A betch loves shopping more than she does most people and some dogs. But going to an actual store means potentially falling in love with an article of clothing you aren’t sure will fit. So, you’re going to either buy it anyway, hope for the best and if it doesn’t make you look skinnier fit, return it or, you’ll just enter the dreaded fitting room. Both options are fucking awful, but the first is def out of the question because like, tbh we’re lazy. This is why online shopping > going to a physical store, ever. Trying shit on isn’t always traumatizing unless it’s one of two things: a bathing suit or pair of jeans. Bathing suit season is done and over with because well, it’s August and fall is just around the corner (sorry, again) so jeans are the next ones up. No two jean sizes are apparently ever the same so trying them on, hoping they make your ass look good and your waist smaller is like, nearly impossible. Here’s where I save the day (as usual) and save you from all that trouble. Here are the best jeans for your body type that make you look good af.
If You Have A Long Torso, Try…
Even if you’re not super tall, you can just have a long torso that makes trying on jeans dreadful. You don’t want to look like fucking Steve Urkel. To flatter your torso and make you v skinny, you’ll want to find a pair of really high waisted jeans. These will elongate your legs, flatter your torso, and still sit comfortably on your hips so you don’t feel and look hella awkward.
If You’re On The Shorter Side, Try…
If you’re 5-foot-something, your jean struggle is finding a pair that won’t sag every time you walk, or finding the right length so you’re not tripping over your own two feet. Hi, welcome to my life. My go-to style are jeans that run mid- to low-rise on my hips. They make me look semi skinny taller and still sit right on top of my ankle. This distressed pair comes in the boyfriend fit so they’re super trendy, comfortable, and hug your waist just enough so you don’t find yourself pulling them up every five seconds.
If You Don’t Have An Ass, Try…
I really have to thank my homegirl Fergie for changing my life aka making me love my ass in jeans again. It was in that iconic song, “My Humps,” where she said her ass is loved in True Religion jeans. Bless. If you have nothing in your trunk, you want to find jeans that have detailing on the back pockets to add more dimension. Any shading kind of works as your fave highlighter by illuminating your cheeks and making them pop. Bonus points if they’re also mid- or high-rise because they go a little tighter on your waist, making you have the perf hourglass figure.
If You’re Really Tall, Try…
The worst part of being tall and finding a new pair of jeans is finding a pair that doesn’t leave an awkward gap showing your ankle. The best solution is a style that widens out at the bottom like bootcut or flare, so they’re guaranteed to stay long enough to sit right on top of your foot like a normal pair of jeans should. These come in a slim fit that flatter your waist (so like, make you skinnier) and comfortably fit around your thigh since they flare at the knee. If you’re looking for something to change your life, this is it.
If You Got A Big Booty, Try…
If you got a big booty and you know it, sometimes finding a pair to simply zip up without blocking your airways is like, kind of a big deal. To enhance your curves, find a high rise skinny jean to accentuate your lower half. A dark wash with light sanding will give you the perf body shape illusion and still allow you to breathe at the end of the day. Khloé literally came up with this line because she couldn’t find a pair to fit her and her fake Kardashian booty comfortably so you know these will def fit like no other.
