As Americans who proudly DGAF about sports but still want to partake in a national tradition we’ll never understand, we really have no other choice than to eat an endless amount of calories during the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are known to include every American high-fat culinary embarrassment from mac and cheese to spicy wings, and unless you intend on getting through the game by drinking a room-temp Corona Light and pretending to understand what’s going on, you’ll be eating. Making healthy choices during the Super Bowl is almost impossible, but if you’re looking to host or attend a Super Bowl party without eating a month’s worth of calories in one day, here are the foods to avoid and some healthier alternatives to consider:
1. Fully Loaded Nachos
Super bowl nachos are basically a death sentence, but they’re also tragically amazing. Like, whoever invented these was definitely stoned and had definitely been working too many hours at Taco Bell. If you really insist on having some, try grabbing from the corners of the bowl, where the chips aren’t completely drenched in cheese and sour cream. If you’re hosting your own party, bake your own zucchini chips or kale chips and season the shit out of them. They’re obviously not hardcore nachos, but they’re way less calories and still taste good, so don’t knock it.
2. Buffalo Wings
Apparently Americans eat 1.33 billion chicken wings during the Super Bowl every year, and they all regret it the next morning. Wings are always a bad call if you’re trying to stay somewhat healthy. Don’t try to convince yourself that you need protein, because it just doesn’t count. If you’re making your own, try a basic recipe with no added sugars, using just tomato sauce, garlic, onion, honey, apple cider vinegar, paprika, and salt and pepper. Always bake instead of fry. If you’re eating them out of a red KFC bucket, they’re probably a lot worse for you than you’d think. Put down the wings.
3. Pigs In A Blanket
Okay, YUM. If you didn’t spend your adolescent years heating up frozen pigs in a blanket and french fries after school, I’m so sorry for you. These are addictive, but honestly unless you have the self control of a Victoria’s Secret model, don’t get started with these. You’d think they’re so small and harmless, but eating only four of these equates to over 20 grams of fat, so be careful. You tell yourself you’ll only have a few, and then suddenly you’re Guy Fieri going ham at a random diner in the midwest. If you need something to snack on while
refreshing Instagram watching the game, I’d stick with pita chips and hummus as a safer option.
4. Queso Dip
We already spoke about cheesy nachos, but let’s take a moment to discuss queso, the dip that is essentially glorified melted cheese. With some butter and milk. Maybe a sprinkle of garlic and cayenne pepper, but we all know the cheese is the real star here. This dip is a heart attack in a bowl, and honestly it’s really not worth the calories if you’re *basically* sober at 5pm on a Sunday. If there’s guac around, go for that instead, and if you’re making your own dip, find a spinach artichoke dip recipe made with Greek yogurt and light mayo. It’s a fraction of the calories, it’s delish, and if it means avoiding 400 grams of fat, we’re here for it.
Chili is made in different ways so we can’t say all of them are horrible for you, but usually, if you’re consuming a dish made from ground beef, beer, and sour cream, we’re gonna suggest you stay away. Chili is also one of those dishes where no one really has any perception of a serving size, so you just end up eating it like you’re a bottomless pit who just finished a Yom Kippur fast. Instead, go for the salmon burger, the grilled chicken, or even the meatballs would be a better option. At least in that case you can count how many you’ve had.
We’ve already accepted the fact that you’ll be blackout by the halftime show, so let’s disregard alcohol calories for a second. If you’re mixing your drinks with soda, or even worse, just sipping on a Regular Sprite because you’re not in the mood for water, put the cup down. You’re eating enough calories at this party to feed a small village. You really don’t need to drink your (non-alcoholic) calories, too. Keep your alcohol choices simple and avoid all regular sodas and sugary syrups. If you’re making a mixed drink, stick with zero-calorie options like La Croix or Diet Coke instead. Straight vodka works too. It’s a long game.
Images: Niklas Rhose / Unsplash. Giphy.
Sorry to fall into a stereotype that matches my chromosomes, but after Googling “what is the super bowl?” I decided to give it a strong, hard pass. That is, until someone informed me that Gisele Bundchen would be there. And that Lady Gaga would be performing at halftime. Though I was pulling for another meat dress—or at the very least, a revival of her Mona Lisa poncho—I was not disappointed by anything Gaga did on that stage. Including the in-air acrobatics. V impressive.
^^^ Never forget.
The real thing on my mind though (besides wondering if Mike Pence was enjoying the performance or if he was just in the corner of the bathroom rocking back and forth mumbling “no homo”) was Gaga’s makeup. From the bright red lip, to the subtle plastic surgery she’s received over the years, to the eye mask thing. Even through the lens of my alcohol impaired eyes, I could tell that it was spectacular.
According to Allure, the artist behind Gaga’s makeup is a woman-turned-face-magician named Sarah Tanno. Here’s a play-by-play of what she did. In case you are as curious as I am, or want to copy the look and subsequently film yourself hip thrusting in a studded metallic bodysuit to “Poker Face.”
Sarah began Gaga’s makeup with a petwer cream shadow. She used Marc Jacobs Beauty Twinkle Pop Stick Eyeshadow in Au Revoir.
Next, she smudged a shimmery lavender pencil all around the eyes, Marc Jacobs Beauty Highliner Gel Crayon in Violet Femme.
Then, she swiped a plum shadow in the crease of the eye, and a light lavender shadow on top of the lids in the middle to give dimension. To top off the shadow portion, Sarah highlighted Gaga’s brown bone with a “frosty pale pink.” She used colors from the Marc Jacobs Beauty Style Eye-Con No. 7 Plush Shadow palette for this.
For the winged eyeliner, Sarah started with a black pencil and then put a liquid on top of it. (Genius.) She used Marc Jacobs Beauty Magic Marc’er Precision Pen Liquid Eyeliner in Blacquer. Hmm, sensing a theme here.
Lastly, Sarah added a shit fuck ton of mascara (love) and brightened up the eyes by putting Marc Jacobs Beauty Highliner Matte Gel Eye Crayon in Pink of Me on Gaga’s waterlines. In other words, you’re going to spend hundreds of dollars at the Marc Jacobs section of Sephora buying 65 slightly different shades of pink and purple just to get the eye makeup portion of Gaga’s look. Already questioning if this is worth it, but in the name of journalism we’re going to keep going.
To get the perfect red, Sarah put You-Already-Know-Who-Made-This Le Marc Lip Crème Lipstick in Dashing, a deep “candy apple red” on Gaga’s very talented mouth.
She then swiped a fuschia gloss over top. (Marc Jacobs Beauty Enamored Hi-Shine Lipgloss in Hot Hot Hot.)
Eye Mask Situation:
Marc by Marc Jacobs Self-Stick Eye Crystals. JK. It was just a decal made out of crystals, probably not made by Marc Jacobs but you never fucking know. As for how to replicate this, not entirely sure, but I suggest a trip to your local craft supply store and a dose of humility.
Jambo, betches. If you live in America/not under a rock, you’re well aware that today is the Super Bowl, aka a day where people across the country pretend to give a shit about football in the game of getting fucked up. Which is why we’ve created this super easy Super Bowl Drinking Game. Beware, this game is not going to get you slightly buzzed—you’ll probably need to call out of work tomorrow, so hopefully you have a few sick days left. Anyway, watch the video below to find out the rules.