The 6 Stages Of Trying On A Bikini After Being A Lazy Piece Of Sh*t All Winter

You’ve officially survived another winter of dreaded family holidays, surprise engagements, and disguising your 2pm blackout as “brunch” without entirely losing your dignity. But that also means that in the months between November and March, betches were busy living their best fucking lives, Instagramming cheese plates and colorful fruit cocktails, all while pulling off the illusion that their ass underwent months of squat-like workouts, thanks to overpriced Lulu leggings.

Sure, these PPCS (Post Partum Cuffing Season) side effects are totally justified, but unfortunately for me you, the social media façade that just upped your followers prob also upped your pant size. Bikini season is right around the corner as of like, yesterday, and your besties are dying to be sexually objectified at Tao Beach, but that also means they’re counting on you to pose for pics with them that scream “GIRLS TRIP!!! But also can you believe this cleavage rn?” while debuting swimwear the size of a hair scrunchie. So if there’s one thing I know better than the exact distance it takes to get from work to the bar, it’s everything a betch goes through following the pre-bikini season DGAF:

Stage 1: The Invitation

After victoriously indulging in an all-carb diet for four months straight, the only phone call that’s dreaded more than your gyno calling to deliver test results is your best friend calling to invite you on a ratchet river retreat. This means pausing your Barefoot Contessa binge and getting off your ass in hopes of finding a swimsuit that’ll cover your perma-winter layer so you don’t feel like an IRL Flubber on a rocky boat. Being a possessor of chronic Stage 4 FOMO the good friend that you are, you reluctantly agree to a weekend of staged candid bikini photos while hiding behind a donut pool floatie, as you confirm with a high-pitched “OMG YES I’M SO THERE!” Congratulations, you’ve just survived your first two-way calling attack.

Stage 2: The Casual Browse

Does your recent Google search history read, “bathing suits that hide my back fat”? Bcuz same. Every betch has Googled some sort of self-loathing ridicule at a point in her life, which means that the quest for the perfect bathing suit has officially begun. But first you attempt to save a little face before baring it all to the poor Victoria’s Secret employee and peruse your options via Google. After hours of research, only to find yourself 68 weeks deep into Kylie Jenner’s sluttiest bikini photos, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures, and your Google searches quickly go from “bathing suits” to “how much did Kim’s fat transfer cost?”

Stage 3: The Dressing Room

They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but they also say the fitting room mirror adds like, 20. Idk if it’s the shitty interrogation-room lighting, or the fact that my “monthly” bloat has just become a way of life, but TBH entering a woman’s fitting room is like entering the fucking Chokey. After trying on the store’s entire swim inventory, the only thing you’ve actually accomplished other than realizing you’ve unknowingly been growing a winter forest below the navel border for the past three months, is realizing that the trendy off-the-shoulder bikini top you tolerated serves no practicality or purpose other than showcasing unwanted armpit vagina.

Stage 4: The Crash Diet

As you leave the store, you make a vow to yourself to go full Emily Blunt for two weeks and to eat nothing but a cube of cheese, but only when feeling like you’re gonna drop dead. You stick it out for a solid three hours until your drive home automatically lands you in the In-N-Out drive thru line because whatever, you’re getting cheese fries. You start randomly developing a sense of false confidence and mutter shit to yourself like, “If they can’t accept me at my pregnant Kim K., then they don’t deserve me at my revenge bod Khloé.” #BIBLE

Stage 5: The Prep

Earth to betches: Bikini season is only like 26% about the actual bikini. You don’t get a Chipotle burrito to show off the foil wrapping, do you? I’d be lying to you if I said I’m not the best version of myself when I have a tan. And you’d also be lying if you denied that. It makes you look, like, 10 pounds lighter and it gives the illusion that you physically saw the light of day this winter other than through your sliding glass door while you were covered in potato chip crumbs. You resort to whatever painful process it takes to distract people from the slightest amount of “excess love” hanging off your hips like a fucking ornament, and waxing off that 1960s bush you’ve been harboring like a fugitive. This results in spending more money on your physical appearance than the value of the actual vacation itself, but that’s just, like, the rules of Instagram feminism.

