Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, and I know this not because I’ve been keeping track of the days in any real way, but because my mother notified me about it in our family group chat, and quickly followed that sentiment up with a, “guess you’re coming home because there’s nothing else you can do.” It’s like she knows just where to hurt me. Usually Memorial Day Weekend is the symbolic start of summer, a time when people crowd any body of water that they can find, oil themselves with enough tanning lotion to grease a tarmac, and black out in honor of our troops. I believe that’s the freedom they fought for anyway.
This year is going to look a little different, though, thanks to the Hunger Games fan-fiction world we suddenly find ourselves living in. Quarantine has stolen so much from us these days: happy hours, vacations, a reason for me to wash my hair. But there’s one thing I won’t let quarantine take from me. Nay, I REFUSE to let quarantine take from me: my thirst traps. Memorial Day was always my fun excuse to start flooding my IG feed with light nudity and excessive cleavage shots, all in the name of “summer”! And even though this year the biggest body of water I’ll be near is the hose in my parents’ backyard, I still want to keep the thirst level high. So, here’s a look at all the ways you can make the most of your thirst trapping without the sun, sand, or any salty facial expressions from your mother.
Take It Out Of The Sun
The foundation for any summer thirst trap has always been laid with sunny settings. I might not be one to pose in lingerie on my bed (though more power to you if you do!), but I am the first girl to show off her bikini the second the temperature rises above 63 degrees outside. That said, we’re living in a new era now. Without vacations, day trips to the beach, pool days, or really any sunning activities that can’t be done from the crumbling roof of your apartment complex, we need to start getting creative here. And no one does creative sensual selfies better than the Dance Mom kids I follow on Instagram. Sure, they might not even be able to legally drink yet, but you know what? These girls are WISE beyond their years. When I was their age, my idea of a “tasteful” Instagram post involved a close-up of my chest so you could see my bedazzled sorority letter shirt better. Meanwhile, these girls are out here innocently posing with Cheerios and gazing longingly at the sun like a true VSCO girl. Take a note out of these girls’ books and get creative with your location! Pose in the kitchen! On the bathroom counter! Next to your brother’s protein shakes! The possibilities are really endless.
Props Are Important
If you’re finding yourself quarantined with your parents and are wondering how to subtly trick them into taking a picture of you spread eagle in front of your mother’s prized garden without any running commentary about how you’re ruining the family’s good name, then my solution for you is this: use a prop as a distraction. Preferably a human and/or canine prop.
The Kardashians are famous for this. They know that it’s harder for people to talk sh*t about them when they’re using their children as human shields. I mean, people will still talk sh*t because people are monsters, but it will be harder for them to do so. Tell your mom you want a casual photo cuddling the family dog or a candid with your least annoying nephew. If your back should be arched and the angle you’re standing at should also be the best angle to show off your butt and/or cleavage, then that’s all just coincidence, mom! It’s not your fault that you’re so photogenic and statuesque that a Russian bot just left a bunch of tongue out emojis on your IG post with little Jimmy! Geez.
Turn It Into A TikTok
I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, but why stop at a thirst trap when you can turn it into a full-on work of art? Usually, my stance on TikTok is that it’s a stain upon humanity and the reason culture is dying, but after three months in quarantine my brain has melted I’m willing to let the masses have this one nice thing. TikTok can be fun because it can either show that a person is hot AND has some sort of personality, or it can just show that a person is really hot. Really, it’s a win-win either way, but I’ll let you be the judge as to how Kylie and Stassie come off.
Take Advantage Of Your Assets
And no, I’m not talking about your boobs, you perv. It’s the 21st century, y’all, and we no longer need an actual person to take our picture! This is great news for those of us, like me, whose photographer options include her dog or her mother, who likes to take pictures so far zoomed in that you can see every single one of my pores. Tripods, selfie sticks, self timer, Photobooth—the possibilities are truly endless. If Kim K can use her assistant’s MacBook Pro to shoot a clothing campaign for her million-dollar shapewear line, then you can figure out take a tasteful cleavage selfie. No excuses.
And there you have it! All the thirst trapping tips to get your mom off your back and your ex sliding into your DMs. You can thank me in the comments. Ciao!
Images: Drew Dau / Unsplash; @kimkardashian, @kylietiktoks, @khloekardashian, @kalanihilliker /Instagram (1)
It’s officially summer in NYC and I know this not because I’ve been outside doing things in this beautiful weather but because I’ve been living vicariously through people and their rooftop Snapchats while I continue to binge watch Schitt’s Creek. That and I can legit smell the tanning oil from my windowless cell office. And with summer being in full swing, so too are the Instagram thots. It’s like every summer they find new and creative ways to test my limit for extraness sanity with their Instagram photos. Pool floats for summer? Groundbreaking. Slutty one piece? Girl, you are a fucking trendsetter. Just once I’d like to see some originality something that wasn’t pinned on their summer mood board first. Sighs. That being said, there are some summer trends that are better than others. As in, some that are v betchy and will earn you a coveted like from my Instagram account of less than 500 followers (coveted, I tell you) and some that will make me internally scream while scrolling through my feed.