I have seen a lot of disturbing shit go down in 2017, like Blac Chyna’s nipples posted on my morning newsfeed and people trying to make
just sucked dick lips snogged lips happen. But nothing is more disturbing to me than what teenagers with an Instagram account are doing to their eyebrows. I mean, barbed wire eyebrows? Fucking BROW carving? Lord, Jesus, why must you test me with the extraness? It’s like people are just asking for me to report their Instagram selfies as offensive images to Instagram HQ. Sighs. Like, don’t these kids know that eyebrows are sacred and a part of me that I only share with my most trusted allies the person I pay way too much to craft my brows into a basic shape?? Fucking youths. And look, I too have come a long way in the eyebrow department since the current eyebrow trend. I can’t just vaguely gesture to my face when I talk to my brow girl anymore. No, I have to have some sort of a plan. Considering that, honestly, my skills stretch about as far as knowing the best wine for under $12 and how to alienate people with my dark sense of humor, figuring out the best brow look for me took some Googling extensive research. If you, like me, have no fucking clue what your face shape is, much less what kind of eyebrow structure will go good with it, then you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a guide on how to make your eyebrows look better than your Labor Day Weekend beach body based on your face shape:
Oval faces resemble an upside-down egg, and if you’re still unsure as to if that description fits your facial structure then I suggest holding up an egg to your face in a mirror for a side-by-side comparison. Then Snap me that entire journey of self-reflection. I could use a
good laugh at another person’s expense win today, thx. Your best brow look is going to be a slightly arched brow. It’s a simple, yet classic look and it’ll match the perfect proportions of your face shape, you lucky bitch. Make sure the arch of your eyebrow begins two thirds of the way out. And DO NOT put the arch in the middle of your brow lest you end up with McDonald’s golden arches on your face. That said, I’m just going to leave this cautionary message here:
If your face is equally long as it is wide then congratulations, you have a square-shaped face. The good news is your face has got angles for days and I wouldn’t be surprised if you think you’re a model on Instagram. The bad news is even though your bone structure is on point, you can’t get batshit with your brow game. You’ll want to go for a softer, rounded brow so as to soften the lines of your face. Let’s not forget the depressing tale of this “Obamacare victim” (lol) who was definitely actually a victim of some very bad brow advice:
If you’re looking for a celeb comparison for this one, think Kourtney Kardashian. Heart-shaped faces tend to have a widow’s peak, their cheeks are wider than their hairline, and their chin is narrow AF. Again, even though bold brows are in, you’ll want to cool it with your extraness lest you scare children away with your eyebrows. A well-groomed brow is your go-to brow as it will balance out your petite jawline and emphasis the upper half of your face. The goal here is to create a shape that’s controlled, but you don’t want your brows to be thinner than my will to live or Sandy Cohen bushy. It’s a fine line you must walk so good fucking luck with it.
We’ll pray for you, Sethelah.
You’re probs that friend who always gets carded at bars and isn’t allowed to try the free samples at Costco without a parent present thanks to the psychopaths who run the free samples booth who just assume you are a child. *takes slow, calming breath* Congratulations because you, my friend, have a
baby face round-shaped face. Because you have no angles or definition to your face, a high arch is the perfect brow shape for you. It’ll make you look like you actually have a bone structure and maybe those tyrants at Costco will finally let you have a free sample. PRAISE.
^^Actual footage of me trying to get a free sample at Costco
Diamond-shaped faces are unique AF. The hairline is more narrow than the cheeks and the chin is slightly pointed, giving these blessed people all sorts of fun angles to work with in their selfies. If it sounds like you might have a diamond-shaped face then I recommend a curved or rounded brow shape. It’ll make the widest part of your face look less wide and create a sense of balance and symmetry.
READ: What Guys Really Think Of Your Eyebrows
We’re in full summer mode rn which means that every girl with an Instagram is trying to out-slut be beachier than their friend with more followers. Unless you’re me and the thought of leaving your house to venture through a 90 degree wasteland Brooklyn and brave the J train for a beach that every human in New York is trying to get to too literally makes you want to jump into oncoming traffic. Then you’re just going to have to fake it. Like I do with most everything in my life. And the best way to fake living your best beach life is to perfect the beachy wave hair trend. Groundbreaking, I know.
And if you’re sitting there thinking “this is stupid, the beach is so fun. Just go outside and let the saltwater do it’s thing” then clearly you don’t understand what happens to me when I encounter Mother Nature.
Yeah. Shit’s not pretty, is it? So let’s move on from the idea of actually going outside and doing things. Unless there’s alcohol involved, then I’m on board. The good thing about beachy waves is that it takes minimal effort to complete the look. Like, less effort than the “u up” text your boyfriend Tinder hook-up/temporary lapse in judgment sent you last night. So you know I’m in. Anyways, here’s everything you need to know to get perfect beach waves without ever going outside. Let’s get started, shall we?
The other good thing about beachy waves is that you probs already have all the materials you need to accomplish this look, which is good because my lazy ass would have just disregarded the steps that included the products I didn’t have. I should add “problem solving” to my resume. So here’s what you need: sectioning clips (or a hair tie if you’re desperate), a lightweight mousse like OUAI Soft Mousse, a curling iron and/or wand, and a texturizing spray like Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast.
Apply a lightweight mousse to your wet hair and then let air dry. While you’re air-drying drink a glass of wine, watch a movie, call your boyfriend 20 times until he picks up and when he doesn’t start a new relationship on Bumble. Relax.
