One of life’s great mysteries is why anyone would strike up an unsolicited convo with someone they don’t know. It’s hard enough having the energy to be (somewhat) polite to the people we do know, which is why most of the time we don’t even do that. Avoiding talking to strangers is why cell phones were invented, and before that, why people just stared at the wall rather than share commentary about the weather with some rando they’ll never see again. It’s basically part of How To a Be Normal Person 101.
Of course there are still many people who don’t understand this, and they’ve now made it onto our official shit list of the worst kinds of talkative strangers. We hope you enjoy it, but mostly we hope it makes them STFU.
1. The Elevator Small Talker
This is the person who can’t share a confined space for 10 seconds without blurting out some awkward joke and trying to make eye contact the entire time. It’s absurd because there’s barely enough time to register the fact that they’re speaking, let alone give any type of response. That’s why you should never indulge these small talkers other than by giving them the finger as you walk out of the elevator.
2. The Uber Driver Who Apparently Hasn’t Talked to a Human in Years
We’ve all had that Uber driver who tries to start a conversation from the moment you get in the vehicle to the second you leave. They’re fascinated by where you’re from, where you’re going and everything else about you. Too fascinated. The only explanation is that they’ve just escaped living on a desert island and you’re their first lucky passenger.
3. The Overzealous Waiter
We get it bro, you work for tips. That doesn’t mean you need to be a comedian or my best friend. In fact, the longer you stand there introducing yourself and every nickname you’ve had since you were five, the longer I’m waiting for my martini. Chop. Chop.
4. The Airplane Passenger Turned Travel Partner
Some people understand that airplane seats are chosen at random. Others believe that whoever is seated next to them has been fated to be their flying buddy and endure their life story over the next few hours that they’re sitting together. Depending on how long the flight is, this could very well ruin your entire vacation.
5. The Nosy Cashier
If I walk into a drugstore at 10am on Sunday and purchase three bottles of Gatorade, Plan B, cigarettes, and a copy of the Holy Bible, the LAST thing I want to hear from the cashier is “Ha ha rough night??” TG for self-checkout; I hope I never have to deal with another cashier in my life.
6. The Sad Stranger Who Needs A Therapist
These people appear all over the place and they’ll jump at the chance to tell you how bad their day has been. They’ll say things like “This was the last thing I needed” after the train gets delayed 15 minutes, and will look at you with their sad eyes trying to unload their drama for as long as you’ll let them. Usually it’s best to say “Yikes” or just give them a pointed look and return to checking Facebook because you don’t need that extra baggage in your life.
7. The Yuppie Douche Always Trying To Network
I get that everyone has to network at some point to be successful, but there’s a time and a place. Drinking at a party is not one of them, and the last thing I want to do while getting wasted is to discuss all our mutual friends that went to Michigan for three hours, or even worse, how your new startup is going. Hard pass. Put your business card away; I do not want that shit.
8. The Friend Of A Guy Who Wants To Hit On You
Is there anything more annoying than a toolish dude sidling up to you only to point to “his friend over there” who thinks you’re really cute? He’ll then call his friend over as if to say “look it’s not that hard!” But it is that hard because I’ve already walked away 10 minutes ago.