Stage 6: The Presentation

Whether or not your summer bod is ready, a betch knows that the key to living her best vacation life is liquid confidence. ‘Tis the season for 9am beer bongs and chips and guac as a meal replacement, so you finally decide to proudly wear your winter bloat like a badge of honor, because #LoveYoself and (hi) DGAFing is your specialty. Vacays may not be about what you wear, but they sure as hell are about what you drink, so chances are, nobody in their drunk state of mind will even notice your nonexistent insecurities. Plus, drunk goggles make everyone look like a fucking 10, so you win. Now sit back, RELAX, and get that fine-ass awesome personality over here and take a shot with me.

If you relate, you need to read: The Sexiest One Pieces That Will Hide Your Winter Weight

How To Get Skinny By The Fourth Of July

We don’t want to ruin your summer by making you give up your poolside chips and guac, but the Fourth of July is coming up in a few weeks and it’s time to get your shit together. We all know what happens when you get a little too comfortable and totally give up your health kick (hi). I mean, that’s probably how Rob Kardashian fell off the wagon in the first place. We can all agree we should take it up a notch before it’s time to day drink in an American flag bikini, so here’s how to get your body ready for the Instas.

1. Do Short HIIT Workouts

There’s a reason high intensity interval training was at the top of the list for the best 2017 fitness trends, and it’s not because we look hot doing it. HIIT training is effective and quick, so it’s obviously the best way to burn fat when you have a deadline and you’ve been eating Pinkberry on the daily. The combination of the bursts of high intensity exercise with short rest periods has been proven to burst your metabolism and keep your body in the fat-burning zone after your workout has ended.

2. Do Some Snack Prep

There’s nothing we hate more than long lines, waking up early, or people who walk slow, but doing any sort of advanced preparation tops anything on that list. No one wants to be a planner or think ahead, but sometimes when food is involved, it’s a necessary evil. When you’re hanging by the pool with friends or you’re road tripping to the Hamptons, it’s easy to rely on processed shit when you need a snack. By prepping some healthy snacks to carry around in advanced, you’ll end up saving a million calories and feeling so much better. And as a bonus, you won’t spend your hard-earned alcohol money on a spur-of-the-moment donut. Everybody wins.


3. Give Up The Sugar

We don’t usually tell you to cut things out of your diet entirely, but if you know you eat a lot of sugar, giving it up for the next few weeks could completely change your body. Not only is sugar terrible for your teeth and your liver, but it also affects the hormones in your brain which control hunger signals, so you end up thinking you’re more hungry than you actually are, which leads to overeating. Give up the Sour Patch Kids and the Skittles that are hanging around in your pantry. And don’t even get us started on that S’mores frap you ordered yesterday. Have you heard of unsweetened cold brew?

4. Eat Before You Go Out

It wouldn’t be fair or realistic for us to tell you not to go out during the month of June. I mean, it’s finally nice out after you’ve spent all of winter blacking out solo in your apartment in order to get through a Bachelor episode with Nick involved. You’re obviously going out a ton right now, but that’s when the mistakes tend to happen. Try to eat healthy food before you go out, whether you’re going to dinner, drinks, or even a pregame. If you show up ravenous and hangry, you’ll eat anything in sight and probably hate yourself for it later. Be satisfied with healthy foods before you show up and you’ll be less tempted to eat the entire cheese platter at the party.


5. Take More Steps

Walking isn’t actually good exercise (sorry moms), but sometimes when you start paying attention to how many steps you take in a day, you actively decide to walk more, and all those steps add up eventually. Instead of driving or Ubering everywhere for the next few weeks, try to actually walk places. It’s nice out anyway, so you have no excuse. You could burn up to like, 500 extra calories a day just by deciding to walk.

