Guys, I’m about to make your bank account (or your dad’s, whatever) hate me even more than it already does. Steve Madden is having an insane fucking sale. If you don’t already dream of owning every single pair of boots, you’ll for sure be adding them to your cart by the time you’re done reading this paragraph. I know, I’m a good fucking person. From now through Friday (yes, as in tomorrow), take an extra 40 percent off of already reduced Steve Madden women’s boots. And like, okay, wait—It gets better. When you buy with Spring (side note: they also have a free app), you get free shipping, free returns, ~and~ cash back. A little louder for the people in the back, please. All bullshit aside, here are 6 pairs from the Steve Madden sale to get you started.
If you don’t own a pair of little black boots, I’m just going to assume you live in the middle of Nowheresville. With sock booties being all the rage this fall, the Wagner style comes in pretty damn close with its stiletto heel, pointed toe, and patent surface. Pair with your most fave jeans for an outfit that looks like it cost you a lot more effort than it actually did.
Just because everything looks better in black doesn’t mean we should ignore the like, 10 million other colors that exist. Like, taupe is the classier, hotter version of boring-ass brown. Featuring trendy dipped sides that you can pair with sexy socks (fishnets, anyone?), this all-suede block heel comes with a heel that’s slightly under 4 inches, so you can walk miles without bitching the entire time.
Despite what you think, punk-glam is totally a thing and yes, it’s doable so long as you don’t turn it into 2002 Avril Lavigne. The studded style is basically your average black bootie that you probs wear with every single one of your outfits, but like, edgier and definitely ready to take more tequila shots. And since you’ll be buying it during the Steve Madden sale, you won’t even feel bad that these are not like, the most practical.
It’s cuter than your basic bitch riding boot, but still versatile enough to match with comfy leggings or fitted jeans. You’ll def enjoy taking turns with the chestnut brown, so you don’t become a shoe repeater—which may or may not be worse than an outfit repeater.
In case you live under a rock or refuse to get cable at this point because you’re just stubborn (and cheap) AF (hello, it’s me), we’ve been getting swamped with hella snowstorms that are neither cute nor fun. It doesn’t help that they fuck up our favorite shoes and hair. YOU CAN’T GET BOTH, MOTHER NATURE. Use the Steve Madden sale to avail yourself of cute snow boots you actually like, aka these chic fleece-lined rubber boots.
Everyone needs at least one pair of OTK boots and make them black, fucking duh. They make your legs look like, 5 miles long, your entire frame look thinner, and you appear taller without making your feet cry out in pain. Plus they’re worth a shit ton of likes so you can literally wear them
on the walk of shame with sweatpants and still get compliments.
Images: Kaci Baum / Unsplash; Spring (6)
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It’s no secret that most betches aren’t like… amazing at budgeting their money. But like, who can really blame you? You suck at cooking, but pretend to be vaguely health conscious, so a lot of your money goes towards kind of expensive salads. (How much are salads even supposed to be? I genuinely have no idea, but every time I buy a salad, I’m like “Wait, that felt kind of overpriced.”) Betches are a really interesting demographic financially, because like, you’ll swipe your card for a $200 pair of jeans that make your butt look dope without blinking, but your Google search history includes things like “Will cheap alcohol make me drunk faster?” and “Does generic Plan B work?” What, you Googled that for your roommate? Right.
Anyway, I’m obviously not a financial expert or anything, but I’m a self-proclaimed shopping expert, so I feel like it’s my duty to help you out here. Actually, I don’t think I should even go as far as to say that I’m a self-proclaimed expert. I think I just like hearing myself talk. But yeah, there’s tons of shit you just straight up shouldn’t be buying and I’m here to save you from that. Here are five things you should literally never buy.
1. Fake Gucci Loafers
Steve Madden just released about a million pairs of shoes that are straight rip-offs of the Gucci Princetown Loafer Mule. At $80, these loafers are pretty much just a glorified knockoff, but they’re produced by a brand you’re familiar with so you don’t have to go into some creepy stockroom on Canal Street to get them.
