There a few things I hate more than douchebags wearing a giant sign on their head that says they are a douchebag. By sign, I, of course, mean big stupid hats that makes you look like a douchebag. In LA, there are bars that will not let you in if you’re wearing a stupid hat (and/or sandals). These hats below are why. And look, I am PRO hat. I have a car hat that I leave in my car to keep the dreaded California sunshine from barbecuing my ghostly complexion when I’m stuck in a four hour traffic jam. Which happens weekly. And sometimes it’s even longer if some asshole decided to die on the 101, because motorcycles should not be allowed to weave between cars on the freeway. My point is there is a time and a place to wear a hat. If done correctly, you will look chic af. Just do not wear stupid hats like these.
1. That Pageboy Cap All ~Artsy~ People Wear
I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate these fucking hats. Are you in Newsies? No? DO NOT WEAR THIS HAT. It doesn’t look artsy, it looks like you’re trying super hard to look artsy, which is just really sad. It’s like writers who can’t write without everyone watching them write in a coffee shop. Just shut up and actually do some fucking art if you want to look artsy. Otherwise, leave these hats in the garbage. They are not even flattering and clash with everything you’ll wear anyway.
This looks almost the exact same as the horrible pageboy hats. Guess what, Urban Outfitters? You can’t call it something else and make it cool. Also, are you a 60-year-old overweight white male that enjoys sitting next to a swamp all day fishing? No? Then do not fucking dress like one.
If you’re at the beach in Cabo, sipping a skinny margarita in a lounge chair with your giant floppy sun hat shielding your delicate face and shoulders, then you are chic af and you are doing it right. Samantha Jones’s ridiculously huge sun hat from the Sex and the City movie: also chic af, and I’ll allow it. Otherwise, calm the fuck down, Pharrell Williams, hats should not come in giant. Pharrell writes literally everything in the music industry that isn’t written by Taylor Swift, and he still looks like a douchebag in his huge hat. Don’t touch anything that looks like this with a 10-foot pole, and that includes any douchey guy wearing a giant hat, too.
You’re not French, you fucktard. And even if you are, if you’re not physically in France sipping a cappuccino at a chic little cafe wearing all black, while writing poetry, you have no business wearing a beret. You look like a moron AND it is not flattering.
These hats were soooo cool when I shopped at Limited Too. In 1998. 20 fucking years ago. Even ScHoolboy Q couldn’t bring back the bucket hat, so you most definitely don’t have the swag or street cred to even try. This is a horrible trend, Miranda from Lizzie McGuire, and we know how things ended up for her.