It was the start of the summer. You were still recovering from your Memorial Weekend Hangover. You were still planning your basic but cute red, white, and blue Jell-O shots for the Fourth. One night, you got trashed fell in love started a cute little summer fling. Summer’s the perfect time for a casual “thing” (because only old people actually, like, define relationships). Between the dinners and the occasional accidental sleepover, you sort of developed feelings (ew) for the guy. Now Labor Day weekend is over, the leaves are turning brown (in a proverbial sense, of course, since it’s still about a billion degrees outside), and everyone’s returning to school to study hard tailgate. Basically, it’s time for your summer fling to end. If you were lame and developed feelings for a boy you “hung out with a bit” this summer, here’s how to get over your summer fling in five easy steps.
Step 1: Evaluate Interest
It wasn’t supposed to be serious. You were just there for the free drinks a good time. But now maybe you’re secretly hopeful that he wants your “casual fling” to actually be a serious relationship. This is highly unlikely, but if you’re delusional optimistic, then here’s the test. It’s realllllly complicated. If he’s made zero attempts to contact you recently, then he’s either
a) incredibly insecure so EW dump him
b) HE’S NOT INTO YOU.
His phone was not run over by a taxi, rendering him incapable of contacting you. Unless he’s in a freaking coma (which, NO, you should not verify by calling up every local hospital), if he’s not contacting you, he’s NOT interested. And texting you at 1am does NOT count. Duh. I didn’t need to get into Stanford to tell you that.
Step 2: Stop Emotional Masturbation
Betches (hi) wrote a super helpful book about relationships, and if you haven’t read it, you should (also you should pre-order our next book, duh). But anyway, we talk about this idea of “emotional masturbation.” This is where you get totally stuck on a guy because you keep imagining your honeymoon in Bora Bora. In reality, this f*ckboy wants to avoid you so badly that he’ll climb out of a window. (That’s, um, never happened to me personally, of course.) Engaging in happily-ever-after fantasies is totally counterproductive, not to mention pathetic, because it prevents you from finding a guy actually worthy of your love. Or from just happily existing on your own because you have trust issues.
So, don’t entertain yourself while you’re on the treadmill by imagining how cute your children will look in their little plaid tunics when you send them to Nightingale for kindergarten. Don’t draw angsty portraits of him over and over again as you cry over his newest Instagram. Definitely, don’t write creepy stories for your creative writing class that ends with the narrator marrying him. We all know it’s you.
Not only because you’ll never get over him, but also because that’s pathetic. You’ll get a reputation for being psycho. (You can also get this reputation by blacking out and confessing to all his friends about how you’re still in love with him and, like, totally don’t get why he ghosted you! And by lying on the beer-stained floor at a frat party and sobbing to a guy that you barely know that you “just don’t get why you’re still a virgin.” And then throwing up on him. Yeah, don’t be such a f*cking lightweight, Becky.)
Step 3: Reflect On All His Flaws
Maybe he had a bit of a dad bod (ew, join a gym). Maybe he was a condescending closet Trump supporter. Maybe he was a judgmental hypocrite that placed you on a golden pedestal that you didn’t want to even f*cking be on. Maybe he still seems perfect, but honestly, if he’s not into you, clearly he was dropped on his head as a child.
Step 4: Be Chill
When you see your ex-boy-thing in public, act totally normal around him. Be vaguely friendly, but also disinterested. Definitely don’t get so distracted driving that when you spot him crossing the street on his way home from practice you forget to check the intersection and almost run over 10 people while screaming hysterically. All while your previous fling is watching you with utter horror, wondering why he ever liked a girl so crazy.
Step 5: Hook Up With A Hot Guy
If you’re back at college now, there’s plethora frat parties and tailgates where you can get stupid drunk and fall into bed with him (or, like, hook up with him in an alleyway next to a bar because you’re totally blacked classy). If you’re not in college and don’t have access to a legion of hot athletes, then download Hinge or something and find a hot f*ckboy to forget your previous fling so now you can obsess over this new dude and why he’s ignoring you instead.
