Sorry to fall into a stereotype that matches my chromosomes, but after Googling “what is the super bowl?” I decided to give it a strong, hard pass. That is, until someone informed me that Gisele Bundchen would be there. And that Lady Gaga would be performing at halftime. Though I was pulling for another meat dress—or at the very least, a revival of her Mona Lisa poncho—I was not disappointed by anything Gaga did on that stage. Including the in-air acrobatics. V impressive.
^^^ Never forget.
The real thing on my mind though (besides wondering if Mike Pence was enjoying the performance or if he was just in the corner of the bathroom rocking back and forth mumbling “no homo”) was Gaga’s makeup. From the bright red lip, to the subtle plastic surgery she’s received over the years, to the eye mask thing. Even through the lens of my alcohol impaired eyes, I could tell that it was spectacular.
According to Allure, the artist behind Gaga’s makeup is a woman-turned-face-magician named Sarah Tanno. Here’s a play-by-play of what she did. In case you are as curious as I am, or want to copy the look and subsequently film yourself hip thrusting in a studded metallic bodysuit to “Poker Face.”
Sarah began Gaga’s makeup with a petwer cream shadow. She used Marc Jacobs Beauty Twinkle Pop Stick Eyeshadow in Au Revoir.
Next, she smudged a shimmery lavender pencil all around the eyes, Marc Jacobs Beauty Highliner Gel Crayon in Violet Femme.
Then, she swiped a plum shadow in the crease of the eye, and a light lavender shadow on top of the lids in the middle to give dimension. To top off the shadow portion, Sarah highlighted Gaga’s brown bone with a “frosty pale pink.” She used colors from the Marc Jacobs Beauty Style Eye-Con No. 7 Plush Shadow palette for this.
For the winged eyeliner, Sarah started with a black pencil and then put a liquid on top of it. (Genius.) She used Marc Jacobs Beauty Magic Marc’er Precision Pen Liquid Eyeliner in Blacquer. Hmm, sensing a theme here.
Lastly, Sarah added a shit fuck ton of mascara (love) and brightened up the eyes by putting Marc Jacobs Beauty Highliner Matte Gel Eye Crayon in Pink of Me on Gaga’s waterlines. In other words, you’re going to spend hundreds of dollars at the Marc Jacobs section of Sephora buying 65 slightly different shades of pink and purple just to get the eye makeup portion of Gaga’s look. Already questioning if this is worth it, but in the name of journalism we’re going to keep going.
To get the perfect red, Sarah put You-Already-Know-Who-Made-This Le Marc Lip Crème Lipstick in Dashing, a deep “candy apple red” on Gaga’s very talented mouth.
She then swiped a fuschia gloss over top. (Marc Jacobs Beauty Enamored Hi-Shine Lipgloss in Hot Hot Hot.)
Eye Mask Situation:
Marc by Marc Jacobs Self-Stick Eye Crystals. JK. It was just a decal made out of crystals, probably not made by Marc Jacobs but you never fucking know. As for how to replicate this, not entirely sure, but I suggest a trip to your local craft supply store and a dose of humility.
Listen up, fatties. Whether or not you gave a fuck about what was happening on the television last night, you and I both know you drank enough beer during the Super Bowl to put Tom Brady under the table. But now the celebration/mourning/excuse for drinking is over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
The good news is that it’s winter, so you don’t have to worry about photos of your newfound beer belly winding up in a bikini pic on Instagram. The bad news is that if you’re anything like me, you feel like an extra on The Walking Dead right now (read: zombielike, vaguely miserable, and underpaid).
So what’s a betch to do? Follow advice she found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after doing one kegstand too many last night.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replace Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it; you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc.
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from last night, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Asparagus Tonight
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by upregulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Seltzer
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Jambo, betches. If you live in America/not under a rock, you’re well aware that today is the Super Bowl, aka a day where people across the country pretend to give a shit about football in the game of getting fucked up. Which is why we’ve created this super easy Super Bowl Drinking Game. Beware, this game is not going to get you slightly buzzed—you’ll probably need to call out of work tomorrow, so hopefully you have a few sick days left. Anyway, watch the video below to find out the rules.