Since July 4th is rapidly approaching I thought I’d take a moment to educate the masses on what trendy summer items you should not fucking bring to your Fourth of July Instagrams plans, lest you be shamed in my group chat later. *takes deep, calming breath* K, let’s get started shall we?
1. Pool Floats
If I see one more girl Bambi posing on a plastic donut in the world’s most beautiful pool (side note: where are you finding these pools?? I can barely find a tree in my neighborhood and you’re finding pools?) talking about how much she loves to eat donuts I will lose my goddamn mind. This is one trend that I cannot WAIT to see go. The feeling I get when I see this trend is how I felt when unicorn frappuccinos made their blasphemous debut on the coffee scene and I started suffering from rage blackouts wanted to report everyone on my newsfeed sporting one of those monstrosities to Instagram HQ for being personally offensive to me. Or, like, whenever Ariel Winter posts on her IG. Case in point:
Me:
It’s just like that. I’m assuming these girls think that by lounging on an inflatable slice of pizza it makes them look fun and quirky like they’ve eaten a slice of pizza. But the only girls I see posting these #DonutGiveAF Instas (clever) are people with two percent body fat. Like, let’s be honest here, Courtney (I’m assuming someone who lounges on a donut float has a name like Courtney). You have a membership to SoulCycle that you actually use and you haven’t so much as sniffed a carb since 2012. I’m not buying your bullshit, BYE. Suffice it to say, pool floats are done, they’re over. It’s time we get more creative with our poolside Instagrams, thx.
2. Boho Flash Tats
Boho flash tats aka a way for basic bitches to feel edgy because nothing says “I’m hard core” like a rose gold arrow pointing to your side boob.
Tbh I was into flash tats once upon a time but then I realized I don’t have daddy issues and it was time to retire them. Like, unless you’re at a bachelorette party wearing a shirt that lets everyone within a 20-foot vicinity know you’re single and alone a bridesmaid OR doing casual drugs at a music festival then it’s unacceptable to wear that shit in public. Seriously, if I see you wearing a gold tribal tattoo at a rooftop next Tuesday you’ll 100% end up as internet fodder. You know, assuming I’m not blackout. It’s 50/50 at this point so may the odds be ever in your favor.
3. Rosé
It hurts me to say this, but apparently rosé is done. It’s canceled. People went batshit with my favorite summer beverage and started buying it in six pack cans *shudders* and wearing it as a deodorant and now we have to put a stop to this shit. Lord, Jesus, why must you test me? I haven’t been this disappointed since Mikala and Cameron broke up on Are You The One? So basically I’m devastated. But like the jean skirt that I refused to throw away and that has been waiting in the wings sitting in my closet for the last eight years, I’ll be ready and waiting for its triumphant comeback. Just like the jean skirt. Which I am currently wearing.
4. Small Round Sunnies
If I catch you sporting small round sunnies at the beach this Fourth of July you are immediately moving to my shit list. And by shit list I mean the savage group Snapchat I’m a part of, duh. I mean, I’m sorry but are you Vanessa Hudgens a Disney star desperate for followers? Is “trendsetter” listed as your career on your resume? No? Then take that shit off. It’s not that this is a particularly heinous look or anything, but it’s just that while you might think you look like Selena Gomez in a FIRE music video you’re really sending off Elton John-in-his-prime vibes.
5. Retro High Waisted Bikini Bottoms
One pieces have officially replaced high waisted bikini bottoms as the summer swimsuit of choice and thank fucking god for that. Tbh I always thought those things just looked like giant diapers on people. I get that it’s supposed to cover your problem areas or whatever but you know what else covers up those insecurities? Alcohol. It’s a tried and true solution and idk why we stopped using it in the first place. So leave the high waisted swimsuit bottoms in your mother’s closet along with the mom jeans and ironic bowling shirts that all the hipsters are trying to make happen. Next.
6. Polaroid Cameras
You can blame Taylor Swift for ruining this one for us all, along with Tom Hiddleson and her Fourth of July bash (or as she calls it, #taymerica… #killme). Polaroid cameras used to make your shitty rooftop in your shitty apartment in Brooklyn look less like “a scene out of Divergent” (a direct quote from a friend of mine who lives a v mature life in the Upper West Side) and more like a cool, eclectic place to live. As if your salary could support you living literally anywhere else. *sips wine* But then Taylor Swift came on the scene and took a beautiful thing and cheapened it. Suddenly what made you cool and unique is now something 14-year-old girls use to document their trips to the mall. And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh it’s probably for the better because anytime I see a Polaroid I’m reminded of this:
Ugh. Now, if you need me I’m just going to be living my best summer life vicariously through Instagram. Kisses!