If none of this above advice on how to get over your summer fling works, I recommend downloading Spotify’s “Life Sucks” playlist, buying some Halo Top ice cream, listening to an episode of “U Up?”, and watching romcoms on repeat. There’s really nothing that Clueless can’t fix.
Images: Duri from Mocup / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
I’m just gonna be straight up with you. We’re in the middle of a fucking inferno, my boob sweat could potentially flood a small country, and I’m writing this in between my nightly routine of Netflix and actually trying to chill, so let’s just cut the shit. I know you’re fully aware of the qualities of a fuckboy – hell, you’re probably creeping on the hoe in his Snapchat story as we speak. So honestly, I’ve got better things to do than waste my precious time explaining to you what you should already know.
I will say that we’re officially halfway through summer, so if you haven’t yet been ghosted by some fratty fuck in Chubbies, or you’ve been hit up like 12 times for discounted fat-shaving supplements, then tbh, what have you been doing? On second thought, teach me your ways. But since I have nothing better to do than wait for some worthless POS to view my cleave shot on my Snap story while catching up on GoT, I’m about to take a wild guess go in depth as to how your choice of summer fuckboy speaks volumes about who you are, which really just shows how much of a garbage human I am. Whatever.
The One Who Claims He Has a Boat
So you care way too much about what people think of you. But like, same same. Your social media presence is blasted in everyone’s face, sort of like this guys’ outdated fashion suicide of Sperry’s and pastel button downs. You probably put as much effort into your all-white Instagram aesthetic as you did into trying to get him to “maybe take you on his yacht” someday. You have an affinity for pink martinis with a flower on the rim, but solely for use on social media. You may pretend to live on a strcit diet of sushi and coconut La Croix around him, but in reality, there’s still Taco Bell wrappers at your bedside from last night’s “accidental” drunk food order.
The Foreign Fuckboy
Sure, whatever, your trip to Yacht Week in Croatia was unforgettable, but only because you outdid the number of Instagram posts that are socially acceptable for like, idk a year. #Unfollow. You met some slimy Italian dude while on vacation whose thighs were more tan than yours, which is disgusting. You were obvi looking for one thing and one thing only: a foreign fuck. You were somehow mind-fucked (or actually fucked) into thinking that this guy will still be around next vacay, and your friends are dreading your return home because you already started a countdown on Twitter for the number of days you’ll see him again. Newsflash: Summer flings were only cool in Mary Kate & Ashley movies. Read a fucking book.
The Wannabe Wolf of Wallstreet
Let me guess: You adore that while everyone else was downing Kamikaze shots, this guy was decked out in a business suit (ugh fine). You tend to go for the older men as seen from your latest subtweet that read, “literally just can’t stand immature idiots anymore.” You adore his ambition and the fact that he hashtags shit like #OnThatGrind and #DoItForTheHustle, but you mostly adore his wallet. Since meeting this guy, your Pinterest game has gone from hipster Urban Outfitter room décor to an entire board dedicated to Kris Jenner’s living room. He may unofficially officially constitute as a sugar daddy, but like, if he’s picking up the tab, count me in.
The Self-Described Personal Trainer
Quick Q: Are you bored? Do you, like, hate your life? Yeah, sure, this guy is hot and in shape and can possibly get you a 3-day trial pass to Equinox, but now you’re punishing us (your true friends) for like, wanting to maintain your summer body or whatever. It’s like you find pure joy in trying to make us all feel bad when you showed up to brunch last weekend only to opt out of the “bottomless” option. Like, huh? And to top it all off, you’ve now become the type of betch who literally won’t shut the fuck up about your new free personal trainer and how you crushed your latest workout. Honestly though, I’ll let this slide because once you realize you literally have nothing in common and that he just gave you the ‘eye’ for eating three fries, I’ll be ready with a bloody in hand.
The One You Hooked Up With in College
Look, betches aren’t perfect (but we’re pretty fucking close). But if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s lowering our standards for a good cause. Like dick. Ok, so I low-key just described myself because, for some reason, I live for recycling hookups, but there must be someone else out there as into used goods as I am, right? Basically, here’s the deal. I’m a fucking good time, but mostly I just have chronic FOMO, and I can’t help it. The idiot from college is still impressed because I’m a successful (?) journalist, only gained like 12 lbs post-college, and I’m always down to schedule a blackout at approx. 10 p.m. In turn, he is forced offers to pay for my drinks, I get drunk and horny, and it’s a win for all, especially me, because that minor lapse in judgment didn’t cost me an increase in my number or a decrease in my (barely-there) dignity. I love me.