6. Incorporate Fats & Protein In Your Meals

A lot of people think that to eat healthier, you should just depend on a ton of fruits and vegetables throughout the day. Even though those foods are obv healthy for you, they’re actually carbohydrates, so they won’t fill you up as much as proteins or fats would, and you’ll end up eating more calories by just eating salads and grapes all day. Instead, try eating eggs, nuts, avocados, and salmon to fill yourself up. They’re a little more caloric, but you’ll stay full for longer and feel less of a need to snack after meals.


Read: The Killer Cardio Workout That Will Make You Skinny Without Running
7 Ways You’re F*cking Up Your Summer Body Without Realizing It

It’s almost June, and with Memorial Day coming up this weekend, you might be wondering why your summer body is taking so long to show up to the party. I mean, you’ve been doing two-minute planks and eating raw kale salads for the past few weeks, but let’s be real, you look the same and this shit is getting frustrating. Like, you didn’t pay extra for two-day shipping just for your body not to be ready for your new swimsuits. If you feel like you’re taking all the right steps and your efforts aren’t paying off, it could be because some subtle things you don’t even notice you’re doing are sabotoging all your progress. You know, just like in all your relationships.

1. You’re Underestimating Your Portion Sizes

We’re not telling you to buy a food scale and weigh out all of your portions (though that would help), but portion sizes do exist for a reason, even if we feel personally victimized by the nutrition label on a jar of peanut butter. If you’re not paying attention to your portion sizes, it doesn’t matter how healthy you’re eating. You could be eating way too much and be consuming a lot more calories than you think. Try to pay more attention to how many servings you’re eating and see if that makes a difference.

2. You’re Not Drinking Enough Water

Not drinking enough water can majorly alter your results if you’re trying to slim down for summer. First of all, water literally fills you up, so if you’re not drinking enough, you probably feel more hungry and are more likely to eat more throughout the day. Plus, water helps everything move through your system and keep your digestion on track, so you could be bloated or constipated from not drinking enough, which definitely isn’t helping your summer bod.

3. You’re Sabotaging Your Metabolism By Not Eating Enough

If you’ve been known to do extreme crash diets or starve yourself for the sake of a thigh gap, you’ve probably butchered your metabolism by not eating enough. Dieting is obviously about eating less, but if you’ve been cutting calories for a long time, your body might be crying for help. It sounds weird, but try adding in more calories for a few days and see how your body reacts. It might be holding onto any fat you’re consuming because it’s in starvation mode and needs a dieting vacation.

4. You’re Relying On Cardio Way Too Much

If you’re doing spin classes, HIIT, or any other types of cardio to lose weight for summer you’re on the right track, but it’s possible that you’re overdoing it, and your body is telling you to chill. Too much cardio can actually make your body retain water, which could make you look bloated. Try adding in some strength training to your workout routine to tone your muscles instead of just burning calories. You’ll find that once you have some muscle definition, your body will burn more calories on its own anyway.

5. You’re Not Volumizing Your Meals

If your summer diet isn’t getting any easier, it could be because you’re not volumizing your meals. Meal volume is all about eating the most food for the least amount of calories, so you’re getting the most bang for your buck. For example, instead of eating a 250 calorie protein bar that won’t fill you up, eat a 250 calorie grilled chicken salad, which will keep you full for hours. Adding volume through things like fruits, vegetables, and seeds makes a huge difference in your hunger levels.

6. Blame It On The Alcohol

Sorry to really kill the vibe on your summer rooftop blackouts, but your alcohol binging could be the reason you’re not seeing results. If you’re working out all week and paying attention to what you’re eating, you could be ruining that progress by taking tequila shots three nights a week. I mean, a drink or two over the weekend won’t do anything crazy to your body, but if you’re drinking multiple times a week, the calories add up and your body will start to hate you.

7. You’re Relying On Artificial Ingredients Instead Of Real Food

It’s easy to rely on things like Diet Coke and sugar-free gum when you’re trying to cut calories, but the fake sugars might actually be sabotaging your body’s hunger signals. Studies have shown that fake sweeteners actually increase your sugar cravings, which is why you end up craving ice cream and donuts after eating a zero-calorie snack. Skip the Splenda and the sketchy ingredients and instead focus on whole foods. They might be more caloric, but they’ll keep you full and actually give you the nutrients your body needs to lose fat and function properly.

