We’re in full summer mode rn which means that every girl with an Instagram is trying to out-slut be beachier than their friend with more followers. Unless you’re me and the thought of leaving your house to venture through a 90 degree wasteland Brooklyn and brave the J train for a beach that every human in New York is trying to get to too literally makes you want to jump into oncoming traffic. Then you’re just going to have to fake it. Like I do with most everything in my life. And the best way to fake living your best beach life is to perfect the beachy wave hair trend. Groundbreaking, I know.
And if you’re sitting there thinking “this is stupid, the beach is so fun. Just go outside and let the saltwater do it’s thing” then clearly you don’t understand what happens to me when I encounter Mother Nature.
Yeah. Shit’s not pretty, is it? So let’s move on from the idea of actually going outside and doing things. Unless there’s alcohol involved, then I’m on board. The good thing about beachy waves is that it takes minimal effort to complete the look. Like, less effort than the “u up” text your boyfriend Tinder hook-up/temporary lapse in judgment sent you last night. So you know I’m in. Anyways, here’s everything you need to know to get perfect beach waves without ever going outside. Let’s get started, shall we?
Materials
The other good thing about beachy waves is that you probs already have all the materials you need to accomplish this look, which is good because my lazy ass would have just disregarded the steps that included the products I didn’t have. I should add “problem solving” to my resume. So here’s what you need: sectioning clips (or a hair tie if you’re desperate), a lightweight mousse like OUAI Soft Mousse, a curling iron and/or wand, and a texturizing spray like Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast.
Step 1
Apply a lightweight mousse to your wet hair and then let air dry. While you’re air-drying drink a glass of wine, watch a movie, call your boyfriend 20 times until he picks up and when he doesn’t start a new relationship on Bumble. Relax.
Step 2
This is where those section clips and/or the hair tie you found on the floor comes in. There’s conflicting information about how exactly to section off your hair, some say to do it in thirds while others say to “section hair horizontally from the bottom to the top of your head” but tbh this all sounds like more work than I’m willing to put into this. I’m just gonna go with what feels right. Should be interesting.
Step 3
Now it’s time to curl your hair. If you’re like me and your hair doesn’t do shit is straight or fine, use a .75-inch barrel to curl your hair. For curly hair use a 1.25-inch barrel and if you haven’t understood your hair type since middle school then use a one-inch barrel just to be safe. Now, twist your hair around the barrel. Make sure to leave the ends of your hair out for a more lived-in, I-am-so-fucking-nauti wave. Repeat this process but alternate curling the sections in different directions to create a messier texture. The front of your head is where you’re probs gonna fuck up the most. The key here is to curl your strands away from your face so as to highlight your best asset aka your face. I know it sounds like literal anarchy but your hair will actually look v v good by the end of all this.
Step 4
The last step is to add in some extra texture so it looks less like you spent the day at home on your couch curling your hair and watching old episodes of The Office and more like you were out in the world actually living your life. Ew. Spray your roots and strands with a texturizing or volumizing spray and then finger comb through your hair to tousle the waves.
Congratulations, you now look like an off-brand Blake Lively—and all without leaving the confines of your home. It’s really the little things.
If there’s anything a betch honestly gives a shit about (other than how many likes her selfie got), it’s definitely her hair. Even though you probably rely on horoscopes to help you make life changing decisions, chances are your goldilocks won’t ever go near a pair of scissors. Rain or shine, depending on the persona you want to take on for the day, you still fry straighten the fuck out of it. If you’re like me, you know walking in the rain without hair coverage is like, a sin. If you forget your umbrella, you take the jacket off your fucking back to cover it. Yes, sometimes you need to sacrifice getting hypothermia if it means your hair still looks good.
In the summer, you want to be able to show it off when the top of your BMW is down or when you’re laying out by the pool. But, just like we often forget to like, prevent ourselves from getting skin cancer, we also forget that the hair we invest hundreds of dollars in needs some TLC too. Here’s how to protect your newly done balayage and prevent your hair from looking like straw for the next 3 months.
1. Nourish With Hair Oil
Your first takeaway: Put that obnoxious sun hat you only bought for poolside pics to good use and avoid parting your hair. This prevents godawful scalp sunburn and drying your hair out. Make sure to get a hair oil like Reverie Ever Recovery Hair Oil to rub on the ends of your hair. It prevents fugly split ends, protects your hair color, and adds shine.
2. Apply Serum
^ Same.
If you find that this is a recurring issue for you, I promise there’s a cure. For fried hair—not people sitting on you. Sorry, that comes with public transportation.
Use Vernon Francois Lightweight Styling Serum before, during, and after being on the beach all day. It will maintain your hair’s natural texture and protect from heat damage so you won’t look like you got electrocuted. After a shower, instead of towel-drying your hair like a psycho, opt for a towel, like Aquis Lissa Luxe Hair Towel, with fabric that doesn’t create friction.
3. Use Hair Creams With UV Filters
Find a cream with a formula like Sachajuan Hair In The Sun that protects your hair with a UV filter. This will lock in your recent highlights and keep them from turning like, white when the original color was probably caramel. If you plan on styling your hair, you can use this as a hydrating styling cream too. It’s a 2-In-1 aka win-win.
4. Wash With A Hydrating Shampoo
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by chlorine. That shit makes your scalp itch, has your hair feeling like dry spaghetti, and turns it green. Like, I didn’t ask for this. How fucking rude. If you must swim in a piss pool, use a shampoo like IGK Hot Girls Hydrating Shampoo. It serves as a heat and pollution protectant and deep conditions so it brings some life back into your limp hair.