I’m not telling you to splurge on the $800 Gucci shoes and I’m definitely not bashing fast fashion. Stores like Zara and H&M are awesome for picking up inexpensive clothing that evokes a similar-looking vibe to high-end designs. However, the line between being inspired by luxury fashion and blatantly ripping it off is so fine, my Kat Von D liquid eyeliner couldn’t draw it. These shoes are honestly such a scam, buying them is basically one step away from wiring money to the guy from Nigeria emailing you to send him money because his funds are tied up in Europe. There are so many other styles of inexpensive, non-tacky shoes in the world to choose from. You have literally no reason to purchase these, ever.
2. Designer Headphones
I have a lot of unpopular opinions regarding Lilly Pulitzer that I’ll either keep to myself or save for a later date (quick preview: I think wearing boxy tunics covered in a neon seashell print is the dumbest shit you can do), but in regards to this list, do not buy Lilly Pulitzer, or any other designer ear buds. They’re pretty much the crappy ear buds that came with your iPod touch a million years ago, but with a design that might make them easier to describe when you undeniably leave them at the gym in two weeks and ask the guy at the front desk if he’s seen them.
Beats by Dr. Dre has $100 in-ear headphones that you should probably just spring for. Sure, they’re $80 more and don’t have a floral design (which seems like a plus to me, but no judgement), but by the time you’ve gone through a few pairs of shitty headphones, you’ll have wished you just bought these instead.
3. Expensive, Trendy Sunglasses
You know how they say you should try to keep a plant alive before you get a dog? And that you should learn to take care of a pet before you have kids? Well, I say screw all of that and buy yourself a pair of expensive sunglasses if you want to know how responsible you really are. Plot spoiler: You’re irresponsible AF and might as well just spent that $200 on Candy Crush lives because it’ll last way longer.
You should definitely buy designer sunglasses if you like, HAVE to have a particular design or know that you’ll be able to hold onto them for a while. For example, Ray Ban Wayfarers are a good idea, because they’re a classic style and you can spot a knock-off from a mile away. However, if you’re just looking for a pair of glasses that look like something you saw on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat, it’s not really worth it to spend a lot. There’s really no point in getting Illesteva glasses when you can get a pair that looks exactly like them literally anywhere else for less, because they’re probably just a fad that you’ll forget about when you watch Kylie’s story tomorrow and she’s wearing yet another pair. (And if it sounds like I’m contradicting myself on what I said about the faux Guccis, give it another read. The point is to find something similar, not a total knockoff.)
4. Tacky Phone Cases
I get it. You’ve been in line at Forever 21 for 15 long minutes and are trying to decide if the $6 choker you’re about to get is even worth it. The bins by the counter, which are actually just strategically placed black holes, are starting to look appealing. You take a look through and find a glitter phone case, and it’s less than $10 so you decide to get it.
Unless you want your life to be ruined, you should absolutely put that tacky phone case down. There’s a 0% chance it’ll save your phone during your next bender. All of the junky phone cases in the world aren’t worth a scratch on the most valuable 4.7 inches of property you own (aka, your phone screen). The only thing more brutal than having a shattered phone screen is having to pay to get it fixed, so just be a decent human being and buy a legitimate phone case, like perhaps one from Shop Betches.
5. Cheap Watches
In case you haven’t noticed, nobody really needs watches anymore because we’re just always on our phones, which also tell the time if you didn’t realize. Also, manually changing the time on something when Daylight Saving Time happens is such a buzzkill. Yes I know that doesn’t happen very frequently, but of the watches I own, none of them have ever been changed with Daylight Saving Time. It’s just like, too much work for my busy lifestyle.
Anyway, don’t spend money on dumb cheap watches. They’ll probably turn your wrist green, or break or something. Who needs a crappy watch to tell them what time it is when you have your Uber driver constantly calling you to tell you he’s been waiting outside for five minutes and is about to dip out?