How To Get A Last-Minute Beach Body When You Procrastinated All Winter

In just a couple weeks, you’ll be showing more skin than Rihanna on any red carpet, so you’re obviously panicking over your lack of a beach bod. Maybe you saw a pic of Gigi at the Met Gala. Maybe the woman weighing your Sixteen Handles cup is starting to call you by your first name. Either way, you’ve procrastinated all winter and it’s time to get shit done. Here are five tips to get your bod in shape in time for those inevitable Memorial Day Instagrams.

1. Cut Out Sugar

Throw away any fitness mag that’s telling you to cut out carbs and fat. If you want to change your body, simply cut out white sugar. Eating sugar is literally just putting empty calories in your body that will trigger more hunger later on. Sugar is proven to mess with your blood pressure, your hormones, and obviously your body. Don’t waste your time skipping breakfast or drinking green juice. Just put down the Sour Patch Kids.


2. Do Short HIIT Workouts

We don’t all have time for hours of work at the gym. HIIT, which stands for High Intensity Interval Training, is perfect for betches who need to get shit done in a time crunch. It’s super fast and super efficient. The best part is that you only need 20-30 minutes to get the workout done. That’s like, one Broad City episode.

3. Load Up On Fiber

Adding fiber to your diet will keep your full longer, so you can avoid all the mindless snacking you thought no one would notice. Fiber helps improve your skin, your blood sugar, and has anti-bloating properties. Foods like avocados, raspberries, Brussels sprouts, oats, and chick peas are filled with fiber—so get snacking. Yes, we just gave you a reason to eat MORE avocado and hummus. There is a god.

Beyonce Praise

4. Go The Fuck To Sleep

You’re gonna need to stop going to sleep at 4am for the next couple days. Aside from helping your brain function better and avoiding bags under your eyes, sleep will help you make healthier choices before the summer. Going to sleep earlier prevents late night snacking, burns more calories, and avoids hanger during your 3pm crash the next day.

5. Do Some Prep

You may have been lazy all winter long (don’t argue—we’ve seen your Netflix history), but it’s time to step up your game. We can tell you what to do, but we can’t do it for you. Make yourself some healthy food at the beginning of the week, write down a few realistic fitness goals for yourself, and get to it. If Khloé could put down the chicken fingers post-Lamar trauma, you can get yourself in shape for summer.


Want more tips on how to get skinny by Memorial Day? Click here!

How To Fake Great Legs For Summer

Summer is literally right around the corner and I am PISSED that no one notified me about this. Like, I just hung up my puffy coat two months weeks ago and you suddenly expect me to shed my dry AF winter skin and wine- and cheese-induced body already?? I am not Khloé Kardashian, I can’t just hire a plastic surgeon personal trainer to whip me and my pale AF legs into shape. Sighs. Tbh I haven’t felt this personally victimized since last May, when summer suddenly appeared every year like it’s supposed to out of fucking nowhere. Way harsh, Tai. Way harsh.

That being said, I am amazing at faking things. Just ask any of my Bumble dates when they meet me in person or my coworkers who think I’m “upbeat” and “positive.” Lol yeah, like positively dead inside. So why should faking great summer legs be any different? And for once, America’s dermatologists are not out to ruin our lives and actually have some helpful shit to say about this. Miracles. So listen up, because I’m about to tell you the dermatologist recommended betch approved beauty products you need to fake having great legs this summer. Don’t ever say money can’t buy you happiness legs you aren’t afraid to show in public.

Dry AF Winter Skin

Honestly, I try to never leave my apartment between the months of January and April, but there’s only so many brunches I’m willing to miss. And New York’s winter weather has wreaked havoc on my skin as punishment. If you want the scientific explanation for wtf is happening to your skin, it has to do with your skin cells not falling off the way they’re supposed to. Ew. In order to look summer Friday ready you need to nourish the fuck out of your skin. Step one is to use a cleanser that won’t strip your skin of moisture, like Dove Body Wash. Step two is to moisturize and we suggest using Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion. Seems obvious, but so does diet and exercise to lose weight, and does anyone really do that? I thought not. 

