Everyone wants a quick fix. In the age of instant gratification, the concept of waiting for results is lost on everyone. Smh. The diet industry knows this, and over the years, they have capitalized on consumers’ lack of patience. Cue late-night infomercials and IG sponsored ads for the next big thing in weight loss. Spoiler alert: none of this sh*t actually works. Real results take time—we have been through this. I know you’re better than that, but I also get the temptation. Like, even if something seems too good to be true, you might think to yourself that it can’t hurt to try, right? Well, it might not hurt your body, but it will hurt your wallet. Here are five fitness products that promise a quick fix, but really do not work.

1. The Shake Weight

Oh, the infamous Shake Weight. Did you know that “you can get firm and fabulous arms and shoulders in just six minutes a day” with these? At least, that’s what the manufacturers want you to believe. The Shake Weight comes in two versions, weighing two-and-a-half pounds and five pounds. That’s very…minimal. But the creators of the Shake Weight claim the vibration creates isometric force on the muscles to hold steady, working the muscles more than regular concentric-eccentric movements. Seems scientific sounding and therefore legit, except for the fact that you can create your own isometric force during any exercise by holding the movement at the most force-generating part of the movement. So, by holding a bicep curl halfway for 10 seconds, holding the bottom of a squat, holding a V-sit for your abs, etc. That means you don’t need a Shake Weight to do it. You can also work your muscles more by using dumbbells greater than 2.5 lbs, I’m just sayin’.

2. ThighMaster

Suzanne Somers is one entrepreneurial betch. I love and respect her hustle. This vintage little tool is like the at-home version of the hip adductor machines at the gym. For the goal of this product to be thinner thighs, it does make some sense kinesthetically for this movement and product to work. However, there is no way to spot reduce just one area of your body, so this product alone won’t help you achieve thin thighs. There are also plenty of superior ways to work the thighs that don’t require equipment, such as squats and lunges, as well as plyometric exercises. Plus, keep in mind that when it comes to any fat reduction, diet will always play a major role.

2. Ab Belt

These belts send electronic stimulation to your abdominal muscles, so your muscles contract without you doing the work to contract it. As in, you don’t even have to think of contracting your muscles. Who has the time and energy to consciously flex their muscles, right? But you want abs, though. Talk about lazy. Whether or not it works? Well, the Federal Trade Commission sued the makers of these belts in the early 2000s for making false claims, so that’s that on that. Here’s the real tea: if you can’t even put in the effort to contract your own abs, then no product or person can help you. The end.

4. Weight Loss Gummies

So you’ve heard of the weight loss teas and lollipops that the Kardashian-Jenner clan have promoted. But now, there are also weight loss gummies for you, because diet pills are soooo 1999. This popular brand’s gummies contain two steps, because that looks more legit. One gummy is basically caffeine from green coffee beans to give you energy, and the other one is supposedly an appetite suppressant made from garcina cambogia (a tamarind fruit extract). A one-month supply will cost you $49.90. Not only is packaging and marketing weight loss in a candy very ironic and a cheap juxtaposition, none of their claims have been evaluated by the FDA (no supplements on the market in USA are). These gummies could be, at best, ineffective and a waste of $49.90, or at worst, dangerous if you are allergic. On their website, they do not provide a full ingredients list for these gummies, so I would not be surprised if they contain very small amounts of these “active” ingredients. BTW, in 2014 the FTC sued a green coffee bean company for making false claims and false studies.

5. Slimming Creams/Masks

There are no products on Earth that, once applied directly onto the external surface of your body, can melt off fat, which is an internal cell INSIDE your body. Yes, because we have pores and glands on our skin, products do get absorbed. This is why it is important to use products that are clean and do not contain metals (such as aluminum in our deodorant). However, if we still haven’t gotten aluminum poisoning after years of using our trusty Secret deodorant, there’s no way a cream or mask can make us lose five inches in three weeks. Granted, supple and moisturized skin can appear tighter than dry, dehydrated skin (so don’t skimp on your water), but if you ever see a cosmetic product claiming to “effectively burn fat,” run from those scammers.

