Oprah’s recent interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry was basically a real-life, televised Burn Book. While their accusations are not bound up in a pretty pink book, Meghan and Harry dropped major bombshells all the same. Trade the hallways of North Shore High School for the ballrooms of Buckingham Palace and throw in some English accents, and voilà—you’ve got a modern-day British Mean Girls. In the immortal words of Damian, the Plastics are “teen royalty. If North Shore was Us Weekly, they would be always on the cover.” Substitute “The U.K.” for “North Shore” and The Sun or Daily Mail for Us Weekly, and you’re watching Regina George’s reign of terror all over again. Listening to Meghan recount the bullying, racism, and isolation she endured from the Royal Family and the British press was disturbing, to say the least, and it definitely made me wistful for the days when we could all get along like we used to in middle school. In the interview, Meghan and Harry spilled the royal family tea as freely as Regina stuffed her face with Kälteen bars, so I thought it was high time to imagine the members of the British Royal Family—and the other people involved in “Megxit”—as the characters of Mean Girls.
Meghan as Cady
Just like when Cady began high school after being homeschooled in another country, Meghan was a total outsider and foreigner when she became British royalty. (Can you hear the Queen shouting, “She doesn’t even go here!”?) Also like Cady, she entered an ingénue and was hit smack-dab in the face by the toxicity of her environment. Sadly for Meghan, she didn’t have the guidance of Janis and Damian when navigating the who, what, and where of the British monarchy; as Meghan states in the interview, she had no formal training or instruction on how to be royal. I mean, she had to Google the national anthem and be shown by Harry how to curtsey just a few minutes before she met the Queen. And although Meghan didn’t need to come up with a plan on a chalkboard to take down the monarchy, she still destroyed the Plastics in her own way.
Kate Middleton as Gretchen Wieners
I’m going to come right out and say it: just like Gretchen, who’s always trying to get Regina’s approval, Kate is a classic “pick me” girl, and you just know she sucks up to Her Majesty the Queen constantly. In the interview, we learn that the rumor that Meghan made Kate cry about flower girl dresses is, in fact, the exact opposite of the truth—instead, Kate actually made Meghan cry almost as hard as if she’d told Meghan hoop earrings were her thing. At least we know that Kate gave Meghan an actual apology, and not an, “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.” I’m also willing to bet that Kate told Meghan that the flower girl dresses were so not fetch.
Harry as Aaron Samuels
Like Aaron, who is in the middle of a tug-of-war between Cady and Regina, Harry is in the middle of a tug-of-war between his wife and his family, who has had a hold over him for three decades. As Harry revealed in the interview, until he met Meghan, “I myself was trapped. I didn’t see a way out. I was trapped but I didn’t know I was trapped.” Aaron is also trapped in his relationship with Regina, who controls his every move, until he’s saved by his relationship with Cady (which, after some word vomit, is a much healthier one). Plus, Harry’s hair definitely looks sexy pushed back, whereas William’s hairline is already pushed back off his head.
“The Firm” as Regina
In the wise words of Janis Ian, Regina is “a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.” And the Crown nearly did ruin Meghan’s life, in the most literal of ways. Plus, it just so happens that the name Regina means “Queen” in Latin. Like Regina, The Firm is a pro at perpetuating false narratives. Remember how Regina imitated a Planned Parenthood employee to get Taylor Wedell’s mom to think she was pregnant so she’d stop seeing Jason? According to the interview, The Firm also allowed fake stories to spread, refusing to correct the false narratives about Meghan being a diva and rude to her staff (and the thing about making Kate cry, as we discussed above).
The tricky part in this casting assignment is pinpointing exactly who plays the role of Regina. Meghan and Harry were quick to separate the Royal Family from the Crown as an institution (or “The Firm”), saying that The Firm is to blame. Whether this means high-ranking non-royal employees who work for the family or specific members of the family that Meghan and Harry don’t want to name, who’s to say? Personally, my money is on Prince Charles. When it came to the racist comments made about the couple’s future baby’s skin, Oprah confirms that it was not Queen Elizabeth nor Prince Philip, which narrows down the suspects. Harry revealed in the interview that his father, Prince Charles, wouldn’t take his phone calls for a period of time (screening calls is such a Regina move). At this point, Charles has lost Aaron Samuels (aka Harry), and he never had a hot body, so all that’s left is his army of
skanks royal enablers.