Aveeno And Dove


I’d like to say that I’m too young for cellulite but I’d also like to say that I don’t eat my weight in pizza 2-3 times a week and really I don’t feel too confident commenting on either of those topics rn. Since I don’t want you to put me down for cardio I guess I’m just going to have to fake this one too, and the best way to hide cellulite is with tan skin. Case in point: the Kardashians. Those hoes wouldn’t be caught dead wearing clothing, ditto for showing any sort of human weakness cellulite. Some may attribute this to their team of highly skilled plastic surgeons, but I attribute this to those surgeons AND having tan AF skin. 

Kim Kardashian

I suggest using Sally Hansen’s Airbrush Legs for this. It costs less than whatever you’re about to order off of Seamless tonight, plus it leaves your legs looking glowy and lean AF. 

Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs

Ingrown Hairs

Aka the reason I go to the gynecologist multiple times a year in a state of panic. Most people forget about the top part of your legs, which is only really relevant if you don’t want to look like shit in your obligatory summer poolside Instagram pic. Fucking duh. And aside from giving me mild heart attacks, these little fuckers are v painful and hard to hide in a bikini. Dermatologists suggest exfoliating the area before you shave and also shaving the way your hair grows, as if we didn’t already know that shit. Jesus. I retract my earlier statements about dermatologists being helpful. But if you’re already screwed and have razor burn and/or ingrown hairs try using an over-the-counter hydrocortisone cream. It will relieve the itching and the redness so you won’t be walking around looking like you caught a really bad STD.


Congratulations. You now have legs that are socially acceptable to be seen in the Hamptons, which is really all we were striving for in the first place. K, if you need me I’ll just be working out watching workout videos on YouTube.

7 “Healthy” Foods That Are Actually Making You Bloated

It’s summer, which means everyone’s scrambling to look good in a bikini. Cue the crash diet and endless crunches. But be careful with your diet overhaul: There are some seemingly healthy foods that actually could be making your body retain water—making you look super bloated as a result. Like, if you’re wondering why you look six months pregnant after a huge kale salad and a Diet Coke, it’s not your imagination. It’s just minor bloating, and it will go away eventually, but in the moment, it literally sucks. Here are some examples of “healthy” foods that are blowing up your tummy:

1. Gum

People think sugar-free gum is the key to dieting, but it could actually backfire on you if you OD on all those sugar alcohols. The reason gum has basically no calories is because it’s loaded with fake sugars, which are known to cause bloating. Plus, when you chew gum, you’re swallowing a lot of excess air, so that air may show up in your stomach and make you look like you have a food baby. It could also cause abdominal pain. Gum isn’t terrible for you, but if you’re going through three packs a day, you need to chill.

2. Kale

Kale is a tricky bitch. It’s basically a cruciferous vegetable, along with things like brussels sprouts, broccoli, and cauliflower. While these vegetables are obv super healthy for you, they’re also loaded with fiber, which means your large intestine has to work to digest them through bacteria. All of the fiber makes your stomach bloated when you eat too much of these foods. So, if you’re wondering why you feel huge after eating a box of kale chips, it’s the fiber.


3. Miso Soup

Miso soup is a go-to healthy appetizer to order when you’re out at a sushi restaurant, and while it’s true that it barely has any calories, most miso soups are loaded with sodium, which makes your body hold onto water. When your body takes in more sodium than it’s used to, you’ll puff up a bit for about a day. You might even see it in your face, so it’s probably not the best idea to order miso soup the day before you’ll be in bikini pics.

4. Corn

You might be eating a huge plate of corn at your family BBQ because it’s the only thing that resembles a vegetable, but it turns out corn is actually super hard to digest. (If you’ve ever looked into the toilet after you ate a few cobs of corn, you’d already know that.) There’s a certain type of carb in corn that is hard for your body to break down, which can lead to bacteria fermentation and trapped air in your stomach.