Hyped up fitness products come and go every year, but one thing has remained the same: the hunt for a magic weight loss solution. There is a reason why the diet industry is worth $72 BILLION. But just think—if weight loss was something you could purchase at a GNC, the nation as a whole would be a whole lot fitter and obesity would not as much of an issue. Not only is the hunt for overnight weight loss a waste of money, but it is also a waste of time. Can you imagine if instead, we spent that money on buying fresh produce, a gym membership, a piece of at-home gym equipment, or getting a session with a trainer to show us how to lift and work out properly? Something that breeds healthy habits and not false hope? Before you give this industry another dime, don’t let the flashy commercials and edited transformation pictures fool you: there is no product that will give you maximum results for minimum effort. In fitness, just like in life, what you get is what you give.

Images: Giphy (4)

Nicole Nam has a Bachelors of Science in Public Health Nutrition Specialization and a Masters of Science in Kinesiology. She has a personal training certification from the American Council of Exercise, and has trained a variety of clients, including a contestant in this year’s Miss Nevada competition. Follow her on Instagram here.

Sometimes you just need something to get you going. No one is going to be ready and hype for the gym every day—trust me, there are days that I dread the gym—and you’re just f*cking TIRED, PERIODT. If you find yourself CONSTANTLY lagging (or in general just lazy for the gym), pre-workout might be a useful supplement to take before you leave the house for the gym. I get it, the sheer variety of pre-workouts available alone makes the choice seem confusing and some people wonder if the pre-workout even works at all or if it’s just a placebo effect.

Pre-workouts usually contain caffeine, essential amino acids (amino acids which the body cannot produce and must be consumed via diet), and arginine (this is actually nitric oxide, a naturally occurring gas that helps dilate blood vessels to increase circulation). If the pre-workout contains the essential amino acid beta-alanine, it is completely normal for your body to feel tingly after taking the pre-workout. Some people actually come to crave that feeling. The beta-alanine isn’t there just for sh*ts and giggles, though. It is an amino acid that can increase the levels of carnosine (another amino acid that is created from beta-alanine and histidine) in your body, which directly effects the performance of your workout by reducing the rate of fatigue while lifting/running/etc.

 

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It’s cocaine, Austin

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Ok, a lot of scientific sh*t, so why don’t I summarize that up. BASICALLY, the ONLY ingredient commonly found in pre-workouts (I said “commonly” because if you buy some outlandish sh*t on the black market/internet I don’t know what’s in that, girl) that is a tried and true stimulant is caffeine. Everything else are ingredients that help the mechanisms within your body to help you workout heavier, harder, longer and aid recovery.

A scientific study in 2010 showed that pre-workouts showed that there were differences in performance and muscle gains in the group that took the pre-workout versus the placebo group. Another study in 2014 claimed that while performance and gains did not differ between the supplement and the placebo groups, the supplement group were able to perform better at the next workout. This is due to the amino acids present in the supplement that help muscle repair.

 

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it’s a strict regimen but someone has to do it | @betches

A post shared by diet starts tomorrow (@dietstartstomorrow) on Feb 18, 2019 at 10:46am PST

Sounds great, right? But what if I told you that a coffee works just as well as a pre-workout if all you needed was a kick in the ass to get moving?

