In the overwhelmingly WASPy world of trendy superfoods, coconut water has risen to the top, promising every hungover and electrolyte-depleted betch that it would solve all of our problems. Today, that promise is being broken, and TBH we were just starting to get used to its (v mediocre) taste.
In a new study that just came out, a group of researchers and dietitians took another look at coconut water’s properties, and concluded that it’s really not that healthy for us. I mean, they didn’t say it’s UNHEALTHY or anything, but the research basically showed that coconut water is literally sugar water from a coconut, and isn’t doing that much for us in the health department.
For the past couple years, coconut water has been placed on the same shelf as green juice and kombucha, promising white girls everywhere that it would give them clear skin, nails, tons of energy, and an amazing body. I don’t know about you guys, but I kinda want a refund. Like, if I would’ve known that coconut water is essentially a more caloric version of water, I never would’ve bought an entire case to keep by my bedside for Sunday mornings. I also wouldn’t have spent $14 on a coconut in Mexico just for the Instagram (but then again that picture got like, 200 likes so don’t hold me to that).
If you’re wondering what the study concluded exactly, here’s a summary of the science behind coconut water:
While coconut water does have some potassium and vitamins in it, it doesn’t have any specific hydrating or weight loss benefits that go along with it. So, people who think of coconut water as a healthy Gatorade are just wrong. In fact, coconut water isn’t as filling as real foods that have the same calories and vitamins in them, so you’re better off just eating healthy foods.
We’re obviously just as outraged as you are, and we’d like to know who started spreading these healthy coconut water rumors in the first place. Seriously, we want names. I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.
We’ve already established that you can now drink yourself pretty, but what’s better than incorporating drinking into your beauty regimen? Food. Food is always better. Like, sure, blacking out off vodka sodas is fun and all, but if I could take those calories and use them towards eating my weight in cheese without becoming the “before” girl in a commercial for Nutrisystem, best believe I would. So yeah, now that we’ve established that food is objectively the best thing ever, it’s time to talk about how you can consume unlimited amounts of (certain) foods and not only not turn into a hideous troll creature, but actually look even prettier than you do now. I can understand why you don’t believe me—it goes against basically everything we’ve ever been taught—but this is literally real. We’ve rounded up the best foods that are good for your hair, skin, abs, and just overall attractiveness WITHOUT sending your waistline into a death spiral. And it’s here just in time for you to drink excessively and ruin your diet by drunk eating pizza. Yas. So let’s see which secret beauty boosting foods are basic and which ones are betchy. Here’s a list of the betchiest beauty foods ranked:
8. Flaxseed
This seems like something Kourtney Kardashian would feed her children for “dessert.” Is this why Reign always looks like he wants to set someone on fire?
Seriously, someone get this kid a Capri Sun.
It’s recommended that you ground the seeds up into a “meal” for a better taste, but I’m still skeptical about calling shit you’d find on a bird feeder a meal. Aside from looking fucking miserable to eat, the omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids in flaxseed actually can help fix skin conditions like acne or eczema. But all the flawless skin in the world isn’t going to take this food out of last place for the reason that when I want to eat like a small bird, I’m talking about the quantity of food I’m eating and not the actual food itself.
7. Greek Yogurt
Is it just me or does a part of you die inside every time you eat Greek yogurt because you’re wishing it was actually frozen yogurt? Just me? K. Fine, if I have to eat this tasteless paste at least it’s packed with enough calcium and protein to keep my teeth looking gorgeous. Yogurt also contains natural live active cultures or “good” bacteria (sorry, I just vomited in my mouth for a minute) that aid in digestion and keep your stomach flat. Blessings.
6. Almond Butter
It has the word butter in it, which makes me want to root for it but it’s not actual butter or even peanut butter so now I’m just disappointed. It does have vitamin E, manganese, and selenium in it, which helps keep your hair shiny so it has that going for it. What puts it as #6 on the list is that health weirdos everywhere are rubbing this shit all over their bodies as some sort of DIY beauty serum. Jesus Christ, I hate people. Body hair and butter should never mix and for that, coupled with the fact that this shit costs like $11 a jar, Almond Butter gets the sixth spot.
5. Sweet Potato Fries
Okay, finally, something I actually want to put in my mouth. Full disclosure here, I may have added on the fries part to the end of this one, BUT sweet potatoes are hella good for you and promote glowing, gorgeous skin thanks to all the beta-carotene in them. They also have a shit ton of vitamins A, C, and E in them, which can help improve the look of your hair and skin. Mr. Potato would have been higher on the list had this beauty food actually been in fry form, but I guess you can’t win ’em all.
4. Berries
Aside from looking chic AF in your champagne glass, berries are loaded with anti-inflammatory agents and vitamins that help protect your skin from showing signs of premature aging. They’re also packed with vitamin C, which helps produce skin that’s firm and strong. Basically berries are natural botox for your skin and I AM ABOUT IT.
3. Kale
Other than being betchy as hell, Kale is actually one of the most nutrient-dense superfoods and one cup of it can literally fix your whole life (i.e. give you gorgeous hair, strong bones, and awesome teeth). Kale can definitely sit was us.
2. Dark Chocolate
About fucking time. This is something that’s already incorporated in my daily diet because #FitLife. Chocolate contains anti-aging antioxidants, which fight free radicals to protect your skin from UV damage and help prevent the appearance of wrinkles, fine lines, and skin discolorations. Plus it tastes like a dream and may or may not curb all of my homicidal tendencies.
1. Avocados
Avocados are the betchiest beauty food for sure. Not only are they the most Insta-worthy vegetable fruit (WTF seriously?), but avocados are also super fucking good for you. All of those monounsaturated fatty acids will make your hair look better than a Garnier Fructis commercial. Plus I love anything that brands itself as the “good kind of fat.” Better get these while you can, girls, they’re about to cost more than your senior year spring break trip to Cabo—because aside from ruining our lives, President Cheeto also wants us to look ugly. Ugh.