5. Diet Drinks

Diet drinks are another risky diet hack because there are literally no calories in them, but they’re loaded with fake sugars, which trigger sugar cravings later on and actually make you bloated for like, the whole day. I mean, getting a diet vodka soda is fine now and then if you’re out for drinks, but drinking a Diet Coke with every meal is a bit excessive and like, probably gonna kill you.

6. Dried Fruit

Dried fruit probably brings back Birthright memories of eating dried mango on every bus ride, but it’s also kind of sketchy when it comes to its nutrition. I mean, even though it’s fruit, it’s loaded with fiber and added sugar, so you just have to control your portion sizes. Experts recommend like, two tablespoons at a time, which is basically two dates, or like, three apple rings. You’re basically better off just eating fresh fruit.

Banana Ron Swanson

7. Sparkling Water

Drinking water is one of the things that actually helps get rid of bloating, but as much as we love our Pellegrino and Perrier, sparkling water isn’t doing your tummy any favors. The carbonated bubbles in seltzer are literally air pockets, so by swallowing them, you’re allowing air bubbles to build up in your stomach. I mean, who wants that?

How To Get Skinny By Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is in less than three weeks, and while some boring over-achievers have been dieting and hitting the gym since February, we’ve been busy like, eating cheese fries on 4/20 and slurping down margaritas on Cinco de Mayo. The point is, if your body is nowhere near summer ready, you’ve got just under three weeks to get your shit together before it’s time to day drink in a bikini for three days in a row. Here’s how to lose at least three pounds before Memorial Day:

1. Start Paying Attention

Whether you’re still recovering from Coachella or regretting that Unicorn Frap you ordered “just to see how it tastes,” you haven’t been making the best decisions lately, and it’s time to get your head on straight. You don’t get a good body by mindlessly snacking while watching 13 Reasons Why or by eating Matzah pizza three weeks after Passover. You get it by paying attention to what the fuck you’re eating, so start making good decisions.

Make Good Choices

2. Choose Whole Foods

We’re not talking about the grocery store, but I guess that works too. When you’re trying to lose weight, whole foods are your best friend. It’s not the 100-calorie snack pack or the sugar-free protein bar that promises to help you lose weight that will get the job done. You don’t need to go on some insane diet, but try eating REAL food, like vegetables, fruit, chicken, and eggs. You know, shit that can be found naturally in nature. Crazy concept, we know.

3. Don’t Buy Anything That Promises To Help

Here’s a little confidence boost for you: YOU’RE the only help you need. Stop buying bullshit SkinnyTeas or online nutrition coaches to tell you what to eat. The health industry is an INDUSTRY, so they’re trying to sell you shit. You probably know more than you think you do, so just listen to basic nutrition rules and try not to be a lazy shit. You don’t need a $95 subscription to Khloé Kardashian’s meal plan to get healthy.

Joanne The Scammer

4. Do HIIT Training

If you haven’t visited your gym since November and don’t even remember how to book a SoulCycle bike anymore, it’s fine. Everyone gets lazy and falls off the bike/wagon, but getting back on is the part that counts, so start now. HIIT, aka High Intensity Interval Training, is the fastest, most effective way to burn fat in a small period of time. Think like, 10 minute workouts—we conveniently already made one for you here. (We’re like, such a good friend.) If you go hard enough during each interval, your body will actually continue to burn calories later in the day, so you’ll basically be a fat-burning machine for the next few weeks.

5. Don’t Eat Late At Night

It’s hasn’t actually been scientifically proven that you gain weight from eating later at night, but it’s definitely not the healthiest thing for you. Going to bed feeling full AF will just make you wake up feeling bloated and not skinny, so eat earlier and have a little snack later if you must. Sorry if it makes you a loser for saying no to a late-night dinner at Catch, but nothing good can come of eating a spicy tuna crispy rice roll at 11pm.

Midnight Snack

6. Prioritize Breakfast

On the same theme of not eating late, you should actually be filling up on calories earlier in the day to prevent snacking and bad eating decisions later on. By having a legitimate breakfast in the morning, your body will fill up with enough fuel to get you through the day, so you’re not starving yourself to binge later on. I mean, everyone knows that feeling of skipping a meal and then getting home and going HAM with whatever the fuck is in your pantry. Have a real breakfast. And just to be clear, coffee with a splash of milk isn’t breakfast.

