In our health-crazed society, it can be easy to buy into the bullshit. Supplements somehow aren’t FDA-approved, so there is a lot of weird shit out on the market that claims it can do a bunch of stuff that it probably cannot, or it may actually be harmful. Here are the supplements should and could take, and which supplements you should run screaming from. Sorry, Instagram Models, turns out you’re not doctors. I mean, I’m not either. But like, I feel like I have better intentions here.
First, let’s start with the supplements that are legit:
If you eat a perfectly balanced diet, then you probably don’t need any kind of vitamin supplement. But like, who eats a balanced diet? Even when I’m eating healthy, I still pretty much avoid fruit because I don’t want MyFitnessPal to yell at me at my carb or sugar intake EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE GOOD KIND, YOU ASSHOLES. Like, I’d rather dedicate those carbs to bread. Anyway. Vitamins are essential for healthy body function, sickness immunity, pretty skin, pretty hair, etc. Chances are, you’re not getting enough nutrients from your diet, so if you want to take a multi-vitamin to amp up what you’re lacking, go for it. Especially if you’re like me and you never go outside for some Vitamin D, it may be worth adding a supplement.
Speaking of pretty hair, fish oil is great for your hair, skin, and nails. Less important benefits are that it lowers blood pressure, reduces triglycerides, helps arteries, and reduces the chance of heart attack and stroke. Also? Did not know what triglycerides were. Googled it. Something about cholesterol. Apparently, you’re supposed to eat fish twice a week, according to the American Heart Association, so if you don’t do that you should def get some fish oil into your diet. Some fish oil supplements are, for lack of better words, fucking disgusting, but I take these and they don’t taste like you licked a fish’s asshole. (Do fish have assholes?) Also, they match the bottle above so they look cute together.
If you don’t get enough protein in your diet because you eat bread for every meal like I do (like I know it’s bad but I cannot stop), then supplementing with protein powder is totally safe. It is always better to get your nutrients from real food, especially since protein is easy to find, but let’s say you’re
crazy a vegan, or you have no self-control like me (dammit, bagels). Protein is essential to your diet because every cell in your body needs it. You need it to repair cells and make new ones. Plus, you need even more if you work out to help muscle repair, and protein keeps you full the longest. Most protein powders are whey-based, meaning they’re essentially condensed milk and you get a lot of protein for not a lot of calories (20g/100 cal for most). Or if you’re vegan, they also have plant-based proteins which are made out of plants. Obviously. I’m assuming.
Now that you know what actually works, here are a few supplements that don’t work. You should avoid these like the plague we’re inevitably all going to get thanks to Kat Von D because she doesn’t believe in vaccines.
Weight Loss Anything
Guys. We need to talk. Weight loss is one of the simplest things in the world. It is free. The secret to weight loss is to eat less and move more. That is it. You don’t need to spend a bunch of money on weight loss products for the magic cure. Such a cure doesn’t exist. You just need to eat less, eat better, move more. Super simple—I know it’s not necessarily easy, but it IS simple. I mean, eating less sucks and I don’t want to, but conceptually this is not difficult nor should you shell out a bunch of money for it. Plus, you’ll actually save money if you’re going out to dinner less and eating less overall. If you manage to find a weight loss supplement that works, chances are it is horrible for you, and it’s better just to do things the right way. Like yeah, meth makes you lose weight too, but then you also look like this:
To be fair, she’s super thin.
Ah, hair gummies. Instagram marketing at its best. These gummies are usually around $30 a bottle and are basically a multivitamin with Biotin and a bunch of added sugars thrown in for good measure. Yes, Biotin can help promote hair growth, but you can get a bottle of Biotin supplements from your drugstore for like, $10 and skip all the sugar and unnecessary shit. This is my own personal experience and not at all a proven side-effect, but I ate gummy hair vitamins and all I did was break out. Did my hair grow? Maybe. I couldn’t tell over all the fresh acne.
Although I understand that Kim Kardashian is a woman of science and she is exactly who we all should take advice from on what to put into our bodies, I am going to violently disagree with this idea of appetite suppressants. One, eating is the best. Two, yeah right that those fucking lollipops even work. Three, you need food to live. If you’re hungry, you should eat, not try to stave off your body’s natural hunger signals. Like, odds are if you’re trying to cut calories, you don’t need to suppress your hunger, just your desire to eat shitty food (hi). You do not need to be sucking on bullshit, pro-starvation lollipops.
