We open this week’s Summer House with Danielle narrating, only to say that she’s taking the weekend off for “job hunting.” Damn Danielle, only five weekends in and you couldn’t take the heat? Also, let’s take a second to talk about everyone on this show’s “jobs” because we started talking about it in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap. Namely, how NOBODY ON THIS SHOW (except for maybe Stephen) has one! Carl got fired, Lauren is basically an assistant/receptionist at age 29, Lindsay and Kyle “run their own businesses,” and Danielle is also job hunting? I know the market is tough and all, but c’mon y’all. Was it worth it? I love Summer House, but was it worth it to sell your soul and your career prospects for a third-tier Bravo show?
I just remembered that last night I had a dream that Danielle and Carl started hooking up again, so I officially need a new job.
Anyway, we open at a “tech networking event” that looks like it’s held in one of the offices of a WeWork. Aka a fake networking event. That’s also for some reason held on the weekend? Also whoever called Carl out for his yellow teeth in the comments of last week’s Summer House recap would be happy to know that he got his teeth whitened.
Anyway, we open for real at a bar with Kyle and Amanda. Amanda is me on every date, being hungry af and not wanting to drink on an empty stomach. Kyle asks the bartender for the food menu and the bartender says the kitchen is closed. And that’s how you end up wasted and making out on a first date (see: Lindsay later this episode.) BUT THENNNNN Kyle says “this bar is like a reverse speakeasy.” DUN DUN DUNNNN. So they go towards the back and, what do you know, the kitchen is open!
I think I’ve been to this bar. It’s on like, 14th and 3rd Ave?
Amanda is like, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I never expected you to actually do something nice and thoughtful for me.”
Then Kyle gives Amanda a gift and it’s… a key to his apartment! We really are seeing a whole new Kyle.
Amanda: OMG Kyle!!! This is so sweet!!
Inner Amanda, probably: Ok but where’s my real Valentine’s Day gift?
Also I just noticed that if they film this show in the summer (hence the title Summer House), they literally just had Kyle and Amanda fake a Valentine’s Day date months in advance. I KNOW they said the word “Valentine’s” during this date. Ah, the magic of reality TV.
At the Summer House, Ashley shows up! I feel like she and Lauren look significantly less alike, maybe because they haven’t been spending every waking second together.
Lauren keeps telling Ashley that she and Carl are “friends” and she’s “just having fun.”
Sorry I know I always use that gif but there’s literally no other way to describe my feelings about this more accurately. Look, I don’t care what people do. I really don’t. I care if you lie about it. Don’t lie. Don’t act like the Cool Girl when you just smashed a cake in Carl’s face for conversing with another woman.
The fucking Wirkus parade strolls in, shrieking higher than the human ear can pick up. I’m writing this recap at 9am, and it is too damn early for this.
Ashley (I think, it’s a flurry of blonde in there) shows off her engagement ring, and the girls are like “Goals, Amanda, right? Goals.” Kyle looks like someone just murdered a puppy in front of him.
Carl walks in and says to Lauren, “You don’t need that much makeup.” Then, reading the room and the death glares he’s getting, goes “Uh I mean, you look fine. Wear however much makeup you want. Women should be paid as much as men.”
I will now transcribe Carl’s internal monologue while meeting Ashley:
I’m going to enjoy watching Carl sweat all episode. Holy shit, Stephen is going IN. He calls Carl a fake, a liar, says everything out of his mouth is bulshit… y’all, Stephen is DONE.
Lindsay is going to invite out her fitness trainer “friend” who incidentally is my coworker’s boyfriend’s best friend. BRB, gonna go make a cup of tea because I will be SPILLING it later.
Amit keeps being mad that Stephen keeps saying “it’s the girls and the gays” and Amit is like “I’m here tho.”
All of us: …. right exactly.
I can’t believe that Lindsay invited a trainer friend to crash a bachelorette party just because she wants to hook up with the trainer. Except I literally can because I know people who would do that.
Back at the house after a night at a bar where Carl cock blocks all the girls in one fell swoop, Carl gets on a table and starts dancing and says that he has three nuts. Everyone is like “WAIT REALLY?” Lol like, can’t you just ask Lauren? Stephen literally asks Siri if someone can have three testicles!!! Bye. I’m crying.
Carl and Lauren go into the hot tub and everyone else decides to spy on them from the deck. Lauren comes up like “Carl, who are you texting? Your girlfriend Courtney?” And then Carl flips out and gets in her face like “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” But then Lauren starts chasing Carl around the house. Then Ashley comes into the room with a watermelon (??) and smashes it on the ground in front of them and yells, “EAT IT BITCH!”
Eat it bitch. Three words that will live on in infamy.
Honestly, this is amazing. Clearly Lauren and Ashley are related when their first instinct is to smash food when they get angry.