The One Who Surfs, Brah
This guy is like, the gateway into the fuckboy kingdom. Thankfully you don’t have to worry him eyeing other girls, but that’s only because his brain is full of contaminated salt water and his boy band blonde-tourage doesn’t leave his side until the tide comes in. It takes a special type of girl to tolerate this guy – you know, like a girl who also doesn’t care (is that even a thing?). This betch’s Instagram is full of photography and she judges every girl for wearing makeup to the beach (fucking sue me). But she’s also like naturally tan and has a good body without even trying, so I can’t hate her that much.
The Wearing a RompHim As A “Joke”
This guy is always the life of the party, so, I mean, this betch did something right. On the other hand, this guy still thinks that wearing pastel RompHims are like, fucking hilarious, and for some reason I’ll never understand, she eats that shit up. They generally manage to give everyone at the party a raging migraine, partially because of their incessant need to be the center of attention, but also because of that pastel ensemble mixed with last season Birkenstocks… and I’m not talking about her. The type of betch who lives for this annoying af dude is also on a constant blackout state from Friday to Sunday, but like same. Wait, am I talking about me again?
READ: The 9 Types Of Fuckboys You’ll Unfortunately Have Sex With Before You Die
Summer is for one thing and one thing only: getting skinny and finding love. Okay, so that’s two things. Also, getting tan. That’s three things. Okay, so summer is about those three things and nothing else. While getting skinny and tan is up to you (don’t eat, stand in the sun), your love life is determined by one factor that is totally beyond your control (which is why it’s totally not your fault when you’re being psycho): the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth. So will you play the field this summer, or fall in legitimate love? It all depends on Venus. Please direct all of your anger her way when the guy you just told your BFF you were in love with ghosts you and moves to Canada. I’m just the messenger.
Aries
Lucky for you, Aries, Venus is in your true love house from June 5 to October 8th, meaning that your summer hookup may actually turn into like, a real thing. Get ready for a playful, passionate, and highly romantic summer, but beware: trust issues abound. Resist the urge to steal his phone and screenshot every questionable text, because on August 8th, BSCB Mars will be all up in your shit trying to stir drama, but don’t fucking let him. Or do. Sometimes drama is fun. That’s your call. Also, don’t be alarmed if you find yourself randomly attracted to hipsters this summer. You want a beard and a band. Don’t think about it. Just let it happen. August 14th’s new moon will bring you big news, like maybe hipster bae has decided to leave his organic dog treat startup for a real job. Embrace it.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces
Taurus
This summer is all about your two favorite things: getting cozy and being chill AF. If you’re already in a relationship, June is the perfect time for you two to settle in and binge all those shows in your joint Netflix queue. This is also a good time to present bae to your parents, maybe by bringing him along on a family trip. If you’re not in a relationship, you’re going to find yourself heavily attracted to boy-or girl-next-door types. You know, the kind of guy who looks like he’ll remember your birthday without you even having to drop hints. In July, you could even do the unthinkable and fall in love with someone whom you’ve previously friendzoned, so be open to that possibility. You’re going to have a lot of romantic luck between June 6 and July 4th, so you’re basically guaranteed a drunk makeout sesh at whatever 4th of July party you attend. Dress accordingly.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, Scorpio
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Leo, Aquarius, Aries
Gemini
Trust no fuckboy. Gemini, this summer you have absolutely 0 tolerance for bullshit, which will actually lead to a lessening of relationship drama. You’re over it, and you have to actually give a fuck for drama to occur, so lucky you. You’ll be in a particularly flirty mood during your birthday month (May 21- June 21) so embrace it. Mars will be in your sign trying to kill your vibe until June 24th, so maybe stick with low-key Tinder matches rather than people you actually care about until Mars has a chance to GTFO. Venus goes into retrograde in your sign in August, which will make you vulnerable to misunderstandings, but never fear because you’ll be coming out of a romantic high that’ll last between July 5th and July 31st. Use the strong foundation you built during this lucky time to help guide you through your sudden urge to ready wayyy too deeply into his text response time in August. When he says he didn’t answer because he was in the shower, believe him.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Libra, Aquarius, Aries, Sagittarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Virgo, Pisces, Taurus
