Although the last episode of The Office aired nearly five years ago, the series is still basically the most important thing in all of our lives. This show is probably the only reason any of us keep paying for Netflix (or, more accurately, keep praying that our exes don’t change their Netflix passwords). In a continued effort to keep Dunder Mifflin relevant in our horrible, paperless world, I’ve decided to create a guide to finding which The Office character you are based on your zodiac sign. I mean, a girl can only cry over Jim proposing at a gas station so many times before it’s considered pathetic, so I really wrote these Office horoscopes more for myself than any of you.
Aries – Phyllis Vance
If you’re an Aries, you’re totally a Phyllis. You’re super organized and hardworking, so like, you’d definitely be on Dunder Mifflin’s party planning committee. Although you like to be helpful, you also don’t take shit from anyone. Phyllis loves to call a bitch out—remember the iconic “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout”? One of the most savage clap-backs of all time.
Taurus – Jan Levinson
Tauruses have a reputation for being bossy, so sorry to break it to you, but you’re all Jan Levinsons. It’s also not uncommon for a Taurus to hate puns, aka every word that comes out of Michael Scott’s mouth. Like Tauruses, Jan still loves to get lit even though she’s a professional. Like, you’d all hook up with Michael, but wouldn’t ever want anyone to know.
Gemini – Jim Halpert
Has anyone ever embodied the Gemini spirit quite like Jim Halpert? He’s like, half sarcastic fuckboy and half hardworking dream husband all in one. Because they get bored easily, Geminis love to think outside the box, are pretty funny, and love acting, which is like, the recipe for the ultimate prankster.
Cancer – Angela Martin
Around coworkers, Cancers like to stay private and are known for being modest. If that doesn’t sound like Angela and her collection of cotton turtlenecks from the American Girl Doll store, I don’t know what does. Like Angela, Cancers get the job done, but really just want to be left alone in their crabby little shells. Sorry, but you’re all basically born to be cat ladies.
Leo – Kelly Kapoor
Kelly Kapoor is confident that she’s one of the few people who looks good eating a cupcake, and that might just be the most Leo shit ever. Kelly loves having a good time as much as she loves her new haircut, but she’s also v ambitious and a good friend. She’s also like, extremely enthusiastic about most of the things that happen at an effing paper company, which is a feat only a Leo could pull off.
Virgo – Toby Flenderson
Sorry, but in the workplace, Virgos are usually about as exciting as the last season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Sure, they’re professional and responsible, but like… ugh even writing this description is putting me to sleep. You get the idea. Someone’s gotta be the HR guy in an earth-tone suit, and it’s most likely going to be a Virgo.
Libra – Kevin Malone
Libras like to chill TF out at work, just like Kevin Malone, who don’t talk lot cause little word do trick. Libras really like to be liked, and Kevin is basically the human version of a golden retriever. While it’s usually totally fine with a Libra to poke fun at them, because they love joking around and pleasing everyone, make sure to do it in small doses. For example, it’s totally fair game to challenge Kevin, or any Libra, to a hot dog eating contest, but forcing him to eat raw broccoli in the middle of a meeting is taking it way too far.
Scorpio – Oscar Nunez
At work, Scorpios will totally get the job done if you just leave them alone, and we all know that Oscar is one of the few people who actually gets anything accomplished at Dunder Mifflin. Although he has a tendency to keep to himself, he’s also discreetly a total savage, just like all of you shady Scorpio betches. Scorpios can be super secretive, which is obv a quality Oscar has. I mean, hello, he had an affair with Angela’s husband.
Sagittarius – Michael Scott
Here’s the thing. Sagittarians can be as positive as an inspirational quote caption on a thirst trap’s selfie, but they can also flip TF out the second everything isn’t rainbows and butterflies, so you’re definitely Michael Scott. You’re all totally impulsive, but don’t truly follow through on all of your insane plans. For an example of this kind of typical Sagittarius behavior, watch every single episode of The Office. (Before Steve Carrell got too famous for the show and it went to shit. Duh.)
Capricorn – Dwight Schrute
Dwight’s birthday is actually January 20, which means the character himself is a Capricorn. This is totally unsurprising, because his storyline is so Capricorn. He’s really ambitious, but he’s so obsessed with being a faithful friend to Michael that it gets in the way of his career goals. Like, sorry, but Capricorn is basically just another word for Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Aquarius – Erin Hannon
At work, Aquarians are bubbly and friendly, but they’re also weird as shit, just like Erin. When you think about it, Erin is potentially the weirdest character of them all (except for like, maybeee Nellie, but it’s a close call). Every time you learn something new about Erin, you feel like you know her less. She once worked at a Taco Bell Express and had to quit when she couldn’t handle its change to a regular Taco Bell. That’s some quirky bullshit an Aquarius would love to tell you about, for sure.