Images: Amazon (3); Giphy (1)
Kourtney Kardashian is proof that your body can actually look better with age. She’s also proof that people seriously buy that shit you pass in Whole Foods and ask, “Organic mushroom cordyceps? WTF has this world become?” Aside from working out on a daily basis and adhering to a strict gluten-free, dairy-free diet, Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes shit-ton of weird supplements and wellness tricks. Like, it’s worse than you’d think. I’ve always been down to try different wellness routines and health tricks, so I took a look at Kourtney’s daily routine and picked five wellness rituals I thought I’d be able to stick to for a solid amount of time. I quickly eschewed the spoonful of ghee butter every morning, but I found five that seemed realistic. Here’s what I learned.
1. Probiotic Supplement
I’ve already raved about the benefits of daily probiotics on this site, so this one was easy for me to take on. I’ve taken different multivitamins and iron supplements in the past and had never actually felt their effects, but when it came to taking a probiotic, it was a game-changer. Probiotics are basically healthy bacteria for your gut, and they help balance the microbiome in our bodies. They’re supposed to improve the immune system, lower blood pressure, and help regulate digestion. I took one in the morning before my coffee, and within a couple days, I already felt like my digestion was better and my stomach didn’t hurt at all during the day. IDK what brand Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes but I assume they’re all pretty similar, so get on board.
2. Apple Cider Vinegar
Kourtney has raved about this one for a while now: The daily ACV. Kourtney drinks a tablespoon of organic apple cider vinegar mixed with water in the morning, and she claims it does wonders for her skin and body. I was kinda skeptical about this one because the idea of drinking vinegar on an empty stomach makes me wanna hurl, but I sucked it up and did it. Honestly, I’m not sure if it did anything for me. It actually made my esophagus feel pretty acidic and weird, and mixing it with water just made it taste like watered down vinegar. Not a fan.
3. Vegan Probiotic Shot
A key part of Kourtney Kardashian’s diet is the vegan probiotic shot that she takes in the morning before her avocado pudding, and honestly I still don’t know what this is. Luckily I live down the street from Pressed Juicery so I asked them for anything that related to a vegan probiotic shot. They gave me their Digestion Shot, which turned out to be a tiny bottled concoction of ginger, probiotics, parsley, aloe vera, celery, moringa, and yup—that goddamn apple cider vinegar again. The actual shot tasted pretty good and it wasn’t hard to get down. I’ve taken ginger shots in the past when I’ve felt a cold coming on, and this was a piece of cake compared to those things. But like, not actual cake, obviously. It’s essentially a shot of celery and aloe vera. Keep expectations low.
4. Gallon Of Water
I know a gallon of water seems like a lot, but if you’ve watched enough episodes of Keeping Up, you know what the Kardashian’s supply of refrigerated Smart Waters looks like, so it’s not that surprising that this girl is chugging water all day. If I had a designated fridge for water I’d probably drink more of it, too. Anyway, drinking a gallon of water everyday was difficult, especially in the winter. When it’s warm out it’s probably easy to get more water down, but I live in New York City and I don’t really feel like chugging a 24-pack of Poland Spring when I’d rather be sipping on a hot cocoa. I was also running to the bathroom to pee every five minutes. Why don’t they show that on the show?
5. Vegan Protein Supplement
Kourtney eats a lot of lean protein sources, like grilled chicken, fish, and eggs, but she also adds vegan protein powder to her post-workout shakes for some added protein. Once again, IDK what brand Kourtney uses, but I bought an organic blend of pea protein and brown rice protein from Whole Foods and mixed it with vanilla almond milk after my workout. Honestly, it was pretty good. Vegan protein is known for being a little more grainy and not as creamy as whey protein powders, but after an aggressive shake, the powder mixed pretty well and tasted kinda like a watered down vanilla milkshake. It sounds gross but like, it’s a vegan protein shake… IDK what I expected. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.