Cancer
Good news, Cancer! This summer is the perfect time to finally get over your ex. The stars have literally aligned, and Crazy-Ass Mars will be in your house from June 24-August 8, making you desirable AF. Don’t waste that shit on trying to get back together with someone from your past; focus on bringing new dick into your life (or vagina—honestly, try anything!). Keep a look out for two full moons on July 1st and 31st, which could bring a new bae right to your doorstep, but be careful. Hard-Ass Saturn (the narc of the zodiac) is chilling in your house from June 14-September 17th, which make make you prone to getting overly serious. On the bright side, Saturn’s presence makes you more open to meeting someone through work. Just hold off on declaring that shit to HR until August, when your luck will be through the roof and there’s actually a chance your boss will be cool with it.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Libra, Aries, Gemini
Leo
Venus spends the entire summer in Leo, so basically get ready for more booty calls than you know what to do with. Brush up on some of our sex and blowjob-giving tips, because you’re going to need them. If you’re not already in a relationship by your birthday month (July 22-August 23), this is not the time to get tied down. On July 31st, one of your many summer flings may attempt to DTR, but think hard before you commit. You’ll probably want to be single at least through the end of August, when The One Who Got Away will make a surprise reappearance in your life.
This no-commitment rule goes for other aspects of your life too. You’re going to be on fire this summer and you’ll want your evenings free to accept all the many dates that are going to be thrown your way, so maybe don’t sign up for a five week GRE study group. Save that shit for cuffing season.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Scorpio, Taurus, Cancer
Virgo
Hate to break it to you, but this is not your year for love. You can thank Jupiter in your second house for that. On the bright side, your financial forecast is through the roof, so maybe be your own bae this summer? You can buy yourself flowers and chocolate, TBH. When summer romance does go your way, don’t put pressure on yourself to DTR. A casual summer fling could become a legit relationship by October if you maintain your chill, and who wants to be in a relationship before October anyway? That being said, June 24th-August 8th you’ll find more romantic luck meeting new people, so that would be a good time to re-download that dating app of your choice and start swiping away. Venus is in your house for just one week this summer July 18-July 25th, and could bring rapid passionate developments, making this the perfect time for you to message first. Or use the sudden increase in your checking account to buy a giant platinum vibrator and chill until fall. Your call.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Sagittarius, Gemini, Leo
Libra
You’re liable to catch feelings this summer, so be on the lookout for someone who is worthy of said feelings. Venus did a number on your self-esteem by going retrograde from March 4 to April 15th, but that shit is over now so time to buck up and get back out there. Definitely do not let a slow winter lead to lowered standards. Repeat after me, “If he’s over the age of 30 and does not have a bed frame, it’s a no from me.” If you’re in a relationship and it has been on the outs lately, blame Venus and start again. A simple “I’m sorry for what I said when Venus was in retrograde” will suffice. Also, maybe give your SO a heads up that Jupiter will be entering your house on August 11th, and you’re gonna want some alone time. It’s nothing personal. The Heavens just want you to do a face mask and spend the day re-watching The O.C. and ignoring texts. It’s not personal. A full moon on August 29th will finally bring you the romantic stability you’re looking for, just in time for cuffing season.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Aquarius, Gemini, Leo
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Capricorn, Cancer, Virgo
Scorpio
Thanks to hard-ass Saturn, you’re focused more on your career than love right now, meaning you’re way more likely to click with someone you see on the reg than some rando at the bar. Maybe it’s time to finally ask that cute barista what his deal is? But know this: You have absolutely no room for someone who doesn’t have your back. Shit is going too well for you to have to deal with any negativity. Try meeting someone at a work function or a high-end bar that only people with their shit together can afford. That’ll weed out the losers. If all the prospects in your area are fuckboys, July is the perfect time to search for love (or lust) elsewhere. Book those AirBnB dates now and there could be a hot cabana boy in your future. If you’re already in a relationship, clingy Saturn is going to make you want to plan the next 5 years of your life together. Do what you want, but maybe keep your notebook full of baby names to yourself until August 29, when a full moon will put you at a romantic peak and make him way more open to talking flower arrangements for your future wedding.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Pisces, Cancer, Virgo
