how Taylor shucked her nicegirl appearance to be a bad girl who stays in a shitty motel, a Sagittarius betch doesn’t like being confined by the opinion or expectations of others.
Capricorn: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
A Capricorn can be a bit of a know-it-all; that’s why she’ll relate to the seemingly silly antics of Taylor in the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” video. Saturn’s control over Capricorn can make these ladies a tad unforgiving—you know, how Taylor has to keep saying “boy bye” to whatever hot male model got recruited to play here ex here. Capricorns like to make plans and execute them perfectly, so they’ll appreciate how Taylor’s band members were prepared to dress like furries and run around probably sweaty AF to make this one-shot video work.
As an Aquarius, friends are one of the most important aspects of your life, so of course your fun-loving and friendly nature is best exemplified by the video for “22.” Though some under the sign are born shy, they’re usually seen as more outgoing because of their energetic and eccentric nature. “Eccentric” like how Taylor attends a house party wearing cat ears. Cat ears! What will this girl think of next? An Aquarius feels best in a group, that’s why it makes sense that we almost never get a solo shot of Tay in the video. She always has at least one member of her girl posse by her side.
Pisces: “Out of The Woods”
A Pisces is known for being a dreamer, relating to the dream-like journey Taylor goes on in the “Out of the Woods” video. As a water sign, it makes sense for Taylor to be facing the elements like snow and water. Wolves probably symbolize something too, but once again, I’m not really sure what’s going on here. Whatever it is, though, it makes sense, because a Pisces is multifaceted and what they say or do will often be interpreted by others in a number of ways. The Pisces betch can often get so lost in their own heads they could totally miss the fact that Tay’s blue dress in the video is the same one she crawls out of the grave in at the beginning of “Look What You Made Me Do.” And I bet you just re-watched the “LWYMMD” video to double-check, didn’t you?
Head Pro is able to separate the artist from her music and thinks Taylor Swift’s songs are mostly fine. Email him at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Ok look, let’s get something out of the way: if being a “fan” of anyone or anything is a core pillar of your identity, you’re a fucking mouthbreather and Darwin was wrong about everything. Just look at college football fans, for instance.
But Taylor Swift fans are a different breed, and have created an entire ecosystem that they inhabit. Now, there’s a major controversy brewing because Taylor—who, like her fans, is a weird combination of narcissistic and insecure—has divided her following. It all started when she debuted her latest disposable pop single, “Gorgeous.” At the very beginning a baby’s voice says the word “gorgeous,” and fans started asking the totally normal and not at all weird question: whose voice is it?
Explain us the baby’s voice Taylor. Who’s this? @taylorswift13 #Gorgeous
— Dilara (@queenswifty_) October 20, 2017
Who’s the baby at the beginning of gorgeous? Is taylor pregnant and hinting?
— Karl (@minimadkarl) October 20, 2017
It’s a strange thing to care about, but whatever. Shit got extremely extra real, however, when Taylor herself responded to someone on Tumblr (because of COURSE Taylor Swift has a Tumblr account) with the following (and now-deleted) cryptic comment:
Per Buzzfeed, the “300” is a reference to the number of people who’ve been to Taylor’s secret listening sessions at her various homes across the country. It’s the most Taylor Swift thing ever: a deliberate, narcissistic act of sycophancy meant to endear her to her most extreme base and annoy everyone else. It’s the entertainment equivalent of the fucking campaign rallies our idiot president keeps throwing for himself a solid nine months after taking office.
Anyway, now the Swifties not in this “inner circle” are red and nude and shitting their diapers with anger, appalled at how their messiah could have betrayed them by telling some people something but not other people.
taylor: 300 people know
everyone: she’s confirming some of the fandom are better than others
— katie / I MET HER (@swiftestgrande) October 20, 2017
you know what really hurts? a fan asked who was the person behind the baby voice and taylor actually answered, “300 people know” thats it
— q (@GUCCIKlM) October 20, 2017
This is just a small sampling because this is supposed to be a quick post, but this is insane. All of it, really. It’s insane that Taylor holds “secret” listening sessions for HER OWN MUSIC that she knows damn well won’t remain secret, making them obnoxious PR stunts. It’s insane that there are people out there who think that she owes them anything other than her music in exchange for their support (and money). Finally, it’s maybe most insane of all that Taylor thought dicking around on Tumblr like a horny teenager was a good idea.
Look, I don’t care if you like Taylor Swift. She’s fine. But if you feel compelled to show your ass online because some people know something about her that you don’t, here’s what to do: Put down your phone. Walk outside. Look around. Take some deep breaths. Literally anything else you choose to do is more useful than posting your anger online.
Oh, and the voice belongs to Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ daughter, James. Happy now?
This week, as everyone is talking about President Trump’s horror budget and how much it’s going to hurt people in need (i.e. healthcare, Meals on Wheels, anyone who’s not extremely wealthy), Taylor Swift has her eyes set on something a little more personal: making herself a shitload of money. If you’re thinking but wait, doesn’t Taylor already have a shitload of money? You’re right! But now she’s determined to make more, which is why she’s in talks to start her own music streaming service as a rival to Spotify and Apple Music. The service will be a more annoying, Taylor Swift-focused version of the music streaming services you already love. It’ll basically be like Tidal, except without Lemonade or the Prince discography or any of the things that made you forget to end your Tidal free trial in the first place.
So like, why now, and why her? (Seriously…why her?) Well, Taylor has never been a big fan of music streaming. Back in 2015, she wrote an open letter to Apple Music protesting the idea that artists wouldn’t get paid for streams during free trial periods, because Taylor Swift would literally starve to death if Apple didn’t pay her .30 cents everytime someone wants to listen to “Blank Space.” That’s why she’s so skinny. And of course we all remember when T-Swiz pulled her entire catalog from Spotify, again over concerns that she wasn’t getting paid enough for the streams, and forcing all of us to have to switch over to YouTube if we ever want to listen to “Welcome to New York,” which, TBH, we do not.
So despite the fact that it’s 2017 and everyone and their stepmom relies solely on streaming services to house their music collection, Taylor isn’t satisfied. Now, she’s filed documents trying to trademark a website “featuring non-downloadable multi-media content in the nature of audio recordings.” Which is literally Spotify. She apparently wants to call the site “Swifties,” which literally just made me throw up in my mouth. Again, this whole thing will basically be Taylor’s version of Jay Z starting Tidal, except all her friends are models and not giant music stars like Rihanna, Beyoncé and Kanye West. So like…what is she going to release? Exclusive BTS of Karli Kloss walking? No thanks.
It’s unclear if Swifties will actually be a Spotify competitor, or if it’ll only have Taylor’s music, but either way she definitely won’t be getting our money. It’s probably a safe bet that One Direction, John Mayer, and Calvin Harris’ catalogs won’t be available, because those bridges were burned a long time ago. So basically, it’ll just be Taylor’s music along with probably like Meghan Trainor or some dumb shit like that.
As if the music streaming thing wasn’t bad enough, the documents also say she wants to launch a product line including “guitars, guitar picks, guitar straps, and drumsticks.” Woohoo. Now you can impress all your friends at camp with your matching T-Swift guitar and pick!! Honestly we can’t imagine anything less appealing. So next time you’re thinking about dating a drummer, at least make sure he doesn’t use drumsticks with Taylor Swift’s face on them. That’s a fucking deal breaker.