I’ve tried pre-workouts before, both the tingly and non-tingly kinds. I will say it worked, but I took myself off of them after about 1 month of regular use. I honestly didn’t feel the need for the pre-workout beyond the caffeine (tbh, that’s me every day). Did I lift better when I took the pre-workout? Maybe, but I can lift that well without it, too. Did I feel a tolerance to the pre-workout rapidly develop after regular use? Definitely. I didn’t want to get to the point where I NEEDED a supplement to workout, so I stopped taking it.

me when i drink pre-workout https://t.co/OkDMD2487F

— shitbizkit (@NotRalphLauren_) March 7, 2019

But what about how it helps muscle recovery? I am a fan of sore muscles. I need that. Because my workouts are designed to make you LOOK BETTER, not turn you into a power lifter, we don’t need to rush back into the gym like you’re pushing for personal records in lifts, you know? I’m not training you for the Olympics, I’m just trying to get you abs. Physical changes in the body happen during the muscle repair process, so I’m not going to take supplements that expedite or dull that process (should I write a whole article about the mechanisms of recovery? Let me know!).

The Bottom Line: While I personally do not take them, I absolutely have nothing against pre-workouts and if my clients ask me about them, I won’t say no. Cellucor makes really good ones called C4 and Kaged Muscle makes Pre-Kaged. Both of these I’ve tried personally and stand behind, just be mindful of the tolerance that could develop. Please keep in mind that none of the supplements on the market are monitored by the FDA. 

Nicole Nam has a Bachelors of Science in Public Health Nutrition Specialization and a Masters of Science in Kinesiology. She has a personal training certification from the American Council of Exercise, and has trained a variety of clients, including a contestant in this year’s Miss Nevada competition. Follow her on Instagram here.

Before we even get into the nitty gritty of this article, I want to really quickly touch on something that recently happened in the fitness influencer world. This past week, a huge IG fitness influencer, Brittany Dawn, made headlines for scamming her followers out of hundreds of dollars by selling them what was supposed to be “personalized” workout and meal plans but instead were just basically the standard fitness ebooks. A word of warning: please do your research on the person you’re “hiring” to become your trainer! Even if they’re online. Choose quality over appearance—some people look good and don’t have the certification or training themselves to be able to spot correct form or even guide you on proper movement.

That being said, I would love to tell you that every fitness product being promoted and sold on IG is legitimate. I get it, there are so many products that look so damn good, but they just don’t make any sense. Trust me, I’ve tried quite a few products myself out of curiosity. I’m here to give you the full review on some trendy fitness products that I’ve tried over the years and whether they work (spoiler: most don’t) and the “science” behind the products (or, more accurately, lack thereof).

1. Weight Loss Protein Powder

I’ll start with this: there was this one particular protein powder that was DELICIOUS. For fear of legal repercussions I can’t really, like, name-name them…but it was a UK-based company and every IG influencer was at one point promoting the living crap out of it. Good marketing, as we will come to learn, does not a good product make. I did further research on said product, and found out that their whole nutrition label was a potentially (most likely?) a lie. As in, their shakes allegedly contained wayyy more carbs, and less protein, than were disclosed on the label.

That said, I used the protein powder as a post-workout supplement and NOT as a meal replacement, and it provided a better alternative for a sweet tooth craving (because this powder did taste really, REALLY good). I do not suggest ever using protein powder as a meal replacement if the powder is considered to be a low-calorie, fat burning powder with a high caffeine content. Also, the FDA does not regulate these supplement claims, so whatever you see on the nutrition labels and the miracle working promises are all up to the discretion of the company…meaning they could easily bullsh*t the whole thing. This applies for ALL supplements for sale in the USA, like in your GNC stores and stuff, not just the products you see on Instagram. The more you know.

2. Waist Trainer

I truly blame the Kardashians for this trend. A waist trainer basically makes you sweat more in your midsection, which is great… but SWEAT IS NOT FAT. Sweat is water mixed with tiny amounts of ammonia, salt and sugar molecules. So just because you sweat more does not mean you’re losing fat. If sweating more motivates you to work harder (it happens), then by all means. Just know that that’s not fat that’s seeping out from your pores.