Ashley says in her ITM, “This is exactly what I thought would happen. Lauren is left picking up the pieces, and where’s Carl?” Okay, don’t act like you did this on purpose as a fucking metaphor; you just got drunk and went ASHLEY SMASH!!!
I literally can’t even recap the conversation between Carl and Lauren because it’s so sad. Basically like Carl is like “Don’t make fun of me for talking to other girls” and Lauren is like “Guess what, Carl? Guess what? It hurts me when you talk to other girls.” And Carl is like “K.” Now I get why Ashley acted so psycho and controlling on last season’s Summer House—if my sister was out here on reality TV acting too desperate to function, I would also want to slap the shit out of her.
The next morning Stephen asks Ashley if she remembers smashing the watermelon, and she’s like “Look, I’m the sane one right now.” Are you??? At least we FINALLY get shots of Stephen shadily eating SkinnyPop.
The guys are going to an Aston Martin brunch. Kyle is wearing shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt. Amit is wearing an all-green suit. What is the attire of this event?
Back in the city, Danielle is on a very fake phone interview with Capital One. She’s trolling the internet while on this phone interview, which just seems like a poor choice.
At this party, Carl and Amit are shit talking Stephen. Hmph. I mean, to be fair, I don’t think Stephen likes Amit so I mean yeah I guess Amit has a right to feel some type of way.
Back at the house, the girls are drunk in the pool when Nick, the trainer, walks in. Watching Lindsay talk about him is very cringey. This workout is a bigger charade than Nick and Lindsay’s “relationship.” It’s like, “Ok everybody, do one push-up! Great job, now go drink some rosé.”
Lindsay is every delusional dater: “I think there’s something bigger there and it would be an absolute shame if this date didn’t go anywhere.” You haven’t even gone out yet! How can you say that?
Lindsay and Nick show up to this near-empty restaurant, and I for one respect how out Lindsay’s tits are on this date. Nick is 25, yikes. Lindsay, don’t do it. He literally said “age is just a number,” spoken by every creeper in existence. She gets up to go to the bathroom and like Spider-Man kisses Nick and I just cringed so hard I melted into my couch.
Stephen and Carl sit down for dinner, and it’s so awkward. Stephen is alluding to “something” that happened over the winter that’s been “growing like a tumor” inside him.
Stephen: Usually when a friend burns me, I can replace ya.
Stephen: This is like the Bates motel, there’s not much vacancy here. If I need to take you in the shower and clear that space, I will.
So like while I love murder analogies as much as the next girl, the whole thing about the Bates Motel was that they had a lot of vacancies because it was a creepy motel in a remote area where nobody wanted to stay.
Back at the summer house, Lindsay is laying on the bed wearing cat ears for some inexplicable reason? IDK. I feel like day drinking and then going on a date is a recipe for disaster. I also just saw Lindsay’s entire ass and possibly her vulva, which I did not need to see.
Nick sneaks out in the morning with his medicine ball and resistance band in one hand. That’s a vibe.
Amanda is talking about how Kyle is “all talk and no rock”… haven’t you guys been dating for a year at most? It is too soon. *says the girl who is perpetually single and only meets psychos*
Stephen and Ashley basically initiate a three-way call attack with Carl, only it’s in person. That seems like an odd strategy, bringing someone Carl hates to confront him about your friendship.
Actual footage of Carl walking in:
Stephen says some shit and Carl is like “I appreciate you saying that and I want to try to make it better.” Stephen is like “this is the speech I’ve heard” and Ashley is like, “Honestly, Carl?” Ashley, this isn’t about you! Keep your mouth shut!
Stephen brings up that Carl apparently said that the best head he ever got was from a guy. Honestly, I fail to see why that would end somebody’s friendship, but I guess we’ll have to wait until next week’s Summer House.
Welcome back, delinquents. We’re back at Summer House and my second consecutive hour of Bravo reality shows. My brain cells are atrophying as we speak.
Okay sorry, Amit is self-employed and he has a dog? Someone please comment with his phone number. Mostly here for the dog tbh. #herefortherightreasons
This is not at all essential to the recap, but here is Amit’s dog, for those of you who were wondering:
Amanda tries to ask Kyle if they would ever move in together and she’s like, “I just want to begin to talk about considering the possibility of us maybe thinking about moving in together.” Jesus, grow some balls and be direct.
Kyle basically says “I’m not going to move in, but I’m not NOT going to move in.” Amanda also has to pull teeth to get Kyle to even accept the idea of them hanging out on weeknights, so this relationship is going well. Really strong couple we have.
Danielle and Carl get lunch and she says “Carl isn’t the guy for me but I’d definitely make out with him again.” That is a dangerous fucking game to play, Dani.
Lindsay and Lauren get lunch and Lindsay is like, “Amit is definitely flirting with me” *cut to* Amit making fun of her mercilessly and saying that nobody in the house can hook u with each other. Is that what flirting is? If so, it explains why I’m single.
