I think I speak for most of us lucky betches who have hair when I say, hair is life. If I’m not having a good hair day (which happens to be every day I run into someone I don’t want to fucking see), I know it’s going to be a day from hell. However, I will say that I’m v lucky to even have hair to begin with, so that’s why I s
pend hundreds at a hair salon take very good care of it. Having a hair stylist fuck up a dye job is one thing. It sucks, but you can ultimately fix it. Trusting your roomie with no experience whatsoever to trim your hair is alarming if she screws up. Although on the good side, your hair grows back eventually. However, seeing your hair shed on the floor like an animal every single time you wash/brush/straighten it?!?! That’s a heart attack waiting to happen. Because losing your hair before turning 50 is terrifying, here’s what to get that’ll make you let out a huge sigh of relief and have your roommates stop yelling at you for clogging the drain.
If your hair is either super thin or in the process of thinning, this strengthening shampoo is infused with keratin to protect your hair’s surface. It especially focuses on your scalp—which is good because like, that’s where this problem fucking stems from—to cleanse clogged pores and encourage healthy hair growth. Use this with its companion, Keranique Volumizing Keratin Conditioner Deep Hydration for Dry Hair, which essentially does the same shit, but better because it is conditioner and conditioner is God.
This treatment is perf for people who get really pissed off when their hair falls out because they’ve been waiting like, an eternity for their hair to grow even a fucking half of an inch to begin with (this is personal issues). This in-shower treatment really soothes your scalp for extra bouncy, voluminous hair that doesn’t leave clumps of your hair everywhere and actually gives it a chance to grow. Use in between the shampoo and conditioner for like, five minutes.
So apparently towel-drying your hair like a psycho is really bad for your hair and is a huge indicator for why it sheds in the first place. Oops. Well, to cut your hair-drying time in half without pulling your fucking hair out, this towel is made from ~exclusive~ technology so that it locks in your hair’s keratin and quickly brings your hair to a semi-dry state without friction. Anddd, without friction, you have healthy defined hair that’s frizz-free and on your head, instead of the floor!!! BLESS.
Okay, this is the good stuff—the stuff that matters when you constantly fry the shit out of your hair and leave a shedding trail wherever you go. This is a multi-purpose mist that softens super fragile hair and protects it from every hair issue we all suffer from on a daily basis. It prevent hair breakage, as well as works as a heat protectant, de-frizzer, and moisturizer to keep your hair cooperative… for once. For first time users, use on damp hair for the first day of use and on the next, use on dry before styling as you wish.
YASSS betch, these are my fave. They replace that rude af hair tie you’re probs wearing on your wrist rn that rips out a fuck ton of your hair. These spiral plastic corded bands relieve the pressure, aka headache, from an up-do, keep your hairstyle stable and defined, and come off smoothly so you don’t literally yank your hair out. These come in fun colors, which also includes your everyday black. Just make sure you don’t let anyone borrow one because you sure as hell won’t get it back.
Well fam, it’s been a long fucking summer of watching Rachel, a beautiful, smart, career-driven woman
with eyelash extensions settle for a man with fake cheeks get engaged to Bryan. We were rooting for you, Rachel! We were all rooting for you! But now that Rachel has found love someone to exploit her for Instagram likes, we can move on to my favorite part of the summer: Bachelor in Paradise. I realize I need better hobbies. Whatever, know yourself. There’s really nothing that brings me more happiness than watching beautiful people get fucked up off of Pinot Grigio and grope each other on a Mexican beach. Literally nothing. And for a minute there it looked like my happiness was about to be stolen from me BiP wasn’t going to happen. *shudders* Thank god ABC feels about as much shame as Kris Jenner with one of her children’s sex tapes because Bachelor in Paradise is finally here—and so are the glow-ups. Let’s face it, even though I live for watching these losers spread STDs in Mexico, I also can’t deny that I love a good Bachelor makeover, and this summer there are many. It could be the wine talking or the fact that the only way I know how to process my emotions is through an extreme amount of shit-talking, but either way I have some shit to say about these makeovers. So let’s get started, shall we?
