We Know Who Becca’s ‘Bachelorette’ Stylist Is, & We’re Calling The Police

There’s been a lot of troubling shit that’s happened during this season of The Bachelorette, but nothing has been more horrifying than the clothes Becca has willingly worn on her body. Watching her outfits week after week has made me want to call the police on more than one a occasion, and it got me thinking, where the hell is Becca’s stylist in her time of need? Did ABC cut that budget too along with travel and the background check money?? Well, according to Life & Style Mag, Becca does in fact have a stylist: one Mr. Cary Fetman. Apparently we have him to “thank for stunning looks” this season. So, this is the man who’s been actively trying to blind me every fucking Monday for the last four weeks? I just have one question for you, Cary: who hurt you?

But, seriously, who is Cary Fetman and why does he want to sabotage Becca and her happiness by dressing her in 2010’s hottest mall clothes? That’s what I’m here to find out. According to his interview with Life & Style Mag, Cary has been a long time stylist for the Bachelor franchise and styled past Bachelorettes/goddesses incarnate JoJo and Rachel. Clearly he has some sense of style because those bitches looked amazing on their seasons. To be fair, JoJo was perhaps the most stylish Bachelorette that ABC has ever had, and if she even breathed near a piece of clothing I immediately bought it and every color it came in. To even THINK that JoJo and Becca were styled by the same human and not one professional stylist and one professional Costco shopper is absurd. But, alas, it’s true. Which brings me to the bigger question here: why does Cary Fetman want to ruin Becca’s life? I have my theories. *stands on soapbox* *clears throat* Here are three theoretical reasons to explain why Bachelor stylist Cary Fetman is out to get Becca.

1. He’s Team Lauren

How anyone could choose a robot life form forged in the underground belly of ABC studios over Becca is beyond me but, like, I’ve been wrong before. That’s right, fellow Bachelor conspiracy theorists, Cary Fetman could actually be Team Lauren. Now typically stylists only come into play for Bachelor contestants when it’s down to the final two women. If you’ll recall, Lauren showed up to her proposal dressed like a goddamn vision, while Becca showed up in one of the most visually offensive garments I’ve ever laid eyes on. While I don’t think anyone could have predicted how spectacularly Arie would fuck up last season, I do think our boy Cary was rooting for Lauren B to either get the proposal or the Bachelorette gig and for Becca to go shave her back. It’s the only explanation for how someone could actually support another person wearing a nude a dress with black overlay on national fucking television in 2018.

He certainly isn’t, Becca!

2. He’s Using Heinous Fashion As A Ploy To Get More Instagram Followers

In an interview with Who What Wear, our boy Cary admitted that he understands social media about as well my dad who just emailed me for instructions on how to share a link on his Facebook page (I paraphrase, but you get the point). Supposedly Chris Harrison held him at gunpoint casually suggested he get on this newfangled thing called “Instagram” during JoJo’s season because he was the last ABC employee to do so and they needed him to step his fucking game up. How embarrassing for him. With Cary being so late to the Instagram game, he had to have some sort of strategy for gaining followers and might have adopted the strategy of bad press is still press, amiright?

Apparently in the past Cary has pushed contestants to “take chances” with their style, even though JoJo word for word said she would be “crucified on social media” for wearing one of his outfit suggestions. CRUCIFIED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Becca, are you listening to this?? In response to JoJo’s concerns, Cary said this: “So what?… You can’t rule your life by what others are going to say on social media.” Um, excuse me, but are you living in the same broken world as I am, Cary?? Because, yes, you sure fucking can! This is The Bachelorette! These girls are on here to find mediocre fame and a guy who works with their favorite Instagram filter, not to take chances and potentially be skewered anonymously on the internet for it! Yeah, clearly, Cary is not here for the right reasons and is just using the Bachelorettes to promote heinous fashion and foster conversation about his “risk-taking” style. Pass.

3. He’s Trying To Save Becca From Herself

Finally, my favorite theory for why he might be secretly sabotaging Becca’s chances at love through offensive fashion choices: Cary is just trying to do Becca a solid. Hear me out now: Recently it’s come to light that the men on Becca’s season are trash. Like, soon-to-be registered sex offender, homophobic, racist, piles of trash masquerading as decent human beings with posh accents. She’s so lucky! And yet week after week Becca continues to give out roses to these cretins. Maybe Cary wants to help her out in the only way he knows how: by ruining her sex appeal one lace blazer at a time. Honestly, he’s making a valiant effort here. Go big or go home.

And there you have it, people. Cary Fetman: the man, the myth, the life-ruiner. I can’t wait for next Monday’s episode! I’m sure Becca’s date wear will be a literal crime scene. 