5. Add Leave-In Conditioner, Then Add Some More
Use leave-in conditioner religiously over these next few months. A styler such as Phyto Phytokératine Extrême Exceptional Cream is a keratin that basically is like, the holy grail for your hair. You can add this throughout the day and before applying heat to ensure shine, moisture, and strength for major #HairGoals.
6. Detangle. Everything.
Swimming tangles your hair so much that you may contemplate on chopping it off entirely. When you’re finished being rightfully dramatic, use Bed Head Beach Freak Moisturizing Detangler Spray throughout your hair so your brush doesn’t break in half when you try to get the knots out. For extra protection, get a detangling wet brush with gentle bristles to smoothly glide through your wet hair.
In addition to roasting under the sun, creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.
Summer is just around the corner and suddenly I’m feeling personally victimized because I’ve spent the last 3-4 months sitting on my couch eating cheese and drinking wine and judging Bachelor contestants on Instagram. And I am certainly not ready to be, like, social or in clothing that covers less than 90% of my body. But I guess I’ll have to make the transition to my summer self at some point and instead of, say, tackling the areas of my life that might actually take work and commitment like eating healthy and going to the gym, I’m going to actively avoid those parts and focus on an issue that money can solve. Like a new haircut. I’ll most def be consulting my very trusted hair stylist, Susi, who may or may not give me an extra complimentary glass of chardonnay in exchange for a very overpriced haircut and 3-4 expensive AF beauty products that I did not need in the first place. What we have, you can’t fake that, ya know? *laughs into empty wine glass* I recognize that we don’t all have a Susi in our lives to con trick exploit guide us on our summer hairstyle journey, but that’s why I’ve put together this super extensive and not at judgmental list of summer haircuts that are the best for your face type:
HEART SHAPED: Shoulder Length Bob
Picture Aria’s haircut from PLL season seven or whatever fucking season is still somehow getting air time. I know, I know. Never did I ever think a haircut on Aria fucking Montgomery would actually be in season for summer, but then again I also didn’t think people were stupid enough to spend 12K on a music festival that didn’t actually exist. You learn something new every day.
But back to the haircut. Instead of assaulting my eyes with like, glittery graphic tees and metallic jeans, Aria’s actually on trend. *questions entire existence* This cut looks good AF on Lucy Hale’s heart shaped face and you should ask your stylist for a shoulder-grazing bob with layers placed around the bottom. Lower layers help create extra movement and dimension in your hair without you having to do a damn thing. Style it with a center part to add length to your face and create more symmetry.
HAIRCUT RISK LEVEL: Lower than all of the Liar’s IQ’s put together
ROUND SHAPED: Face Framing Bangs
I know what you’re thinking, BANGS? Does everyone regret getting them? Yes. But should people with round faces still get them? Also yes. Baby faces of the world, pay attention because this is your time to shine. Face framing bangs are the perfect way to take your summer look from Wizards of Waverly Place to Justin Bieber Sends Me Dick Pics and that’s really the best transformation you can ask for. The fringe is the focal point of this cut and it’s v important that the stylist cuts your bangs to that focal point. Be sure to reiterate this to your stylist lest she feels the wrath of your Yelp review. And sorry if you end up hating your bangs. Feel free to skewer me in the comments.
HAIRCUT RISK LEVEL: Posting a selfie with the dog filter to your story
OVAL SHAPED: The Pixie
This cut can seem terrifying, especially if you have super long hair to begin. I bet it’s because you have this theory that if you cut off all your hair you’d look like a British man BUT if you have a very petite, oval face shape then you were literally made for this haircut, so grow a pair and take the plunge. Plus you’ll look like Millie Bobby Brown aka the betchiest preteen to ever grace my Netflix account (and a personal style icon of mine because, yes, I take style advice from 12-year-olds). Ask your stylist for a short, layered cut with a longer top that stops just below the cheekbone and tapers in the back toward the nape. That way your hair won’t overpower your face and you’ll just look sleek AF.
HAIRCUT RISK LEVEL: Day drinking on an empty stomach and literally hoping for the best
DIAMOND SHAPED: Angled Lob
You’ve got cheekbones and, as a person whose winter face resembles that of the Pillsbury doughboy, you should absolutely stop fucking around and get this haircut. Take a page out of Kim Kardashian’s book for a dramatic, edgy summer look. Make sure your stylist emphasizes the clean angles of your face to really play up your features.
HAIRCUT RISK LEVEL: Posting the group vacation photo on Instagram when everyone else looks like shit in it
SQUARE SHAPED: The Perm
UGH I did not want to have to put this one on the list but apparently perms are back in style because people have lost their goddamn minds. And by people I mean me because I’m seriously considering this cut for summer 2017. You know something’s in when your overpriced salon with 100k Insta followers is posting about it. If you have naturally curly hair then you should ask your stylist for a lot of short, vertical layers in the hair, which gives your curls a more bouncy/full shape.
If you don’t have naturally curly hair then be sure to ask your stylist to use a larger rod when perming your hair. It’s less overpowering on your face, but still gives you enough volume to resemble the less hot cousin of a lesser known Victoria’s Secret model. Now, no one spread this shit around lest my mother find out. I’ve already been tagged in two very smug Facebook posts and I’ve reached my quota for told ya so’s this week.
HAIRCUT RISK LEVEL: Having to tell your mother “You were right”
IDFK SHAPED: The Buzz
I had to address this one because this cut is all the rage among Hollywood’s biggest cries for help stars. Technically, the right face shape for this cut is a diamond shape but I’m also thinking “lost your damn mind” or “my acting career is clearly struggling” are more accurate face types for this hair trend. I know this year has been, like, hard with our dwindling rights and Donald J. Cheeto casually leading us into WWIII but that’s no reason to regress back to Britney Spears circa 2007. Handle your shit like an adult by taking slow, calming breaths and also consuming alcohol. N’amastay.