Tbh I completely forgot this girl even existed, and her descriptor as “camel girl” didn’t really help me much. Apparently Lacey was on Nick’s season (??) and the only reason I know that is because I went and looked back at our recaps. Way to leave your imprint on the world, Lacey! For those of you who were too drunk to remember (Hi), Lacey was the Gretchen Wieners to Corinne’s Regina George. I guess it’s hard to be a star when your friend is constantly fornicating in bouncy houses and getting frisky with a whipped cream can. It’s v hard for a hype girl these days. Aside from being about as memorable as a finance bro on Bumble, Lacey also ditched her blonde locks and showed up to Paradise looking like Lizzie McGuire disguised as an Italian pop star.
Tell me she didn’t show this picture to her stylist. TELL ME. If
Lizzie Lacey starts faking an accent like Kristina to stay relevant all my theories will be proven. Between the heavy use of black eyeliner and the brunette wig (I stand by this rumor I’m starting), I can only assume Lacey was hoping to distance herself from Corinne and become less of sidekick and more of a star like someone willing to show their boobs on national television. It’s a bold move, Lacey, but not as bold as showing Paolo up at his Italian concert, so last place for you.
I know what a lot of you are thinking: “Doesn’t Raven look the exact same as she did when she was on Nick’s season?” And you would be very fucking wrong. Sure, the overly orange skin and her shitty black hair extensions are the same (for shame, Raven, for shame), but there’s just something different about her and I can’t…quite…put my finger on it…
Andddd there it is. A breakup boob job, Raven? Really? I mean there’s no actual proof of said boob job other than my sneaking suspicion that her boobs DID NOT look like that when she was trying to win over
someone with a fondness for sexless turtlenecks Nick, but still. I expected more about the same from a girl who threatened her ex with a shoe and relied on a man with a heavy lisp and who was the face of Sugar Bear Hair to give her her first orgasm. Whatever. Live your truth, Raven. I’ll just be here, silently praying that you beat Robbie to death with a shoe at some point.
Ah, my favorite mental health therapist, finding her emotional intelligence down the back of Derek’s throat. Even though I hate Taylor like the girl in my sorority who told me hanging out with the lesser frats didn’t count as charity work (bitch) she does look v v good this season. She came to Paradise rocking the natural curls look, and I am here for it. I’m sure she’ll attribute this transformation to Derek and his love, in which case I will vomit in my mouth a little and go back to despising her, but for now I’m here for the look. Though if she knows what’s good for her she’ll leave her 7th grade hair styling skills and shirt collection at home, along with all of her uncalled for judgement.
2. Danielle M
Danielle M actually got a boob job. I’m not
just making shit up to hear myself talk speculating here, it’s fact. And like, good for her. She really needed something to make her more interesting. Honestly, I have to really squint to see a difference here at all, but if she thinks a boob job will make her more attractive to men and give her a leg up over girls like Alexis and Corinne who actually have a personality then she’s probably right because that’s the world we live in. Four for you, Danielle M, you go Danielle M.
I didn’t love Kristina on Nick’s season and I really didn’t expect much out of her on Paradise. I mean, I know she had a shitty childhood and escaped communist Russia and everything, but like, she still has the personality of low-fat yogurt. Sure, I might be a little jealous because
my boyfriend Dean is super into her and her emotional baggage, but also, she just fucking sucks. Whatever, at least she came to Paradise with a fire new hair color. Honestly, she looks amaze. I can’t even hate. *whispers “you lucky bitch” under breath*
Like, whoever her stylist was just worked a Bachelor miracle on this girl. She went from “little orphan Annie” to “DM me for collabs” and she knows it too. Whatever. Fingers crossed the new hair color makes her a hot commodity in Paradise. I can only hope that Dean comes back emotionally devastated and
I’ll have him right where I want him I can slide into his DMs. A girl can dream.