This is where those section clips and/or the hair tie you found on the floor comes in. There’s conflicting information about how exactly to section off your hair, some say to do it in thirds while others say to “section hair horizontally from the bottom to the top of your head” but tbh this all sounds like more work than I’m willing to put into this. I’m just gonna go with what feels right. Should be interesting.
Now it’s time to curl your hair. If you’re like me and your hair doesn’t do shit is straight or fine, use a .75-inch barrel to curl your hair. For curly hair use a 1.25-inch barrel and if you haven’t understood your hair type since middle school then use a one-inch barrel just to be safe. Now, twist your hair around the barrel. Make sure to leave the ends of your hair out for a more lived-in, I-am-so-fucking-nauti wave. Repeat this process but alternate curling the sections in different directions to create a messier texture. The front of your head is where you’re probs gonna fuck up the most. The key here is to curl your strands away from your face so as to highlight your best asset aka your face. I know it sounds like literal anarchy but your hair will actually look v v good by the end of all this.
The last step is to add in some extra texture so it looks less like you spent the day at home on your couch curling your hair and watching old episodes of The Office and more like you were out in the world actually living your life. Ew. Spray your roots and strands with a texturizing or volumizing spray and then finger comb through your hair to tousle the waves.
Congratulations, you now look like an off-brand Blake Lively—and all without leaving the confines of your home. It’s really the little things.
White is summer’s official color for many reasons: one being that I said so, and two, because it’s bright, crisp, and refreshing for hot weather. If worn correctly, it doesn’t necessarily always make you look fat, I swear. Wearing white kind of fools everyone into thinking you are classy, possibly as smart as a doctor, and bold AF because wearing white is like, taking a major social risk. If you plan on wearing white pants and drinking anything that isn’t clear, good fucking luck not making it look like you peed or got your period at the worst time possible. And if you wear them while riding the crimson wave, you must honestly be Beyoncé. Since we’re already halfway through the summer (sorry for bringing it up), you might as well wear white while you can before the temperature drops and your wardrobe morphs into all black everything. How fitting. These sleek AF white pieces are worthy of outfit repeating before we all get depressed that summer’s over so like, get them now.
1. NBD x Revolve Seduire Bodysuit
I’m not even kidding when I say I wear my white bodysuit more times than I can count, and each time, I still get an overwhelming amount of likes that really boost my self-confidence. This really fucking cute bodysuit features an off-the-shoulder fit (an obvious summer fashion staple) and bell sleeves for an effortless touch. You can wear it with your fave mini skirt or dark high waisted jeans to bring out your fresh tan.
2. Free People Turismo Wrap Dress
I wish I could tell you that wearing a LWD makes you somewhat more innocent and sweeter but all it will do is make you look like such at a family BBQ, and appear slightly more tan than you really are in all of your Instas. Regardless, owning a white dress is as essential as your LBD for tropical vacays and summer nights out on the town.
3. Tibi Jane Cropped Bootcut Pant
Anything that I can get the most out of is a winner in my book. Although wearing white pants is most likely not your first choice, a perfect pair such as these are ideal for days you want to shop until you can’t hold any more bags, or for when you strive to be the most fashionable employee in your office. Pair with pumps and a striped bardot top, and you won’t regret wearing white pants again.
4. Rebecca Minkoff Stevia Skort
Similar to white pants, a classy white skirt is really underrated. With the right block heels, your legs will look as long and tan as ever so maybe you’ll be mistaken for some low-key model. This secret skort (because middle school is fashion) laces up the side while hugging your waist for the skinny illusion you’ve been dying to have for the past month.
5. Pixie Mood Jane Wallet Crossbody
The best kind of purchases are when you get 2-in-1, fucking obviously. This white cork-accented crossbody reminds me of all that is good in life—summer, simplicity, and rosé that I need stat. Make this your new going out bag for taking only the important shit you need. White goes with just about any color so if you need to throw this in something a little bigger, take off the straps and there you go. A brand new wallet, too.
6. Alexandre Birman Clarita Jeweled Leather Block Heel Sandals
The limit does not exist for the number of pairs of block heels you can own. Having a bedazzled crisp white pair is a must-have this season. You can strut these to all of the weddings you don’t have a date for yet, or just wear with your fave jeans and comfiest T-shirt for running errands. This way, everyone knows you still look hot when grocery shopping at Whole Foods.