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Aquarius, Leo, Libra
Sagittarius
TBH, you’re more focused on your exploding friend group than your romantic life right now, so if you’re single, stay there. But beware of the men in your squad—you may end up falling for one due to your new friend-focused lifestyle. We told you guy friends don’t exist. Whoever you choose, do not stand for someone who gets all jealous and needy every time you have a girls night. There will be a lot of them, and you don’t need the drama. Keep an eye out for whoever you meet on June 6th, when a new moon could kick off your summer love affair. If you’ve already got a fling going, May-June is a good time to clear shit up and potentially DTR. With Venus in your house of travel, try looking for love on vacation. It’ll be perf because you’ll know the relationship comes with an end date and can just enjoy yourselves. If you end up in a relationship that lasts through August, beware. Venus goes into retrograde that month and may result in you pushing someone away for no reason. Just take a deep breath and remember that just because a guy doesn’t like your selfie within two minutes of posting, it does not mean he’s cheating on you. He might be taking a shit. Guys do that.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Aries, Leo, Libra
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Pisces, Virgo, Scorpio
Capricorn
There’s really no delicate way to put this, Capricorn: You’re in for a horny summer. Time to order a year’s supply of vibrating condoms and to put your gynecologist on speed dial because you are getting it in. That being said, drama queen Mars is in your marriage house from June 24-August 8th, making you both horny and clingy—a dangerous combo. With Venus in retrograde in August, it is very important that you don’t rush a relationship, no matter how good the sex is. We know you know this, but maybe you should tattoo it on the back of your hand so you don’t forget: good sex /= a stable relationship. On August 11th Jupiter will get in there and lighten up your approach to love, making you more open to taking risks. Perhaps a foreign fuckboy is in your future? Just make sure your new risk-taking horniness doesn’t lead to serious lapses in judgement. Condoms, Capricorn. Condoms. Or else there will be a bad case of herpes in your future. And not the kind that only shows up on your mouth.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Aries, Libra, Sagittarius
Aquarius
This summer, you’re so sick of that same old love and looking for some variety from your usual rotation of finance bros. I know “opposites attract” sounds like lame mom advice, but this might actually be true for you. If you’re usually into tall guys, maybe try dating someone short. If you usually are into hipsters, try dating someone with a job. Play the field. On June 16th a new moon in Gemini is opening your usually cold, dead heart, so see where it takes you! A full moon on July 31st will help you take risks, and with travel-focused Jupiter in your 9th house, this sounds like the perfect time for a solo vacation. Maybe it’s finally time for your own Eat, Pray, Love follow-up: Drink, Post, Bang. TBH it sounds better than the original.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Taurus, Scorpio, Capricorn
Pisces
Guess what Pisces, you’re gonna be a crazy bitch this summer. With Mars in your house of romance from June 24-August 8th, you basically have no choice but to find a man (or three, or four, maybe also a girl) and terrorize him for three full months. It’s not your fault. It’s just the stars. That being said, be sure to take your chiller friends’ advice and run all fuckboy ruining plans by them. They’ll be able to help you determine which actions are fun-crazy, and which actions are jail-crazy. Telling him to come over and then “falling asleep” as a test is fun crazy. Telling him to come over and then dousing him with gasoline is not. You may think you see the distinction now, but come end of June this line will be fuzzy for you. All that being said, Jupiter will be in your marriage house on 8/11, so you’ll feel the sudden urge to put a ring on it. Steer clear of Vegas. A full moon in your sign will help to restore your decision making capabilities by August 29th, and then you’ll be able to re-enter society. If you’re still looking for love after reading this, remember that Venus is in your house of service, so you’re more likely to meet someone while volunteering or participating in some other nice-girl activity. Maybe try donating your skis to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief? I heard those people lost everything, including athletic equipment.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Gemini, Sagittarius, Aquarius