 

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#ad I’m really obsessed with waist training! Thank you @premadonna87 for my new waist shapers! #whatsawaist

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Oct 29, 2014 at 9:23am PDT

Now, I won’t lie…I do use a waist trainer, but not for the same reasons it’s being marketed for. I use a waist trainer as a back support for certain exercises such as squats, deadlifts, and certain abdominal exercises. If you want to use one, for whatever reason, I suggest using ones that do not have hard boning as that can restrict your movement and breathing.

3. Detox Tea

Good ol’ poop tea. That’s all that it is, and you could literally get it at an Asian supermarket for a fraction of the price. It’s called like, the Ballerina Dieter’s Tea or something like that, but I swear it’s been in Asian culture—or at least in MY Asian family’s culture—for ages. We whip it out whenever someone can’t, ya know, go.

 

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#ad using @fittea before my shoots is my favorite ☺

A post shared by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on Apr 28, 2016 at 8:00am PDT

So, yes, I use detox tea and I grew up around it (although the packaging was way less sexy)…BUT there’s something inherently very dangerous about people using laxative products to lose weight, because that’s actually a form of purging, so I advise caution. I think these teas are great for when you need them (aka when you are constipated), but do you REALLY need to detox everyday for 14 days as per most detox tea “instructions”? No, you don’t. I wouldn’t use them for 3 days straight, let alone 14. Using even a mild form of laxative for that long just cannot be good for your digestive system. At the end of the day, you want to still be able to go without any help, right? Don’t do it.

4. Appetite Suppressant Coffee Creamer

What a novel f*cking concept. So novel, in fact, I bought one at my local Gelson’s and I don’t even normally use creamer in my coffee (guess I was feeling spend-y that day). Remember when I talked about products that don’t make sense? This is one of them. So the creamer has ingredients such as hoodia and green tea extract that are in a lot of popular fat burner pills. The main ingredient is coconut oil, which is arguably better than your Coffee-Mate bullsh*t.

 

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Stay cozy this Saturday with our fan favorites. Hazelnut, Original, and Birthday Cake! Which is your favorite?

A post shared by Leaner Creamer Coffee (@leanercreamer) on Jan 12, 2019 at 10:35am PST

I stuck to the serving size which is a measly 2 teaspoons and the only difference it made was turn my coffee from black to a dark milky brown. I prefer my coffee black anyway, but there was literally no noticeable change in the taste of my coffee. I tried it three times and threw the bottle out, because it was useless. I mean, it barely made a change in my coffee so it’s definitely not doing anything for my body. Save your money, and learn to like your coffee without all the cream and sugar. All the caffeine without any of the crap.

5. Celery Juice

I swear, people are always trying to find a way to juice something. I can’t throw a bigger eye roll at this trend. This sh*t blew up on IG, and now EVERYONE is drinking neon green juice in the morning that is completely FIBERLESS and actually just like 90% water anyway. The dude who started off this trend is a health “guru” who is neither certified nor trained, btw, but claims to hear a voice that tells him about other people’s health status. He literally just started drinking the sh*t one day when he was 8 years old because he said a “voice” told him to. Is that who you want to take health advice from? Like, really?

There is absolutely no science backing celery juice as anything else but mostly water, because duh, celery is made up of mostly water. Unless you’re drinking this because you enjoy the taste (and let’s face it, you don’t), I suggest you stop juicing celery and start eating it whole because the fiber is the most valuable part of the celery. And PLEASE PEOPLE, stop trying to juice everything like you don’t have time to eat the actual fruit or vegetable. You’re not that busy, sweetie.

Images: @rawpixel/Unsplash

The wellness world is always evolving and throwing new sh*t at us to help our bodies and minds in wonderful, magical ways. As focus has shifted from the early ’90s era of extreme weight loss (remember the grapefruit diet, anyone? No? Wanna go on a Cabbage Soup fast? No? Ok then.) to today’s more holistic and health-conscious space, the trends have adapted to follow suit. In other words, our focus in the health space has transitioned from weight loss to wellness. Applause all around, please. I’m so glad we all finally realized there are more important things in life (such as functioning organs) than having thighs that don’t touch.