Images: Giphy (5); Shutterstock
Who here is still feeling personally victimized by the weekend? *raises both hands and feet* I mean, I realize it’s Tuesday—a full 72 hours since I’ve sabotaged my mind, body, and spirit by ingesting enough alcohol to kill most humans and texting every person in my phone who has a penis—but the damage still feels very recent, ya know? If you couldn’t tell, I’m really thriving in this life. My mother is v proud. Anyway, as a result of
the way I choose to live my life these circumstances that 100 percent could not be prevented in any way, shape, or form, my hair, skin, and body are starting to fall apart faster than my credit score. It’s like the world is trying to tell me something? Like maybe treating my body like the floor of a frat house might have more long-lasting consequences than just having to scrub my social media of my drunken antics from the night before? Or that maybe I need to start actually taking care of myself…? *shudders* Nah, I’m not looking to fix all my problems by, like, changing my life and all my habits. I’d rather just take a pill or whatever. Or in this case, a beauty supplement aka the thing that makes you look pretty without you having to actually put any effort into it. Blessings. I’m guessing that you, like me, are also a human trash bag someone who looks for the easy way out whenever possible, so I’m sure I’m about to change your whole life with this hard-hitting segment on beauty supplements. You’re welcome in advance. Anyway, here are the beauty supplements you need to be taking like, right fucking now so you can tell everyone you just woke up like this and actually mean it.
For Your Best Hair Day
Celebrity hairstylist Jen Atkin, stylist to Bella Hadid and the Kardashian Klan
and their wigs, is saving all of our average lives because she just released a hair growth supplement called Ouai Dry Hair Supplement, so now you too can look like an off-brand celebrity. See, Mom? Dreams do come true. The supplement is made specifically for dry, brittle, or thinning hair, but really if you have hair in general, you should be taking this shit on a daily basis. Packed with vitamin E, amino acids, and biotin, it will make your hair look shiny and hydrated AF.
For When You Feel Tired AF
So basically my constant state of being 4-6 days a week. Hey, it’s not my fault I lead a thrilling and adventurous life with my Netflix account that constantly keeps me up way past a normal person’s bedtime. A girl’s gotta have her priorities, am I right? If you’re high-key always tired like me, then try taking Olly Restful Sleep Blackberry Zen Vitamin Gummies. Hopefully, after an extended amount of time with these bad boys you’ll look less like a zombie and more like you actually have your shit together. A girl can dream. These gummies help to restore your hair, skin, and nails while also giving you an extreme boost of energy. Made with melatonin and other ingredients to help promote sleep, you should take these right before bed to help get you into a relaxed state before you pass the fuck out.
For When You’re Stressed AF
My stress levels are constantly somewhere between eating-my-feelings stressed and I’m-about-to-jump-into-oncoming-traffic stressed, and I am not about to get premature wrinkles just because I can’t get my life together. No fucking way. Goop vitamins in the “Why Am I So Effing Tired” formula will save your fucking life. And, no, this isn’t some gag product. That’s the name of an actual beauty supplement. The mix aims to combat fatigue, increase energy levels, and diminish stress by combining Vitamin B, Omega 3’s, and a bunch of other shit that will keep you looking fresh AF.
For When You Look Like The Crypt Keeper
If you’re looking for a formula that specifically combats wrinkles then you should invest in Dr. Barbara Sturm’s Skin Food, which is actually quite an investment because this shit is pricey AF. That said, it really fucking works. While it won’t get the root of your problems (i.e. staying up late to watch the entire first season of Riverdale for the third fucking time in three months, and then being so tired at work all you do is google “Cole Sprouse + girlfriend?” before spending the last few hours of your day wondering why you sabotage your life like this, and then going home to do it all over again) but it will keep your skin looking like something out of a Neutrogena commercial. Really all I can ask for at this point. This supplement utilizes the ingredient purslane, which is an anti-inflammatory and rich in antioxidants to protect your skin and support its healthy function. Plus these capsules also help hydrate and moisturize your skin.
For When You Feel Fat AF
Ever wake up on a Monday morning, bloated from the combination of brunch, mimosas, and poor life choices and wish you could take a diet pill, but without the ephedrine and risk of heart attack? No, me either, I have no idea what that’s like. For the rest of you aka not dirty fucking liars out there, HUM Nutrition’s Skinny Bird is basically what Regina George thought Kaltene bars were. They contain Caralluma Fimbriata to curb appetite, 5-HTP to reduce stress eating, green tea extract to boost metabolism, and chromium to control blood sugar. No, I don’t know how any of it really works but you’ll drop 10 pounds like that! *snaps* Take one capsule up to three times a day a half hour before your next meal so you don’t over eat.
