Today is a national holiday that should be marked on every notable calendar around the world. For on this day, a mere 42 years ago, this planet was graced with the arrival of one Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon, and none of us have been the same since. That’s right betches, today is Reese Witherspoon’s birthday
Reese is an icon. This is an indisputable fact. Agree with me or perish, sweater monkeys.
From Elle Woods to Tracy Flick and every perfect character in between, Reese has given us more than we can ever return, but we’ll die trying nonetheless. On Reese Witherspoon’s birthday, this holiest of days, we’re here to tell you which iconic Reese Witherspoon character you are based on your zodiac sign, so that you may go forth and exemplify the best that the world has to offer.
It only seems right that in this, the season of Aries, you are bestowed one of the single greatest Reese roles of all time: Madeline Martha Mackenzie of Big Little Lies. Much like Madeline, you are a passionate, determined leader, and someone people look to for guidance. The flip side of that: you’re polarizing. Some of us love you, some hate you, and most just want to be you. Congrats, Aries. Here’s hoping your husband doesn’t leave you for Zoe Kravitz.
Tauruses are loyal as hell but full of fire, much like June Carter from Walk the Line. You both take no shit (which people love you for) and have a tendency to look out for the most important person in your life: yourself. It would take someone with your dedication to tolerate Jonny Cash for as long as June did, and more so to spend that much time isolated time with Joaquin Phoenix.
Salty as they are sweet, underhanded as they are helpful, Geminis straddle the line between “wow, I LOVE her” and “wow, I want to KILL her” all too well. They are the Sour Patch Kid of the zodiac, and the sooner we all accept that, the sooner we can all find peace. In light of this, Geminis are clearly the Jill Green, little sister to Friends’ Rachel Green, of the Reese Witherspoon universe. Jill is cute, sweet, a bit ditzy albeit well-meaning, and it’s hard not to root for her…until she hooks up with Ross. You love her, you hate her, you wish you had access to her credit cards—all things we’ve thought about our real life Gemini friends.
While This Means War is definitely not one of Reese’s better ventures, her character Lauren Scott is a Cancer down to her core. Catching the attention of not one, but two wildly attractive men? Check. Destroying a lifelong friendship between said men while they vie for her affections? Check. Somehow embroiling herself in some CIA-level drama without realizing what she’s done? Double fucking check.
For you, Leo, we’re going back to the year 1998 and the egregiously underappreciated movie Pleasantville. In it, Reese Witherspoon is transplanted into an idyllic 1950’s sitcom with her nerdy twin brother, where she initiates a full on sexual awakening in the high school boy population. Showing up to a foreign environment and causing an absolute scene is pretty on-brand for your sign, but literally recreating the plot of Spring Awakening amongst a bunch of horny, repressed teenagers is some next level Leo shit. Viva la revolucion.
Virgos are the ambitious types who were never content to hang around in their hometown when there was a whole world to explore. Their drive for success will take them many places, but they’re also family-oriented folks who never forget their roots. This tension between breaking free and coming home is perfectly exemplified by Melanie Smooter of Sweet Home Alabama. Like Melanie, sometimes Virgos can get a little full of themselves given all they’ve accomplished, but their hearts of gold will always shine through in the end. Also, you wouldn’t be all that surprised if they punched their mother-in-laws in the face, tbh.
Congrats, Libra, you’ve struck Reese Witherspoon gold. Your ceaseless optimism and firmly instilled sense of justice means that you are the one and only Elle Woods. Like Elle, you set high goals for yourself, goals that others may not think you’re able to reach. But you know that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Your tendency to be good-natured even in the face of absolute bullshit can be confusing (even off-putting) to people who aren’t used to it. But once they realize that you’re genuinely that kind and enthusiastic, they’ll come around.
Intimidating, ruthless, ambitious to a fault: these traits may be seen as negative by some, but are cherished by Scorpios and their Reese counterpart, the iconic Tracy Flick. Tracy is fearless, unencumbered by petty things like reputations and other people’s feelings. Sound familiar, Scorpio? Also, if I had to put money on any sign’s ability to drive a grown man to madness, I know who my pick would be. Both Scorpios and Tracy know that you can’t be both loved and feared, and we all know which one they’d choose given the option.
Sagittarians are known for their independent streak. Of your friends, they’re the most likely to pick up and leave on a solo trip on a moment’s notice, weather, conditions, and safety be damned. Much like Cheryl Strayed, a Sagittarius knows that the road to self-actualization is a rocky one, but that won’t stop her from venturing to it. You both value the importance of alone time, something that others don’t always seem to understand. But the opinions of others have never mattered much to a Sagittarius, and they won’t start to now.
Capricorns are the moral compass of the zodiac. Logical and level-headed, they always seem to stick to their guns, even if their opinion is wildly unpopular. Much like Anette Hargrove of Cruel Intentions and her diatribe on virginity, Capricorns tend to form their opinion and stick to it (unless Ryan Phillippe shows up to derail it, that is). But this doesn’t mean that Capricorns are weak. In fact, their ability to stand by their word makes them a fierce enemy, and if the rest of us aren’t careful they will topple our carefully built kingdoms and drive away in our vintage sports cars.
People have a hard time understanding Aquarians, in part because of their aloof nature. What is an Aquarius thinking? How are they feeling? Do they even feel? These are all valid questions, which makes Aquarians the Mrs. Whatsit of the Reese Witherspoon zodiac. Both parties know that you don’t necessarily understand them, but that doesn’t make them more likely to allieve your confusions. It’s not that they relish the mystery that surrounds them, but more that they genuinely don’t realize how they come across. In the end, they mean well, which is good news for the rest of us because they seem like they’d be a formidable force to go up against.
Pisces are dreamy romantics who sometimes have trouble keeping their heads in this world. Their genuine optimism and hope is infectious and can warm even the coldest of hearts. Much like Elizabeth Masterson in Just Like Heaven, Pisces have the tendency to make the rest of us believe in the impossible. In Elizabeth’s case, it’s making living men fall in love with ghosts, but you get the idea.
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