Prince William as Coach Carr
You’ve heard the rumors about Will cheating on a pregnant Kate Middleton, right? So not grool, and so hard to believe based on the attractiveness disparity between the two… but then again, Jay-Z did cheat on Beyoncé. This is why Prince William makes the perfect Coach Carr. Like Carr, who made out with two of his students, Will has (allegedly) been in an inappropriate relationship. Let’s just hope William is a better sex ed teacher than Coach Carr.
The British Press as The Burn Book
I mean, this one is obvious. Both the British tabloids and the Burn Book are written by some stupid girls (and men) that make up rumors because they’re bored with their own lame lives.
Oprah as Ms. Norbury
“Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by the British Crown” – Oprah, during the entire interview. Like Ms. Norbury, Oprah isn’t taking sh*t from anyone, not even the Queen of England. Ms. Norbury doesn’t let anyone off the hook, including Cady, and Oprah similarly pressed for honesty and healing. They’re pushers, but in the best way.
Thomas Markle as Mrs. George
Regina’s mom is the ultimate attention-seeking parent, with the one key difference being that Mrs. George is actually supportive. As Meghan revealed in the interview, her father, Thomas, spoke to the British tabloids behind her back for his 15 minutes of fame. What a grotsky little biotch. While Mrs. George at least tries to be a good parent (she’s always there to offer a snack or a condom), she and Thomas Markle share the same parental cringe-factor and thirst for attention.
Tyler Perry as Damian
Tyler Perry plays a minor but important role in the “Megxit saga,” revealing himself to be the ultimate sidekick. Damian is always in Cady’s corner, teaching her the ins and outs of North Shore’s cliques and letting her borrow his pink shirt for her Wednesdays with the Plastics. On a slightly more grand scale, Tyler Perry let Meghan and Harry use his house and security detail after they announced they were stepping back from royal duties and the Royal Family revoked the couple’s security protection. We love good friends like Perry and Damian.
On Wednesdays, the Plastics wear pink, and on Sunday, Meghan and Harry spilled tea. Their shocking revelations no doubt hit the Royal Family like the bus that hit Regina George (too bad it wasn’t a double decker bus). Here’s to hoping Tina Fey has a British Mean Girls spinoff in the works.
Images: Samir Hussein/Samir Hussein/WireImage; Giphy
Over the past month or so, there’s been plenty of messy celebrity news, but almost all of it has revolved around the coronavirus pandemic. Celebrities failing to quarantine, being tone-deaf on social media, trying to profit off the crisis—we’ve seen it all. But we all need a break from quarantine drama, and thankfully today’s messiness has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19. We’re getting back into the soap opera that is Meghan Markle and her thirsty family, and I couldn’t be happier.
Let’s set the scene with some context. Right now, Meghan Markle is in a legal battle with British tabloid Mail on Sunday, after they published parts of a private letter she wrote to her father, Thomas Markle, in August 2018. In the latest round of legal documents, Mail on Sunday says that Thomas showed them the letter after one of Meghan’s friends mentioned it to People, so they did nothing wrong. But Meghan is arguing that she never authorized her friends to speak to People, so Mail on Sunday shouldn’t have even known about the letter. To be honest, I don’t really see why this is Mail on Sunday’s fault—shouldn’t Meghan be punishing whichever “friend” spilled the tea in the first place?
Whatever, I won’t try to decide the legal specifics here, but the latest filings gave us something much more important to talk about: texts that Meghan and Harry sent to Thomas Markle in the days leading up to their wedding. If you’ve ever paid attention to the Markle family, you know that they’re messy bitches who live for drama, so there’s a lot going on here.