With this paradigm shift, wellness experts are now marketing new things based on concepts such as detoxification, hormone balancing, and immune boosting. Enter: adaptogens.

Adaptogens are the latest buzzword in the wellness realm, and I know they sound weirdly medical, like they should be a part of our DNA or cells or something, but they’re actually a non-toxic herb, so you don’t need to be scared. According to Times magazine, adaptogens are a special class of herbs that will help the body resist physical, chemical, and biological stressors. Results from this scientific study show that the herbs also interact with our hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA), responsible for communication to our kidneys (ie: adrenal glands) about how to handle stress.

See, when we are stressed out, our body uses three stages to handle stress. The initial phase is the alarm phase. It’s self-explanatory: you’re f*cking shook. It’s the initial stage of stress, such as your first few reps of lifting weights. This is where the body releases its first dose of hormones. The second phase, the phase of resistance, is when you’re able to handle the stress. So this phase is kind of what gets you through the subsequent reps and sets of your workout. This phase is where the adaptogens work their magic. They essentially stretch out the resistance phase by acting like a hormone balancer. Because they play a role in the brain to adrenal gland communication, they are able to level out the amount of stress hormones that get released by your adrenal glands. The third and final phase of a stress response is the exhaustion phase. It has nothing to do with adaptogens, that’s just your body saying “chill, bitch.”  The example of weight lifting is obviously a physical stressor, but adaptogens have also been shown to help the body handle mental or emotional stress. So basically, adaptogens are supposed to level you tf out so you’re not a miserable, murderous bitch.

While new to the Western world, Ayurvedic healing and Chinese medicine have known about adaptogens for centuries. The trend has hit our side of the world in a big way, and now all these coffee shops are pushing mushroom coffee (I’m not so sure about this), and you can find the adaptogenic herb Ashwaganda in powder form in many health food stores. Another one you’ve most likely heard of before is ginseng. I’m kinda psychic, so I can say with like semi-certainty that it’s about to have a huge comeback now, but your favorite Chinese spot has probably been cooking with ginseng forever. For you overambitious betches that don’t believe in easing into things, try this Gwyneth Paltrow-approved adaptogenic smoothie recipe. I’m not sure where you can buy “moon dust,” but it sounds like something my drug dealer has mentioned before.

Despite all the cool info circulating about these herbs, keep in mind that scientific research on how adaptogens truly interact with our body is still very limited, and I recommend consulting with a doctor before trying new supplements, especially if you are taking prescription drugs.

What do you guys think? Would you try these herbs? Would you do the mushroom coffee? Sound off below!

Images: Chris Knight / Unsplash; Giphy

If the name Lo Bosworth makes you feel nostalgic for simpler times when you would take a hiatus from your own dramatic teenage life to indulge in the more dramatic teenage lives of the super rich cast members of Laguna Beach and then, The Hills, same. But prepare to associate Lauren Conrad’s super cute bestie, Lo Bosworth, with her line of feminine health products because the former reality TV star really cares about your vagina. Back in 2016 Lo started Love Wellness, originally releasing products like a pH balancing cleanser and The Killer, a boric acid suppository to relieve yeast infections and BV, because she didn’t think that gynos were offering enough resources and supplements that specifically catered to women’s bodies—and she was right. Well, just last week Lo introduced five new total body health supplements into her line: #Mood Pills to naturally boost your mood; Bye, Bye Bloat to get rid of excess water weight; Lean Queen to help boost your metabolism; Lights Out to to help you get to sleep; and Good to Glow a solution to all of your skincare woes. All products are packaged in the chicest pastel packaging, are to be taken orally everyday or as otherwise directed, and will only set you back $24.99.

All of Lo’s products, old and new, are made up of natural ingredients like coconut oil, tumeric root, ginger, and green tea to help women heal, maintain and flourish their bodies in the safest way possible. To get the full Lo-down, we talked to the Love Wellness founder herself to find out what sparked her deep care for our vagines and what the brand has in store for the future of feminine health, spoiler alert: sadly, no Justin Bobby jokes were mentioned in this interview.

via Giphy

Betches: What inspired the development of the five new supplements?
Lo Bosworth: Our customers asked us to expand into different women’s health categories and we were thrilled to be able to make that happen. Our priority was to make these new line of ingestibles as natural and organic as possible, and we’re quite proud of the new offering. Being able to offer women natural and safe products for mood, metabolism, glowing skin, and more is very exciting for us.

Courtesy of Love Wellness

What retailers will the products be available in? When?
We sell Love Wellness products at lovewellness.co and we’ll be announcing upcoming retail partnerships over the next few weeks.

How did you decide which natural ingredients to include in the products?
We work with a team of doctors and food scientists to determine what natural ingredients go into each product. The formulation process is very exciting for me personally, as there are lots of natural ingredients that have worked for me for anxiety, sleep, and skin care. In our #Mood Pills for example, we’ve include organic chasteberry, which is proven to help alleviate symptoms of PMDD, and organic St. John’s Wort that has been proven to be effective for light depression.

Courtesy of Love Wellness

What kind of diet do you suggest taking Lean Queen with?
We always recommend to consult with your doctor before starting any kind of diet or supplement regime. With that being said, I’d recommend a well-balanced diet that’s high in good carbohydrates for energy, fiber, and lean protein. It’s okay to eat a piece of whole grain bread that’s high in natural fiber! Of course, drinking lots of water is critically important as well.

Courtesy of Love Wellness

Is each supplement to be taken daily?
We recommend that the supplements should be taken daily, but Bye Bye Bloat and Lights Out can both be used on-demand.

Courtesy of Love Wellness

What space in the market did you see for the Love Wellness brand?
When I first launched Love Wellness in 2016 I saw a huge opportunity in women’s personal care to provide natural, safe, OB/GYN-recommended products that work, while creating an honest and open self-care culture. Many drugstore feminine hygiene companies market their products as safe and effective when in reality, they’re not. The cheap chemical formulations in these products can wreak havoc on the vaginal microbiome and lead to chronic infections and irritations. My primary mission when launching the company was to educate women on this point, and to be able to provide them with safe solutions for upping your gut and vaginal flora with our Good Girl Probiotics, relieving infections and irritations with The Killer, our best-selling boric acid suppositories, and cleanse the vulva safely with our pH Balancing Cleanser and Do It All Wipes. With our new launch of ingestibles, we see Love Wellness as the ultimate one-stop shop for women’s wellness and personal care solutions for issues that are typically kept private. Our goal is to make healthcare and preventative care for issues traditionally viewed as embarrassing more comfortable for women by offering natural, organic solutions that are packaged beautifully along with educational content.

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Your favorite supplement?
I love our #Mood Pills! I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression and tried pharmaceuticals to help ease my discomfort but found that natural solutions always worked better for me in the long run. I’m thrilled to be able to offer women a natural and organic formulation that combines best-in-class ingredients from nature to stay balanced.

Future plans for the brand?
We have many products in R+D at the moment. We’re looking at the CBD space, and have quite a bit in the pipeline for retail in 2019.

It can be super tempting to head to your local Walgreens/CVS/witch doctor and grab a bottle of pills promising SUPER XXTREME WEIGHT LOSS or CRAZY ENERGY or YOU’LL LOOK LIKE KATE MOSS IN 1997. No one LIKES to get sweaty and gross at the gym, say no to that double chocolate chip cookie, or skip on the extra parmesan grated oh so nicely over your lasagna, so making a pill do the work seems like the most American way to lose those extra three pounds.

However, because of lots of loopholes in our system, almost any asshole can produce a bottle of pills, claim it does magical things, and use very little (if any) data to back it up. Yes, there are some supplements that “show in studies” that participants experienced some very modest weight loss, but the many of these pills have studies that a) are sponsored and, therefore, not v legit or b) gave rats and animals such high fucking doses of said pills that the caffeine and other shit naturally made them sweat off five pounds or whatever the rat equivalent is.

Here are some of the most bullsh*t diet pills that don’t work. Grab an iced green tea and take a walk instead, because that will do more for you than these pills.

1. Raspberry Ketones

According to LiveScience, “Reliable research on the use of raspberry ketone for any health condition in humans is currently lacking. Further high-quality research is needed.” This is not just my opinion, BTW—so says Catherine Ulbricht, senior pharmacist at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston and co-founder of Natural Standard Research Collaboration, which reviews evidence on herbs and supplements. More importantly, literally none of the studies done to show weight loss from raspberry ketones WERE DONE IN HUMANS. So, yeah, maybe if you have the same fat problems and diabetes as a pale white lab rat (guilty), you could benefit from raspberry ketones the same way. But it’s probably better to just go with diet and exercise.

2. Hydroxycut

I’m sorry to break it to you, but Kim K and Anna Nicole (RIP) lied to us. Hydroxycut has been around for-freaking-ever and is super popular, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t full of sh*t. Basically, this stuff claims to work the same as caffeine, making you all cracked out and jittery in exchange for losing a pound or two. Unfortunately, there’s only one study on the supplement and no long-term data on how effective it is after, like, a week. So yeah, if you crush and snort Hydroxycut and chain smoke for a week, you’re probably gonna lose the same amount of weight you would from drinking 10 cups of coffee and chain-smoking. Amazing!

3. Green Coffee Bean Extract

Ding ding ding! Industry sponsored studies do not an honest supplement make. According to Health Line, green coffee bean extract did help some people lose weight (like, five pounds more than a placebo over the course of a few weeks), but the studies were all pushed and paid for by the company. And, again, the weight loss in these “studies” is so modest that can it even really be counted? I can lose five pounds from eating nothing, too, but I’m not going to market that sh*t. Or maybe I should?

4. CLA

CLA stands for Conjugated Linoleic Acid, and has been popular for like, a while. Again, don’t waste your money / I’m about to ruin your day. Basically, CLA claims to reduce your appetite and give your metabolism a needed push, but in a review of 18 studies, the weight loss was about 0.2 pounds per week with the potential for lots of side-effects. AGAIN, that’s practically water weight I can pee out each morning. Why take the risk for like, oily diarrhea poos and the loss of one singular pound when you can trade a piece of pizza for a salad and feel better?

5. Forskolin

Forskolin is a compound found in the roots of a plant that’s sort of like mint and has been used in herbal medicines for like, ever. Once Dr. Oz started singing songs of its glory, Americans were all about this stuff. The claim is that forskolin effects fat metabolism; however, a lot of the studies showed it had very little, if any, effect on body weight. Even more sketchy, there is INCREDIBLY limited data on side-effects. Probs best to avoid this stuff that I keep reading as “foreskin”.

Images: Giphy (2)

In our health-crazed society, it can be easy to buy into the bullshit. Supplements somehow aren’t FDA-approved, so there is a lot of weird shit out on the market that claims it can do a bunch of stuff that it probably cannot, or it may actually be harmful. Here are the supplements should and could take, and which supplements you should run screaming from. Sorry, Instagram Models, turns out you’re not doctors. I mean, I’m not either. But like, I feel like I have better intentions here.

First, let’s start with the supplements that are legit:

Multi-Vitamins

If you eat a perfectly balanced diet, then you probably don’t need any kind of vitamin supplement. But like, who eats a balanced diet? Even when I’m eating healthy, I still pretty much avoid fruit because I don’t want MyFitnessPal to yell at me at my carb or sugar intake EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE GOOD KIND, YOU ASSHOLES. Like, I’d rather dedicate those carbs to bread. Anyway. Vitamins are essential for healthy body function, sickness immunity, pretty skin, pretty hair, etc. Chances are, you’re not getting enough nutrients from your diet, so if you want to take a multi-vitamin to amp up what you’re lacking, go for it. Especially if you’re like me and you never go outside for some Vitamin D, it may be worth adding a supplement.

