It’s a sad, sad day for Summer House lovers—all 17 of us. Last night marked the finale of the show, and I for one hope it gets renewed for a second season. I might be the only one. But that’s okay. For now, let’s reminisce and get into this recap.
This narration by Kyle is a STRETCH. “Lauren and Carl met the first weekend and fell in love.” Kyle of all people should be well aware that fucking =/= being in love.
Kyle: For me the summer was all about figuring out if I’m ready for a relationship.
Inner Kyle: Which we all know the answer is no.
We open on Kyle and Amanda’s confrontation.
I just think it’s laughable that Kyle is only admitting to “kissing” other people. Like, Amanda, if you think he only kissed these girls you need professional help for this level of delusion. I buy that just about as much as I buy Nick and Vanessa’s relationship will last. Shameless plug to the Bachelor finale recap!
Kyle: I’m just being 100% honest with you because I don’t want to disrespect you.
Another way to not disrespect the woman you’re trying to date is by refraining from making out with randoms ON CAMERA. Pro tip!
Kyle is just trying to “figure himself out” just like every girl in your sorority who travels through Europe after graduation.
Kyle: *goes off for 10 minutes about how much of a fuckboy he’s been* but it all makes me realize… I want to be in a relationship with you.
Kyle’s been watching too many romantic comedies. This shit doesn’t work in the real world. It can’t, right?
And after 10 episodes, Amanda has finally found her dignity! She is like “I don’t need this” and walks off. YAS. GET IT. And by “it” I mean “respect.”
Ashley: I’m going home after this weekend so whatever happens this weekend, it’s done.
I’m still trying to make sense of that sentence. Tune in next season, when I may finally figure it out.
Lauren is saying how the clock is against her and Carl like they don’t both live in the same city. This is not summer camp, you guys can still hang out after this is over. You know that, right?
I feel like Kyle is only Cristina’s ally because he doesn’t give enough of a fuck about anything to get involved in drama that doens’t affect him personally, and not out of any sort of loyalty.
Everett sits Lindsey down and is like “the past few months have tested the fabric of our relationship” but your relationship only began a few months ago. So…?
Everett sat her down and had this scary talk to basically confirm that he still wants to move in with her? What was the point of that? Oh right, ratings.
Lindsey: What am I gonna do, move in and move out when we fight and then move back in?
THAT’S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T MOVE IN!!! Has nobody brought this up?
Where can I get one of those rosé cocktails in a mason jar? Jello shots out of a syringe = goals.
What is this random Walmart-brand Fifth Harmony?
LMAO this is so terrible. I’m all for team lip sync. Kyle, you’re wasted, so it’s understandable you can’t tell when people are mouthing over a back track. Just let the girls have this.
Why is Kyle taking it so personally that Cristina said those performers were lip syncing? Why was THAT the straw that broke the camel’s back? Did he personally hire this group or something?
Cristina: You just hurt two people who really care about you.
Kyle: I’m done with you and me.
Well I’m glad they weren’t both just overly dramatic. Congrats, you just ended a friendship over lip syncing. New high.
Carl: This summer has made Lauren and I better friends and better communicators.
Translation: I will never be this girl’s boyfriend.
Carl: I want to focus on tomorrow, not yesterday. We have so much fun together.
Please see the above translation and multiply that by five.
Stephen and Ashley looking on in disgust is me when I see any type of PDA.
Ashley is basically like “It’s the last weekend of this house so I’m just gonna stop wasting my energy trying to break this up.” Well, that’s one way to mind your own business.
I love that Cristina came in with the receipts of the definition of meddling. Like, sorry, #UnpopularOpinion time, but I don’t think exposing someone’s bullshit to the person they’re trying to hide it from is meddling. Don’t hate the player, hate yourself for doing something that warrants being exposed.
The night concludes in a much-needed white girl twerking break.
Ashley: Even though I’m married I can hang. I can totally hang.
Amanda isn’t feeling well and Kyle’s like, “You need food. You need nutrients. I can’t be all that.” I don’t have any real commentary other than that Kyle thinks he could be considered nutrients.
Carl cut and run in the middle of a conversation at the bar last night. That is kind of professional level fuckboyatry. Fuckboyatry, noun, the act of being a fuckboy, coming soon to Webster’s dictionary.
AND HE COMES BACK WITH A RANDOM GIRL! Wow, I am like not really shocked. More like impressed at this level of wizardry. I can’t even lie to my parents when they ask if I’m going on a date…how do you do that??
Behold, the smoking gun camera glare:
YAS of course King Stephen saw Carl sneak that girl out in the morning.
Stephen: I honestly can’t wait to see the fallout from all this. *eats from a giant bag of popcoorn*
I am cackling. Can Stephen just get his own spinoff show? STEPHEN’S HOUSE. I think I speak for all 17 fans when I say we’d totally watch it.
Kyle: Hey Carl, thanks for being douche level times 1,000 so I look like a good guy in comparison.
I mean, Kyle is not wrong… and this is why I don’t date. Okay, Dad??
Cristina’s pulling an Angelina and leaving the
Jersey Shore Summer House early. Everyone’s just sitting there quietly sipping their drinks while Cristina talks about how nobody likes her. Womp.
I’m so glad that Cristina grabbing the giant bottle of rosé and leaving was not pre-planned at all. Still, I appreciated that obviously scripted moment.
Everyone’s just like “meh, wanna go get lunch?”
I actually respect Ashley’s ability to not say “I told you so” to Lauren. Because I thought she’d be all over that.
Carl is hungover and feels like shit and calls a doctor. If that ain’t karma I don’t know what is. But honestly, if you have to get an IV to deal with a hangover you’re the biggest pussy on the planet. But also like, can I get one?
Oh wow we’re really gonna bring Lindsey’s mom into this. Wow, Bravo. That’s fucked up. What won’t you do for ratings?
Well that was obviously extremely underwhelming for Lindsey, which is typically what happens when you call an estranged family member out of the blue after not talking to them for eight years.
Stephen: I’m excited to endure the torture of dating in New York City.
^New Tinder bio.
This confrontation between Lauren and Carl is like, pretty anticlimactic. Lauren is just done.
GO LAUREN. REJECTING CARL. It only took 10 episodes for her to grow a spine but
at least she’s not Amanda better late than never. Feminism seems to be the theme of this episode. I am living for it.
Ok Lauren, you had your moment of pride. You don’t need to sit here and psychoanalyze Carl and tell him he’s self-sabotaging. Just take the high road, take your W, and go.
Their last dinner. Their last hurrah. I may or may not be tearing up a little as I watch this.
I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.
Lindsey: Carl and Lauren have a connection. When Carl flirts with me I just melt a little.
….huh?? When was this about you?
*Resisting the urge to Urban Dictionary “hot Carl”*
Kyle gives Amanda flowers … uhhh that’s kind of sweet I guess.
The night ends how I thought it would: with a gratuitous skinny dipping scene.
In the morning Amanda is like to Kyle, “I just don’t want you to think everyone’s back to normal.” Kyle’s face is like, “Bitch, you ain’t see the flowers I bought you?”
Ughhhhh after all that shit Amanda wants to be with Kyle. Other people’s happiness only makes me more despondent. Hi, I’m Sgt. Olivia Betchson and I’m dead inside.
Alright I don’t need to recap this 10-minute goodbye scene. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. To the fans: It’s been real writing these recaps; I can only hope they’ll do another season so I get to do it all again. To all the cast members who read my recaps: thanks for the love and I promise I will turn all of you into a meme at some point. To the ones who didn’t: Who do you think you are? This show is nothing without my recaps. I like, invented you.
Until next summer. HAGS.