On May 3rd, just over two weeks before the royal wedding, Thomas Markle was admitted to the hospital with “acute chest pains.” At the time, Meghan texted her father, saying “I’ve called and texted but haven’t heard back from you so hoping you’re okay.” Okay, supportive! Things weren’t necessarily smooth between them at this point, but it’s nice that she was concerned.
But the tone changed significantly a few days later, when Meghan and Harry learned that Thomas had posed for paparazzi photos in exchange for money. The photos, which clearly show Thomas Googling his daughter at an internet cafe, are low-key iconic. Needless to say, Meghan and Harry weren’t like, super thrilled by this discovery, considering that, according to the legal documents, Meghan had tried to get “logistics and supplies for her father discretely and with privacy, with care taken not to feed the press” and had told him “that he should keep a low profile until the wedding.” Oops!
Then, on May 14th, things took another turn when Thomas Markle said publicly that he would not be able to attend the wedding. Not only was this five days before the wedding, which is definitely not proper etiquette, but he didn’t even tell Meghan and Harry directly. Harry’s texts to Thomas upon finding out are really a sight to behold:
“Tom, it’s Harry and I’m going to call you right now. Please pick up, thank you.”
“Tom, Harry again! Really need to speak to u. U do not need to apologize, we understand the circumstances but ‘going public’ will only make the situation worse. If u love Meg and want to make it right please call me as there are two other options which don’t involve u having to speak to the media, who incidentally created this whole situation. So please call me so I can explain. Meg and I are not angry, we just need to speak to u. Thanks”
“Oh any speaking to the press WILL backfire, trust me Tom. Only we can help u, as we have been trying from day 1”
Okay, a few things. First of all, obsessed with Harry’s use of “u” throughout the texts. We love a royal who loves texting lingo! I also love that Harry introduces himself twice, as if the texts aren’t coming from the same number like, five minutes apart. Don’t worry Harry, I’m pretty sure Thomas knows exactly who it is. But most of all, I love that you can feel Harry’s anger spiraling out of control as the texts go on. Like, when he says “Meg and I are not angry,” don’t let that fool you—he and Meg are ABSOLUTELY angry. And then the way he finishes it off with a casual threat? Iconic, truly.
After that drama, things just got more bizarre the next day. TMZ reported that Thomas had suffered a heart attack, and once again, the tabloids knew before Meghan. Reportedly, Thomas then texted Meghan, and she responded, reminding her father that he’s basically been ghosting her this whole time: “I’ve been reaching out to you all weekend but you’re not taking any of our calls or replying to any texts…”
But to her credit, it actually seems like she was doing everything she could to help her father, even though he wasn’t cooperating at all. She texted him “Very concerned about your health and safety and have taken every measure to protect you but not sure what more we can do if you don’t respond…Do you need help? Can we send the security team down again? I’m very sorry to hear you’re in the hospital but need you to please get in touch with us… What hospital are you at?”
And then, later that day, she said “Harry and I made a decision earlier today and are dispatching the same security guys you turned away this weekend to be a presence on the ground to make sure you’re safe… they will be there at your disposal as soon as you need them. Please please call as soon as you can… all of this is incredibly concerning but your health is most important.”
That’s the last of the texts in the documents, so it’s unclear what happened after that. No matter how you feel about Meghan Markle in general, it seems like she was doing her best to get through to her nightmare of a father. Also, let’s not forget that this was all going down just days before her wedding, so I’m sure she had like, a million other things to be worrying about. So yeah, I can see why she would be hurt when, a few months later, her dad leaked a private letter to some rando tabloid that probably hates her. I get mad when my mom talks about me to her friends, so I can’t even imagine.
This week, Meghan and Harry also sent a letter to the major British tabloids, vowing never to collaborate with or speak to them, so it looks like they’re really focused on tidying up their image and quelling rumors. I’m sure the tabloids still won’t leave them alone, but maybe they’ll chill out a little bit. But even if nothing is going on, there’s clearly still plenty of old drama to talk about.
Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage