If there are two things that betches love in this world, it’s being lazy AF and drinking wine. I mean, fucking duh. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do besides absolutely nothing with a glass of rosé in my hand. The only thing that rains on that parade is when I run out and I have to drive somewhere, get out of the damn car, and go get it. Boo, you whore. It’s a problem because, obviously I can’t have too much rosé before I try to drive and acquire more rosé. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice. Well now, there’s a way to make grabbing a fresh bottle a little less of a hassle and a risk to myself and everyone on the road: a rosé drive thru, located in the Hamptons because of course it is.
BRB, packing real quick.
I know what you’re thinking…is this legal? Like, is rosé all of a sudden an exception to the whole no-drinking-and-driving thing? And no, it’s not. It’s still very much illegal to pop a bottle of rosé while cruising through the Hamptons, so like, you’ll have to wait until you get back to your share house to open it. Bummer. The whole thing is being put on by Joey Wölffer of the Wölffer Estate Vineyard who says this has always been a dream of hers. Same tbh. The only issue is that you have to buy the wine by the case so it starts at like 200 bucks. I mean, Jesus. Who do you think I am? Ina fucking Garten? But at least then you have enough to last you a little while so you don’t have to leave the house for like, at least the weekend. And I’ll raise a glass of rosé to that.
Because we all need a good, solid education when it comes to alcohol, we’re bringing back “Know Your Wine.” Like, I still don’t fully understand why this wasn’t offered as a course in college, but my issues with the education system are a moot point. Anywho, the time is now to know the ins and outs of your wines, and we’re kicking it off with everyone’s fav summer sipper: rosé.
It’s true that rosé wasn’t always the much beloved betch standby it is today. You may be surprised to know that about 20 years ago it was considered tacky and only for those who didn’t know shit about Merlots and Malbecs. The nerve.
What Is It?
A very important note—rosé is NOT when a red wine and white wine love each other v much and spend a passion-filled night together (or, like, just get together for Netflix and chill and never get a call back). Rosé happens when red grapes are juuuuust a little crushed (like when a guy you totes know is a fuckboy ghosts you but like, it still kinda hurts) and left to hang out in their skins for a bit. Then the juice is strained and fermented into our fav pink drink. Depending how much time the wine maker has, the juice will sit for longer, resulting in a darker rosé; or shorter, resulting in a totally millennial pink color. Duly noted.
WTF Does It Taste Like?
IDK why I’m covering this because if you’ve never had rosé I want to know what life in a cave on Mars is like. Anyway, most rosés have flavor profiles somewhere between red and white wine (shocking). So, you’ll get cantaloupe, peach, and even mango with some, and berries and red fruits with others.
What Types Can I Get?
Like we said, the longer the grapes sit in their skins, the darker the rosé. So like a Malbec rosé would be dark compared to a Pinot Noir rosé which would be lighter. Really, it all depends on how long it’s been aged and the type of grape being used. So, light vs. dark makes it taste different, but one isn’t necessarily better than the other. Additionally, you’ll need to choose from the epic adventure of dry vs. sweet. If you’re at Wine Walmart (is that a place? It should be), and see rosés from Europe, they’re likely dry. Rosés from the U.S. (with California occasionally being an exception) can be sweeter. We say look for the rosés from Spain and France where they’ve been making wine for literally ever.
WTF Do I Drink It With?
Good news—rosé goes with fucking everything. If you’re truly looking for a something to sip while your boyfriend slaves over a hot grill making meat skewers (because protein), rosé is your new go-to. It complements smoked meat and fish super well and plays well in cocktails mixed with vodka and maybe, like, La Croix grapefruit. Yes, really. I’m drinking it right now. If you’re hosting a wine and cheese party, rosé pairs well with medium-bodied cheeses. The most important note is to serve rosé CHILLED—never room temperature.
How Can I Buy It?
Um, as with most wines, rosé comes in a bottle that you can find in any wine-selling establishment. For on-the-go rosé drinking, this shit comes in a can. Yes that’s right. You can bring it to the beach, I’m not going to say legally, but you can do it without breaking the “no glass allowed on the beach” rule. Our favorite canned rosé is Seven Daughters because it’s yummy, it’s pink, and the best part? The cans look kind of like energy drinks, making Seven Daughters canned rosé ideal for stealth drinking on-the-go.
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Know Your Wine. Now, get out there and chug a bottle (or can) for us.