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (3)

The Best Glow-Ups On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ This Season, Ranked

Well fam, it’s been a long fucking summer of watching Rachel, a beautiful, smart, career-driven woman with eyelash extensions settle for a man with fake cheeks get engaged to Bryan. We were rooting for you, Rachel! We were all rooting for you! But now that Rachel has found love someone to exploit her for Instagram likes, we can move on to my favorite part of the summer: Bachelor in Paradise. I realize I need better hobbies. Whatever, know yourself. There’s really nothing that brings me more happiness than watching beautiful people get fucked up off of Pinot Grigio and grope each other on a Mexican beach. Literally nothing. And for a minute there it looked like my happiness was about to be stolen from me BiP wasn’t going to happen. *shudders* Thank god ABC feels about as much shame as Kris Jenner with one of her children’s sex tapes because Bachelor in Paradise is finally here—and so are the glow-ups. Let’s face it, even though I live for watching these losers spread STDs in Mexico, I also can’t deny that I love a good Bachelor makeover, and this summer there are many. It could be the wine talking or the fact that the only way I know how to process my emotions is through an extreme amount of shit-talking, but either way I have some shit to say about these makeovers. So let’s get started, shall we?

5. Lacey

Tbh I completely forgot this girl even existed, and her descriptor as “camel girl” didn’t really help me much. Apparently Lacey was on Nick’s season (??) and the only reason I know that is because I went and looked back at our recaps. Way to leave your imprint on the world, Lacey! For those of you who were too drunk to remember (Hi), Lacey was the Gretchen Wieners to Corinne’s Regina George. I guess it’s hard to be a star when your friend is constantly fornicating in bouncy houses and getting frisky with a whipped cream can. It’s v hard for a hype girl these days. Aside from being about as memorable as a finance bro on Bumble, Lacey also ditched her blonde locks and showed up to Paradise looking like Lizzie McGuire disguised as an Italian pop star.

Tell me she didn’t show this picture to her stylist. TELL ME. If Lizzie Lacey starts faking an accent like Kristina to stay relevant all my theories will be proven. Between the heavy use of black eyeliner and the brunette wig (I stand by this rumor I’m starting), I can only assume Lacey was hoping to distance herself from Corinne and become less of sidekick and more of a star like someone willing to show their boobs on national television. It’s a bold move, Lacey, but not as bold as showing Paolo up at his Italian concert, so last place for you. 

4. Raven

I know what a lot of you are thinking: “Doesn’t Raven look the exact same as she did when she was on Nick’s season?” And you would be very fucking wrong. Sure, the overly orange skin and her shitty black hair extensions are the same (for shame, Raven, for shame), but there’s just something different about her and I can’t…quite…put my finger on it…

Andddd there it is. A breakup boob job, Raven? Really? I mean there’s no actual proof of said boob job other than my sneaking suspicion that her boobs DID NOT look like that when she was trying to win over someone with a fondness for sexless turtlenecks Nick, but still. I expected more about the same from a girl who threatened her ex with a shoe and relied on a man with a heavy lisp and who was the face of Sugar Bear Hair to give her her first orgasm. Whatever. Live your truth, Raven. I’ll just be here, silently praying that you beat Robbie to death with a shoe at some point.

3. Taylor

Ah, my favorite mental health therapist, finding her emotional intelligence down the back of Derek’s throat. Even though I hate Taylor like the girl in my sorority who told me hanging out with the lesser frats didn’t count as charity work (bitch) she does look v v good this season. She came to Paradise rocking the natural curls look, and I am here for it. I’m sure she’ll attribute this transformation to Derek and his love, in which case I will vomit in my mouth a little and go back to despising her, but for now I’m here for the look. Though if she knows what’s good for her she’ll leave her 7th grade hair styling skills and shirt collection at home, along with all of her uncalled for judgement.

2. Danielle M

Danielle M actually got a boob job. I’m not just making shit up to hear myself talk speculating here, it’s fact. And like, good for her. She really needed something to make her more interesting. Honestly, I have to really squint to see a difference here at all, but if she thinks a boob job will make her more attractive to men and give her a leg up over girls like Alexis and Corinne who actually have a personality then she’s probably right because that’s the world we live in. Four for you, Danielle M, you go Danielle M.

1. Kristina

I didn’t love Kristina on Nick’s season and I really didn’t expect much out of her on Paradise. I mean, I know she had a shitty childhood and escaped communist Russia and everything, but like, she still has the personality of low-fat yogurt. Sure, I might be a little jealous because my boyfriend Dean is super into her and her emotional baggage, but also, she just fucking sucks. Whatever, at least she came to Paradise with a fire new hair color. Honestly, she looks amaze. I can’t even hate. *whispers “you lucky bitch” under breath*

Like, whoever her stylist was just worked a Bachelor miracle on this girl. She went from “little orphan Annie” to “DM me for collabs” and she knows it too. Whatever. Fingers crossed the new hair color makes her a hot commodity in Paradise. I can only hope that Dean comes back emotionally devastated and I’ll have him right where I want him I can slide into his DMs. A girl can dream.