Optimum Nutrition Opti-Women Daily Multivitamin Supplement

Fish Oil

Speaking of pretty hair, fish oil is great for your hair, skin, and nails. Less important benefits are that it lowers blood pressure, reduces triglycerides, helps arteries, and reduces the chance of heart attack and stroke. Also? Did not know what triglycerides were. Googled it. Something about cholesterol. Apparently, you’re supposed to eat fish twice a week, according to the American Heart Association, so if you don’t do that you should def get some fish oil into your diet. Some fish oil supplements are, for lack of better words, fucking disgusting, but I take these and they don’t taste like you licked a fish’s asshole. (Do fish have assholes?) Also, they match the bottle above so they look cute together.

Optimum Nutrition Omega 3 Fish Oil

Protein Powder

If you don’t get enough protein in your diet because you eat bread for every meal like I do (like I know it’s bad but I cannot stop), then supplementing with protein powder is totally safe. It is always better to get your nutrients from real food, especially since protein is easy to find, but let’s say you’re crazy a vegan, or you have no self-control like me (dammit, bagels). Protein is essential to your diet because every cell in your body needs it. You need it to repair cells and make new ones. Plus, you need even more if you work out to help muscle repair, and protein keeps you full the longest. Most protein powders are whey-based, meaning they’re essentially condensed milk and you get a lot of protein for not a lot of calories (20g/100 cal for most). Or if you’re vegan, they also have plant-based proteins which are made out of plants. Obviously. I’m assuming.

Now that you know what actually works, here are a few supplements that don’t work. You should avoid these like the plague we’re inevitably all going to get thanks to Kat Von D because she doesn’t believe in vaccines.

Weight Loss Anything

Guys. We need to talk. Weight loss is one of the simplest things in the world. It is free. The secret to weight loss is to eat less and move more. That is it. You don’t need to spend a bunch of money on weight loss products for the magic cure. Such a cure doesn’t exist. You just need to eat less, eat better, move more. Super simple—I know it’s not necessarily easy, but it IS simple. I mean, eating less sucks and I don’t want to, but conceptually this is not difficult nor should you shell out a bunch of money for it. Plus, you’ll actually save money if you’re going out to dinner less and eating less overall. If you manage to find a weight loss supplement that works, chances are it is horrible for you, and it’s better just to do things the right way. Like yeah, meth makes you lose weight too, but then you also look like this:

To be fair, she’s super thin.

Hair Gummies

Ah, hair gummies. Instagram marketing at its best. These gummies are usually around $30 a bottle and are basically a multivitamin with Biotin and a bunch of added sugars thrown in for good measure. Yes, Biotin can help promote hair growth, but you can get a bottle of Biotin supplements from your drugstore for like, $10 and skip all the sugar and unnecessary shit. This is my own personal experience and not at all a proven side-effect, but I ate gummy hair vitamins and all I did was break out. Did my hair grow? Maybe. I couldn’t tell over all the fresh acne.

Appetite Suppressants

Although I understand that Kim Kardashian is a woman of science and she is exactly who we all should take advice from on what to put into our bodies, I am going to violently disagree with this idea of appetite suppressants. One, eating is the best. Two, yeah right that those fucking lollipops even work. Three, you need food to live. If you’re hungry, you should eat, not try to stave off your body’s natural hunger signals. Like, odds are if you’re trying to cut calories, you don’t need to suppress your hunger, just your desire to eat shitty food (hi). You do not need to be sucking on bullshit, pro-starvation lollipops.

Images: Amazon (3); Giphy (1)