Listen up, fatties. Whether or not you gave a fuck about what was happening on the television last night, you and I both know you drank enough beer during the Super Bowl to put Tom Brady under the table. But now the celebration/mourning/excuse for drinking is over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
The good news is that it’s winter, so you don’t have to worry about photos of your newfound beer belly winding up in a bikini pic on Instagram. The bad news is that if you’re anything like me, you feel like an extra on The Walking Dead right now (read: zombielike, vaguely miserable, and underpaid).
So what’s a betch to do? Follow advice she found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after doing one kegstand too many last night.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replace Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it; you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc.
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from last night, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Asparagus Tonight
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by upregulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Seltzer
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
You want a beer but you don’t want to be bloated and farty. It’s a dilemma that has plagued betches the world over since the dawn of time. Plus, beer tends to unfortunately add to our waistlines, which is less than cool.
With the Super Bowl coming up on Sunday, we need a game plan right fucking now to combat the potential for un-cute, disgusting, bloated bellies.
Here are five beers to stick with to prevent it. Of course, if none are available, drink some vodka like a fucking adult.
1. Sam Adams Light
At 119 calories for the bottle and only 10g of carbs, this one is a fucking winner. Sure, Sam Adams is pretty basic, but so is a girl with a pudgy stomach. So, you be the judge.
2. Bud Light Lime
Speaking of basic, we know this beer is beloved by beach rednecks, but the lime taste and only 116 calories make it super awesome for not ruining your eventual beach body. Pair with shots of tequila for a blackout party. You didn’t hear that last part from us.
3. Guinness Draught
Shockingly, this one only weighs in at 126 calories AND gives you the Guinness taste without the Guinness bloat. Now you can sip, reminisce about being abroad in Ireland, and piss off everyone around you.
4. Bold Rock Hard Cider
Not a beer girl? That’s fine—opt for a low calorie cider like Bold Rock, which clocks in at about 120 calories. Plus, the sweet apple juice taste makes for prime sippin’. It isn’t bad mixed with bourbon either, JUST SAYING.
5. Michelob Ultra
What has 4.2% alcohol, 3g of carbs, and only 95 calories? Michelob Ultra. This beer is found literally everywhere and you shouldn’t have a hard time knocking back two or three without feeling too guilty.
Beat the bloat even more by pouring your beer OUT of the can or bottle and into a fucking glass. Not only will you look like a civilized member of society, but the wider drinking surface area will result in you taking in a lot of air. Thus, less bloating and more science.
The Super Bowl is coming and, while we have to pretend to care about the goddamn Patriots AGAIN, we can at least distract ourselves with yummy food.
But don’t get too fucking distracted; you could end up eating 4,000 calories if you aren’t careful, and no one likes a beached whale. Here are our foolproof pointers for what you can and can’t eat during this year’s assortment of Super Bowl parties. Good luck out there.
1. Chips And Salsa—Not Chips And Dip
It’s a thin line, but it’s fucking there. If you MUST partake in a salty snack, skip the onion dip and chips (yes, even if they’re fucking baked) and opt for the tortilla dips and salsa. Six tablespoons of salsa will set you back about 45 calories, while six tablespoons of onion dip will set you back about 180 calories. Add in a handful of greasy potato chips and you may as well dive head first into a box of Twinkies.
2. Always Skip The Wings
Yes, even though you’re thinking “omg they’re so little,” did you know that ONE buffalo chicken wing would require you running the length of a football field 12 times to burn off? Yeah. Let that sink in. If you MUST have wings, opt for original—NEVER go for the garlic-parmesan-teriyaki-whatever or boneless. They’re heavier in calories and salt than most basic wings. Plus, the bone-in wings force you to eat more slowly, letting you really think about the amount of calories you’re putting into your body. Hooray.
3. Choose Liquor Over Beer
Obvs you’re going to drink, so opt for something like a vodka soda over a heavy beer. You’ll be forced to sip in order to avoid blacking out, AND you won’t have to deal with a beer gut/bloaty-farty feelings later. If liquor isn’t on the menu, opt for a light beer.
4. Nachos
You need them? Then pick from the bottom of the pile. This will limit your cheese intake and cut some calories. Also, grab some jalapeños, because spice equals faster metabolism.
5. Load Up On Veggies As Soon As You Walk In
We obviously all know you should stand next to the veggie tray, but we know eating only vegetables for a fucking four hour game is cruel and unusual. Instead, as soon as you get to the party, load up on as many veggies as you can without looking like a weirdo. Then, chug a ton of water. Wait about a half hour, then you can indulge…a little. The veggies and water will fill your stomach with good things so as to combat your ability to eat shit you shouldn’t.
6. Subs And Sandwiches
These are usually around during Super Bowl parties. If they are, opt for the one on whole wheat with no mayo and lots of meat. Shit, pile a few celery sticks and carrots on there so as to fill up faster. Oh, and remove the cheese. Sorry. You could also remove all the bread and roll the meat and cheese around celery/carrot sticks. Sure, you’ll look like a fucking weirdo, but at least you aren’t eating carbs.