Pisces – Pam Beesly
Artistic, sensitive, and devoted are all traits that both Pam Beesly and the average Pisces share. Like Pam, Pisces are very empathetic towards others, which explains why she gets stuck dealing with all of Michael’s shit and you probably get stuck hearing all of your friends’ relationship drama.
Images: Giphy (13)
The year 2017 will go down in history as the year we’ve all officially given up. It’s happening across the board, from our politicians to my will to keep up a semi-decent physique to TV executives who
are sexually harassing women left and right can’t be bothered to think of a fucking new concept for a TV show. 2017 was the year of revivals, not counting the Celebrity Apprentice revival that’s currently taking place in the White House. We got Fuller House, Gilmore Girls, Will and Grace, and now, reports have surfaced that NBC is in talks to bring back The Office. If that news fills you with any sentiment other than dread and white-hot rage, you are wrong. Happy? Wrong. Excited? Wrong. Cautious optimism? WRONG. The Office was perfect, and there is literally zero good reason to bring back a perfect thing, only to inevitably ruin it. I won’t have it.
My anger aside, thinking about The Office again reminded me of one of TV’s betchiest characters, Kelly Kapoor. Kelly took pettiness and attention-grabbing to a whole new level. She’s like, the patron saint of delusional daters and a BSCB who taught us that no matter how insane and borderline abusive you are, there’s still always a chance you’ll end up with your man (who is equally insane and borderline abusive). So to honor Kelly and help distract me from the possibility of the one pure thing in this world being sullied forever, here are some of my favorite moments, lessons, and quotes from the immortal Kelly Kapoor.
1. That Time She Wore White To Phyllis’ Wedding
Kelly is an expert in making everything about herself, and it’s truly an inspiration to betches everywhere. Would I wear white at a wedding? No, probably not. Would I wear off-white to a frenemy’s wedding just to be petty? Still probably no, but it’s fun to imagine.
2. The Time She Taught Us How To React In Every Situation
Me every time I see a dog.
Honestly I think about how kids these days are too young to have been taught by Gwen Stefani how to spell bananas on an almost daily basis.
This is me so much of the time that I’m actually starting to wonder if it’s a bit concerning…
3. When She Showed Us How To Make An Entrance That Is Both Confident And Professional
^That’s on my business card.
4. When She Taught Us The Important Distinction Between Talking Trash, And Talking Smack
I guess they couldn’t say “talking shit” on TV back then? Regardless, the lesson (and the burn) have stood the test of time.
5. When She Showed Us The Only Acceptable Response To Running Into Your Ex.
Tbh my ex recently asked me to dinner to “catch up” and I may just send him back this picture… good idea/bad idea? Leave your vote in the comments. Or not. IDC.
6. When She Made Us All Feel Better About Our Obsessive Knowledge Of Texting Etiquette.
The one good thing to come out of a The Office revival would be to hear Kelly’s thoughts on “lol” vs. “ha” vs. “haha” vs. “hahaha” and anything further than that.
7. And Shared This Universal Truth:
Thank you, Kelly. She was so ahead of her time. Now tell me how you feel about people who leave voicemails.
8. She Taught Us How To Recognize Our Strengths…
…And Our Weaknesses.
9. There Was Also The Time She Perfectly Embodied What It’s Like To Be On A Juice Cleanse.
P.S. This is called the Master Cleanse, and we tried it once. It did not go well.
10. And Finally, When She Taught Us The Ultimate Comeback To Any Attempted Breakup.
In Kelly’s defense, Ryan was a total fuckboy. Would truly love to see what this couple is up to now. Honestly, if they haven’t gotten married and divorced at least three times with an adopted baby named Usher, then any potential reunion would not be worth it. In fact, is it too late to call for a Kelly Kapoor spin-off series? Maybe one where she moves to New York and narrates her life through her fictional sex and lifestyle column in The New York Star? I get that that’s the plot of Sex And The City, but I think it could work.
Whether we ever see Kelly again or not, we all owe her a debt of gratitude. You may not have taught us how to be a good person, but you did teach us how to get lots and lots of attention, and for that we are all forever grateful.