I have seen a lot of disturbing shit go down in 2017, like Blac Chyna’s nipples posted on my morning newsfeed and people trying to make
just sucked dick lips snogged lips happen. But nothing is more disturbing to me than what teenagers with an Instagram account are doing to their eyebrows. I mean, barbed wire eyebrows? Fucking BROW carving? Lord, Jesus, why must you test me with the extraness? It’s like people are just asking for me to report their Instagram selfies as offensive images to Instagram HQ. Sighs. Like, don’t these kids know that eyebrows are sacred and a part of me that I only share with my most trusted allies the person I pay way too much to craft my brows into a basic shape?? Fucking youths. And look, I too have come a long way in the eyebrow department since the current eyebrow trend. I can’t just vaguely gesture to my face when I talk to my brow girl anymore. No, I have to have some sort of a plan. Considering that, honestly, my skills stretch about as far as knowing the best wine for under $12 and how to alienate people with my dark sense of humor, figuring out the best brow look for me took some Googling extensive research. If you, like me, have no fucking clue what your face shape is, much less what kind of eyebrow structure will go good with it, then you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a guide on how to make your eyebrows look better than your Labor Day Weekend beach body based on your face shape:
Oval faces resemble an upside-down egg, and if you’re still unsure as to if that description fits your facial structure then I suggest holding up an egg to your face in a mirror for a side-by-side comparison. Then Snap me that entire journey of self-reflection. I could use a
good laugh at another person’s expense win today, thx. Your best brow look is going to be a slightly arched brow. It’s a simple, yet classic look and it’ll match the perfect proportions of your face shape, you lucky bitch. Make sure the arch of your eyebrow begins two thirds of the way out. And DO NOT put the arch in the middle of your brow lest you end up with McDonald’s golden arches on your face. That said, I’m just going to leave this cautionary message here:
If your face is equally long as it is wide then congratulations, you have a square-shaped face. The good news is your face has got angles for days and I wouldn’t be surprised if you think you’re a model on Instagram. The bad news is even though your bone structure is on point, you can’t get batshit with your brow game. You’ll want to go for a softer, rounded brow so as to soften the lines of your face. Let’s not forget the depressing tale of this “Obamacare victim” (lol) who was definitely actually a victim of some very bad brow advice:
If you’re looking for a celeb comparison for this one, think Kourtney Kardashian. Heart-shaped faces tend to have a widow’s peak, their cheeks are wider than their hairline, and their chin is narrow AF. Again, even though bold brows are in, you’ll want to cool it with your extraness lest you scare children away with your eyebrows. A well-groomed brow is your go-to brow as it will balance out your petite jawline and emphasis the upper half of your face. The goal here is to create a shape that’s controlled, but you don’t want your brows to be thinner than my will to live or Sandy Cohen bushy. It’s a fine line you must walk so good fucking luck with it.
We’ll pray for you, Sethelah.
You’re probs that friend who always gets carded at bars and isn’t allowed to try the free samples at Costco without a parent present thanks to the psychopaths who run the free samples booth who just assume you are a child. *takes slow, calming breath* Congratulations because you, my friend, have a
baby face round-shaped face. Because you have no angles or definition to your face, a high arch is the perfect brow shape for you. It’ll make you look like you actually have a bone structure and maybe those tyrants at Costco will finally let you have a free sample. PRAISE.
^^Actual footage of me trying to get a free sample at Costco
Diamond-shaped faces are unique AF. The hairline is more narrow than the cheeks and the chin is slightly pointed, giving these blessed people all sorts of fun angles to work with in their selfies. If it sounds like you might have a diamond-shaped face then I recommend a curved or rounded brow shape. It’ll make the widest part of your face look less wide and create a sense of balance and symmetry.