For When Your Life Is Just Falling Apart In General
Honestly, so relatable. I live off a steady diet of cheese and shitty Pinot Grigio, so let’s just say all aspects of my outward appearance are constantly being personally victimized by me and my disgusting lifestyle. If you relate to
my Bumble bio this lifestyle as well, then you’re going to want to invest in a multivitamin to cover all your bases. Ritual Essential for women is one of the more up-and-coming multivitamins for women and it’s supposed to give you better, skin, hair, and nails, and it’s got nine essential nutrients in it that most women lack, like iron, magnesium, vitamin D3, folate, and more. The only bad news here is you need a prescription to get access to these miracle workers. But the good news is now you have an excuse to spend the rest of your day on Zocdoc looking up hot AF doctors to take pity on you and write you a prescription.
As much as we try our best to take care of ourselves and stay on top of our health, sometimes (aka every weekend) we slip up. Like, I can spend Monday through Friday talking about my waspy paleo diet and active lifestyle, but then the weekend comes with like, eight tequila shots, a late-night diner stop, a grueling hangover and a full-on carboload, and suddenly I’m like, barely alive by Sunday night. We did some research and rounded up some supplements that will help keep you healthy on those days where you forgot to eat a vegetable or get more than four hours of sleep or replaced water with grain alcohol. Here are seven supplements you should be taking on the reg:
Taking a probiotic every morning will help with digestion, prevent bloating, and keep your gut healthy throughout the day. Probiotics are literally live bacteria and yeast, which sounds gross AF, but your body already produces them naturally, and adding an extra supplement will change your life. If your stomach is particularly sensitive to specific foods, a probiotic will do wonders for any bloating or nausea you might have throughout the day. Also, if you frequently get yeast infections or other vaginal probs, probiotics might help balance your shit out. Yah these things are like 30 fucking dollars a box at CVS, but just suck it up because they’re the best.
This one sounds gross too, but don’t knock it till you down it with a liter of water. Taking a fish oil supplement every day has been proven to prevent ADHD, Alzheimer’s, depression and anxiety. It’ll also help reduce inflammation in your body strengthen your hair and nails, so stop gagging and order your fish oil. We know what you’re thinking, and no it won’t make your vagina smell or taste (more) like fish.
Vitamin C isn’t only meant to be taken when you feel a cold coming on. It obviously boosts your immune system which helps prevent sickness, but Vitamin C has so many other benefits that most people don’t know about. Vitamin C is an antioxidant, and it’ll help your body maintain any weak connective tissue, like your bones, blood vessels, and skin. If you’re prone to breakouts or blackheads, taking a Vitamin C supplement will be a game changer for your skin.
You may have seen collagen powder being used in a smoothie in some health food blogger’s Instagram story, and there’s a reason it’s completely blowing up in the wellness world. Collagen is a tasteless powder that helps aid gut health, soothes sore muscles, and prevents wrinkles in your skin as you get older. Plus, two scoops has like, 20 grams of protein, so adding some to your smoothies or yogurts, or even your coffee, will help keep you full longer after breakfast. PSA: Getting collagen injected into your lips does not count, Kylie.
Most betches happen to be anemic as fuck, but even if you’re not, getting some extra iron in your diet is so good for you. When you’re not getting enough iron, your nails will get super brittle, you’ll bruise really easily, and your hair might even start falling out. Don’t wait till you look like Mary-Kate Olsen. Start taking a slow-release iron supplement to keep your body strong and keep your hair on your head.
There are eight B Vitamins, and they have been proven to help maintain your metabolism, your muscle tone, and your concentration. Folic acid, specifically, helps keep red blood cells healthy, which is super important for your long-term health. Whether you’re going into work with two hours of sleep, recovering from a weekend of one too many vodka sodas, or just trying to upkeep all that work from your 2-pound SoulCycle weights, taking B vitamins is def the right call for you.
Bullshit ads from your childhood have been telling you to drink a shit ton of milk to get your calcium, but a lot of leafy greens and vegetables actually have more calcium in them than dairy does, so you don’t have to be chugging a cup of 2% every morning. I mean, that should be a given. Anyway, if you’re worried your bones could use some extra strength or you’re prone to dental issues, taking a calcium supplement is a good idea.