Growing up a closet case in the suburbs of Albany, NY I never dreamed that one day I would be an authority on eyebrows, but fortunately for both of us I got out of there and now have brows that will make me look like the missing Kardashian-Jenner. Straight men pretend not to care about anything because they’re generally terrible, but in truth, they’re noticing your eyebrows. It’s literally impossible not to, they’re on your face and that’s where men look when they’re pretending they’re not just waiting to see you naked or like they care about what’s happening to your reproductive rights. As a gay man, I am able to walk in both worlds. I am the darkness, and the light. I speak man, and I speak betch. I am bilingual, and homosexual. And lucky for you I am because I spent my entire day (okay 15 minutes) asking straight men their opinions on eyebrows, and now I will translate them for you. The whole experience was exhausting so please excuse me while I go casually steal a cocktail from the bar where I “work”…
“Bold Brows Are For Drag Queens”
Now I’ve never waxed my brows in fear of looking like Samantha in that episode of Sex and the City where she has a chemical peel before Carrie’s book release party—that and the fact that waxed brows are literally never good. Why are you doing that? It’s not your middle school dance; you’re a grown-ass betch and it’s time to treat your eyebrows like the gifts they are. In my opinion the best brow is a bold one. Now our little friends (straight men) may disagree. Take Dan for example. Dan is a friend of mine because I’m a kind person. His take on bold brows is “it’s too drag queen-y.” While drag queens do often have some far-out brows, people fucking notice them and that’s literally all that matters. We’re not trying to blend in, We’re trying to be peacocks among fucking pigeons, betch—so if you have to draw your brow in loosen the purse strings, buy a decent eyebrow pencil and march down 5th avenue like you’re Beyoncé at the superbowl. Also Dan’s actually stupid and can’t handle a woman that outshines him.
“Natural Brows Look Like, Nice”
While my opinions on a bold brow are strong, and I can’t say enough that eyebrow pencils should replace no. 2’s in elementary schools worldwide so people can learn skills that actually matter, I can appreciate that not everyone’s face can handle such a dramatic look and some people prefer a lighter, natural brow. (Idiots.)
Not drawn in, sometimes not even plucked. Maybe you have a little bit of a uni, that’s okay love yourself, be yourself. However, Kyle, a friend of a friend who tagged along to get drinks (kill me) suggests “I feel like natural brows just look like, nice. Like, I feel like that girl looks nice.” He’s referring to a picture of fucking Adele whose eyebrows are sculpted to shit, just not dark. “That’s Adele,” I reply, my eyes rolling literally back into my head. “Oh well, she looks nice…” I pretend Kyle doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening and also probably forever. Fuckboys don’t understand brows and they never fucking will.
Nathan, a friend from work once asked another co-worker Maisie how come her eyebrows were red. Naturally, Maisie had just come from getting her eyebrows threaded. Nathan asked, “what’s that mean?” Trump is President and Nathan doesn’t know what fucking eyebrow threading is so welcome to hell, enjoy the ride. Eyebrow threading is the only way to go. It’s quick, it’s cheap, and you don’t look too sculpted. Nothing’s worse than getting too much taken off and having to fill in—not to mention, if it rains you’re fucked. There’s so many threading places all over the place now, the expensive ones still run you under $10. You spend five times that amount on vodka sodas at happy hour so don’t even tell me you can’t afford it.
If you’re wasting time doing pointless things like going to the gym or showering in the morning stop being so rigid and do your brows. Finally, make sure you’re plucking strays and casually penciling in every morning (literally nobody has ever noticed I pencil in). Just two minutes a day can be the difference between being Zendaya and Helga Pataki.
Conclusion: Guys Don’t Know Shit About Eyebrows
Okay so at this point you’re probably wondering, “Why the fuck would I listen to a straight guy’s opinion on my eyebrows? They don’t fucking know anything!” And guess what…you’re right! This whole thing was a trick! I incepted you, and it worked. Your brows are for you and nobody else. Besides, when was the last time a straight guy knew what he wanted? It’s always up to us to show them that shit anyway. Oh, you don’t like The Bachelor? *puts on an episode* Hmm seems like now you do. You’re welcome, straight guys. You’re welcome, betches. Now, back to my
stolen hard-earned cocktail.