READ: What Guys Really Think Of Your Eyebrows
Katy Perry debuted her new, ultra-short platinum blonde “I just broke up with Orland Bloom” haircut on Instagram this week, and for those of us with a keen eye and nothing better to do in life, it was hard not to think of another post-breakup betch who debuted a very similar haircut on social media way back in 2012. I’m talking, of course, about Miley Cyrus. After a bit of digging, this similarity in styles makes perfect sense, considering celeb stylist Chris McMillan is responsible for both, which begs the question—is the platinum pixie the new official “post-breakup” hairstyle? And isn’t it kind of weird for Katy Perry to be stealing styling tips from a girl a full eight years younger than her? Amber, was that you going through my laundry?
And that’s not to say that Miley owns the platinum bob. That’d be like saying she owns wearing a jewel encrusted marijuana themed onesie. She doesn’t. Marijuana onesies belong to everyone. But it would be kind of weird if Katy Perry started rocking one. And you have to admit, the cuts are very similar, even down to their rollout on social media:
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 13, 2012
It just seems odd for two people with literally the same job and the same hairstylist to now have the same post-breakup haircut. It’d be like if your coworker wore army pants and flip flops, so the next day you wore army pants and flip flops. People are just gonna notice. And the similarities between Perry and Cyrus don’t even end with hair. Let’s break down all the ways that these two women are low-key becoming the same person:
1. They’re Both Really Political
It’s no secret that Katy Perry was basically Hillary Clinton’s on-staff pop star for all of the 2016 campaign. If only she’d come out with “Chained to The Rhythm” then instead of letting Hill play “Fight Song” to death. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation. But Miley is no stranger to political issues, and not just surrounding legal weed. After Trump’s win, Miley literally cried on Snapchat, and even before that she’d gone door to door for Hillary. Literally. She showed up at people’s dorm rooms and told them to go vote. Do I smell an anti-Trump “get out the vote” midterm election collaboration song in the future? Could either be great, or terrible.
2. They Both Have Virginal Backgrounds
Though it’s hard to remember given her newfound love of twerking naked in a pile of molly dust, Miley Cyrus did start out as a Disney star. What you may not know is that before she was showing cleavage on on Sesame Street or getting married to Russell Brand, Katy Perry was a Christian rock singer, mostly to make her pastor dad happy. Funny, that’s the exact same reason Miley did Hannah Montana. Coincidence, or conspiracy? You decide.
3. They’ve Both Had Very Public Beefs With Other Celebs.
As we all know, literal lunatic Taylor Swift wrote “Bad Blood” about Katy Perry after KP stole
John Mayer her backup dancer. And who could forget the “Miley What’s good?” incident of 2015? Both stars also opted to respond by half-responding and pretending to be the better person, which is only fun if you’re someone who cares about how they are perceived by the general public.
4. Their Live Shows Are Fucking Crazy.
I mean, do I need to go into this one? Left shark. The Robin Thicke incident. And twerking. So, so much twerking. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if tickets to see either of these women perform come along with a seizure warning. Their performances are basically the experience of being on both molly and acid come to life, and honestly, don’t hate it.
5. They’re Both Kind Of Funny.
Given that a lot of pop stars take themselves way, wayyyy too seriously, Katy and Miley are both low-key kind of funny and don’t mind being the butt of a few jokes. Unlike someone like, say, Taylor Swift, who once said Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were going to hell for making fun of her. Katy Perry, on the other hand, has a cat named Kitty Purry and once posted the following throwback on Insta:
While Miley went on SNL and said this:
So what’s going on here? Are Katy Perry and Miley merging into one giant technicolor popstar with huge boobs and a weed addiction? Are we perhaps dealing with some kind of Freaky Friday situation? Either way, I can’t wait to get into a relationship again so that it can end and I can finally get the bleach blonde pixie cut of my dreams. I mean, I guess I could do it without the breakup but then what’s the point of racking up all those likes? Just seems wasteful.