7. Choose Your Alcohol Wisely

We’re not telling you not to drink for the next three weeks. I mean, we’re not AA, nor do we live in the land of make believe. Alcohol is probably a staple in your week, so you don’t have to completely cut it out. Like, no one wants to be at happy hour with that girl who can’t order a drink because of her dietary restrictions. Drinking a couple times a week is fine, but make sure you order drinks that aren’t going to kill you, or like, add 60 grams of sugar to your night. Skip anything with syrups or tons of sugar, and instead stick to a simple vodka soda or a classy glass of wine. #Health 


Read: The 6 Changes To Make To Your Coffee Order If You’re Trying To Lose Weight
The Best Swimsuits For Your Summer Body, Or Lack Thereof

Swimwear shopping is the fucking worst. Even Kendall Jenner has tried on a one piece unflattering enough to make her question her entire existence. (Okay, maybe not. IDK, I’m just trying to make us all feel good.) That’s why I hate that “how to get a bikini body” meme that’s like, “step one: put a bikini on your body.” That’s just not how life works. Unless you’re a celebrity that can somehow profit off of indecent exposure when suffering a wardrobe malfunction at the beach, getting the right swimwear for your body is important. Here are the best swimwear styles to outfit your next thirst trap flatter your body.

To Show Off Your Boobs Without Risking A Nip Slip

Rock a simple triangle bikini. Have you ever noticed that Kim Kardashian is almost always wearing a triangle bikini? It’s because it’s the most flattering style for anyone with huge boobs. Bandeaus and other strapless styles just won’t stay up (you lucky bitch). Triangles are also awesome because the classic ties won’t cut into your back the way a top with a clasp would. It kind of sucks to have to worry about potential back fat situations, but it’s what you get for not having to stuff your bra in middle school.

Becca by Rebecca Virtue Triangle Top

Becca by Rebecca Virtue Triangle Top

Definitely stay away from: Any style with underwire or padding. It will just create extra bulk that you don’t need. Even most triangle bikinis are loaded up with a bunch of padding that can make your boobs a super weird shape, so removing that is probs in your best interest.

To Get People To Comment The Peach Emoji On Your Instagram

Go for a suit with a high leg cut, duh. This silhouette basically does the same thing for your butt as a thong, but it’s a one piece, so it’s not as shameless… if you care about that kind of thing.

Aerie Super Scoop One Piece

Aerie Super Scoop One Piece

Definitely stay away from: Those bottoms that pretty much give you a permawedgie. You know, the scrunchy ones with ruffles and the elastic down the middle? They’re fugly and not even the most flattering design for your butt.

To Celebrate Your Spot In The Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Pick a really cool high neck top. High neck bikini tops can be so tough to pull off, but betches with small boobs can make them look better than anyone else. The tan lines are going to be totally brutal and I really have no way to sugarcoat that, so you’re just going to have to deal with it, I guess.

Rhythm Havana Floral Print High Neck Bikini Top

Rhythm Havana Floral Print High Neck Bikini Top

Definitely stay away from: Triangle tops. IDK, I barely passed geometry, but I’m going to guess that triangles are not the best shape for small boobs. 

To Subtly Brag About Your Hourglass Shape

Wear a one piece. Literally almost every single one piece looks amazing on anyone who’s curvy and thankfully there are currently tons of one pieces available at the moment because designers have realized that everyone’s totally obsessed with them. If you have trouble fitting your boobs into one pieces, try one with lace up details or some kind of adjustable fastening down the middle, which will give you some control.

Aila Blue Spirit One Piece Swimsuit

Aila Blue Spirit One Piece Swimsuit 

Definitely stay away from: Suits with lots of cutouts. It’s so rare to find one with cutouts that actually reveal the bits of skin you’d like to show off. Opt for a suit with an interesting back design or a plunging neckline to keep it ~scandalous~.