You want a beer but you don’t want to be bloated and farty. It’s a dilemma that has plagued betches the world over since the dawn of time. Plus, beer tends to unfortunately add to our waistlines, which is less than cool.
With the Super Bowl coming up on Sunday, we need a game plan right fucking now to combat the potential for un-cute, disgusting, bloated bellies.
Here are five beers to stick with to prevent it. Of course, if none are available, drink some vodka like a fucking adult.
1. Sam Adams Light
At 119 calories for the bottle and only 10g of carbs, this one is a fucking winner. Sure, Sam Adams is pretty basic, but so is a girl with a pudgy stomach. So, you be the judge.
2. Bud Light Lime
Speaking of basic, we know this beer is beloved by beach rednecks, but the lime taste and only 116 calories make it super awesome for not ruining your eventual beach body. Pair with shots of tequila for a blackout party. You didn’t hear that last part from us.
3. Guinness Draught
Shockingly, this one only weighs in at 126 calories AND gives you the Guinness taste without the Guinness bloat. Now you can sip, reminisce about being abroad in Ireland, and piss off everyone around you.
4. Bold Rock Hard Cider
Not a beer girl? That’s fine—opt for a low calorie cider like Bold Rock, which clocks in at about 120 calories. Plus, the sweet apple juice taste makes for prime sippin’. It isn’t bad mixed with bourbon either, JUST SAYING.
5. Michelob Ultra
What has 4.2% alcohol, 3g of carbs, and only 95 calories? Michelob Ultra. This beer is found literally everywhere and you shouldn’t have a hard time knocking back two or three without feeling too guilty.
Beat the bloat even more by pouring your beer OUT of the can or bottle and into a fucking glass. Not only will you look like a civilized member of society, but the wider drinking surface area will result in you taking in a lot of air. Thus, less bloating and more science.
If there’s anything the Super Bowl is good for, it’s getting fucked up on a random Sunday in February. And while we pretend to give a shit about football strictly for the hot guys in tight pants, this Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons offers a pretty good alternative to get moderately excited about football.
As with all Betch-approved drinking games, this game wasn’t designed to give you a light buzz. You’re going to get fucked up, and you’re going to likely call out of work sick the next day (which some of our fellow Americans—including John Kasich—actually believe should be a federal holiday, but I digress).
So let’s get started.
Pick a team, either the
Tom Brady’s Patriots or the Falcons. Whenever this team scores, you will drink the number of seconds for how many points are scored. So, like, touchdowns will be super exciting (that’s six points, so six seconds of chugging). Sip when your team scores any of the following:
- Extra point: 1 second
- 2-point conversion: 2 seconds
- Safety: 2 seconds
- Field goals: 3 seconds
- Touchdown: 6 points
If you have no idea wtf any of those things are, ask the nearest male.
And that’s enough football talk for the year. Bye.
Hot Guy Rules:
Whenever the following happens, take one sip:
- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady looks incredible
- Danny Amendola, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski or really any hot member of the Patriots is shown without their helmet
- You begin to drool over Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones’s arms
- Luke Bryan looks patriotic AF singing the national anthem
Take a shot if:
- You begin to drunkenly develop a crush on Patriots head coach Bill Belichick
- Tom Brady’s hot backup Jimmy Garoppolo comes in to play
- You start DM-ing Jimmy Garoppolo—no, wait, two shots
Take a sip whenever:
- Someone at the party double-dips into the guacamole
- Anyone does a ridiculous dance after a touchdown (whether on your television or in-person)
- A drunk asshole yells at the television. It’s just a fucking game, Todd.
- There’s a puppy during a commercial
- A Bud Light commercial comes on (take an extra sip if, in the beginning, you thought it was going to be a commercial for something else)
- Someone mentions Deflategate
- Anyone at the party steals your drink
- Lady Gaga fucks up the halftime performance
- You wish Beyoncé were doing the halftime show instead—no wait, scratch that. Don’t want anybody to get alcohol poisoning on our watch.
- You start to think you might actually like footballl
Take a shot whenever:
You realize you have to go to work tomorrow. And then don’t stop drinking.