Well, the time has come and we’ve (somehow) made it through another summer of blacking out more times than we can count from too much frosé and vodka sodas. The nights are getting colder, as are your hearts, since you know you’ll probs never hear from your summer fling again. Well, maybe just one more random “U up?” text. Although summer has its perks, I’m like, so over feeling repulsive every goddamn day from being in a jam-packed subway with millions of sweating New Yorkers. IDC what you say,
winter has arrived in Westeros I’m rejoicing in fall’s arrival. So with Labor Day weekend approaching, aka the last unofficial weekend of summer, it’s only natural to celebrate with too much alcohol and calorie-loaded drunchies in one hell of an outfit that leaves a lasting impression. Whether you’re *trying* to stay away from hot dogs at a family BBQ, bar-hopping (if you don’t die at the pregame), or chugging sipping on some wine in the Hamptons, here are all the essentials you need to really honor the fact that you’re a hardly hard-working contributing member of society.
Just one last time, wear an obnoxious sun hat to feel like a classy judgmental betch. This may be the last time you step foot on a beach until next summer so this crisp neutral hat is pretty close to being the next best thing. It even has a gingham band which is like, so fall so you’ll look really trendy and can def get away with wearing it again next year.
Every person literally has this shirt or some version of it, but even if you don’t, you were def planning on buying it anyway. Kinda basic, I know, but it’s so versatile and playful that you can really dress up the work vibes it has with your hottest stilettos and fave jeans that hide your muffin top. The off the shoulder look is v flattering on everyone, especially because it’ll show off your summer tan (fake or real, you decide). Plus it has blue and white, which is fitting for a ‘Merica look so you can look a little patriotic for your judgy fam who posts too much shit on Facebook.
Wearing white alone is pretty risky. Wearing white pants and getting away with it is reserved for the true queens. It’s LDW though, so YOLO. Even though no one, except maybe your grandma, follows the “no white after Labor Day” rule, be bold and wear white this weekend if it’s gonna be your last time for a while. (Whatever, those rules aren’t even real.) Opt for a pair of white pants that make you look like a Insta model, aka tall and skinny. These are cropped just above the ankle with frayed hems so your legs will look five miles long.
Long live the block heel. These are the perf transition from work to weekend festivities, with the 3-inch heel making it easier to
stumble walk around in. The neutral brown goes with any of the 20 outfits you’ll try on before deciding, and it’s the best color to ring in the new season. Like you needed an excuse to buy more shoes, though. Since they’re open-toed, you’ll have another chance to show off the last of your summer pedi.
I’m honestly so over chokers rn, so I’m gonna advise you to wear a statement necklace because those are just timeless—at least the ones that don’t look like your mother’s. If you plan on wearing an off the shoulder top (which you should because I said so) or even a high neck style, opt for a chunky necklace to really elevate your look with a bright pop of color. In this case, red is probs best because again, ‘Merica. You can adjust the length of the piece for your liking, but it’ll sit right on your collar so if anything, it kinda feels like the choker you’re used to but without it being a choker. Same thing.
Being an adult is shitty year-round, but it especially blows in the summer when you have to figure out how to dress for work when it’s really hot out. For some reason, every office in the world is fucking freezing, as if air conditioning was invented yesterday and everyone’s fascinated with it. Your options are either to arrive to work with pit stains because you’re dressed for the arctic but it’s 105 degrees outside or to chill with your nipples showing all day because you didn’t dress for the AC. You’re pretty much screwed no matter how you dress, but these tips should help a little. I’m also not even going to try to sell that any better…betches love to complain so being a little bit uncomfortable with the temperature is sometimes kind of fun.
1. Wear Linen Pants
Wearing linen in the summer to stay cool when you have to cover up is like, the oldest trick in the book. It’s probably why linen even exists in the first place. The trick with wearing linen is to look for it in trendy silhouettes, or else you’ll end up looking like Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers or a recently divorced woman who decided to take a year off and do the whole Eat, Pray Love thing. These linen joggers from the Gap are actually super versatile and go with pretty much any kind of shoe you can imagine. (I have a black pair that I’ve already worn like a million times and I usually hate being an outfit repeater.) Plus, they’re available in tall and petite lengths.
GAP cotton-linen utility joggers
2. Switch Denim For Chambray
If you work in an office with a dress code that allows you to wear jeans, try picking up a pair of these chambray pants by Seafolly instead. It’s basically the same look, but chambray is much more lightweight than denim. If you work in an office that forbids jeans, slip a Xanax into your boss’s coffee and tell her to chill the fuck out.
Seafolly chambray beach pant
3. Throw A Sweater Over Your Dress
Every stupid “how to transition your wardrobe” guide that comes out every season of every year tells you to wear a sweater with a dress, so like, I’m sorry about this. It’s pretty much the shittiest advice ever because 90% of the time, you’re going to end up looking like Taylor Swift. To make this look acceptable, ditch the floral sundress and go for something cool that you can wear to happy hour after, like this slip dress from Topshop. Don’t try to get cutesy with the shoes, either. Like, T. Swift would def wear Keds or some shit, so…don’t. Also, make sure to lint roll the cat hair off your sweater first.
