Everything I am (which isn’t much, but let’s not get sidetracked) is a direct product of the 90s. Ah, yes, it was a simpler time then. Nobody questioned the life-size cardboard cutout of Nick Carter at my 9th birthday party, I never had a bad hair day—shouts out to butterfly clips—and I could stalk all my boyfriends with a simple *69 phone call. But the best part? Disney Princess movies. Take me back to the good old days of binge watching The Little Mermaid six consecutive times, taking breaks for water only when absolutely necessary. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the princesses. Maybe it’s because Hollywood was finally sick of torturing us and finally blessed us with the movie we’ve been waiting our whole lives for: a live action Beauty And The Beast. Or maybe Disney’s on my mind because I can’t stop thinking about the princess swimsuit line we were just hit with. I blame lingering daddy issues. Looking past that minor bump in the road, the Disney princesses’ style taught me everything I know about looking hot. I can only hope one day I’ll be hot enough to literally not talk/be asleep for my entire two-hour feature film and have a husband by the end. Preferably someone with royalty in the blood. And a fat inheritance. Also, over six feet. Idk, I’m not picky. Each princess has her strengths, and we know we couldn’t be here without help from all. So let’s celebrate the style lessons we learned from the Disney princesses.
Cinderella, OG betch princess we know and love, stressed the importance of staying home when your outfit is super average. What did Cindy do when all she had to wear were some last season rags? Not go to any balls, no matter how lit, that’s for sure! Her heels were custom-made, which is always a plus. And it’s super betchy that her feet were so small. The best lesson Cinderella taught us? When you’re hot, guys wanna hook up with you. But the trick to keeping it going is to leave something “accidentally” at his place. You mean to tell me that shoe slipped off? Respect.
I wish I looked so peaceful when I slept that people called me Sleeping Beauty, rather than what they actually call me, which is, “Is This Bitch All Right?”. I’ll pass out heavily intoxicated, half-naked, honestly not sure if I’ll see another morning. This bitch def gets a better night sleep than me, clocking in way over the recommended 8 hours. Beauty sleep is everything. That’s why she has no wrinkles. Science, bitch. I also read that she was Corinne’s direct mentor/ultimate inspiration. Two women we could all learn a thing or two from.
3. Snow White
Literally the hottest in the game, as declared by a talking mirror, Snow White definitely didn’t go for a natural look to claim that title. Betch would wear a red lip to breakfast. (Me after any night out.) But her makeup was always on point, proving you can never go wrong with a bold lip and a little blush.
Ariel kept herself in shape, knowing it’s always bikini season. In a fool-proof plan, she lets her bod do the talking and avoids saying something too clingy early on. Or saying something at all. Works like a charm. And you know that bitch wasn’t achieving such perfect hair with just a fucking fork—there had to have been some serious water-protecting serum action going on behind the scenes. Otherwise there’s no way she would have been such a hot ginger. Unlike others. See below.
Pass. Pass. Pass. No. Code Red. Literally. Does Scotland have any mirrors? I’m confused. I need you to deep condition, like, yesterday. Color in your brows and throw some mascara on, girl. Why do you look like an unraveled ball of yarn? Does everyone who plays archery look like this? Can you “play” archery? Tune in next week to find out.
Many say Belle’s gown inspired Beyoncé’s Lemonade. The yellow was a great move for her complexion, take notes. Also, major props to Belle for keeping up her personal appearance even when she was like locked in an old enchanted castle. Goes to show, you should always look good no matter where you are or who you’re being held against your will by. You just might run into, oh I don’t know, let’s say an old bae, or maybe a beast that will actually transform into a hot prince capable of
having sex with marrying you making you rich.
We need to collectively praise Jasmine once again for introducing the world to the crop top and bared midriff look. If my waist was approximately one-half the width of my boyfriend’s arm and my shoulders were more sculpted than Michelle Obama’s, I would want to wear as minimal clothing as possible, too.
Mulan literally threw away everything that made her hot, chopped off her hair and started dressing in her dad’s clothes. This is a no from me. I know, I know, there’s some deeper meaning here about going against society and bucking gender norms and shit, but now is not the time or the place to get into that. Like, this bitch got so upset looking at herself with makeup on that she went and sang a song about it. Like, what? You just got a free makeover and you’re mad about it?! 0 lessons from Mulan, bye.
I’d like to take this time and thank Pocahontas for teaching my young betchy self all about the free spirit look. While many falsely accredit Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for the rise of boho vibes, those people are forgetting it was first our girl Pocahontas who was running around bronzed, barefoot, and in lots of suede/fringe. Can anyone really prove if Coachella would be here today if it weren’t for Pocahontas? Didn’t think so.
Rapunzel teaches betches what many of us who’ve secretly been bleaching our hair have known for years: that having long, blonde hair will give you all the power you could ever want in life. Keep seeing your colorist and keep popping Biotin supplements/Sugar Bear hair gummies like they’re
candy Adderall. Unfortunately, Rapunzel cuts all her hair (and actual magical powers) off in favor of a gross, mousy brown pixie cut “for love” or some shit—demonstrating that while there are plenty of girls who let themselves go the second they enter in a new relationship, you should never be one of those girls.
Channel your inner princess this weekend for maximum hotness. Just as long as we avoid the bathing suits. Never the bathing suits. Still shook.