Are you mentally prepared for week two of 2018? Muster all of the stable genius you can. The Sun, Venus, Mars, Saturn and Pluto are all hanging out in Capricorn this week, so be prepared for a Monday of readjusting to a full week of work with a few minor surprises along the way. Joy.
Your bosses or professors expect you to be functioning at 100% this week. The planets collected in Capricorn will make you more visible to your superiors so pretend to be working and you won’t get called out for not actually working. Likewise, if you actually have been working when everyone else was slacking, it’s a good time to present the shit you’ve done.
The planets collected in Capricorn are really complementary to the Taurus betch’s life. It’s a good week to get out and travel. If you can’t do that because it’s back to business this week, it’s a good week to book tickets for that big trip you’ve been meaning to take. Your friends will thank you for rallying the troops this early for spring break.
Your financial situation is looking better than its looked in months thanks to a boost of holiday cash and some help from the planets. The planets parked in Capricorn happen to also be chilling in one of your money houses. Just because you have cash doesn’t mean you should spend it. Keep hoarding money like the President hoards burgers at dinner time and you’ll have a rainy day fund the next time Mercury in retrograde rolls around.
The fab five planets in Capricorn are directly opposite your sign as a Cancer. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Venus is still pulling you to work on relationships and grow closer to friends and lovers, but Mars will make you impatient. Remember that as you’re resisting the urge to send your boyfriend the fifth block of text in a row for ignoring you while his phone is most definitely in his locker at the gym.
Your big resolution this year was to get your shit together. You’re trying to be more organized, healthier, happier blah blah blah. Your high standards extend into the week ahead and things will continue to be smooth sailing into week two. It’s probs best that you add “being more balanced” into your resolutions because blindly focusing on those goals will make you miss out on a lot of fun shit… and donuts. Mostly the donuts.
Just because it’s back to the real world this week doesn’t mean the party is ending for the Virgo betch. This week will be filled with more fun, romance, adventure and success. You go, Virgo. Of course, all those things improve your mood. So don’t worry if you’re feeling… what is that feeling? Happiness? Ew, gross.
Your focus this week is on the home. Let’s face it, you’ve let things at your apartment get kind of disgusting over the past month. Blame the weather or the holidays or whatever. It’s time to get some clarity through cleaning—change your sheets, do the dishes and sweep the floors. It’ll make your place less of a biohazard, but where your mind wanders while you’re doing the monotonous will reveal some deep truths about your life.
Unlike some signs who are dragging their feet into 2018, you’re back to business. Things will get busy again this week with the bullshit you’re used to: work, errands, social stuff, etc. Thankfully, lucky Jupiter has entered your sign and will be hanging out there for the next year. Could this be your most #blessed year yet?
Five planets are in your House of Earnings starting this week so if you have a chance to make moves in your career, this is the week to go for it. Most of the time, doors just open for you, but you might have to kick some down if you’re really interested in going after what you want. If you’re still lacking on motivation, watch Oprah’s speech from the Golden Globes. Literally no one does inspiration better than Oprah.
A lot of signs have pretty positive horoscopes this week, but you’re the luckiest of them all. With five of the big player planets parked in your sign, you’re getting a lot of attention in every realm of your life. At work, in the romance department and even at the gym—results of the effort you’ve been putting in is starting to be realized and no one can look away.
You have, like, so much wisdom that you can impart on today’s youth. Okay, maybe you just know the best way to cure a hangover or what to say when you run into a guy you ghosted. Someone is looking up to you for some reason. Take pity and impart some of that wisdom this week. It’ll earn you great Karma when you really need it later on.
A lot is on your mind this week, Pisces. You haven’t really nailed down resolutions still because you think resolutions are mostly bullshit. That’s totally fine. It’s best for you to take this week to really figure out what goals you want to accomplish in the next one, five and 10 years. Feel free to bounce your thoughts off a trusted friend. Their feedback will be helpful in giving you some guidance. But, ultimately, the way you proceed with your life is totally up to you.
At last, science has confirmed something betches figured out a long time ago. Forget boring shit like hard work and perseverance and oh my god sorry I just fell asleep. Anyway. Apparently, success comes down to personality rather than intelligence, so suck it, nerds.
This comes from a paper published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences back in September. Researchers looked at a bunch of data sets and found that the best predictor of life achievements—basically, whether you’re skinny and rich or eating potato chips living in your parents’ basement—wasn’t IQ tests. It was personality, which is something betches have on fucking lock.
IQ could predict achievement test scores, but when it came to stuff like life satisfaction and body mass index (btw is this researchers’ way of shading fat people?), the best way to tell if someone was going to be successful as an adult was combining personality scores and grades. In fact, they found that being rich was associated with a personality trait called conscientiousness, aka self-discipline. Admittedly, betches aren’t exactly known for our self-control, but we’re perfect in every other aspect so whatever.
TL;DR it doesn’t matter what some internet IQ test told you if you don’t get shit done in real life. Fortunately, being charming and flawless is a betch’s area of expertise—just don’t expect us to show up on time (or not hungover) on Monday morning.