P.S. If you’re like a “fashion risk taker” and/or have a secret Tumblr page filled with photos of Kate Moss and Winona Ryder in the 90s, wear the sweater under the slip dress.
Topshop asymmetric hem slip dress
4. Dress Like A Frat Boy
LOL, jk, I’d rather die. You could not pay me to wear Vineyard Vines. However, if you work in an office where you have to wear a suit, listen to the advice I already gave you and wear linen. Obv, most of the linen suiting in this world is fugly and will make you look like your idea of fun is blacking out while playing lawn games with freshman girls. Zara usually has some decent clothes for profesh betches, like this linen blazer, so maybe you check them out.
Zara linen blazer
Or you can try Sears.
5. Wear Cotton
Cotton is another really breathable material, so anything that’s totally made from it should help save you from being known as the sweaty girl at work. (Every office has one and if you think yours doesn’t…it’s you.) You’ve probably seen those ads on TV that are as annoying as a triple text, but The Fabric of Our Lives is actually pretty helpful because it pulls cotton products from all different kinds of stores into one searchable spot. However, even if it’s a fast way to shop a bunch of brands at once, the database probably isn’t updated super frequently, so occasionally, the listed products are sold out. Such a pain in the ass.
But yeah, apparently this Sanctuary bomber is cotton, so you can use it to layer when some asshole cranks up the AC. Also, shoutout to bomber jackets for still being relevant after Forever 21 almost killed them off.
Sanctuary pilot bomber
6. Wear A Longline Cardigan
Longline cardigans are probably the summeriest cardigans in the game, so this metallic version from Nasty Gal is a good layering tool to have. It’s kind of the same idea as the “beach sweater” you convinced your mom you’d need from Abercrombie in middle school, except now you have an actual purpose for it.
Nastygal Something Extra metallic longline cardigan
Look, I know you’re already planning to go out Saturday night but Sunday (yes, this Sunday) is supposed to be all about the OG Betch aka Queen. No, not Beyoncé. Your mom, duh, but Bey comes pretty close. You can’t look like a good daughter while you’re wearing last night’s makeup and reeking of vodka at the brunch table. Get your shit together, Carol!
For the sake of your grandmother’s fragile heart and your mother’s naïve mind, don’t show up to Mother’s Day Brunch wearing an outfit that will make them wonder how many people you’ve slept with (this past week). You should aim to look worthy enough to have afternoon tea with the Queen of England, or at the very least, one of the old ladies your grandma plays Mah-Jongg with. Looking like the poster child for functional mother-daughter relationships will make up for the fact that you probably got your mom a shitty last minute gift (because you didn’t read our gift guide) and/or the fact that you conveniently got her the most extra, least personalized, overpriced Hallmark card you could find.
Your mother most likely deserves her own fucking island as gratitude for all those times she made you and your friends Hump Day treats after school. After all, she’s not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom. (P.S. Take a shot for every person who uses that quote as their Instagram caption this weekend.) But since you can really only afford to get her a candle, the least you can do is not show up to her celebration brunch looking ratchet. Follow our tips to look like the virginal angel you definitely aren’t.
Oversized Straw Hat
Bring out your inner (PG-version) Samantha Jones by wearing an obnoxiously huge sun hat.
^^^ Me wondering why my friends always think I’m so damn extra
Nothing says “brunch” like wearing the floppiest fucking hat you can possibly find. Other than chugging your mimosa every time someone asks if you’ve “settled down” yet, you can now roll your eyes as far back into your head as you want without anyone noticing. This hat is (somehow) rose gold so you don’t even have to suppress your inner basic-ness.
ASOS Oversized Straw Floppy Rose Gold Metallic Hat
Some Sort Of Cute Sundress Or Romper
If you don’t wear a cute sundress, did you even really brunch? Since all you wear is black, wear a colorful dress or romper, preferably with a fun print, to convince the Fam you’re not totally depressed. (Bonus points if you can get one that twirls because, Boomerang, obviously.) Opt for a fit and flare style because you’ll need to hide that bloat by the time brunch is over and look good on
Selfie Leslie One-Shoulder Dress
Even though you probs wear chokers to work now, leave it at home on Sunday because your grandma doesn’t need to know you’re low-key into BDSM. Swap out your black velvet choker for a big statement necklace full of pink, sugar, spice, and everything nice. Everyone will be admiring it so much they won’t even notice you secretly drinking them under the table.
Matilde Floral Necklace Set
Semi-Low Neutral Wedges
You will probably be the only inappropriately drunk person at the table, so it’s imperative you wear shoes you can walk in by the time you leave. Honestly, we all know day drinking = blacking out by noon, so as long as you’re not snapping your ankles every time you try to walk, you’re good.
Find neutral colored wedges that will go with anything you decide to wear. The smaller the wedge, the better for you—and the less snide comments you’ll get from your mom about how you’re “not her daughter” because she “could never walk in those heels”. Aim for a pair that has a “business in the front, party in the back” vibe. For example, wedges that lace up in the front and zip up in the back means you can literally kick them off when you get home and pass out.
Jeffrey Campbell Rayos Perforated Wedge Sandal
If you can get through brunch without throwing up in your purse or getting lectured about your drinking problem, congratulations. Your mom probably doesn’t think you’re a mistake anymore.