Apparently Lauren and Carl made out after the Pride Parade, because there’s nothing that encourages two straight people to hook up more than celebrating gay pride.
Danielle tries to explain to Carl how he and Lauren cannot be friends, asserting that, “women will always take it to a more emotional level.” Fuck outta here with that sexist nonsense. Where’s Lala when you need her? Get her up in here to explain pussy power to Danielle. The phenomenon of catching feelings is not unique to women!
Stephen rolls up to the Summer House with 67 Amazon boxes, further solidifying why I love him so much. What is he even ordering? I would like a full unboxing video, thanks Bravo.
The girls go on a bike riding wine tour and the guys are boxing at the house. *Makes mental note to do a wine bike tour in the summer* Once again, Stephen is me: sitting on a rainbow swan floatie and watching these two meatheads beat the shit out of each other. Stephen is all of us. WE. ARE. STEPHEN. (In my head I chanted that in a “WE ARE MARSHALL” type way. If you didn’t do the same, you need to get with the program.)
Stephen: Muhammad Ali said float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I say sit on a float and sip twisted tea.
Stephen McGee, the Shakespeare of our time.
At this picnic, Danielle is like “So how was pride?” and Lauren starts talking about how fucked up Carl acted and Danielle is like, “No no IDGAF about Carl being insensitive. I heard you had a makeout.” Like, bitch, you jealous? Why are you so concerned?
Tbh nothing interesting happens for a full 10 minutes until right after dinner they cut to Stephen motor boating Lauren’s boobs. He says it hurt. That’s because her implants are like rocks.
Honestly I’m glad everyone is ganging up on Danielle because she’s trying to be a little shit-stirrer but she’s really not subtle at all enough to be doing this. Homegirl needs to learn some finesse. Also, you can’t be the new girl coming into the house, blatantly trying to start drama, and then get upset when nobody likes you. Them’s the breaks, sweetheart.
Everyone goes to sleep, but Danielle orchestrates a booty call at 1:30am. I can’t even get one person to invite me out to the Hamptons; I’m jealous that all these girls have three Hamptons baes on deck. How about you share the love??
Everyone is food shopping for the party. Lindsay is gushing about Everett and Stephen’s in a corner of the grocery store, eating. You guys already know what I’m gonna say. Like, what would this show be without Stephen constantly judging from a corner? NOTHING. It would be nothing. But also, did you pay for that food, Stephen?
There’s really not that much to say about this party except that Kyle’s wig is back and I reallyy wish I was invited to this party. Lauren brought some random guy she found at a fucking baby shower, leading me to believe she takes her dating advice from Chazz Reinhold.
Carl: Lauren brought a date to the party which isn’t cool because it’s only okay when I do it.
JK he didn’t say that, but he said it with his eyes. He was like, “Yea it’s cool it’s totally cool why wouldn’t it be cool we’re both single it’s cool cool cool.”
Every girl at the party is throwing themselves at Amit and he is so unbothered. What pheromones does he use?? Asking for myself.
Danielle uses her amazing Puerto Rican deductive reasoning skills to reach the conclusion that Lauren is giving her the cold shoulder. Probably because everytime Lauren walks past Danielle, she doesn’t acknowledge her in any way.
Danielle: Coming from a Puerto Rican background it’s easy to tell when someone’s mad at you.
Is that a stereotype or is that just like, being observant? An honest question.
Danielle is pointing out how Lauren decides to talk to Carl at the party and is like “Hm, that’s weird.” Is it, though?? They live in the same house. Danielle is not letting Lauren breathe. Actual footage of me watching:
So over the course of this party it comes out that during the off-season Carl was fucking Lauren RAW and still had the audacity to claim they were “just friends.” I just want to know where Carl lives, because Lauren clearly lives in New York and he lives in fucking Fuckboy Fantasy Land. I’ll clarify for anyone at home who needs some further information on this: NO ONE fucks someone who’s just a friend. Especially without a condom. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. No one in their right mind is putting themselves at risk for pregnancy or STIs for someone they only deem “a friend”. At least one party has feelings. Okay, are we clear? Good.
Lindsay is trying to come onto Amit and is like, “What do you like about me?”
Amit: Umm, I like that… you have eyes. And…hair.
Then he runs away and leaves her alone on the bed, texting. How most of my hookups end, actually.
Lauren’s glaring angrily at Carl’s date and double fisting handles of Fireball. This isn’t going to end well. I’m hoping for a fight. She grabs the cake with purpose in her eyes… and I think I know what’s about to happen, and… I’m right. She kicks some random girl out of the way and CAKES CARL IN THE FACE AND THEN MAKES OUT WITH HIM.
^Incidentally, this is also how most of my hookups end.
Omg. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I think Lauren has gone full psycho. I’m also mad that she wasted a perfectly good cake. That’s all she wrote for this week.